Be Drunk....

Here is a poem my sister gave me many years ago that I have always liked:

Be Drunk...

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it--it's the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be
drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of
a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again,
drunkenness already diminishing or gone, as the wind, the wave,
the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything
that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is
singing, everything that is speaking...ask what time it is and
wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: "It is time to be
drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be
continually drunk! On wine, poetry or on virtue as you wish."

--Charles Baudelaire

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!

Death in the Family

My husbands aunt just died. We are not sure when exactly as she was alone. One of her friends came to her house and found her dead. She called the police, who called my father-in-law.

I feel very sad that she died alone. That would never happen in my family. Before my grandpa died we were all there nonstop for the last 6 weeks. He had visitors from all over the country. People from church were there. It was tiring but rewarding. I can't imagine it any other way.

I last talked to her on Christmas morning. We called her and woke her up. She had been sleeping a lot and wasn't sure she would make dinner at our house. My last words to her were we love you.

I feel satisfied with that. I did what I could on my end and was always kind to her. She was one of the only people on his dad side that was ever nice to me. And I have always appreciated that about her.

Towards the end it got ugly. She was coming to our house because she was fighting with her other brother about money and her will. Her niece was acting strangely towards all of us. She usually went over there every year for Christmas, but she did not go this year because of the argument.

I told her several times that what she did with her will was her business and no one else should have a say in it. I find it very sad that her last 6 months were filled with so much fighting.

What for?

I had my son call my father-in-law to give him his condolences. I still don't want to talk to him and don't like how he has treated me, but I can't imagine how I would feel if one of my sisters died.

When he called back he made some smart remark to my son about how she was his aunt too and that he probably didn't get to see her very often (because of me). I always keep him on speaker because I never trust him to be on good behavior. I held my tongue.

What he said was not true. I have invited his aunt here many times. She doesn't show most of the time. I have done what I could do given my situation. I wish I could have done more, but I couldn't. My kids always come first. There are numerous people in his family that don't work that could have been there with her. But their priorities are golf, tennis and money. Not family.

Nevertheless I hope that she finds peace now. I hope they all do. This family has been fighting over money for far too long. It's time to realize that money means nothing.

As I always tell my kids, it's only paper. People are our treasures.

Rest in peace Aunt J.

The Gift Basket

I just got a call from my office saying that Y, the father of L (my ex-husband's current wife, lol!) dropped off a box of donuts and a package for me. The kids are off for Winter Break, so we are mostly hanging out. We were at the gym so I decided to stop by and get us all a donut! The kids were ecstatic!

Y had also left an enormous gift basket for me, filled with treats I love from Lebanon (including some of their olive oil, which is my favorite!).

I called him after leaving to say thank you! He is such a happy and sweet man. He wished us all a very happy New Year!

It also just started snowing, so the day has ended up pretty well! The kids and I are headed out for some snowball fights, sledding and perhaps a snowman!

Overnight

We left late afternoon yesterday for the home of my ex-husband. H. is in Africa on business, so we have been spending more time with his family. His children are very similar ages to my children - his youngest and my youngest are only 3 weeks apart, so we were pregnant at the same time together. They are the closest thing to cousins my children have.

His wife is like a sister to me and their children like nephews. I am so fortunate to have them in my lives, which is becoming increasingly hard for my husband and his family to understand.

My husband now thinks that I want my ex-husband back, which could not be further than the truth.

Yes, I will always love H. Deeply. But he is more like a brother to me, and his wife a sister. I have regrets over my own stupidity during our relationship, but I don't have regrets over the friendship I share with him and his family now. Everything is as it should be.

We stayed up late and talked like teenage girls. It was just what I need right now. This is the 4th overnight I have spent with either my sister or friends during break. I realized last night how much I love to have other people around me. I have been so alone and isolated. It has felt so good to hold my girlfriends close to me, instead of having to leave for one reason or another.

It amazes me that H. came here to US with no money and not speaking English. (He speaks Arabic and French). When I met him, he worked at Dunkin Donuts full-time (we actually met there) and worked two other menial jobs. He never took any money from his family - everything he has is from his own two hands.

He started college and several businesses while we were married. While he is not "rich", I'd consider him a complete success. His wife and children want for nothing.

