Showing posts with label Alternatives to AA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alternatives to AA. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
A New Look at Recovering from Alcohol and Drug Addiction
A New Way
What if the way we’ve been dealing with addiction has some holes or even many holes? What if the old way we have been doing things can be improved or even changed?
In order to seek a new way of healing we need to look at recovery through different eyes and with a holistic view. First we need to identify the person as a unique, authentic, energetic, light being who has strayed off course from who she really is – her true self.
To take this holistic view we need to look at:
-Diet
-7 Principles of Health
-Eliminating toxic residues of addiction through detoxing
-Rebalancing the energy systems
-Relapse Prevention Strategies
-Finding passion
Eliminating toxic residues of alcohol and drugs is also an important part of recovery. This is vital and can be improved upon by changing the way we view detoxing alcohol and drugs. We should take the concept of detoxing further as even months and even years later the memory of the substance and its effects are still held in the cells. Hence how many times have you heard someone relapse many years later!
When I worked with people who were striving to overcome alcohol and or drug addiction I often heard the same familiar story of the person who would bust and have no answer to why they did it. They would start out the day with no intention of busting or they would be walking down the road and out of nowhere they would have a compelling urge to have a drink that they felt powerless over. You’ve got to ask why? Could it be the old toxic memories are still on line?
While setting the goal to excrete all memory of the addiction from the cells in the body also helps clear the mind. This can be achieved through energy detoxing (EFT), steam baths, saunas, magnesium baths, colon cleansing and bentonite clay baths.
What if emphasis was also on plenty of raw fruit and vegetables. Green Smoothies are a brilliant way to get raw, whole foods in the system to replenish the body and build the body to strength again.
Nuts are also important and should be included as a regular part of the diet everyday to provide essential brain nutrition to boost brain power to optimum levels.
Water is not emphasised enough when treating alcohol and drug addiction. Three to four litres a day should be the recommended amount to drink that can assist in the removal of toxins and hydrating the body as you can bet the addict in early recovery is seriously dehydrated which can also make recovery difficult. And why make healing more difficult than what it needs to be?
Since we are energy and light beings, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is also another powerful tool to aid in energy detoxing that can assist in peeling away the layers of negative emotions which keeps the addict bound thus leading to more harmony.
Recovery is Possible
It goes without saying that people do start to feel good when they start eating better and taking part in authentic approaches. These can be done from home (not everyone can get to a long term treatment centre for many reasons) along with a support person and can have a dramatic effect in recovery. The key to long term recovery is to focus on replacing the artificial effects of feeling good through alcohol and drugs to a more authentic approach which brings out the true self; the self who is so much more than the labels ‘alcoholic, drug addict, junkie’.
The authentic self and feeling good is in truth what is craved for and the drug is the external means in which it has been artificially provided. When approaching recovery in a new holistic way can lead to purpose and meaning that brings about peace, joy and harmony that is everyone’s birthright. When we know where or how to find this is when long term recovery takes place.
http://www.authenticdiscovery.com.au/latest-news/recovery-from-addictions
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Trauma and the Twelve Steps
"Criticism of 12-step recovery is nothing new; however, 12-step programs are increasingly getting a bad rap for being too “one size fits all,” or not applicable to individuals struggling with issues beyond the scope of simple alcoholism or addiction, especially issues surrounding traumatic stress.
"Trauma and the Twelve Steps: A Complete Guide to Enhancing Recovery" takes the posture that there is nothing wrong with using 12-step recovery principles in treatment or in continuing care with individuals who are affected by trauma-related issues. However, this book also explains how rigid application of 12-step principles can do more harm than good for a traumatized person, and that learning some simple accommodations based on the latest knowledge of traumatic stress can enhance the 12-step recovery experiences for trauma survivors. Written for professionals, sponsors, and those in a position to reach out and help recovering addicts, the user-friendly language in this book will teach you how to unify the traditional knowledge of 12-step recovery with the latest findings on healing trauma. In doing so, you will be able to help others, and maybe even yourself, "work a recovery" program like never before!
"At last, someone has thoughtfully and intelligently reconciled the practical wisdom of the 12 steps with best practices for posttraumatic stress. In “Trauma and the Twelve Steps,” Jamie Marich tosses aside the rigid orthodoxies that have hampered both fields and delivers - in beautiful, eminently readable English - a coherent treatment approach that is sure to maximize sobriety and healing." -Belleruth Naparstek, Author of Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal "It's critically important for people in 12 step based-treatment to keep trauma in mind and not re-traumatize people with coercive practices like forced 4th and 5th steps or misguided ideas that addiction has nothing to do with trauma. I support these efforts, promoted in Dr. Marich’s work, to help those whose choice of recovery paths is within the 12-step framework." -Maia Szalavitz, Journalist and best-selling author of Born for Love and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog
"This book offers much needed clarity into the psychological relationship between childhood neglect, trauma and adult addictive behavior, while serving as a reminder that no one comes into this world wanting to be a alcoholic, compulsive gambler or sex addict. Shining within Dr. Marich's words is the hope for recovery sought by all addicts and those who work to treat them." -Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S Sexual Addiction Author, Treatment Specialist and Media Expert http://www.traumatwelve.com/
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Comeback
Saturday, October 8, 2011
antiga’s thirteen circles
antiga’s thirteen circles[An anonymously written feminist-theology version of AA's Twelve Steps]
1. We believe that we are not responsible for creating the oppression that permeates our society.
2. We believe that a power outside ourselves and deep within us can restore our balance and give us wholeness.
3. We make a decision to ask for help from the Goddess and others who understand.
4. We acknowledge our beauty, strengths and weaknesses and look at the ways we have been taught to hate ourselves.
5. We acknowledge to the Goddess, to ourselves, and to another person our successes and shortcomings.
6. We make a list of the ways we have acquiesced to oppression.
7. We become ready to say no to oppression.
8. We ask for the courage to resist oppressive situations.
9. We mend our lives with respect for all.
10. We continue to be conscious of our actions and thoughts, promptly acknowledging our mistakes and enjoying our successes.
11. We seek to improve our conscious contact with the Goddess.
12. We believe that every moment we are doing the best we can, and that is enough.
13. We accept ourselves exactly as we are, trusting our experience and affirming that health, joy, and freedom are our Goddess-given rights.
1. We believe that we are not responsible for creating the oppression that permeates our society.
2. We believe that a power outside ourselves and deep within us can restore our balance and give us wholeness.
3. We make a decision to ask for help from the Goddess and others who understand.
4. We acknowledge our beauty, strengths and weaknesses and look at the ways we have been taught to hate ourselves.
5. We acknowledge to the Goddess, to ourselves, and to another person our successes and shortcomings.
6. We make a list of the ways we have acquiesced to oppression.
7. We become ready to say no to oppression.
8. We ask for the courage to resist oppressive situations.
9. We mend our lives with respect for all.
10. We continue to be conscious of our actions and thoughts, promptly acknowledging our mistakes and enjoying our successes.
11. We seek to improve our conscious contact with the Goddess.
12. We believe that every moment we are doing the best we can, and that is enough.
13. We accept ourselves exactly as we are, trusting our experience and affirming that health, joy, and freedom are our Goddess-given rights.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Women for Sobriety - 13 Statements
A woman-centered approach to the 12 Steps
The Women for Sobriety Program - Statements of Acceptance
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
5. I am what I think.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
9. The past is gone forever.
10. All love given returns.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
(c) 1976, 1987, 1993
Women for Sobriety, Inc.
