“I take the Bible much too seriously to take it literally.”
-Madeleine L’Engle
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christianity. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Heavy Heart
I have not had time to write these last few days.
My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday night. I have been with her most of the days-time hours.
During that time, it seemed that my great-grandmother was also on her death-bed, but then it turned out today it was a misdiagnosis.
My heart has been heavy.
I left at 5 today, as one of my sisters was able to come down from Seattle to be with my grandmother. My dad and I had been with her most of the time until then. I did not want to leave her alone. She is almost 93.
I have been on the fence about what to do about my job for a while. I have known I did not want my current position and met with my Vice President last week. He was very generous with me and I have been weighing what he said since then.
However, this morning, during my grandmother's procedure, I realized my heart is just not there, and I did not want to stay.
I resigned today.
I have been there for nearly 6 years, so it was a hard decision.
Both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother are now terminal.
My financial position is not great right now - I suppose that is all relative - but I just feel that I need this time with these women who have been so crucial to me in my own life.
Caregiving is not a respected "job" in our society. Much like motherhood, it is not valued, because it is not "profitable". But to me, there is no more important job in the world.
I have had some very intimate moments with my grandmother these last few days. Things that money truly could never buy or even recognize.
This is one area where the Muslim community rises so high above where we are as an American "Christian" society, that I could write a million pages on it and it still would not suffice.
I am very happy with our church. But the church needs to do better in this regard. We are such an individualistic society. We have completely lost our way.
I have been very strong all week. I have tried to be lighthearted and laugh with my grandmother. Tonight, I took a break and took my children to an Earth Day concert with African music. Perhaps that broke me. My children have missed me. My mother and their father have done a good job helping me this week. But the children are used to me. They were needy and did not behave their best. My daughter loved the music, but my son pouted. I did not have my usual patience.
I broke down and cried on the way home. It has been a long week. And I know there is more to come. Both my sisters live in Seattle, so the burden is mostly with my dad and me. I am glad to take it, but it is also exhausting.
I try to express to my children the importance of what I am doing, but I don't think they understand. I realized tonight at the hippie gathering that we were at that my children do not share all of my values. Perhaps I have done a poor job of expressing them, or perhaps there have been too many outside influences. But I really want them to understand that money is not the saviour of the world. Love is. Family is.
In the end, that is all there is. And if you don't know that, you will be lost - they will be lost.
My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday night. I have been with her most of the days-time hours.
During that time, it seemed that my great-grandmother was also on her death-bed, but then it turned out today it was a misdiagnosis.
My heart has been heavy.
I left at 5 today, as one of my sisters was able to come down from Seattle to be with my grandmother. My dad and I had been with her most of the time until then. I did not want to leave her alone. She is almost 93.
I have been on the fence about what to do about my job for a while. I have known I did not want my current position and met with my Vice President last week. He was very generous with me and I have been weighing what he said since then.
However, this morning, during my grandmother's procedure, I realized my heart is just not there, and I did not want to stay.
I resigned today.
I have been there for nearly 6 years, so it was a hard decision.
Both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother are now terminal.
My financial position is not great right now - I suppose that is all relative - but I just feel that I need this time with these women who have been so crucial to me in my own life.
Caregiving is not a respected "job" in our society. Much like motherhood, it is not valued, because it is not "profitable". But to me, there is no more important job in the world.
I have had some very intimate moments with my grandmother these last few days. Things that money truly could never buy or even recognize.
This is one area where the Muslim community rises so high above where we are as an American "Christian" society, that I could write a million pages on it and it still would not suffice.
I am very happy with our church. But the church needs to do better in this regard. We are such an individualistic society. We have completely lost our way.
I have been very strong all week. I have tried to be lighthearted and laugh with my grandmother. Tonight, I took a break and took my children to an Earth Day concert with African music. Perhaps that broke me. My children have missed me. My mother and their father have done a good job helping me this week. But the children are used to me. They were needy and did not behave their best. My daughter loved the music, but my son pouted. I did not have my usual patience.
I broke down and cried on the way home. It has been a long week. And I know there is more to come. Both my sisters live in Seattle, so the burden is mostly with my dad and me. I am glad to take it, but it is also exhausting.
