"...when a woman integrates her sexuality with knowledge of herself, when it is a source of energy, it becomes a force in the expansion of her love and power. When a woman ceases to use sex as a bribe, escape, or weapon of power, it can become one with her Source, her spirituality. Kundalini yoga regards the body as a microcosm of the universe: when one is alive and at one within the body, one is likewise at one wiht the universe, with pure consciousness. Kundalini stands for female sexual energy, represented by a coiled serpent in the form of a flower resting at the base of the spine. When the serpent uncoils, energy rises through the body, awakening purse knowledge and a state of bliss, and sexual energy is transfomed to cosmic consciousness."
-Charlotte Davis Kasl, Women, Sex and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power. 78-79
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Expressing Sexuality to our Children
I have been thinking a great deal about sexuality and what I hope to express to my children these last few days.
Your sexuality belongs to you. No one else.
No one else owns you or determines your pleasure. That is yours alone. If you wish to share it with someone you love, all the better. Be neither selfish nor selfless. The best pleasure is mutual. But this mutual pleasure does not entitle someone else to control you in any way.
Your sexuality does not belong to anyone; even to God.
It is a gift from God, to be cherished. A gift is given, without strings attached. When you realize the enormity of the gift, you will never squander it.
The worst crime against humanity is to force your sexuality upon someone else. Someone may force themselves upon you, especially as a woman, but you can still reclaim your sexuality for yourself. It is a gift that no one can take from you, even by force.
It is not a matter of how many lovers you have had, but that you enjoy each encounter of your own free will. Your sexuality is no one's business but your own. You are not required to give anyone a report.
When you make a commitment to someone, keep it. If you are clear about the boundaries of your relationship, you will have fewer problems. But all relationships have problems. Don't let someone try to make you guilty for something that was within your right and boundary. Avoid jealous people.
"Even little kids get jealous of their toys and then tire of them." - Elegy
It does not matter when you lose your virginity, but it does matter that you do so thoughtfully and purposefully. Do it when you are ready, when you feel love and security within yourself.
Do not let someone else persuade you. Do not do things that feel unnatural to you. If something feels right, enjoy it. Be careful but not fearful; always protect yourself and others.
Do not let anyone else determine what or who you are. You know who you are, and above all else, God knows who you are. It is s/he who created you, beautifully, perfectly and sexually.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
-Kahlil Gibran on Love
Your sexuality belongs to you. No one else.
No one else owns you or determines your pleasure. That is yours alone. If you wish to share it with someone you love, all the better. Be neither selfish nor selfless. The best pleasure is mutual. But this mutual pleasure does not entitle someone else to control you in any way.
Your sexuality does not belong to anyone; even to God.
It is a gift from God, to be cherished. A gift is given, without strings attached. When you realize the enormity of the gift, you will never squander it.
The worst crime against humanity is to force your sexuality upon someone else. Someone may force themselves upon you, especially as a woman, but you can still reclaim your sexuality for yourself. It is a gift that no one can take from you, even by force.
It is not a matter of how many lovers you have had, but that you enjoy each encounter of your own free will. Your sexuality is no one's business but your own. You are not required to give anyone a report.
When you make a commitment to someone, keep it. If you are clear about the boundaries of your relationship, you will have fewer problems. But all relationships have problems. Don't let someone try to make you guilty for something that was within your right and boundary. Avoid jealous people.
"Even little kids get jealous of their toys and then tire of them." - Elegy
It does not matter when you lose your virginity, but it does matter that you do so thoughtfully and purposefully. Do it when you are ready, when you feel love and security within yourself.
Do not let someone else persuade you. Do not do things that feel unnatural to you. If something feels right, enjoy it. Be careful but not fearful; always protect yourself and others.
Do not let anyone else determine what or who you are. You know who you are, and above all else, God knows who you are. It is s/he who created you, beautifully, perfectly and sexually.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
-Kahlil Gibran on Love
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sexuality
Today was my son's 7th birthday. Once again, it was ruined by my husband, with my son ending up in tears.
My husband decided to bring up a bunch of stuff at my son's birthday dinner about what he imagines my sexual life to be currently.
No thanks to my ex-friend (who is no more or less a "whore" than me), who took it upon herself to supply my soon-to-be-ex-husband with her version of reality.
I only wish I was having as much sex as everyone supposes. Literally, I can think of nothing better.
I am a sexual woman. I always have been. I do not have guilt or shame around that.
I never cheated on my husband while we were together. He did. At least 3 times that I know of, and I'm guessing much more.
But because I am a "woman" there is some bullshit double standard.
And I don't buy into that.
But I also don't think that it is appropriate for him to bring up what he "thinks" I have done - after our relationship is over - in front of our 3- and 7-year-old at our son's birthday dinner.
I have never told my son what my husband did with other women. Why would I??
It has nothing to do with him.
The only aim in that would be to hurt my son. And I would never do that.
Even if I were a "whore", I don't believe that would make me less of a person.
I absolutely do not believe that.