The Women for Sobriety Program - Statements of Acceptance
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
5. I am what I think.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
9. The past is gone forever.
10. All love given returns.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
(c) 1976, 1987, 1993
Women for Sobriety, Inc.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Beginnings of AA
"Alcohol was officially recognized as an addiction in 1937. Alcoholics Anonymous, or AA, was the first succesful model for treating addiction, and it started a new trend. Begun by Bill W., AA established a model composed of twelve steps intended to support abstinence from alcohol and lead to spiritual recovery. The wisdom underlying the steps draws from Eastern teachings aws well as Christianity and is profound in its understanding of the process of healing. The wording of the steps, however, carries a deefinite patricarchal Christian tone, using the image of an all-powerful, external male God and implying that on's goal is to get rid of "character defects" rather than balancing, integrating, accepting or transforming them."
-Charlotte Davis Kasl,
-Charlotte Davis Kasl,
Monday, August 29, 2011
AA's Beginnings
"In 1935, when Bill Wilson, cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous, stopped drinking alcohol, he went home to a loyal, dedicated wife, a warm home with enough food, and a circle of people who cared about him. He had a law degree, was an experienced stockbroker, and had all the privileges accorded to an upper-middle-class White man from an old New England family. Most of the men who were instrumental in putting together the AA program and whose experiences were to be recorded in Alc0holics Anonymous, the AA "Big Book," came from similar backgrounds. (3)
Bill Wilson's imagination, determination, and creativity in putting together the twelve-step program that worked for him and many others does not change the fact that he was influenced by white, male, middle-class Christian values of the 1930's. Bill Wilson could not have known about issues that would become central in the ensuing decades - sexism, racism, homophobia, drug abuse, homelessness, and child sexual abuse - that are interwoven in addiction. He could not have known that, fifty years later, (76+ now!) the steps he wrote would be used internationally for men and women struggling with all types of addictions - from narcotics to food, sex, dependent relationships, medication, smoking, gambling, and spending, as well as incest and emotional problems.
It is important to remember that Bill Wilson based the steps and the Big Book on experiences of a hundred white men and one woman. He also based his definition of alcoholic personality - egocentric, arrogant, resentful, controlling or violent - on these people. (5)
-Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD - Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps
Bill Wilson's imagination, determination, and creativity in putting together the twelve-step program that worked for him and many others does not change the fact that he was influenced by white, male, middle-class Christian values of the 1930's. Bill Wilson could not have known about issues that would become central in the ensuing decades - sexism, racism, homophobia, drug abuse, homelessness, and child sexual abuse - that are interwoven in addiction. He could not have known that, fifty years later, (76+ now!) the steps he wrote would be used internationally for men and women struggling with all types of addictions - from narcotics to food, sex, dependent relationships, medication, smoking, gambling, and spending, as well as incest and emotional problems.
It is important to remember that Bill Wilson based the steps and the Big Book on experiences of a hundred white men and one woman. He also based his definition of alcoholic personality - egocentric, arrogant, resentful, controlling or violent - on these people. (5)
-Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD - Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The 12-Step Buddhist: Enhance Recovery from Any Addiction
I am always looking for new takes on The 12-step programs. I saw this man in a schedule of events for a retreat center I am fond of and looked this up on Amazon regarding his book.
Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 step programs are emphatic that they are not aligned with any sect, denomination, or religion. AA is a spiritual program, not a religious program. The 12 step literature is quite clear that we are to use our own concept of a Higher Power, or "God as we understand Him."
Herein lies a problem: the very use of terms such as "God" and "Him" implies a patriarchal, creator God, the archetype of which is the God of Abraham, the God of Muslims, Christians, and Jews. But what of those members in a 12 step program who are atheists, agnostics, or of other beliefs in which there is no "Our Father" or a Creator? Even though the fellowship is fanatically tolerant of religious diversity, most members are white, middle class, middle aged men, who discuss spiritual matters in the terms most familiar to them.
AA has some work-arounds, in which people who do not believe in a deity can use GOD as an acronym, such as Good Orderly Direction, as their Higher Power. However, it is a bit a stretch to pray for improved conscious contact with a Good Orderly Direction. (For those who can do it, our hats are off to them.)
One of the non-theistic spiritual practices of people in recovery is Buddhism. Buddha was not a god, just a man who discovered how to relieve suffering. When asked if he were a god, Buddha replied "No." When asked what he was, then, Buddha said "I am awake." "Buddha" means the one who woke up.
The 12 Step Buddhist is a guide for integrating and using Buddhist practice in a 12 step program. This book does not explain the steps -- the reader is referred to the Big Book and other approved literature for that. This book is for Buddhists, or others who are non-theistic, who are also addicts in recovery, and want to work a serious spiritual program.
Littlejohn pulls no punches. He is blunt, practical, and hard-core. For those in a program: he is one of us. The author notes that most Buddhist teachers do not know how to handle addicts or alcoholics (for those who make the distinction). Littlejohn has been there, and knows what it's like to bottom out, and also to go back out and return.
The reader may not agree with the approach in The 12 Step Buddhist. No problem. As both AA and the Buddha say, if you think something else will work better for you, please go try it. If it doesn't work, you are welcome back. Take what you need and leave the rest behind.
Other Buddhist 12-Step Books:
- 12 Steps on Buddha's Path: Bill, Buddha, and We by Laura S.
- One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps by Kevin Edward Griffin
- Enough!: A Buddhist Approach to Finding Release from Addictive Patterns by Chonyi Taylor
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Twelve Steps for Muslims
1.We admitted that we were neglectful of our higher selves and that our lives have become unmanageable.
2.We came to believe that Allah could and would restore us to sanity.
3.We made a decision to submit our will to the will of Allah.
4.We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5.We admitted to Allah and to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Asking Allah for right guidance, we became willing and open for change, ready to have Allah remove our defects of character.
7.We humbly ask Allah to remove our shortcomings.
8.We made a list of persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.We sought through Salaat* and Iqraa* to improve our understanding of Taqwa* and Ihsan.*
12.Having increased our level of Iman (faith) and Taqwa, as a result of applying these steps, we carried this message to humanity and began practicing these principles in all our affairs.
www.millatiislami.org
2.We came to believe that Allah could and would restore us to sanity.
3.We made a decision to submit our will to the will of Allah.
4.We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
5.We admitted to Allah and to ourselves the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.Asking Allah for right guidance, we became willing and open for change, ready to have Allah remove our defects of character.
7.We humbly ask Allah to remove our shortcomings.
8.We made a list of persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.We sought through Salaat* and Iqraa* to improve our understanding of Taqwa* and Ihsan.*
12.Having increased our level of Iman (faith) and Taqwa, as a result of applying these steps, we carried this message to humanity and began practicing these principles in all our affairs.
www.millatiislami.org
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Recovery for Muslims
What is Millati Islami?
Millati Islami is a fellowship of men and women, joined together on the "Path of Peace". We share our experiences, strengths, and hopes while recovering from our active addiction to mind and mood altering substances.
We look to Allah (G-D) to guide us on Millati Islami (the Path of Peace). While recovering, we strive to become rightly guided Muslims, submitted our will and services to Allah.
Islam tells us clearly that the status of man in this world is that of an "Abd" (servant or 'slave'). We know that we must learn to be slaves and servants only to Allah and not slaves to mind and mood altering chemicals. We must also learn not to be slaves to people, places, things, and emotions.
Allah tells us that man is "Khalifa" (agent or inheritor of the earth). This means that Allah has entrusted us as human beings with custodianship of His creation. Our own bodies, minds and souls truly belong to Allah. They are only entrusted to us for a time. We are changed with their care while we have them in our possession.
Why?
In the Name of Allah The Compassionate, The Merciful
"Whoever recommends and helps a good cause becomes a partner therein; and whoever recommends and helps an evil cause shares in its burden; and Allah has power over all things."