It amazes me that my in-laws look down on Arabs and "poor" people and yet they have no problem with the condition of the lives of their own grandchildren. It's not how much you have, it is how you provide for your family.

I wonder if they know that it was H and his wife that would loan me money when my husband did not provide - while they were out golfing and playing tennis without worries and I was there working 60 hours a week and taking care of a newborn. I wonder if they know how many times H and his wife came to help me in the middle of the night, when I was sobbing. That is no life for a child. I think that without them, many times, I would have completely lost hope.

The way my in-laws and my husband have treated me is inhumane. But my ex-husband, his family, his wife and her entire family have all taken me in and loved me. Her sisters have offered to help, her family supports my business, and they both give me constant encouragement and love. That is family.

Sometimes I think coming from a rich family (especially if it is dysfunctional and addicted) is much more of a hindrance than coming from nothing. When you do it on your own, you appreciate it. And, you don't take your family for granted.

Old Friends....

Just when I was feeling quite depressed, an old friend sent me a message. We were able to chat for a second and decided to meet next week. She reminded me how much fun we had in Italy and it brought a smile to my face. I finished my MBA in Italy with her husband. The two of us had a blast traveling all over Italy, Croatia, Serbia...

I am feeling very stuck. It was good to also be reminded that I do have potential. I did have a profitable career at one point. I can make it. Perhaps it will take time, but I certainly am rich with friends and family. I don't want to sacrifice my children and that's where I'm feeling stuck - but my children are also my greatest joy, so while I am angry at my situation, I am also so grateful for them.

Disgusted

I am getting increasingly disgusted with my husband. It's one thing to go all out on Christmas presents when you have a lot of money. But quite a different thing when you don't. We have stacks of bills here that need attention. After asking numerous times, (and him telling me twice he would take care of it) and telling him we don't even have milk, we now have $10 in our joint account.

Why it was necessary to go overboard with the kids is beyond me. I suppose he thinks it makes him looks like a good father.

Ignoring the basic needs of your family is not being a good father. No matter how many gifts you stack on top of it.

And now he repeatedly just asks me where we are with things? Well where do you think we are when you are acting like a controlling asshole? Do you think that makes me want to be married to you?

He has zero understanding of anything. the kids keep asking for things to eat and I keep telling we don't have money for that now. We will have to make due with what we have.

I Believe in Love

I heard this song for the first time a few weeks ago on one of the personal sites for another woman who lives with an addict in and out of recovery. I thought it was a beautiful song - you can watch the Dixie Chicks perform it live on youtube. (copy and paste the link below.)

I made a promise to myself
Locked it away deep down inside
Told my heart we'd wait it out
Swore we'd never compromise
Oh I'd rather be alone
Like I am tonight
Than settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice
Today i got the answer
And there's a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it

I believe in love, I believe in love
A love that's real, love that's strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes I believe in love
Yes I believe in love

- Dixie Chicks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Al3PUZMPicU

What's in a Name? Big Profits, Apparently

I found this article extremely interesting!


Oh no he didn't! Oh yes she did-- and it worked! You wouldn't think professional gender bias in this century would be much of an issue, but according to an extremely successful female blogger/copywriter who goes by the name of James Chartrand, taking on a male pen name meant the difference between applying for welfare and buying a house.

The single mother of two from a small town in Quebec, Canada, was at wit's end scrambling for writing jobs that would enable her to care for her young daughters. So she decided to take advantage of a perceived bias. "In my own perception of the business world today, I think of men in suits at the top. I think of male CEOs," she explains.

Becoming One of the Boys

Her first step was to create a writing persona that smacked of boys club success--someone those men in suits could easily relate to. She pulled the name 'James Chartrand' out of thin air, and began experimenting by pitching the same job under the same terms, with his name and with her own given name. The results were immediate and surprising. The male pitch outperformed the female pitch in each instance.

"They didn't question me as James," she says. "What struck me most was the instant respect I received. No one asked me about working at home and dealing with kids. They just assumed I worked in a professional office and had the brains, the talent, the ideas and the skills. I expected more money, and I got it."

After testing the waters by submitting proposals under both male and female names, she eventually decided to stick with the masculine moniker, and began blogging under it. When Michael Stelzner listed her on his Top Ten Blogs for Writers, things really took off. Men with Pens was launched, a site that offers "On target web design and copywriting to help you hit the bulls-eye of success." It has been such a hit that she has taken on a partner and brought in the services of other writers as well.

