Emotional Abuse

When a woman finds herself involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, she is often as surprised as her friends and family are, says counselor Kelly McDaniel, author of Ready to Heal. "I repeatedly hear women say, 'The relationship didn't start out that way' or 'Most of the time, things seemed really good,' " she says. "Repetitive emotional abuse has an almost numbing effect. It becomes normal." - MARTHA BROCKENBROUGH

Verbal Abuse

"A child's name calling ("You poo poo!") and an adult's name calling ("You bitch!") both originate witin the same level of emotional development. The child hasn't had time to mature, so we are not disturbed by his name calling. The adult who is still name calling not only is disturbing but also can be dangerous." - Patricia Evens, The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

"A child's name calling ("You poo poo!") and an adult's name calling ("You bitch!") both originate witin the same level of emotional development. The child hasn't had time to mature, so we are not disturbed by his name calling. The adult who is still name calling not only is disturbing but also be dangerous." (137)

"Now, let us look at the origins of the abuser's behavior. The typical abuser also grew up in Reality 1, where Power Over and dominance prevailed, and hence so did verbal abuse. Also, as with the case of the partner, many of his feelings were neither validated nor accepted. However, unlike the partner, he had no compassionate witness to his experience. Without a compassionate witness, he could conclude only that nothing was wrong. If nothing was wrong at all, then all his painful feelings must not exist. Automatically he stopped feeling his painful feelings. He closed them off from awareness as one would close a door. And he did not know what he suffered. In this way he closed the door on a part of himself." (171)

"Without the knowledge of his feelings - of what he had suffered - he could not experience empathy and compassion and so could not cross the threshold into Reality II. This Reality was now behind closed doors.

Since the abuser feels justified in his behavior and seems to have no comprehension of its effects, we can only assume that he is acting out his repressed feelings and is, therefore, acting compulsively. Abusers seek Power Over because they feel helpless. The helpless, painful feelings of childhood that "must not exist" and "must not be felt" do exist and, if not felt, are acted out.

A long time ago in the abuser's childhood, he closed the door on these feelings. To survive in childhood he could do no less. His feeling self, nonetheless, lived on behind closed doors.

The longer the child within is unrecognized, the more enraged it becomes, and consequently, the more rage the abuser acts out. Alice Miller tells us

'As long as this child within us is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen, and sensitivity to the humiliations of childhood will therefore be dulled. All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing.' (Alice Miller, For your Own Good, 1983, p xv.)

Appeals to the abuser's compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic." (172)

"The confirmed abuser can define himself and the interpersonal reality so convincingly that the partner may accept his definitions. Such acceptance and trust increase her confusion...to most people, he's Mr. Nice Guy."...The abuser's loss of his feeling self and consequent feelings of powerlessness usually compel him to increasing self-aggrandizement and correspondingly greater disparagement of his partner. However, he cannot, by abuse, bring his stifled feeling self to life. Since he mistakes excitement for aliveness and triumph for strength, he remains in constant need of bolstering his ideal image. Usually, verbal abusers who become physically abusive do not see themselves as abusive, even when they are arrested. The abuser's denial arises out of the conflict between who he thinks he is and his compulsion to act abusively. The denial is a defense against the shattering of his ideal image and an impending identity crisis. His very identity would be at stake if he were to admit to what he was doing. This is why verbal abusers do not sincerely apologize." (174)

"As time passes, the typical abuser is more and more unwilling to face himself and the pain of his feelings. When they do surface, their source, to him, is his partner. This is projection. Through this projection, he will accuse his partner of all that he does, and blame her for all the abuse that she suffers. She then becomes as he once was, wounded and without a witness to her wounding." (175)


- Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Stopping

I have mostly stopped writing or even repeating to anyone the crazy things my husband says to me.

One thing I did learn in Al-Anon is that alcoholics all read from the same script. I could spend the rest of my life repeating things he says or has said to me, but it won't change anything. It will just be more wasted breath.

He blew up at me the other day and keeps wondering why we can't be friends. Well, because we aren't friends. He has never treated me like a friend. We have children together, and we have to make the best of it. But every time we start getting along, he takes it the wrong way, and then blows up on me when I remind him we are almost divorced.