- (Quran 4:85)
We have sought to integrate the treatment requirements of both Al-Islam and the Twelve Step approach to recovery into a simultaneous program. Our personal thanks and appreciation goes to the Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous programs from which we borrowed. Just as Narcotics Anonymous was founded out of its need to be non-specific with regard to substance, so Millati Islami was born out of our need to be religiously specific with regard to spiritual principles.
Millati Islami, by G-d's will, (masha-Allah) offers a fresh perspective on age old ideas for treating our fallen human conditions. We pray further that it will serve as a model for successfully understanding and addressing the special problems encountered as recovering Muslims and substance abusers in a predominately non-Muslim society.
www.millatiislami.org
Millati Islami is a fellowship of men and women, joined together on the "Path of Peace". We share our experiences, strengths, and hopes while recovering from our active addiction to mind and mood altering substances.
We look to Allah (G-D) to guide us on Millati Islami (the Path of Peace). While recovering, we strive to become rightly guided Muslims, submitted our will and services to Allah.
Islam tells us clearly that the status of man in this world is that of an "Abd" (servant or 'slave'). We know that we must learn to be slaves and servants only to Allah and not slaves to mind and mood altering chemicals. We must also learn not to be slaves to people, places, things, and emotions.
Allah tells us that man is "Khalifa" (agent or inheritor of the earth). This means that Allah has entrusted us as human beings with custodianship of His creation. Our own bodies, minds and souls truly belong to Allah. They are only entrusted to us for a time. We are changed with their care while we have them in our possession.
Why?
In the Name of Allah The Compassionate, The Merciful
"Whoever recommends and helps a good cause becomes a partner therein; and whoever recommends and helps an evil cause shares in its burden; and Allah has power over all things."
- (Quran 4:85)
We have sought to integrate the treatment requirements of both Al-Islam and the Twelve Step approach to recovery into a simultaneous program. Our personal thanks and appreciation goes to the Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous programs from which we borrowed. Just as Narcotics Anonymous was founded out of its need to be non-specific with regard to substance, so Millati Islami was born out of our need to be religiously specific with regard to spiritual principles.
Millati Islami, by G-d's will, (masha-Allah) offers a fresh perspective on age old ideas for treating our fallen human conditions. We pray further that it will serve as a model for successfully understanding and addressing the special problems encountered as recovering Muslims and substance abusers in a predominately non-Muslim society.
www.millatiislami.org
Thursday, April 7, 2011
THE TWELVE STEP CONTROVERSY
by Charlotte Davis Kasl
Drug addiction, codependency, incest, compulsive eating, sex, gambling, and shopping - multitudes of people are using 12-step programs modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to recover from these problems. But beneath the surface of this massive movement, women are asking, is this really good for women? While female dissatisfaction with AA is not new (Jean Kirkpatrick founded Women for Sobriety in 1976), widespread questioning of these programs has only begun recently.
In workshops and group interviews, women repeatedly expressed fear about opening up the sacrosanct 12-step institution to scrutiny: "I'm afraid if we talk about this I'll lose something that helped me," or "I questioned the steps in my training program and they said I'd have to leave if I kept that up."
Women who question "the program," as it's often called, have been shamed, called resistant, and threatened with abandonment. They have been trained to believe that male models of nearly everything are better than whatever they might create for themselves.
Some women are grateful for what 12-step programs have given them: a generally available peer model providing support and understanding at no cost. Yet no one way works for everyone. The steps were formulated by a white, middle-class male in the 1930s; not surprisingly, they work to break down an overinflated ego, and put reliance on an all-powerful male God. But most women suffer from the lack of a healthy, aware ego, and need to strengthen their sense of self by affirming their own inner wisdom.
Research strongly suggests that alcohol addiction has links to genetic predisposition. A vital point that seems overlooked in AA is that in the case of nearly all substance abuse, the brain chemistry and the body ecology need extensive healing in order to prevent the protracted withdrawal syndrome of depression, anxiety, volatile emotions, and obsessive thinking that can last for years. Too often women endlessly attend groups, have psychotherapy, or take antidepressants when their emotions are actually being influenced by a chemical imbalance that could be helped by proper nutrition and exercise.
Other addictions and codependency (as well as the will to recover), are influenced by cultural oppression, which includes poverty, battering, racism, sexism, and homophobia. Treatment programs need to incorporate understanding - and advocacy - regarding these concerns.
As a psychologist and former member of 12-step programs, I have encouraged women to write steps that resonate with their own inner selves, putting the focus on self- empowerment.
Here are the 12 steps (as published by AA World Services) followed by a critique and by some possible empowerment steps:
1. "We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]-that our lives had become unmanageable." The purpose of this step is to crack through denial or an inflated ego and acknowledge a destructive problem. It can be helpful to say "I am powerless to change my partner," but many women abuse chemicals or stay in harmful relationships because they feel powerless in their lives. Thus, many women prefer to affirm that they have the power to choose not to use chemicals or have dependent relationships. So, alternatively:
We acknowledge we were out of control with but have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on others for our self-esteem and security.
2 . "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I believe that spiritual power is neither higher nor lower but all pervasive. I would replace the passivity implied in this step - that something external will magically restore us to sanity - with "affirmative action"; I came to believe that the Universe/Goddess/ Great Spirit would awaken the healing wisdom within me if I opened myself to that power.
3. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
This conjures up images of women passively submitting their lives to male doctors, teachers, ministers, often with devastating consequences. Instead: I declared myself willing to tune into my inner wisdom, to listen and act based upon these truths.
The following steps are grouped together here because they all ask women to focus on negative aspects of themselves:
4 . "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
5 . "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
6 . "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
7. "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
8 . "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
9. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (All emphasis mine.)
We women need to make a searching and fearless inventory of how the culture has mired us down with guilt and shame, recognizing how hierarchy has harmed us, and how we have been complicit in harming ourselves - and only then look at how we have harmed others.
So, instead:
We examined our behavior and beliefs in the context of living in a hierarchal, male-dominated culture.
We shared with others the ways we have been harmed, harmed ourselves and others, striving to forgive ourselves and to change our behavior.
We admitted to our talents, strengths, and accomplishments, agreeing not to hide these qualities to protect others' egos.
We became willing to let go of our shame, guilt, and other behavior that prevents us from taking control of our lives and loving ourselves.
We took steps to clear out all negative feelings between us and other people by sharing grievances in a respectful way and making amends when appropriate.
10. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." As one woman said in a group, "Admit that I'm wrong? I say that I'm wrong for breathing air. I need to say that I'm right for a change."
Continued to trust my reality, and when I was right promptly admitted it and refused to back down. We do not take responsibility for, analyze, or cover up the shortcomings of others.
11. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Instead of looking to an external power, women need to reach inside and ask, What do I believe, what feels right to me? For example: Sought through meditation and inner awareness the ability to listen to our inward calling and gain the will and wisdom to follow it.
12. "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [others], and to practice these principles in all our affairs." The desire to reach out to others is a natural step that comes with healing, but women need to remember to first care for and love themselves and then to give from choice, not from guilt, emptiness, or to prevent abandonment.
Most important is that we not identify ourselves with such labels as codependent or addict, or get stuck in chronic recovery as if we were constantly in need of fixing.
The goal is to heal and move on, embrace life's ups and downs, and move from recovery to discovery. Then we can break through the limitation imposed by hierarchy, work together for a just society, and free our capacity for courage, joy, power, and love.
(Source: Ms., November/December 1990)
Drug addiction, codependency, incest, compulsive eating, sex, gambling, and shopping - multitudes of people are using 12-step programs modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to recover from these problems. But beneath the surface of this massive movement, women are asking, is this really good for women? While female dissatisfaction with AA is not new (Jean Kirkpatrick founded Women for Sobriety in 1976), widespread questioning of these programs has only begun recently.