I try to express to my children the importance of what I am doing, but I don't think they understand. I realized tonight at the hippie gathering that we were at that my children do not share all of my values. Perhaps I have done a poor job of expressing them, or perhaps there have been too many outside influences. But I really want them to understand that money is not the saviour of the world. Love is. Family is.
In the end, that is all there is. And if you don't know that, you will be lost - they will be lost.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is something I have struggled with since I was a child. Growing up as a Fundamentalist Christian, I was always told I had to forgive, but no one told me how. I would beg God to help me forgive, but the hatred would still remain in my heart.
Many years ago, I started reading Louise Hay and she had many forgiveness exercises, many of which helped. But the one thing that she said that stuck with me was that you only have to be willing to forgive and it will come. I held on to that, and there have been several miracles in my life around that lately.
But I have also been thinking and reading a lot these last few months. I feel like this has been a good period of growth for me. Here are a few thoughts I have had lately around forgiveness that have really helped me.
Most of the time I find myself unable to forgive it is because I think "my" sister, husband, friend... should not have treated me that way. I have taken it personally. When you remove the "my" from the equation it is easier to overcome a transgression.
When I view them as just a person instead of a person in my life that I somehow want to control to my liking, the "transgression" seems lesser.
You do not have to maintain a toxic relationship with anyone. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Close the door to that part of your life. But don't give that person power over you by holding on to a resentment about them.
Release the relationship from your life. View them as simply another person. You may still judge their action as "wrong" but it won't hurt in the same way if it is not a wrong that was committed against you. It is just a wrong. And, perhaps you will be able to see their side a little better.
I remember a woman speaking at church several months ago about forgiveness and specifically turning the other cheek. Her interpretation was not literal. She saw it as turning the other way to see the other person's side of things.
One of the Madea movies also had a good quote about forgiveness (although I haven't been able to remember or google which one it was!). It goes something like this....you will know you have forgiven someone when you have an opportunity to get even with them and you don't take it.
Many years ago, I started reading Louise Hay and she had many forgiveness exercises, many of which helped. But the one thing that she said that stuck with me was that you only have to be willing to forgive and it will come. I held on to that, and there have been several miracles in my life around that lately.
But I have also been thinking and reading a lot these last few months. I feel like this has been a good period of growth for me. Here are a few thoughts I have had lately around forgiveness that have really helped me.
Most of the time I find myself unable to forgive it is because I think "my" sister, husband, friend... should not have treated me that way. I have taken it personally. When you remove the "my" from the equation it is easier to overcome a transgression.
When I view them as just a person instead of a person in my life that I somehow want to control to my liking, the "transgression" seems lesser.
You do not have to maintain a toxic relationship with anyone. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Close the door to that part of your life. But don't give that person power over you by holding on to a resentment about them.
Release the relationship from your life. View them as simply another person. You may still judge their action as "wrong" but it won't hurt in the same way if it is not a wrong that was committed against you. It is just a wrong. And, perhaps you will be able to see their side a little better.
I remember a woman speaking at church several months ago about forgiveness and specifically turning the other cheek. Her interpretation was not literal. She saw it as turning the other way to see the other person's side of things.
One of the Madea movies also had a good quote about forgiveness (although I haven't been able to remember or google which one it was!). It goes something like this....you will know you have forgiven someone when you have an opportunity to get even with them and you don't take it.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Imagine a Woman
Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.
Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
IAW Who has healed into the present.
Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.
Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.
Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.
Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as the breath.
Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.
Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
A woman who produces original creations.
Who refuses to color inside someone else's lines.
Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.
Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.
Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenge.
Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.
Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.
Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.
Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
A woman who is available to herself.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.
Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
Who expects others to be blessed and challenged by her presence in their lives.
Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
Who has taken her rightful place in the human community.
Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to navigate the challenges of life.
Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.
Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.
Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.
Imagine yourself as this woman.
by Patricia Lynn Reilly
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.
Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
IAW Who has healed into the present.
Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.
Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.
Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.
Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as the breath.
Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.
Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
A woman who produces original creations.
Who refuses to color inside someone else's lines.
Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.
Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.
Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenge.
Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.
Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.
Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.
Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
A woman who is available to herself.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.
Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
Who expects others to be blessed and challenged by her presence in their lives.
Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
Who has taken her rightful place in the human community.
Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to navigate the challenges of life.
Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.
Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.
Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.
Imagine yourself as this woman.
by Patricia Lynn Reilly
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The Stoning of Soraya M.