Church

My daughter is not adjusting well to the time with her dad. I have talked to him about this, but there does not seem to be an agreement there.

He took the kids this weekend. He picked them up around 3 and called me a few hours later to say it was not going well and that maybe I should just take our daughter. When I tried to get more information he got frustrated and was just like, Fine! I'll take her!

Great!

On Sunday, we met at church. Everyone was already seated around us and I walked in a few minutes late. As soon as I sat down he greeted me with, "Late night?"

I don't know what he is trying to accomplish there, but I have gone to that church since I was a child so regardless of what he tries to do or say, he is the one who looks like an ass.

When church was over, I was busy getting ready for next weeks service, which I am coordinating with the youth.

Somehow when he tried to take our daughter out to the car, they started fighting. He had taken them to Denny's for breakfast and then stopped an got her a donut.

I don't agree with the food choices, but if you give a 4-year-old a donut, you better plan on her eating it.

He decided that he should take the donut from her, which made her freak out.

Then he told us that I could decide when she had the donut.

So I handed it to her.

Then, he freaked out.

He started screaming at me in the church parking lot, with people around, that I needed to work on my parenting skills.

Um, no, I think you do.

So Sunday was a bit rough. I felt like she was adjusting to being with him. She was clingy. She was clearly having a hard time.

Both of her teachers called me this afternoon to discuss her behavior, which was troubling to them.

They told me that she continually says she does not like to be with her dad. They also said that contrary to the story he's been telling me, she always melts down when her dad comes to pick her up and she does not want to go with him.

When one teacher tried to talk to her about what she does with her dad, she said, "He doesn't play with me." They asked what they did and she said, "He watches TV with me."

I know they do other things but I am still troubled that she is telling me and everyone else that she doesn't want to be there.

They suggested I put her into counseling, so I made a call to my son's counselor to get her in.

I tried to talk to my ex about this tactfully. I just repeated the facts. While he expressed some concern over her, his main concern was about himself and his own feelings.

I'm tired of nurturing the child in a grown man. This is the job his parents should have done. Now, all three of us are left with the rubble.

The Power of Words

Several years ago, I saw something at my son's school that was extremely disturbing to me.

A man was berating his wife on the phone while is son stood there, looking as belittled as his mother must have felt.

He stood there screaming at her for being "so stupid", "dumb", etc.

I nearly started crying as I looked at the boy, wondering what to do.

I left my son in the car and went to the boy. I could hear all of his side of the conversation so I knew he was angry because she had not planned for childcare for the boy while they attended his parent-teacher conference.

I gave him some affection and interrupted the father to tell him I could take the boy with me. We had an extra car seat and were headed to the mall and lunch before heading to a class birthday party.

He agreed with little fanfare. I took the boy and got him into the car. I gave him a hug and asked him if he was OK. He looked shaken.

This boy was always the "problem child" in class, and this day confirmed something for me that I have always felt. When children act out, something is going on at home.

I had never seen this side of the boy. I had always seen him as the boy who got into trouble, who often did and said things I did not like.

While he was with me that afternoon, however, he was such a sweet little darling. He took my hand at the mall and seemed to blossom with the attention and kindness.

As soon as his mother joined us for lunch, the boy returned back to his rambunctious self. I was sad to see the other boy leave.

I found out later that the man was a counselor who deals with abused women. I found that extremely ironic.

This morning I got a sweet message from that woman on Facebook. I went to her page, which I had not visited yet. In the "About Me" section, she had written, "I am not very smart, but..."

Some of us as women know our worth and words do not affect us. They may sting when they are voiced by someone we love, but we know they are not true.

It was clear to me this morning that this woman had internalized everything and now believes she is stupid.

I believe we evolve (hopefully) into strong beings that will not tolerate abuse. Eventually we do not attract it anymore, it does not even come into our realm.

But I was also reminded this morning of the importance of words and the importance of using them wisely.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

My counselor gave me this book nearly 8 years ago, when I first began seeing her at the beginning of my relationship with my husband.

I only recently started reading it. I sure wish I would have read it earlier. I suppose I was not ready for it. It was a quick read for me - I absorbed it and felt affirmed by the answers I found within the book.

I never would have put the initial signs together and thought that I was being verbally abused. What I realized after reading this book half-way is that verbal abuse usually starts gradual and it is very covert.