In workshops and group interviews, women repeatedly expressed fear about opening up the sacrosanct 12-step institution to scrutiny: "I'm afraid if we talk about this I'll lose something that helped me," or "I questioned the steps in my training program and they said I'd have to leave if I kept that up."
Women who question "the program," as it's often called, have been shamed, called resistant, and threatened with abandonment. They have been trained to believe that male models of nearly everything are better than whatever they might create for themselves.
Some women are grateful for what 12-step programs have given them: a generally available peer model providing support and understanding at no cost. Yet no one way works for everyone. The steps were formulated by a white, middle-class male in the 1930s; not surprisingly, they work to break down an overinflated ego, and put reliance on an all-powerful male God. But most women suffer from the lack of a healthy, aware ego, and need to strengthen their sense of self by affirming their own inner wisdom.
Research strongly suggests that alcohol addiction has links to genetic predisposition. A vital point that seems overlooked in AA is that in the case of nearly all substance abuse, the brain chemistry and the body ecology need extensive healing in order to prevent the protracted withdrawal syndrome of depression, anxiety, volatile emotions, and obsessive thinking that can last for years. Too often women endlessly attend groups, have psychotherapy, or take antidepressants when their emotions are actually being influenced by a chemical imbalance that could be helped by proper nutrition and exercise.
Other addictions and codependency (as well as the will to recover), are influenced by cultural oppression, which includes poverty, battering, racism, sexism, and homophobia. Treatment programs need to incorporate understanding - and advocacy - regarding these concerns.
As a psychologist and former member of 12-step programs, I have encouraged women to write steps that resonate with their own inner selves, putting the focus on self- empowerment.
Here are the 12 steps (as published by AA World Services) followed by a critique and by some possible empowerment steps:
1. "We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]-that our lives had become unmanageable." The purpose of this step is to crack through denial or an inflated ego and acknowledge a destructive problem. It can be helpful to say "I am powerless to change my partner," but many women abuse chemicals or stay in harmful relationships because they feel powerless in their lives. Thus, many women prefer to affirm that they have the power to choose not to use chemicals or have dependent relationships. So, alternatively:
We acknowledge we were out of control with but have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on others for our self-esteem and security.
2 . "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I believe that spiritual power is neither higher nor lower but all pervasive. I would replace the passivity implied in this step - that something external will magically restore us to sanity - with "affirmative action"; I came to believe that the Universe/Goddess/ Great Spirit would awaken the healing wisdom within me if I opened myself to that power.
3. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
This conjures up images of women passively submitting their lives to male doctors, teachers, ministers, often with devastating consequences. Instead: I declared myself willing to tune into my inner wisdom, to listen and act based upon these truths.
The following steps are grouped together here because they all ask women to focus on negative aspects of themselves:
4 . "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
5 . "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
6 . "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
7. "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
8 . "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."
9. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (All emphasis mine.)
We women need to make a searching and fearless inventory of how the culture has mired us down with guilt and shame, recognizing how hierarchy has harmed us, and how we have been complicit in harming ourselves - and only then look at how we have harmed others.
So, instead:
We examined our behavior and beliefs in the context of living in a hierarchal, male-dominated culture.
We shared with others the ways we have been harmed, harmed ourselves and others, striving to forgive ourselves and to change our behavior.
We admitted to our talents, strengths, and accomplishments, agreeing not to hide these qualities to protect others' egos.
We became willing to let go of our shame, guilt, and other behavior that prevents us from taking control of our lives and loving ourselves.
We took steps to clear out all negative feelings between us and other people by sharing grievances in a respectful way and making amends when appropriate.
10. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." As one woman said in a group, "Admit that I'm wrong? I say that I'm wrong for breathing air. I need to say that I'm right for a change."
Continued to trust my reality, and when I was right promptly admitted it and refused to back down. We do not take responsibility for, analyze, or cover up the shortcomings of others.
11. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Instead of looking to an external power, women need to reach inside and ask, What do I believe, what feels right to me? For example: Sought through meditation and inner awareness the ability to listen to our inward calling and gain the will and wisdom to follow it.
12. "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to [others], and to practice these principles in all our affairs." The desire to reach out to others is a natural step that comes with healing, but women need to remember to first care for and love themselves and then to give from choice, not from guilt, emptiness, or to prevent abandonment.
Most important is that we not identify ourselves with such labels as codependent or addict, or get stuck in chronic recovery as if we were constantly in need of fixing.
The goal is to heal and move on, embrace life's ups and downs, and move from recovery to discovery. Then we can break through the limitation imposed by hierarchy, work together for a just society, and free our capacity for courage, joy, power, and love.
(Source: Ms., November/December 1990)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Rewritting the 12 Steps for Women
"We refuse to embrace any set of principles based on the belief in our fundamental sinfulness and defectiveness, or on the necessity of ego-deflation, humiliation, or the surrender of our natural impulses. Instead, we reframe them to reflect our commitment to self-celebration. For example, women are rewriting the Twelve Steps based on their belief in original goodness. Each step now answers the question, "What's good and right about us?" and affirms our natural impulse toward healing and wholeness.
Step 1 as written: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
As rewritten: I do not have all the resources I need to deal with my alcoholism. I have reached out for help to AA. This was a brave action on my own behalf. I celebrate my courage today.
Step 8 as written: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
As rewritten: I will make a list of all persons I have hurt in my life and all persons I have helped. I will take responsibility for my ineffective behaviors that have hurt others. I will celebrate my life-affirming behaviors that have supported others even in the most overwhelming moments of my addiction."
Step 11 as written: Sought through prayer ad meditation to improve our conscious contact with God was we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
As rewritten: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves, praying only for knowledge of our own deep wisdom and the willfullness to carry it out."
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Be Full of Yourself (205, 208)
Step 1 as written: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
As rewritten: I do not have all the resources I need to deal with my alcoholism. I have reached out for help to AA. This was a brave action on my own behalf. I celebrate my courage today.
Step 8 as written: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
As rewritten: I will make a list of all persons I have hurt in my life and all persons I have helped. I will take responsibility for my ineffective behaviors that have hurt others. I will celebrate my life-affirming behaviors that have supported others even in the most overwhelming moments of my addiction."
Step 11 as written: Sought through prayer ad meditation to improve our conscious contact with God was we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
As rewritten: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with ourselves, praying only for knowledge of our own deep wisdom and the willfullness to carry it out."
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Be Full of Yourself (205, 208)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Healing Journey
"My healing journey began through a spiritual connection with the divine feminine. This "spiritual awakening" was instigated one evening in 1990 when I showed up at an Al-Anon meeting expecting to encounter the man of my latest obsession, and instead encountered that night's speaker. She spoke of her understanding of recovery and spirituality from a woman's perspective. She challenged the prevailing norms of recovery which were based on a masculine understanding of the divine. Before she finished speaking, I knew that I needed to work with this woman on my recovery.
She introduced me to the non-shaming, feminist approach she had developed to support women to work through the Twelve Steps. As I sat in women's circles with her, a deepening relationship with the divine feminine altered my entire cosmology including how I viewed myself, other women, the world I live in, the options available to me, and even my awareness and understanding of my own personal history. After years of what felt like fruitless effort, my vision and experience of life's possibilities expanded. I am grateful feminism came into my life one evening seven years ago when I was searching for yet another man to "save" me. Instead, I found the way home to myself in the company of women."