Coming Out of the Closet

She kept her little secret under wraps for about three years, until an angry former friend threatened to 'out' her online. She decided to do the honors herself, and wrote an extensive blog on the popular blog site, copyblogger.com, wittily slugged "Why James Chartrand Wears Women's Underpants." The results of her outing were also surprising.

"I'd say it's been about 95% positive, 5% negative," she notes. "Anyone who's ever been discriminated against on a job application because of their name, whether it's Indian, Asian or anything else, certainly understands." But has it affected her work?

"My clients say it changes nothing -- they just want to know if they'll have their copy by Friday." She has decided to continue writing under her masculine pseudonym, more for privacy's sake than for any other reason. She lives in a small town, and is very protective of her children. "Using a man's name seemed to make some people uncomfortable, and they seem to think I'm repressing who I really am" she adds. "But writing as James, I feel liberated, not repressed James is part of who I am." She says she enjoys being free of female stereotypes--and lower female pay.

Prose by Any Other Name

"I'm looking at twitter right now, and people are asking me if I'm going to change my writing style," she laughs, incredulous that people would even wonder such a thing. Besides, going into proverbial closet then coming out may have been one of her most unwittingly strategic moves yet. Since confessing in her blog, she has been besieged by the media: in less than an hour she received a call from Newsweek, a literary agent, and an AOL blogger (that would be me). Do a web search for James Chartrand, and you'll see her story everywhere.

Still, she says she wouldn't advise others to try it. "You face a lot of pressure from other people who question who you are," she says, referring to the fact that the tension inherent in keeping a secret about your identity can be daunting. Although she's received incredible opportunities for having admitted to her transgendered professional personality, she says most people respond with, "Yes, you're a woman, now can we all move on and get back to work?"


By Lisa Johnson Mandell

Walking Away

I'm realizing more and more that I really enjoy the peaceful life without my husband. The times with just me and the kids - or with other friends and family are just relaxing and without any sort of drama. Bring him into the picture, whether it be physically or on the phone, and there is always intense negativity.

I am increasingly certain that what I want is a divorce.

I don't know how to accomplish that financially. I feel overwhelmed with out existing obligations, and I know very well that a lot of that will not be something I can maintain on my own - or even walk away from without a lot of problems.

That said, I also need to finally acknowledge (and accept) that my husband screwed us financially and it has been years of me waiting on him to "fix it", and things keep getting worse.

I'm going to have to walk away from something.

I need to figure out a way to support me and the kids. I don't know what that will be at this point, but there has to be some way.

The Grinch

Apart from my husband, we had a wonderful Christmas. I enjoyed the time so much with my friends and family. It was filled with wonderful food and lots of fun visits.

My husband did not enjoy all the company and began pouting on Christmas Eve. I had cleaned the house for 5 hours that morning, prepped and bought the food, cooked everything...he did the dishes. He told me (and everyone else!) at least 5 times that he spent 2 hours cleaning the dishes. OK, do you want a metal for that?

We had agreed that he would spend Christmas Eve at the house so he could set up the toys and be there first thing for the kids. He always does great with the Christmas gifts for the kids - it's something that he really enjoys. It's a little excessive but the kids are thrilled.

Later that evening, he asked me where everyone was sleeping (we had several people spend the night on Christmas.) He was not happy about it and I told him I had no idea he planned on staying that night too. He became very angry and threw a temper tantrum.

He started clearing out his things, and my friends noted he was taking a really long time clearing out. Even though we had 8 people in the house and he lives alone, he took tons of the food with him. I suppose he felt entitled because he paid for it.

We did not notice until the next day when we began cleaning the house that he had taken all my Christmas presents from him back with him.

He now says that was childish and that he will return the gifts.

Merry Christmas

A friend of mine posted this on facebook a few days ago and I thought it was one of the more beautiful (and perhaps accurate) pictures of Jesus I have ever seen.

Merry Christmas everyone! May we all focus on the true spirit of Christmas instead of getting hung-up on the things that don't matter.