This movie really touched me deeply. I have been struck recently by all the posts by fellow Christians this week coming up to Easter. I have felt that I don't know why we focus so much on the suffering of Christ 2000 years ago instead of people who are suffering around us.
Is this really what Christ's message was?
Is this really what Christ's message was?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Trust in God
The one thing I did get from my Fourth step was a realization about my trust level in God.
I have been thinking about this a lot these last few days. I consider myself a spiritual person and both the Muslim and Christian faiths are very important to me. But I realized that I have not been trusting in God. I think somewhere I have this belief that God will not completely take care of me, and I know that goes back to my childhood.
I have depended too much on my husband to take care of me. I wish I would have taken back the reigns to my life sooner. I think what they say about turning the alcoholic into our god was true for me.
Life was often unpredictable and scary for me. I would stay up all night worrying about what he would do instead of praying to God for guidance and help. I can remember very few times when I prayed and asked God for help. The Serenity Prayer has always worked for me, but I often get out of the habit of using it.
Having my own children was very healing for me. I went to a therapist during my entire pregnancy with my son, and got a lot of issues resolved from childhood. But having children also taught me tremendous grace towards my own parents. I realize now how hard they worked and appreciate their many sacrifices.
I think both of my parents are wonderful and kind people. I believe they truly did the best they could throughout my childhood (sometimes much more).
I had some resentments prior to having my daughter toward my mother that I have since resolved. The conclusion that I have come to on both parents is that they both married way too young and, once divorced, married again way too soon.
After being a single mom, I can understand now why they both remarried again so quickly. It is very, very hard to suddenly do everything (well) on your own. Every day, I feel I have failed my children on some level. I don't believe that raising children is a one-person job.
I do not blame my parents anymore. I do not think I would not make the same choice however.
My relationship with both my step parents was difficult. I do not speak to either step parent anymore, and I have no desire to. Any abuse I suffered as a child was at the hands of a step parent. I used to blame my parents for not protecting me better, but I now know that abusive people conduct their abuse in secret. Silence is their weapon.
I do think that the abuse you suffer as a child sets you up to attract further abuse. I don't think that had my parents stayed together, I would have made the same choices in my marriage. (Neither of my parents were abusive people.) That said, I accept that things are now as they are. I used to dream as a child that my parents would get back together, but as an adult I see that they were never right for each other. I would not have wanted my parents to stay together for my sake and be unhappy. I hope to make good choices from my experience so that my children will have a different experience.
I made the decision long ago that I did not want to have step parents for my children, and that I also did not want to be a step parent myself. I think it is a nearly impossible job. You will never replace the parent, no matter how hard you try. I do have empathy now for both of my step parents and I have forgiven them. But I am also not in a place now where I want to have contact with either of them. I do not want the negative energy in my life.
I realized the other day that I have been very closed-minded about all of this. Even my father-in-law told me several times when things were very bad with my husband that I should remarry and find a nice stepfather for the kids. I told him emphatically that I did not want to do that.
I think I have been living in fear about all the what-ifs that could happen with my kids. They are so precious and I want to protect them - but not smother them.
I think that is one reason I have tried so hard to protect my children and control the outcomes of who can be around them and in what regard. I have this gnawing fear about letting anyone who could possibly hurt my children around them. I know from experience, that unkind words hurt long after they are said.
I think I somehow had the feeling growing up that if I became more and more religious (Christian at that time) that God would protect me. I went to church nearly every day and was always reading my Bible and praying. I thought that the better person or Christian I was, the more God would favor me and protect me.
That did not happen, and as I went into my 20's, I hit a wall with my faith. I could not believe at all. I cried and prayed about it, but I could not believe anymore. I became an atheist for a time.
It was not until I met my first husband that I regained any spirituality. I was so taken with Islam - (secretly at first, as I took pride in being an atheist and not needing God anymore). But as time went on, I decided that I wanted to study Islam, (only intellectually at first) and then it became deeply spiritual for me.
As life progressed, I realized that I was also free to go back to some of my Christian beliefs and services. I do not have to be in a "Muslim" or "Atheist" box. I began to feel very good about my spirituality. I did not feel trapped and I did not have that worry of going to hell that I did growing up.
Children have an innocence about them that is so beautiful. There is no fear in their love or their belief. As life goes on, sometimes that is tainted, and we lose our faith. Or we believe that we have to be "just so" for God to love us. (Or even for us to love ourselves.)