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Be Full of Yourself, (56)
She introduced me to the non-shaming, feminist approach she had developed to support women to work through the Twelve Steps. As I sat in women's circles with her, a deepening relationship with the divine feminine altered my entire cosmology including how I viewed myself, other women, the world I live in, the options available to me, and even my awareness and understanding of my own personal history. After years of what felt like fruitless effort, my vision and experience of life's possibilities expanded. I am grateful feminism came into my life one evening seven years ago when I was searching for yet another man to "save" me. Instead, I found the way home to myself in the company of women."
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Be Full of Yourself, (56)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
One Tool of Many
Al-Anon and AA are one tool of many to treat co-dependency and addiction - but I have come to realize that there are many, many more. One thing I will say from my experience of attending meetings, is they help at first, to normalize what you are feeling. But after a while, you are just in the same swirl, with the same people, doing the same things over and over again. For me, I needed to get out of that and start filling my life with meaningful activities. Otherwise, I think I would still be in that same swirl.
When you fill your life up with good things, there is very little time for the bad. You have to make a choice to stay on course and do what you planned. I know for a long time, I was too consumed with the bad to even consider doing something positive. And if I did have something fun planned, I would often cancel it.
But now, even if I feel bad about something, I try very hard to keep my plans, and I usually end up having a great time.
When you fill your life up with good things, there is very little time for the bad. You have to make a choice to stay on course and do what you planned. I know for a long time, I was too consumed with the bad to even consider doing something positive. And if I did have something fun planned, I would often cancel it.
But now, even if I feel bad about something, I try very hard to keep my plans, and I usually end up having a great time.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure
I read this book several years ago, and I really liked it. A very different approach than AA. Since I have been thinking about other ways of doing things.
He starts the book with a pledge, and I remember when I opened the book, it seemed very far fetched to me, based on my experience with my husband and all his relapses.
My Pledge to you
cure n 1) Restoring to a sound or healthy condition.
2) A Healing
What Prentiss says is that you can not recover unless you heal the underlying causes for your addiction. He primarily uses the example of his son - but they have since opened their own rehab center in California. There is a very touching chapter about his son's story, which Pax writes.
My dad had never given up on me, even though I had been doing drugs for ten years. He never gave up on me, no matter how bad things got or how much money I stole from him. Imagine that the belief he had to have had in me to support me in creating Passages when I had continually demonstrated that I couldn't stay sober myself. He knew that I was healed and that I would never do drugs again. To this day, I'm amazed that he decided to help me. He didn't just give me a second chance. It was a fortieth chance, but he embraced it wholeheartedly.
I still tear up when I read this passage, and I remember practically sobbing when I initially read this chapter. What really gets me is how kind his father was to him throughout the process. He had a belief that that was what his son's journey needed to be, and so he never judged him or put him down.
I can't help relate the story to my husband and his father. Even though my father-in-law was also an alcoholic and is "in recovery", the way he talks to my husband is so terrible. He will slam the phone down on him and say "I'm done with you." They cuss and swear at each other. It is truly disgusting. I have never understood the way they talk to each other. I remember the fourth wife's email saying that I don't know how people talk to each other in the "real world" when the "going gets rough", and I think, I don't know anyone who talks to each other this way. And I certainly don't think it helps with anyone's recovery.
He also says that alcoholism and addiction are not diseases. "All dependency is a symptom, not a problem" (17)
To give up our power to change for the better is inherently distasteful to everyone, and to force people to affirm that they are addicts or alcoholics so they can speak in a meeting is shameful and demoralizing. The stigma attached to those labels is so great that most people won't tolerate it. Such declarations ruin a healthy self-image. They convince us that even if we obtain sobriety, we remain broken instead of whole, spoiled instead of fresh and new....
A small benefit attached to that admission - a reminder that the former alcoholic is constantly at risk of relapsing- is far outweighed by the poor self-image it creates. In fact, that poor self-image is what contributes to their relapse. (135)
One reason he gives for why rehab does not work is that there generally not enough individual sessions. "At the end of the first week, everyone in the room knows everyone else's story. That goes on for three more weeks, and then most people go home with the same problems they brought with them when they arrived." (133)
Most addicts and alcoholics relapse not just once but many times...Relapse is not part of recovery. Relapse is part of failure. Relapse is return to dependency. Sobriety is part of recovery. You may now be starting to understand why the relapse rate is so high - it's because people are just trying to quit without curing the underlying causes, which is like trying to stop scratching while your leg is still itching. (139)
He says there are only 4 causes of dependency:
Cause 1: Chemical imbalance
Cause 2: Unsolved events from the past
Cause 3: Beliefs you hold that are inconsistent with what is true
Cause 4: Inability to cope with current conditions (145)
I do not list genetic tendencies as a cause of dependency for two reasons. First, they are only tendencies, and while they may predispose you to becoming dependent on alcohol or addiction drugs, you don't necessarily become dependent just because your ancestors were dependent. Some people have a genetic tendency to become fat but that doesn't mean they will become fat or that they must become fat. There are many people who are completely sober or who can drink socially, even though their parents and grandparents were dependent on drugs and alcohol. (146)
There are so many great passages in this book - my copy is all marked up...I would highly recommend it to anyone.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Feminism in Recovery
I have been thinking a lot about recovery lately and I think the 2 things that have helped me the most are feminism and volunteering. Al-Anon is a good starting place, but I don't believe it finishes the job - especially for women.
The volunteering is probably an obvious thing. When you help others, you forget about your own problems. But there were many years where I was so enmeshed in my own life that I didn't even consider volunteering. I wish I had done this earlier. It would have taken me out of my own head. It also would have put me in touch with more positive-minded people instead of isolating myself.
In terms of feminism, I started Women's Studies in college and it was eye-opening. I think that was one of the biggest periods of growth in my life. But as life progressed and I went on to get my MBA and marriages, somehow most of that went by the wayside. I stopped reading and being involved with the Women's Movement for the most part.
I think feminism is so important because we are not socialized as girls to see our worth.
It is especially important for those of us who are, become or were co-dependents because feminism is one of the only things that can truly empower us as women.
The volunteering is probably an obvious thing. When you help others, you forget about your own problems. But there were many years where I was so enmeshed in my own life that I didn't even consider volunteering. I wish I had done this earlier. It would have taken me out of my own head. It also would have put me in touch with more positive-minded people instead of isolating myself.
In terms of feminism, I started Women's Studies in college and it was eye-opening. I think that was one of the biggest periods of growth in my life. But as life progressed and I went on to get my MBA and marriages, somehow most of that went by the wayside. I stopped reading and being involved with the Women's Movement for the most part.
I think feminism is so important because we are not socialized as girls to see our worth.
It is especially important for those of us who are, become or were co-dependents because feminism is one of the only things that can truly empower us as women.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Does Al-Anon work for Everyone?
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about why Al-Anon does not "work" for me. I don't mean that its a bad program, or that it does not have merit, but I don't think it's a cure-all.
I have been thinking that Al-Anon is a very American program, and although I am an American, I tend not to think like one.
I rarely see anyone but Americans in my meetings. There are occasionally some British and one Russian woman. Obviously all groups have alcoholics in them, so I am wondering what other cultures do. I know that Al-Anon and AA have groups everywhere, but I don't believe either program is as prevalent in any other culture.
I also have been thinking a great deal about religion lately. While Al-Anon is supposed to be vanilla, it seems very Christian to me. It does not mesh culturally or philosophically with what I believe as a Muslim. I suppose I can somewhat relate to it from my Christian upbringing, but I have yet to see another Muslim in any Al-Anon meeting. (I do have one Muslim friend online who attends Al-Anon meetings however, so I plan to ask her for her opinion.)
I talked recently with a Mormon who had tried Al-Anon and she felt similarly.
I also talked to another friend who does not like Al-Anon at all because she is an atheist and it is "too Christian" for her. We talked about another friend who was Jewish who had similar sentiments. I am very interested to look into a Jewish perspective on this. I can't think of any Jewish alcoholics I know of. I am going to start asking around.