We as woman have intrinsic worth, above and beyond what society labels us. Jesus himself hung out with the prostitutes, which is something "Christians" seem to forget.
I remember as a young girl, my dad's second wife, in a fit of rage, told me that my mother was a whore. I burst into tears. I never got over it until I was in my late twenties. I realized, my mother was no whore. She is the best and kindest woman in the world. I was so sorry I had misjudged her, based on a vindictive and mean-hearted woman. Children are so innocent. God sees that and God makes his own marks.
There is nothing wrong with our sexuality. Nothing. God him/herself created it.
I will not let my son suffer. Perhaps this was a lesson he can learn now - and better for him to learn it now. Women are women. They are not whores or sluts or lesser than any man for having the same sexuality that a man is free to express without question or remark. Our sexuality does not determine who we are as a person.
I took my son aside, held him tight, and told him, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. NEVER FORGET THAT.
Later, my son told my daughter and I, "What daddy called you is something no one should call anyone."
He was right.
This is a poem I wrote when I was 19.
Whoring Lives
You left and suddenly,
you were fucking dad's employee
Wasn't quite appropriate for a Music Minister's wife
Mad, unstable mother -
we lived with dad
Visits were sneaking into a "no kids allowed" shit hole after your lover left you
hiding in the bathroom of a tiny studio inside a cabinet that was of course
empty.
That scrawny, bent-over manager tried to bribe you
with a little fix it all in the bathroom talk
we left.
There was an Albertson's dumpster out back
a new apartment for unwed mothers
digging out donuts bread cereal
you'd feed us Tuesday nights,
our nights.
Finally, your friend came back
pregnant mommy got married
"mommy moo moo"
but you were bigger than a cow,
then.
Years later, I heart your mother, a whore
and the weeping never stopped
2 men and a rape were too much
sleeping around for the pretend-to-be-wife
of a Minister of Music
who was really only a daughter
of an alcoholic and a whore.
My husband decided to bring up a bunch of stuff at my son's birthday dinner about what he imagines my sexual life to be currently.
No thanks to my ex-friend (who is no more or less a "whore" than me), who took it upon herself to supply my soon-to-be-ex-husband with her version of reality.
I only wish I was having as much sex as everyone supposes. Literally, I can think of nothing better.
I am a sexual woman. I always have been. I do not have guilt or shame around that.
I never cheated on my husband while we were together. He did. At least 3 times that I know of, and I'm guessing much more.
But because I am a "woman" there is some bullshit double standard.
And I don't buy into that.
But I also don't think that it is appropriate for him to bring up what he "thinks" I have done - after our relationship is over - in front of our 3- and 7-year-old at our son's birthday dinner.
I have never told my son what my husband did with other women. Why would I??
It has nothing to do with him.
The only aim in that would be to hurt my son. And I would never do that.
Even if I were a "whore", I don't believe that would make me less of a person.
I absolutely do not believe that.
We as woman have intrinsic worth, above and beyond what society labels us. Jesus himself hung out with the prostitutes, which is something "Christians" seem to forget.
I remember as a young girl, my dad's second wife, in a fit of rage, told me that my mother was a whore. I burst into tears. I never got over it until I was in my late twenties. I realized, my mother was no whore. She is the best and kindest woman in the world. I was so sorry I had misjudged her, based on a vindictive and mean-hearted woman. Children are so innocent. God sees that and God makes his own marks.
There is nothing wrong with our sexuality. Nothing. God him/herself created it.
I will not let my son suffer. Perhaps this was a lesson he can learn now - and better for him to learn it now. Women are women. They are not whores or sluts or lesser than any man for having the same sexuality that a man is free to express without question or remark. Our sexuality does not determine who we are as a person.
I took my son aside, held him tight, and told him, YOU KNOW WHO I AM. NEVER FORGET THAT.
Later, my son told my daughter and I, "What daddy called you is something no one should call anyone."
He was right.
This is a poem I wrote when I was 19.
Whoring Lives
You left and suddenly,
you were fucking dad's employee
Wasn't quite appropriate for a Music Minister's wife
Mad, unstable mother -
we lived with dad
Visits were sneaking into a "no kids allowed" shit hole after your lover left you
hiding in the bathroom of a tiny studio inside a cabinet that was of course
empty.
That scrawny, bent-over manager tried to bribe you
with a little fix it all in the bathroom talk
we left.
There was an Albertson's dumpster out back
a new apartment for unwed mothers
digging out donuts bread cereal
you'd feed us Tuesday nights,
our nights.
Finally, your friend came back
pregnant mommy got married
"mommy moo moo"
but you were bigger than a cow,
then.
Years later, I heart your mother, a whore
and the weeping never stopped
2 men and a rape were too much
sleeping around for the pretend-to-be-wife
of a Minister of Music
who was really only a daughter
of an alcoholic and a whore.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sexuality for the Single Mom
This is a taboo subject unfortately. It's as if once we leave our marriages we are suddently supposed to have no desire left, except to care for our children. The same stigma is not put on a man who has a girlfriend but it is for mothers.