What I like about my current beliefs is that I don't "try" to be a Christian or a Muslim or anything. I just am. And that is good enough.
While I think I have come a long way in my spiritual journey, I have never regained that complete trust in God that I had when I was a kid.
I want to get that back.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Does Al-Anon work for Everyone?
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about why Al-Anon does not "work" for me. I don't mean that its a bad program, or that it does not have merit, but I don't think it's a cure-all.
I have been thinking that Al-Anon is a very American program, and although I am an American, I tend not to think like one.
I rarely see anyone but Americans in my meetings. There are occasionally some British and one Russian woman. Obviously all groups have alcoholics in them, so I am wondering what other cultures do. I know that Al-Anon and AA have groups everywhere, but I don't believe either program is as prevalent in any other culture.
I also have been thinking a great deal about religion lately. While Al-Anon is supposed to be vanilla, it seems very Christian to me. It does not mesh culturally or philosophically with what I believe as a Muslim. I suppose I can somewhat relate to it from my Christian upbringing, but I have yet to see another Muslim in any Al-Anon meeting. (I do have one Muslim friend online who attends Al-Anon meetings however, so I plan to ask her for her opinion.)
I talked recently with a Mormon who had tried Al-Anon and she felt similarly.
I also talked to another friend who does not like Al-Anon at all because she is an atheist and it is "too Christian" for her. We talked about another friend who was Jewish who had similar sentiments. I am very interested to look into a Jewish perspective on this. I can't think of any Jewish alcoholics I know of. I am going to start asking around.
I think the similarities that I see between these other religions is that they tend to be VERY family and group oriented. Whereas traditional Christianity encourages forgiveness and more of an individual, personal relationship with God or Jesus, these other groups tend to emphasis personal responsibility to the group. They do not believe it is OK for an individual to behave poorly or blame the "victim". The victim is given assistance by the group.
A Muslim man who did not take care of his family because of alcoholism would be shamed. Shaming may not be ideal for the alcoholic, but I sure don't know many Muslim alcoholics. What is better for the family and the community as a whole is what is most important - not so much the individual (also an American thing in my opinion). If someone strays from that, they are taken aside and held to account. If they still can not behave, they would be shunned from the group. Thus, you do not often see this behavior.
I do not think we would ask someone in a concentration camp what their part in it was. I think we would say, ESCAPE! GET OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Similarly, as someone who really did not grow up this way, I find the conditions of living in an alcoholic home to be completely inhumane. I think Al-Anon sometimes encourages us (perhaps inadvertently) to stay in bad situations and "look at our part" instead of getting out.
I remember when I was at a Betty Ford workshop for married couples listening to so many stories I did not agree with. The facilitators were telling us that we had basically equal responsibility in the relationship. (Ironically, both facilitators were addicts in recovery.)
One woman was with an alcoholic who treated her horribly and cheated on her. To this day, I still can not see her equal part in this. She was a very kind woman. Every time her husband spoke, I could not believe the justifications that were coming out of his mouth for his continually poor behavior. If I could go back, I would tell all of those women to get the hell out of the relationship - and then look at their part, if they had any. Their part perhaps was choosing an unsuitable mate.
Al-Anon often seems rather cult-like to me in that (especially the online community) is always trying to convince you how well it works. To me, if it worked that well, we would not hear the continual problems stemming from the alcoholic. One of the things that attracted me to Islam is that no one ever tried to recruit me. I just watched people who I thought were beautiful inside and wanted to learn more.
I also find it strange when people in "recovery" encourage you to only talk to other people in "recovery" and insinuate that everyone else is somehow emotionally unhealthy. I understand that people in the program have been through similar circumstances, but most of the people I meet in program seem to have significantly more problems than people out of program. It seems to me that if you want to find answers in your life, you should look to people who are living in healthy situations. I have seen several people who seem sage-like in Al-Anon, but the proportion of healthy people outside of Al-Anon and AA seems much greater to me.
The slogan it works if you work it reminds me of growing up as a fundamentalist Christian. Like the faith healers who tell people they would be healed if they only believed enough, I think that slogan places unjust emphasis on the believer.
I always find it sort of insulting when someone tries to convince me that their religion is the only right one and mine is wrong. (Or worse yet, that I am going to hell because I don't believe as they do - although that really just makes me laugh at this point.) I don't mind discussing or debating religion at all, but I like to do so with an open mind and hope that the other person also has an open mind.