Peace

Just when I was totally aggravated with the Al-Anon stuff, I saw my Mercy Corps Christmas card sitting at the top of the stack. (Mercy Corps is my favorite charity.) I got it with a bunch of other yesterday and I just sort of flipped through them all without really taking them to heart.

I thought this quote on the front of the card was perfection:

"There is no way to peace; peace is the way."

-A.J. Muste

Issues with Al-Anon

Sometimes I feel like Al-Anon is nothing more than a cult that brainwashes its members into staying in bad relationships. Obviously no one directly tells you to stay, but I certainly get that vibe from many, many people through their stories. And when I listen closely to those stories, their staying is concerning to me.

I have seen some people get help through Al-Anon. I know it works for some people. But I see people doing program instead of living life. Where is the joy in that? Where is the living?

"I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it." That may be true for someone married to an alcoholic in terms of keeping the alcoholics blame in check. But I think we know more about alcoholism than when that slogan was created. There are things that directly or indirectly "cause" alcoholism - like sexual abuse, giving children alcohol and drugs at a young age, and raising your children in dysfunctional (and/or alcoholic) homes. If you look at the statistics, these are all known factors.

If we know there are causes to alcoholism, why aren't we doing a better job of protecting our children? I really don't want to just sit things out and wait until my kids are teenagers so they can join Alateen. That is not a solution that I am OK with.

And why aren't we demanding cures?

I for one am tired of alcoholism. I never want my children to become addicts or co-dependents.

I think there are some good points to Al-Anon, but like the Bible, I don't think everything should just be accepted verbatim. I think the organization needs to grow and change with the times.

And I think it should be said that Al-Anon does not work for everyone. It is not the cure-all. To say, "It works when you work it." is once again blaming the victim in my mind. Some people, like my grandma, will never accept the program. She tried it, but it was not for her. That does not make her less of a person. She is actually one of the most amazing people I know. (And she has never once just spurted back a quick slogan to make me feel better - she talks like a real person, without slogans.)

If Al-Anon were truly successful, we would already have generations without co-dependents and alcoholics 50+ years after its creation. But I continually see families who are active in Al-Anon and AA where the cycle continues.

If alcoholism is a "disease", why aren't those of us who have been affected so tremendously not demanding better answers?

I am not satisfied with a plate of platitudes.

I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do want better ones.

Are you wondering when the pain stops?

I saw this on another site tonight and thought it was wonderful (and true).

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: When you are ready.

- Author unknown

Anonymity

My husband mentioned last night that he wondered if I should take my picture off the blog. He said that does not make it anonymous.

Well, if you stick your face into an Al-Anon or AA meeting, someone might know you as well. Do I need to start wearing a paper bag over my head for fear that someone there might know him or his family and what I say might embarrass them?

Perhaps if they all behaved better, they would have nothing to worry about. I am not going to silence myself for fear of the truth or whatever consequences they may have in store for me.

I think that using a pen name is more than sufficient. I could have just used my first name.

He said he didn't know that people that knew us needed to know all our business.

Do I hear some embarrassment in that? I am past being embarrassed about anything. This is our life.

I'm guessing that very few people that we know socially are going to happen upon my blog. And if they do, they will likely have similar issues to work through.

I'm done hiding.

On the way home I saw two bumper stickers on a car. One said "I love someone with Rett Syndrome" and the other said, "We all have our abilities and disabilities."

I wonder if we will ever get to a point where we have bumper stickers that say, "I love someone who is an alcoholic."

If it is truly a disease, what is the embarrassment about?

Happy Birthday Grandpa J!!

My husband just called me to ask that I have the children call his father tomorrow for his 65th birthday.

LOL

I will do it, but I am not going to talk to him.

He said it would be a nice thing to do.

I asked him when his dad might start doing nice things?

I just told my son he needed to call him tomorrow and he replied, "Why do I have to?"

Good question.

Anger

My husband just called me filled with anger. His dad chewed him out for an hour and a half for needing to borrow more money. Way to berate your son for not having the skills you were too drunk to teach him as a child.

I'm sick of taking the brunt of everything. If you're angry at your father, get pissy with him.

Part of the reasons we are in this mess is because his father backed out of paying our sons $2,000 a month tuition (for a school that was entirely his idea). Try keeping your word for once and see what happens!

