Monday, January 4, 2010
I feel deeply sad today. My daughter had a breakdown last night like she has not had for a long time. I couldn't help thinking it was about her dad. It came out of no where. She just errupted into a fit of rage at the end of the day that I could not help or control. She fell asleep sobbing and heaving hard. I just laid there with her and rubbed her head and told her I love her.
I couldn't sleep last night and I woke up knowing that I needed some inspiration. I listened to a chakra alignment CD while I was getting ready and then another motivational CD of Abraham Hicks in the car for the long drive to my son's school. I think they helped but I also think that sometimes you can cover up and cover up with positive affirmations but at the end of the day, you are still where you're at.
In the lull between the start times for school I took my daughter to Starbucks with all the familiar faces. We saw my daughter's sweet friend that she loves so much, and it was nice to see her light up on his presense.
I kept hearing the AA table erupt in gregarious laughter and I felt annoyed. I felt bad about that, even as I was feeling it. These are good guys, with long-term sobriety. They are always kind to me and my daughter.
But I felt like it is always the alcoholics that are laughing and happy, while the rest of us pick of the pieces.
Another sponsor and sponsee happened to be sitting behind us, talking loudly. At first that annoyed me too, but then I realized it was a grace, because I was inadvertently hearing one of the man's story about growing up with an alcoholic father. It was good to remember that the alcoholic has often suffered too. It is sad that the cycle of addiction continues and perpetuates itself.
I don't want that for my children. I just feel crying. I have not been going to the chiropractor because I am trying not to spend money. But I now have a rib that is out and it is sticking into me and it hurts like hell. So I made an appointment anyway and am headed there in a couple hours. I'm sure I will feel better then, but for now, I am just in a bad spot.
I have chronic back problems and I need to start taking better care of myself. It was easier before when we had money and I could afford massage, accupuncture and chiropractic on a weekly basis, but I need to start doing something within my means - like more stretching and yoga to help alleviate some of this. I know I need to change my life on many levels. I can't keep living this way.