Similarly, I find it offensive when people in Al-Anon think that their method is the only one that works. It may be the only program, but I think saying that it should work for all people is like saying Christianity is the only "right" religion. My perspective on religion is that God created many types of people and hence there is a religion (or not) that works for everyone.
I started as a Religion major in college and have always been very fascinated by this topic, so I'd love to hear more input. This is definitely something I want to look into further.
I have been thinking that Al-Anon is a very American program, and although I am an American, I tend not to think like one.
I rarely see anyone but Americans in my meetings. There are occasionally some British and one Russian woman. Obviously all groups have alcoholics in them, so I am wondering what other cultures do. I know that Al-Anon and AA have groups everywhere, but I don't believe either program is as prevalent in any other culture.
I also have been thinking a great deal about religion lately. While Al-Anon is supposed to be vanilla, it seems very Christian to me. It does not mesh culturally or philosophically with what I believe as a Muslim. I suppose I can somewhat relate to it from my Christian upbringing, but I have yet to see another Muslim in any Al-Anon meeting. (I do have one Muslim friend online who attends Al-Anon meetings however, so I plan to ask her for her opinion.)
I talked recently with a Mormon who had tried Al-Anon and she felt similarly.
I also talked to another friend who does not like Al-Anon at all because she is an atheist and it is "too Christian" for her. We talked about another friend who was Jewish who had similar sentiments. I am very interested to look into a Jewish perspective on this. I can't think of any Jewish alcoholics I know of. I am going to start asking around.
I think the similarities that I see between these other religions is that they tend to be VERY family and group oriented. Whereas traditional Christianity encourages forgiveness and more of an individual, personal relationship with God or Jesus, these other groups tend to emphasis personal responsibility to the group. They do not believe it is OK for an individual to behave poorly or blame the "victim". The victim is given assistance by the group.
A Muslim man who did not take care of his family because of alcoholism would be shamed. Shaming may not be ideal for the alcoholic, but I sure don't know many Muslim alcoholics. What is better for the family and the community as a whole is what is most important - not so much the individual (also an American thing in my opinion). If someone strays from that, they are taken aside and held to account. If they still can not behave, they would be shunned from the group. Thus, you do not often see this behavior.
I do not think we would ask someone in a concentration camp what their part in it was. I think we would say, ESCAPE! GET OUT! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Similarly, as someone who really did not grow up this way, I find the conditions of living in an alcoholic home to be completely inhumane. I think Al-Anon sometimes encourages us (perhaps inadvertently) to stay in bad situations and "look at our part" instead of getting out.
I remember when I was at a Betty Ford workshop for married couples listening to so many stories I did not agree with. The facilitators were telling us that we had basically equal responsibility in the relationship. (Ironically, both facilitators were addicts in recovery.)
One woman was with an alcoholic who treated her horribly and cheated on her. To this day, I still can not see her equal part in this. She was a very kind woman. Every time her husband spoke, I could not believe the justifications that were coming out of his mouth for his continually poor behavior. If I could go back, I would tell all of those women to get the hell out of the relationship - and then look at their part, if they had any. Their part perhaps was choosing an unsuitable mate.
Al-Anon often seems rather cult-like to me in that (especially the online community) is always trying to convince you how well it works. To me, if it worked that well, we would not hear the continual problems stemming from the alcoholic. One of the things that attracted me to Islam is that no one ever tried to recruit me. I just watched people who I thought were beautiful inside and wanted to learn more.
I also find it strange when people in "recovery" encourage you to only talk to other people in "recovery" and insinuate that everyone else is somehow emotionally unhealthy. I understand that people in the program have been through similar circumstances, but most of the people I meet in program seem to have significantly more problems than people out of program. It seems to me that if you want to find answers in your life, you should look to people who are living in healthy situations. I have seen several people who seem sage-like in Al-Anon, but the proportion of healthy people outside of Al-Anon and AA seems much greater to me.
The slogan it works if you work it reminds me of growing up as a fundamentalist Christian. Like the faith healers who tell people they would be healed if they only believed enough, I think that slogan places unjust emphasis on the believer.
I always find it sort of insulting when someone tries to convince me that their religion is the only right one and mine is wrong. (Or worse yet, that I am going to hell because I don't believe as they do - although that really just makes me laugh at this point.) I don't mind discussing or debating religion at all, but I like to do so with an open mind and hope that the other person also has an open mind.