The bigger reason is my husbands long relapse which has basically bankrupt us. I blame my father-in-law for that too. When you give your child alcohol and raise them in chaos there is a pretty major chance they will continue the cycle and become addicts.

Why my children and I need to suffer the consequences is beyond me.

My husband wants to come home but it's hard to imagine that happening with these frequent outbursts. I told him the other night I still remember him calling me nasty names and it will be hard to ever get that out of my mind.

"Ungrateful bitch" and "you miserable cunt" hardly describe the woman who has stood by his side after all of this and borne him two children.

Half The Sky

I'm reading Half the Sky. It is a brilliant and important book that I think everyone should read.

I am on an early chapter about keeping girls enslaved as prostitutes by drugging them with meth.

It struck me that my husbands family used this same approach to keep him compliant. I think giving minors drugs or alcohol is the most despicable act I can think of. When money is involved, it is a hard life to get away from.

"Neth and Momm underscore that Many prostitutes are neither acting freely nor enslaved, but living in a world etched by ambiguities somewhere between those two extremes. After her return, Momm was Bound to the brothel by drugs and debts, but the owner let her leave freely with customers, and Momm could have easily escaped if she had wanted to do so." 39

"...so the girls would have to go into debt to the trafficer. That's a classic means of gaining leverage over girls: The debts mount with exorbitant interest rates, and when the girls can't repay the loans, the trafficer sells them to a brothel." p 41

The situations these girls are in are terrible and unimaginable. In any case, reading this book has been empowering to me. I am surprised at how hopeful I feel when I put it down. There are a lot of horrible stories, but overall I feel like this is something we can all tackle.

The big thing that has been coming to my mind is that addiction keeps you centered on yourself. Even if you are the co-dependent, you are centered on the addict and the harm caused to yourself by having them in your life.

The thought that I have is, why aren't we helping people who want to be helped?

I mean really, there are millions of young girls being trapped into slavery around the world. Why not try to help those women who want out of that life?

Adult addicts can step out of their hell anytime they are ready to. But millions of young people do not have such choices.

Instead of spending money on alcohol or things that might enable an addict, why not sponsor a young woman abroad? Many people around the world live for under $2 a day.

So, I am hoping that more of us take back our power by helping those who are truly powerless. I recommend this book to everyone I know. I would highly recommend it to people who have addicts in their lives. Our world is bigger than the small, hellish one we create for ourselves.

www.halftheskymovement.org

Letting Go of Unavailable People

I found this on Karen Velen's Blog(Thoughts and observations from a recovering codependent) and thought it was a very insightful article.

Letting Go of Unavailable People
By Robert Burney

“In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will “push our buttons.”

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar – hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.”

“I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally – which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.”
(from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship – we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love – our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns – recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences – and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship – at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms – effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth – or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth – our own “Prince or Princess” ness – before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self – on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.

Nana

I realized this morning that this will likely be my last Christmas with my Nana, my Mom's mother.

The thought of this is unbearable to me.

I truly believe that her cancer is a result of dealing with my grandfather's alcoholism, and later my Uncle's addictions. She is 70 years old, and is not someone who should be dying this young. She has always taken very good care of herself, except of course, emotionally.

The two sides of my family are very polarized on the surface. My dad's family goes to church and does not ever curse. My Nana is pretty much an athiest and curses like a sailor. I used to cringe at this, but now I appreciate her honestly.

I used to think it was unkind to say words like Goddamnit and Bitch, but now I see that it can be just as painful (or more) to remain silent and let the person know passively how pissed off you are. When you say the words, you get it out, and it's over with. When you are silent, the anger remains in the air.

I started thinking about what I could possibly get Nana for Christmas. My family does not spend a lot of gifts and she doesn't really need anything. In the past, I would have just rushed out and bought anything (I really don't like to shop). But now I feel this overwhelming weight of wanting to get the right thing: something she can enjoy this last year.

But what?

Several years ago I bought nearly everyone on both sides of our family a book that they can record nearly everything about their life in. No one ever bothered to fill it out, so it seemed like a waste of money. But my Nana pulled it out several months ago after receiving her diagnosis and began to fill it out with my mom's help.

That will be a gift to all of us.

But what can you give to someone who has given you so much - given her family her life - when you know there isn't much time left?