HELL

I am in such hell right now.

I have been having really bad stomach pains for 4-5 days. I finally went to the doctor today and then came home to rest. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound, as I needed to fast 10+ hours first.

My husband picked my daughter up from school for the first time in months. They came in and he finally brought back all my Christmas gifts. He had bought me some perfume and it was still in a box to my daughter was puzzled by it. She asked what it was. He said, that's what your mom puts on when she puts on her lingerie.

I looked at him puzzled and asked him if it was really necessary to say that in front of her.

He had offered to bring a pizza, but I felt worse just sitting here (and love to cook) so I told him I would just cook what I bought at the market yesterday. Funny, before they got here I was thinking to myself how much I had enjoyed just being a housewife and taking care of the house and family. I made a roast chicken, my favorite potatoes, garlic bread and a salad. I felt very satisfied with the meal.

My mom had picked my son up from school and brought him home. My husband started a huge fight with me in front of my mom and kids. He was supposed to come here tomorrow morning to take the kids to school so I could go back to the doctor and I think that's why he started it. (He has NEVER taken the kids to school before.) I had asked him to spend the night because the other night the pain was so bad and I wanted to go to the doctor but I had no one here and it was the middle of the night. He said he would come in the morning.

He took my perfume and threatened to throw it out into the back yard (which is like a huge forest or something with all these trees - we never would have found it, at least easily). He started talking about "my boyfriend" in front of the kids. I was like, I don't have a "boyfriend."

I told him to leave. He took my wedding rings again. (I always take them off when I cook or clean because they are nice rings.) Luckily I noticed before he left and threatened to call the police. He finally took them out of his pocket after telling me that they would do nothing because I'm his wife.

I screamed back at him I AM NOT Y0UR WIFE!!!!

He sat there and held up his middle finger to me for an extended period of time and kept saying, "I'm done with you. I'm done with you."

He said he would be back in the morning, but I don't want to fight with him and I certainly can not depend on him. How many times has he let me down before? I told him he would probably just leave me here dead like his aunt.

My mom is going to spend the night. She left with my daughter to get some stuff. I can't stop crying. I can't believe, after so many sacrifices all these years, sobriety, rehab and more rehab, abuse, bullshit, verbal abuse, women and expensive hotel rooms, depleting our finances...all of it...that this is where we have ended up.

My mistake for ever thinking shit could turn into pudding.

Hauling out the Christmas Tree

This year, I hauled the Christmas tree out by myself with some help from my 6-year-old son.

It was a huge tree and really needed two adults, but my dad has done this for me for the last 2 years and I couldn't see asking him again. I know he would do it and say nothing but it was not worth seeing the look of total disgust in his eyes.

I come from a family (on both sides) where the men do these things. Odd for me to say this as a feminist, but I like it this way.

My husband reminded me when I told him that I chose to live alone.

No, I chose to be marry a sober man. I chose to have the relationship that we agreed on in advance.

In Islam, you agree on the parameters of the marriage beforehand, much like a business agreement. If either partner does not keep their end of the bargain, the other party is free to divorce.

Islam was the first religion that gave women the right to divorce, among other things. It was a very progressive and feminist religion from the get-go. Women actually have rights. For all the "progressiveness" of the US, I'd say that the intention (at least) of Islam was to give women more rights and more choices. Women are not expected to just suck it in when their rights are violated.

In our case, I told my husband if he relapses I would leave him. He chose to drink anyway, after 3 years of sobriety.

He said he would follow my religion and that I could raise the children while he supported the family.

In Islam, any money a woman makes is hers to spend as she wishes. The man supports the family. The woman's primary responsibility is to the children and to the family. Not to say that the woman can not do anything (there have been far more Islamic countries with female Presidents than we have ever seen in the US!) But, I think it is a common sense religion, in the sense that throughout the world, women take on the bulk of responsibility for house and home - and they are honored for that - not forced to take on a double work-load.

My husband said he would honor my religion. Without these promises, I would not have married him.