I think the similarities that I see between these other religions is that they tend to be VERY family and group oriented. Whereas traditional Christianity encourages forgiveness and more of an individual, personal relationship with God or Jesus, these other groups tend to emphasis personal responsibility to the group. They do not believe it is OK for an individual to behave poorly or blame the "victim". The victim is given assistance by the group.
A Muslim man who did not take care of his family because of alcoholism would be shamed. Shaming may not be ideal for the alcoholic, but I sure don't know many Muslim alcoholics. What is better for the family and the community as a whole is what is most important - not so much the individual (also an American thing in my opinion). If someone strays from that, they are taken aside and held to account. If they still can not behave, they would be shunned from the group. Thus, you do not often see this behavior.
I do not think we would ask someone in a concentration camp what their part in it was. I think we would say, ESCAPE! GET OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Similarly, as someone who really did not grow up this way, I find the conditions of living in an alcoholic home to be completely inhumane. I think Al-Anon sometimes encourages us (perhaps inadvertently) to stay in bad situations and "look at our part" instead of getting out.
I remember when I was at a Betty Ford workshop for married couples listening to so many stories I did not agree with. The facilitators were telling us that we had basically equal responsibility in the relationship. (Ironically, both facilitators were addicts in recovery.)
One woman was with an alcoholic who treated her horribly and cheated on her. To this day, I still can not see her equal part in this. She was a very kind woman. Every time her husband spoke, I could not believe the justifications that were coming out of his mouth for his continually poor behavior. If I could go back, I would tell all of those women to get the hell out of the relationship - and then look at their part, if they had any. Their part perhaps was choosing an unsuitable mate.
Al-Anon often seems rather cult-like to me in that (especially the online community) is always trying to convince you how well it works. To me, if it worked that well, we would not hear the continual problems stemming from the alcoholic. One of the things that attracted me to Islam is that no one ever tried to recruit me. I just watched people who I thought were beautiful inside and wanted to learn more.
I also find it strange when people in "recovery" encourage you to only talk to other people in "recovery" and insinuate that everyone else is somehow emotionally unhealthy. I understand that people in the program have been through similar circumstances, but most of the people I meet in program seem to have significantly more problems than people out of program. It seems to me that if you want to find answers in your life, you should look to people who are living in healthy situations. I have seen several people who seem sage-like in Al-Anon, but the proportion of healthy people outside of Al-Anon and AA seems much greater to me.
The slogan it works if you work it reminds me of growing up as a fundamentalist Christian. Like the faith healers who tell people they would be healed if they only believed enough, I think that slogan places unjust emphasis on the believer.
I always find it sort of insulting when someone tries to convince me that their religion is the only right one and mine is wrong. (Or worse yet, that I am going to hell because I don't believe as they do - although that really just makes me laugh at this point.) I don't mind discussing or debating religion at all, but I like to do so with an open mind and hope that the other person also has an open mind.
Similarly, I find it offensive when people in Al-Anon think that their method is the only one that works. It may be the only program, but I think saying that it should work for all people is like saying Christianity is the only "right" religion. My perspective on religion is that God created many types of people and hence there is a religion (or not) that works for everyone.
I started as a Religion major in college and have always been very fascinated by this topic, so I'd love to hear more input. This is definitely something I want to look into further.
I have been thinking that Al-Anon is a very American program, and although I am an American, I tend not to think like one.
I rarely see anyone but Americans in my meetings. There are occasionally some British and one Russian woman. Obviously all groups have alcoholics in them, so I am wondering what other cultures do. I know that Al-Anon and AA have groups everywhere, but I don't believe either program is as prevalent in any other culture.
I also have been thinking a great deal about religion lately. While Al-Anon is supposed to be vanilla, it seems very Christian to me. It does not mesh culturally or philosophically with what I believe as a Muslim. I suppose I can somewhat relate to it from my Christian upbringing, but I have yet to see another Muslim in any Al-Anon meeting. (I do have one Muslim friend online who attends Al-Anon meetings however, so I plan to ask her for her opinion.)
I talked recently with a Mormon who had tried Al-Anon and she felt similarly.
I also talked to another friend who does not like Al-Anon at all because she is an atheist and it is "too Christian" for her. We talked about another friend who was Jewish who had similar sentiments. I am very interested to look into a Jewish perspective on this. I can't think of any Jewish alcoholics I know of. I am going to start asking around.
I think the similarities that I see between these other religions is that they tend to be VERY family and group oriented. Whereas traditional Christianity encourages forgiveness and more of an individual, personal relationship with God or Jesus, these other groups tend to emphasis personal responsibility to the group. They do not believe it is OK for an individual to behave poorly or blame the "victim". The victim is given assistance by the group.
A Muslim man who did not take care of his family because of alcoholism would be shamed. Shaming may not be ideal for the alcoholic, but I sure don't know many Muslim alcoholics. What is better for the family and the community as a whole is what is most important - not so much the individual (also an American thing in my opinion). If someone strays from that, they are taken aside and held to account. If they still can not behave, they would be shunned from the group. Thus, you do not often see this behavior.
I do not think we would ask someone in a concentration camp what their part in it was. I think we would say, ESCAPE! GET OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Similarly, as someone who really did not grow up this way, I find the conditions of living in an alcoholic home to be completely inhumane. I think Al-Anon sometimes encourages us (perhaps inadvertently) to stay in bad situations and "look at our part" instead of getting out.
I remember when I was at a Betty Ford workshop for married couples listening to so many stories I did not agree with. The facilitators were telling us that we had basically equal responsibility in the relationship. (Ironically, both facilitators were addicts in recovery.)
One woman was with an alcoholic who treated her horribly and cheated on her. To this day, I still can not see her equal part in this. She was a very kind woman. Every time her husband spoke, I could not believe the justifications that were coming out of his mouth for his continually poor behavior. If I could go back, I would tell all of those women to get the hell out of the relationship - and then look at their part, if they had any. Their part perhaps was choosing an unsuitable mate.
Al-Anon often seems rather cult-like to me in that (especially the online community) is always trying to convince you how well it works. To me, if it worked that well, we would not hear the continual problems stemming from the alcoholic. One of the things that attracted me to Islam is that no one ever tried to recruit me. I just watched people who I thought were beautiful inside and wanted to learn more.
I also find it strange when people in "recovery" encourage you to only talk to other people in "recovery" and insinuate that everyone else is somehow emotionally unhealthy. I understand that people in the program have been through similar circumstances, but most of the people I meet in program seem to have significantly more problems than people out of program. It seems to me that if you want to find answers in your life, you should look to people who are living in healthy situations. I have seen several people who seem sage-like in Al-Anon, but the proportion of healthy people outside of Al-Anon and AA seems much greater to me.
The slogan it works if you work it reminds me of growing up as a fundamentalist Christian. Like the faith healers who tell people they would be healed if they only believed enough, I think that slogan places unjust emphasis on the believer.
I always find it sort of insulting when someone tries to convince me that their religion is the only right one and mine is wrong. (Or worse yet, that I am going to hell because I don't believe as they do - although that really just makes me laugh at this point.) I don't mind discussing or debating religion at all, but I like to do so with an open mind and hope that the other person also has an open mind.
Similarly, I find it offensive when people in Al-Anon think that their method is the only one that works. It may be the only program, but I think saying that it should work for all people is like saying Christianity is the only "right" religion. My perspective on religion is that God created many types of people and hence there is a religion (or not) that works for everyone.