It was easy to acknowledge that calling me a CUNT and a BITCH was verbal abuse. There are a lot of things I can look back on and recognize as sure signs of verbal abuse. But what this book explains is all the little things that led up to that, which I suppose my counselor saw and I was blinded to.

"A child's name calling ("You poo poo!") and an adult's name calling ("You bitch!") both originate witin the same level of emotional development. The child hasn't had time to mature, so we are not disturbed by his name calling. The adult who is still name calling not only is disturbing but also be dangerous." (137)

The book also explains how his reality is completely different than mine, which actually helps a lot.

A favorite book of mine is The Four Agreements. One of the agreements is to "Not take anything personally." Throughout reading this book, I kept thinking about that agreement over and over again. I have taken the abuse by my husband and his family very personally. But this is a generational, family issue with them. This book really explained the dynamics in his family (and mine) that allowed his happen and continue.

"Now, let us look at the origins of the abuser's behavior. The typical abuser also grew up in Reality 1, where Power Over and dominance prevailed, and hence so did verbal abuse. Also, as with the case of the partner, many of his feelings were neither validated nor accepted. However, unlike the partner, he had no compassionate witness to his experience. Without a compassionate witness, he could conclude only that nothing was wrong. If nothing was wrong at all, then all his painful feelings must not exist. Automatically he stopped feeling his painful feelings. He closed them off from awareness as one would close a door. And he did not know what he suffered. In this way he closed the door on a part of himself." (171)

"Without the knowledge of his feelings - of what he had suffered - he could not experience empathy and compassion and so could not cross the threshold into Reality II. This Reality was now behind closed doors.

Since the abuser feels justified in his behavior and seems to have no comprehension of its effects, we can only assume that he is acting out his repressed feelings and is, therefore, acting compulsively. Abusers seek Power Over because they feel helpless. The helpless, painful feelings of childhood that "must not exist" and "must not be felt" do exist and, if not felt, are acted out.

A long time ago in the abuser's childhood, he closed the door on these feelings. To survive in childhood he could do no less. His feeling self, nonetheless, lived on behind closed doors.

The longer the child within is unrecognized, the more enraged it becomes, and consequently, the more rage the abuser acts out. Alice Miller tells us

As long as this child within us is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen, and sensitivity to the humiliations of childhood will therefore be dulled. All appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless if this crucial prerequisite of sympathy and understanding is missing. (Alice Miller, For your Own Good, 1983, p xv.)

Appeals to the abuser's compassion are fruitless, because the abuser is not empathetic." (172)

"The confirmed abuser can define himself and the interpersonal reality so convincingly that the partner may accept his definitions. Such acceptance and trust increase her confusion...to most people, he's Mr. Nice Guy."...The abuser's loss of his feeling self and consequent feelings of powerlessness usually compel him to increasing self-aggrandizement and correspondingly greater disparagement of his partner. However, he cannot, by abuse, bring his stifled feeling self to life. Since he mistakes excitement for aliveness and triumph for strength, he remains in constant need of bolstering his ideal image. Usually, verbal abusers who become physically abusive do not see themselves as abusive, even when they are arrested. The abuser's denial arises out of the conflict between who he thinks he is and his compulsion to act abusively. The denial is a defense against the shattering of his ideal image and an impending identity crisis. His very identity would be at stake if he were to admit to what he was doing. This is why verbal abusers do not sincerely apologize." (174)

"As time passes, the typical abuser is more and more unwilling to face himself and the pain of his feelings. When they do surface, their source, to him, is his partner. This is projection. Through this projection, he will accuse his partner of all that he does, and blame her for all the abuse that she suffers. She then becomes as he once was, wounded and without a witness to her wounding." (175)

The last thing I want to touch on is that she also states something that really resonates with me. While my husband and I attended the Betty Ford marriage workshop, we were told that we both played a 50% role in the blame for the relationship. My husband likes to pull this out during an arguement, but I have never believed this. Evans explains that for a therapist to even suggest this to someone who has experienced verbal abuse, is to abuse them over again.

After reading this book, I really feel that the majority of problems between both me and my husband and me and my father-in-law revolve around verbal abuse. Alcoholism and addiction seem to be a secondary issue.