HELL

I am in such hell right now.

I have been having really bad stomach pains for 4-5 days. I finally went to the doctor today and then came home to rest. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound, as I needed to fast 10+ hours first.

My husband picked my daughter up from school for the first time in months. They came in and he finally brought back all my Christmas gifts. He had bought me some perfume and it was still in a box to my daughter was puzzled by it. She asked what it was. He said, that's what your mom puts on when she puts on her lingerie.

I looked at him puzzled and asked him if it was really necessary to say that in front of her.

He had offered to bring a pizza, but I felt worse just sitting here (and love to cook) so I told him I would just cook what I bought at the market yesterday. Funny, before they got here I was thinking to myself how much I had enjoyed just being a housewife and taking care of the house and family. I made a roast chicken, my favorite potatoes, garlic bread and a salad. I felt very satisfied with the meal.

My mom had picked my son up from school and brought him home. My husband started a huge fight with me in front of my mom and kids. He was supposed to come here tomorrow morning to take the kids to school so I could go back to the doctor and I think that's why he started it. (He has NEVER taken the kids to school before.) I had asked him to spend the night because the other night the pain was so bad and I wanted to go to the doctor but I had no one here and it was the middle of the night. He said he would come in the morning.

He took my perfume and threatened to throw it out into the back yard (which is like a huge forest or something with all these trees - we never would have found it, at least easily). He started talking about "my boyfriend" in front of the kids. I was like, I don't have a "boyfriend."

I told him to leave. He took my wedding rings again. (I always take them off when I cook or clean because they are nice rings.) Luckily I noticed before he left and threatened to call the police. He finally took them out of his pocket after telling me that they would do nothing because I'm his wife.

I screamed back at him I AM NOT Y0UR WIFE!!!!

He sat there and held up his middle finger to me for an extended period of time and kept saying, "I'm done with you. I'm done with you."

He said he would be back in the morning, but I don't want to fight with him and I certainly can not depend on him. How many times has he let me down before? I told him he would probably just leave me here dead like his aunt.

My mom is going to spend the night. She left with my daughter to get some stuff. I can't stop crying. I can't believe, after so many sacrifices all these years, sobriety, rehab and more rehab, abuse, bullshit, verbal abuse, women and expensive hotel rooms, depleting our finances...all of it...that this is where we have ended up.

My mistake for ever thinking shit could turn into pudding.