I started as a Religion major in college and have always been very fascinated by this topic, so I'd love to hear more input. This is definitely something I want to look into further.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Issues with Al-Anon
Sometimes I feel like Al-Anon is nothing more than a cult that brainwashes its members into staying in bad relationships. Obviously no one directly tells you to stay, but I certainly get that vibe from many, many people through their stories. And when I listen closely to those stories, their staying is concerning to me.
I have seen some people get help through Al-Anon. I know it works for some people. But I see people doing program instead of living life. Where is the joy in that? Where is the living?
"I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it." That may be true for someone married to an alcoholic in terms of keeping the alcoholics blame in check. But I think we know more about alcoholism than when that slogan was created. There are things that directly or indirectly "cause" alcoholism - like sexual abuse, giving children alcohol and drugs at a young age, and raising your children in dysfunctional (and/or alcoholic) homes. If you look at the statistics, these are all known factors.
If we know there are causes to alcoholism, why aren't we doing a better job of protecting our children? I really don't want to just sit things out and wait until my kids are teenagers so they can join Alateen. That is not a solution that I am OK with.
And why aren't we demanding cures?
I for one am tired of alcoholism. I never want my children to become addicts or co-dependents.
I think there are some good points to Al-Anon, but like the Bible, I don't think everything should just be accepted verbatim. I think the organization needs to grow and change with the times.
And I think it should be said that Al-Anon does not work for everyone. It is not the cure-all. To say, "It works when you work it." is once again blaming the victim in my mind. Some people, like my grandma, will never accept the program. She tried it, but it was not for her. That does not make her less of a person. She is actually one of the most amazing people I know. (And she has never once just spurted back a quick slogan to make me feel better - she talks like a real person, without slogans.)
If Al-Anon were truly successful, we would already have generations without co-dependents and alcoholics 50+ years after its creation. But I continually see families who are active in Al-Anon and AA where the cycle continues.
If alcoholism is a "disease", why aren't those of us who have been affected so tremendously not demanding better answers?
I am not satisfied with a plate of platitudes.
I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do want better ones.
I have seen some people get help through Al-Anon. I know it works for some people. But I see people doing program instead of living life. Where is the joy in that? Where is the living?
"I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it." That may be true for someone married to an alcoholic in terms of keeping the alcoholics blame in check. But I think we know more about alcoholism than when that slogan was created. There are things that directly or indirectly "cause" alcoholism - like sexual abuse, giving children alcohol and drugs at a young age, and raising your children in dysfunctional (and/or alcoholic) homes. If you look at the statistics, these are all known factors.
If we know there are causes to alcoholism, why aren't we doing a better job of protecting our children? I really don't want to just sit things out and wait until my kids are teenagers so they can join Alateen. That is not a solution that I am OK with.
And why aren't we demanding cures?
I for one am tired of alcoholism. I never want my children to become addicts or co-dependents.
I think there are some good points to Al-Anon, but like the Bible, I don't think everything should just be accepted verbatim. I think the organization needs to grow and change with the times.
And I think it should be said that Al-Anon does not work for everyone. It is not the cure-all. To say, "It works when you work it." is once again blaming the victim in my mind. Some people, like my grandma, will never accept the program. She tried it, but it was not for her. That does not make her less of a person. She is actually one of the most amazing people I know. (And she has never once just spurted back a quick slogan to make me feel better - she talks like a real person, without slogans.)
If Al-Anon were truly successful, we would already have generations without co-dependents and alcoholics 50+ years after its creation. But I continually see families who are active in Al-Anon and AA where the cycle continues.
If alcoholism is a "disease", why aren't those of us who have been affected so tremendously not demanding better answers?
I am not satisfied with a plate of platitudes.
I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do want better ones.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Half The Sky
I'm reading Half the Sky. It is a brilliant and important book that I think everyone should read.
I am on an early chapter about keeping girls enslaved as prostitutes by drugging them with meth.
It struck me that my husbands family used this same approach to keep him compliant. I think giving minors drugs or alcohol is the most despicable act I can think of. When money is involved, it is a hard life to get away from.
"Neth and Momm underscore that Many prostitutes are neither acting freely nor enslaved, but living in a world etched by ambiguities somewhere between those two extremes. After her return, Momm was Bound to the brothel by drugs and debts, but the owner let her leave freely with customers, and Momm could have easily escaped if she had wanted to do so." 39
"...so the girls would have to go into debt to the trafficer. That's a classic means of gaining leverage over girls: The debts mount with exorbitant interest rates, and when the girls can't repay the loans, the trafficer sells them to a brothel." p 41
The situations these girls are in are terrible and unimaginable. In any case, reading this book has been empowering to me. I am surprised at how hopeful I feel when I put it down. There are a lot of horrible stories, but overall I feel like this is something we can all tackle.
The big thing that has been coming to my mind is that addiction keeps you centered on yourself. Even if you are the co-dependent, you are centered on the addict and the harm caused to yourself by having them in your life.
The thought that I have is, why aren't we helping people who want to be helped?
I mean really, there are millions of young girls being trapped into slavery around the world. Why not try to help those women who want out of that life?
Adult addicts can step out of their hell anytime they are ready to. But millions of young people do not have such choices.
Instead of spending money on alcohol or things that might enable an addict, why not sponsor a young woman abroad? Many people around the world live for under $2 a day.
So, I am hoping that more of us take back our power by helping those who are truly powerless. I recommend this book to everyone I know. I would highly recommend it to people who have addicts in their lives. Our world is bigger than the small, hellish one we create for ourselves.
www.halftheskymovement.org
Friday, December 18, 2009
Islam and Alcoholism
I found this article on a Muslim website I was visiting and thought it was interesting. It explains how many Muslims around the world view alcohol, which is very different than how we as Americans do. It explains the mindset that prevents so many people from ever even trying alcohol, which may be a very good thing!
In these days, countries that allow alcohol are suffering from it and the number of alcoholics is increasing rapidly. In the U.S.A., for example, the number of alcoholics has increased from four million in the 1960s to ten million in the 1970s. In Britain, the number of alcoholics has increased from half a million to one million. In some European countries, the percentage of alcoholics is 8% of the population!
Alcoholic drinks are the only poison that is licensed in those countries. However, Islam took a clear attitude towards alcoholic drinks more than 1400 years ago. Islam prohibits such drinks. Any drink that causes drunkenness is prohibited in Islam regardless of the matter it is made from and regardless of the quantity.
According to Islam, if too much of a drink causes drunkenness, then any small quantity of this drink is prohibited, because all alcoholics start with small quantities, then they become the slaves of alcohol.
Islam does not only prohibit drinking alcoholic drinks, but also prohibits making them. Islam also prohibits carrying, selling, or buying such drinks. According to Islam, if something is prohibited, all means to it are also prohibited. The reason is that it is no use to forbid something and allow the means leading to it at the same time. If alcoholic drinks are prohibited, all means to them should be prohibited; Islam prohibits the making, transporting, importing exporting, buying, and selling and selling of such drinks.
However there are some illusions that many people falsely believe about alcohol. In this article we will try to discuss and refute them to show the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam. We will also prove that Islam does not prohibit a thing unless it is harmful and dangerous.
Illusions and Facts:
1- Alcohol and Appetite: It was believed that alcoholic drink function as appetizers, but this is against confirmed scientific facts. Alcoholic drinks function as appetizers for the first week or month only, then soon the stomach and other parts of the digestive system become inflamed. Infections and ulcers begin to show up; vomiting starts; all appetite is lost.
2- Alcohol and False Warmth: It was also believed that alcoholic drinks cause warmth in the human body. But facts proved that it is only a false warmth caused by the widening of outer blood vessels. But if the drunkard is exposed to cold weather, he loses all his warmth and energy and may die of cold thinking he is enjoying warmth.