I certainly would not have lived through another relapse. Had I known he would chose to drink again, I never would have married him.

I thought I made myself clear before we were married what the parameters would be. He reminds me now that marriage is for better or worse. Perhaps he's right. But I did not sign up for worse and worser.

He chose to drink. He chose to cheat. He chose to squander all our money until we were broke. He chose many things that I never would have chosen for us.

I chose to stick up for myself, kick his cocaine-head, alcoholic self out of this house and take care of our children.

I suppose I could have chosen to move on and move another man in to take care of us and all the things that go along with a house, but I didn't think that would be good for my kids.

So I suppose I chose our kids. I just did not expect that I would get fucked again and again because of it.

Quiet New Years

I decided to stay in last night in lieu of going out. I have really enjoyed this more relaxed Winter Break with my children, which will soon be over. One of the nights my sister spent the night here, the kids fell asleep on the couch and she helped me carry them upstairs to bed. We looked at how big they both looked. Time has passed quickly. It makes me sad.

We had my mom over for dinner and had a simple but delicious meal. I am so grateful for all the support my mom gives me with the kids.

My husband called several times during the evening. It seems there can be no peace between us. Sometimes I feel like he takes every little thing I say and turns it into an argument. Lately, I just end the conversation early when the accusations and cussing start. But then he begins texting me. I'm trying to ignore those too, but sometimes I feel the need to defend myself and text back. I realized last night that I really have nothing to defend myself against. I told him last night that next time, I just won't answer my phone. I'm tired of the fighting.

My husband has not seen the children since Christmas and we have several times planned over the weekend. Today, I just want to relax and keep things simple and peaceful.

Disgusted

I am getting increasingly disgusted with my husband. It's one thing to go all out on Christmas presents when you have a lot of money. But quite a different thing when you don't. We have stacks of bills here that need attention. After asking numerous times, (and him telling me twice he would take care of it) and telling him we don't even have milk, we now have $10 in our joint account.

Why it was necessary to go overboard with the kids is beyond me. I suppose he thinks it makes him looks like a good father.

Ignoring the basic needs of your family is not being a good father. No matter how many gifts you stack on top of it.

And now he repeatedly just asks me where we are with things? Well where do you think we are when you are acting like a controlling asshole? Do you think that makes me want to be married to you?

He has zero understanding of anything. the kids keep asking for things to eat and I keep telling we don't have money for that now. We will have to make due with what we have.

Christmas Eve

My dear friend reminded me about Christmas Eve a few days ago. My husband and I were fighting a lot. It was good to remember where things can escalate with him. She mentioned she still had some of the texts he sent me. (We often fight via text so our children won't hear us.)

What the fuck are you talking about??
I’m outside trying to move my car you ungrateful bitch!!

You’re an EVIL women, and I am done!!!
Bitch!!!

I was out Christmas shopping for our family
What a terrible thing!!!
Enjoy being so Supreme!!!

She told me, I keep them to remind me who he is.

That's one reason I decided to do this blog. We both tend to be too forgiving. I have tried for so many years to just look at the good things and forget the bad things. But the bad times are pretty bad.

Here's the post I put up on our family blog on Christmas Eve. I decided to take it off, but it is very telling.

I'm not used to being called a "Bitch" by anyone, let alone my husband. But I married into a family that has a different way of expressing themselves, to say the least.

Well, Merry Christmas. I've had enough. I should have ended it last year when I found the cocaine in our home and the police arrested him, but what can I say, I am not a "quitter", as my dear sister A says. I waited through all that for 6 more months, and then another 90 days at Betty Ford (after the 60 days he had already done 4 years ago no less).

In any case, after cooking all day, and waiting 4 hours for my late, adoring husband, who seems to be 2-3 hours late every night for some "reason" or another, I didnt really appreciate being called "an ungrateful bitch" or even an outright "Bitch" after that for that matter.

Somethings are just not acceptable.

So, Merry F-ING CHRISTMAS!!! I am DONE!