I made some decisions about how I would pursue my sexuality after my husband moved out. I had left a basically sex-less marriage, and I was certain I did not want to waste my sexual prime.
I had toys, lots of them. But that's not the same thing as having a real person. Not even close.
So, I made a commitment to myself that if I had an opportunity, and it was right, I would take it.
By right I mean that I knew the man and his sexual history, we used condoms and my children were in no way involved.
Of course, that often meant sex in bathrooms and cars - and at odd hours of the day...
But I did not want to have a "boyfriend". Coming out of a long relationship that felt stiffling, I did not want anyone else to have any say over me anymore.
I have always had a lot of male friends and I work primarily with men. I had several fun encounters, but not as many as I would have liked over the course of 2 years.
I felt I was being responsible. Afterall, I was putting my children first and I was cautious.
However, I made the mistake of telling one particular friend who took it upon herself to become God after an argument we had. She used the term whore and said I had slept with half our city. I told her I wish.
I thought it would end there, but she also took it upon herself to tell one of my lovers, an old high school sweetheart who I cared deeply for. He did not take the news well, despite our agreement that I would do as I pleased and keep it to myself. He lives in another city and only comes to town once or twice a year.
Then she called my husband, who I was in the process of divorcing.
Mind you, my husband is an alcoholic who brought cocaine into our home and cheated on me numerous times during our marriage. But he is still the father of my children, and this was information he didn't need to have.
To his credit, he didn't use it against me. He said it hurt his feelings and asked a few questions. To which I responded, look, you have your private life and I have mine. It's best to keep some of this stuff to ourselves.
He agreed.
So how do you maintain a fulfilling sexual life as a single mom?
First, I'd advise you to keep it largely to yourself.
I made some decisions about how I would pursue my sexuality after my husband moved out. I had left a basically sex-less marriage, and I was certain I did not want to waste my sexual prime.
I had toys, lots of them. But that's not the same thing as having a real person. Not even close.
So, I made a commitment to myself that if I had an opportunity, and it was right, I would take it.
By right I mean that I knew the man and his sexual history, we used condoms and my children were in no way involved.
Of course, that often meant sex in bathrooms and cars - and at odd hours of the day...
But I did not want to have a "boyfriend". Coming out of a long relationship that felt stiffling, I did not want anyone else to have any say over me anymore.
I have always had a lot of male friends and I work primarily with men. I had several fun encounters, but not as many as I would have liked over the course of 2 years.
I felt I was being responsible. Afterall, I was putting my children first and I was cautious.
However, I made the mistake of telling one particular friend who took it upon herself to become God after an argument we had. She used the term whore and said I had slept with half our city. I told her I wish.
I thought it would end there, but she also took it upon herself to tell one of my lovers, an old high school sweetheart who I cared deeply for. He did not take the news well, despite our agreement that I would do as I pleased and keep it to myself. He lives in another city and only comes to town once or twice a year.
Then she called my husband, who I was in the process of divorcing.
Mind you, my husband is an alcoholic who brought cocaine into our home and cheated on me numerous times during our marriage. But he is still the father of my children, and this was information he didn't need to have.
To his credit, he didn't use it against me. He said it hurt his feelings and asked a few questions. To which I responded, look, you have your private life and I have mine. It's best to keep some of this stuff to ourselves.
He agreed.
So how do you maintain a fulfilling sexual life as a single mom?
First, I'd advise you to keep it largely to yourself.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Very Sad
One of the dearest loves of my life has passed. My friend called me shortly before and placed the phone to his ear so I could say my last goodbye. Over the last 10+ years, Paul has been the quiet strength in my life.
Every major occasion in my life, whether it be buying my first house, my MBA graduation, breakups, my wedding, the birth of my children, baby showers, my birthdays, my children's birthday's, the various holidays...you name it...Paul has been there, cheering me on.
Few words were ever needed to express our love and friendship. He was a dear and gentle man. When he spoke, his words were measured and educated. He had no pretense. He was very smart, but he never felt the need to be right, or to argue. I never saw him angry. I never saw him mistreat anyone. If I needed advice, or someone to listen, he had some of the best ears around. He never judged anyone, but at the same time he would tell me not to put up with abuse or mistreatment, from anyone.
He lived a simple life and came off as a simple man, but he was much more than he appeared.
Gentleness is highly undervalued in my opinion.
I have never met anyone quite like Paul and I think I will miss him for the rest of my life.
Someday, I hope, boys, like my son, will learn that it is more than your pocketbook and the color of your skin and "what you do for a living" and the particular direction that you are inclined sexually that make you a man.
It is your promises, your word. It is saying you will be there, and being there. It is listening. It is your strength and your gentleness combined - not your force. It is work-ethic and resolve. Not just for the sake of building an empire, but for building a life you can be proud of. It is kindness, integrity and compassion. It is all the things that were my beloved Paul.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