3- Alcohol and the sexual drive: Alcoholic drinks increase the sexual desire and thus may lead the drunkard to commit strange crimes under the influence of alcohol because his brain cannot function normally and in this case social values are trespassed. However, continuous drinking of alcoholic drinks ends up with sexual impotency. This shows us the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam.
Alcohol and Health:
Alcoholic drinks, which are prohibited by Islam, have a destructive effect on the nervous system through the direct toxic effect. Besides, alcohol may lead to alcoholism with its psychological and mental troubles such as convulsions and hallucination. Further, alcohol leads to malnutrition caused by inflammations in the digestive system, repeated vomiting, loss of appetite, and bad absorption in the digestive system. To add, some alcohols may cause complete blindness and heat failure owing to their severe toxicity.
An alcoholic becomes careless, selfish, easily provoked, and suspicious. He may suffer paranoia. He becomes sexually impotent. He is hated by his wife and children. He suffers from melancholy. He may end up committing suicide. An alcoholic may suffer from hallucinations: he may think he sees unreal ghosts or hear unreal voices or smell unreal scents.
Alcohol causes decay in the cells of the brain and the cortex. This may cause alcoholic psychosis and loss of memory. In this stage, an alcoholic loses the ability to distinguish the concrete from the abstract and the real from the unreal. He cannot even know the day or the place. An alcoholic loses the ability to calculate, to add or substract the easiest numbers. An alcoholic cannot remember the most recent incidents in his life.
An alcoholic may become unable to stand up without losing his balance. When he walks, he staggers. When he speaks, he slurs. He may suffer from the clubbing and swelling of his fingers. A male alcoholic develops female qualities and female alcoholic develop male qualities such as the stoppage of menstruation and the complete loss of the sexual motive.
An alcoholic suffers continual nightmares, where he sees and hears terrible things. All his life becomes a series of delusions and hallucinations. He may faint and lose consciousness any time.
The body of an alcoholic soon loses resistance to microbes and thus becomes an easy prey to any microbe. He has troubles in the kidneys, albumin in the urine, fatal blood acidity, which may end tragically with heart failure.
An alcoholic does not usually care for buying food. If he buys food, he has no appetite to eat it. If he eats it, he vomits what he has eaten. If he does not vomit, his digestive system cannot function well or absorb well. Thus an alcoholic soon goes into malnutrition and lack of vitamins; especially vitamin B. further, this Vitamin B is consumed by alcohol in the process of oxidization.
As a result of the lack of Vitamin B and malnutrition, the alcoholic may suffer paralysis in the hands, feet, and legs. He may have infections in the brain. He may have decay in cortex cells, which leads to madness. He may have infection in eye nerves, which ends up with blindness. Alcohol is simply a poison.
A drunkard may fall down under the influence of wine. This fall may cause a brain shock, a brain pressure, and a breakage in the backbone, bone breakage, or bleedings.
-Islamweb.net - 8.9.2009
In these days, countries that allow alcohol are suffering from it and the number of alcoholics is increasing rapidly. In the U.S.A., for example, the number of alcoholics has increased from four million in the 1960s to ten million in the 1970s. In Britain, the number of alcoholics has increased from half a million to one million. In some European countries, the percentage of alcoholics is 8% of the population!
Alcoholic drinks are the only poison that is licensed in those countries. However, Islam took a clear attitude towards alcoholic drinks more than 1400 years ago. Islam prohibits such drinks. Any drink that causes drunkenness is prohibited in Islam regardless of the matter it is made from and regardless of the quantity.
According to Islam, if too much of a drink causes drunkenness, then any small quantity of this drink is prohibited, because all alcoholics start with small quantities, then they become the slaves of alcohol.
Islam does not only prohibit drinking alcoholic drinks, but also prohibits making them. Islam also prohibits carrying, selling, or buying such drinks. According to Islam, if something is prohibited, all means to it are also prohibited. The reason is that it is no use to forbid something and allow the means leading to it at the same time. If alcoholic drinks are prohibited, all means to them should be prohibited; Islam prohibits the making, transporting, importing exporting, buying, and selling and selling of such drinks.
However there are some illusions that many people falsely believe about alcohol. In this article we will try to discuss and refute them to show the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam. We will also prove that Islam does not prohibit a thing unless it is harmful and dangerous.
Illusions and Facts:
1- Alcohol and Appetite: It was believed that alcoholic drink function as appetizers, but this is against confirmed scientific facts. Alcoholic drinks function as appetizers for the first week or month only, then soon the stomach and other parts of the digestive system become inflamed. Infections and ulcers begin to show up; vomiting starts; all appetite is lost.
2- Alcohol and False Warmth: It was also believed that alcoholic drinks cause warmth in the human body. But facts proved that it is only a false warmth caused by the widening of outer blood vessels. But if the drunkard is exposed to cold weather, he loses all his warmth and energy and may die of cold thinking he is enjoying warmth.
3- Alcohol and the sexual drive: Alcoholic drinks increase the sexual desire and thus may lead the drunkard to commit strange crimes under the influence of alcohol because his brain cannot function normally and in this case social values are trespassed. However, continuous drinking of alcoholic drinks ends up with sexual impotency. This shows us the wisdom of prohibiting alcohol in Islam.
Alcohol and Health:
Alcoholic drinks, which are prohibited by Islam, have a destructive effect on the nervous system through the direct toxic effect. Besides, alcohol may lead to alcoholism with its psychological and mental troubles such as convulsions and hallucination. Further, alcohol leads to malnutrition caused by inflammations in the digestive system, repeated vomiting, loss of appetite, and bad absorption in the digestive system. To add, some alcohols may cause complete blindness and heat failure owing to their severe toxicity.
An alcoholic becomes careless, selfish, easily provoked, and suspicious. He may suffer paranoia. He becomes sexually impotent. He is hated by his wife and children. He suffers from melancholy. He may end up committing suicide. An alcoholic may suffer from hallucinations: he may think he sees unreal ghosts or hear unreal voices or smell unreal scents.
Alcohol causes decay in the cells of the brain and the cortex. This may cause alcoholic psychosis and loss of memory. In this stage, an alcoholic loses the ability to distinguish the concrete from the abstract and the real from the unreal. He cannot even know the day or the place. An alcoholic loses the ability to calculate, to add or substract the easiest numbers. An alcoholic cannot remember the most recent incidents in his life.
An alcoholic may become unable to stand up without losing his balance. When he walks, he staggers. When he speaks, he slurs. He may suffer from the clubbing and swelling of his fingers. A male alcoholic develops female qualities and female alcoholic develop male qualities such as the stoppage of menstruation and the complete loss of the sexual motive.
An alcoholic suffers continual nightmares, where he sees and hears terrible things. All his life becomes a series of delusions and hallucinations. He may faint and lose consciousness any time.
The body of an alcoholic soon loses resistance to microbes and thus becomes an easy prey to any microbe. He has troubles in the kidneys, albumin in the urine, fatal blood acidity, which may end tragically with heart failure.
An alcoholic does not usually care for buying food. If he buys food, he has no appetite to eat it. If he eats it, he vomits what he has eaten. If he does not vomit, his digestive system cannot function well or absorb well. Thus an alcoholic soon goes into malnutrition and lack of vitamins; especially vitamin B. further, this Vitamin B is consumed by alcohol in the process of oxidization.
As a result of the lack of Vitamin B and malnutrition, the alcoholic may suffer paralysis in the hands, feet, and legs. He may have infections in the brain. He may have decay in cortex cells, which leads to madness. He may have infection in eye nerves, which ends up with blindness. Alcohol is simply a poison.
A drunkard may fall down under the influence of wine. This fall may cause a brain shock, a brain pressure, and a breakage in the backbone, bone breakage, or bleedings.
-Islamweb.net - 8.9.2009
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