Similarly, I find it offensive when people in Al-Anon think that their method is the only one that works. It may be the only program, but I think saying that it should work for all people is like saying Christianity is the only "right" religion. My perspective on religion is that God created many types of people and hence there is a religion (or not) that works for everyone.
I started as a Religion major in college and have always been very fascinated by this topic, so I'd love to hear more input. This is definitely something I want to look into further.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Things that BUG me about AA and Al-Anon
My husband has been working the steps. I notice when he works the steps, he is a much nicer person. (Maybe I should work the steps, LOL, I stopped on Step 4!)
In any case, we have been getting along very well for the most part.
However, yesterday I spent several hours on our finances and was in a pissy mood and snapped. He tried to say something to make me feel better and I told him not to give me any of that "AA crap."
I should say that I probably don't have the highest opinion of AA because of my father-in-law being involved with it for over 20 years. For someone who is such an ass, I just don't see how that program really transformed him.
He is sober, but he's still an ass. From what I've heard, he has always been an ass and has never really changed. I do know that many people in the program respect him and say that he has helped them, but I can not see where he has taken that to the outside world. In my opinion, he still treats most people, including his family, like shit.
The problem I have with AA and Al-Anon is that they seem to work great while you are working on them. But the minute you step away, you are back to being the same person. I don't see that they are transformative in a lasting way. It seems like something where you are constantly having to attend meetings to reinforce behavior. And honestly, the slogans bug me.
The slogans in and of themselves are great. There are a lot of truths to what is said. But my issue is that people seem to use these as band aids when someone has a problem, instead of saying something more heartfelt and fitting to the occasion. It reminds me of Christians I know that become so indoctrinated that they never actually speak their own words anymore - they simply spat Bible verses at you for whatever your particular problem might be at the moment.
So while this may be an improvement for some people, I am just not fond of robots. I like people who are free thinkers. Perhaps that is just to ingrained in my personality - I take a little of this, and a little of that and mix it all together and use what works. (Which I suppose you can also use an Al-Anon slogan for that - "Take what works, leave the rest.")
I worry that although my husband and I get along well while he is working his program (and he is in all regards now: sponsor, meetings and steps). But, what will happen when this stops or the intensity dies down? Because inevitably, it will. I have been around the ups and downs of drunkenness, sobriety, relapse and redemption all too many times over the last 8 years.
I suppose my issue with AA and Al-Anon is that I think there should be more. Nothing has changed in 50 years, and we know a lot more about addiction and co-dependency now than we did at the start of these programs. I also think that people in AA start to think that their behavior is normal, and it's not to most people.
I remember the Fourth Wife telling me that she thinks all families are dysfunctional. She said something to the effect that some people try to pretend like theirs aren't but they all are.
I couldn't disagree more. No family is perfect, that's for sure. But to say all families are dysfunctional seems like a complete stretch - and a fabrication to make herself feel better.
I think there should be more integration between AA and Al-Anon - and I think we should be more integrated within society as a whole. There is still this secrecy around addiction that keeps it more dysfunctional.
In any case, we have been getting along very well for the most part.
However, yesterday I spent several hours on our finances and was in a pissy mood and snapped. He tried to say something to make me feel better and I told him not to give me any of that "AA crap."
I should say that I probably don't have the highest opinion of AA because of my father-in-law being involved with it for over 20 years. For someone who is such an ass, I just don't see how that program really transformed him.
He is sober, but he's still an ass. From what I've heard, he has always been an ass and has never really changed. I do know that many people in the program respect him and say that he has helped them, but I can not see where he has taken that to the outside world. In my opinion, he still treats most people, including his family, like shit.
The problem I have with AA and Al-Anon is that they seem to work great while you are working on them. But the minute you step away, you are back to being the same person. I don't see that they are transformative in a lasting way. It seems like something where you are constantly having to attend meetings to reinforce behavior. And honestly, the slogans bug me.
The slogans in and of themselves are great. There are a lot of truths to what is said. But my issue is that people seem to use these as band aids when someone has a problem, instead of saying something more heartfelt and fitting to the occasion. It reminds me of Christians I know that become so indoctrinated that they never actually speak their own words anymore - they simply spat Bible verses at you for whatever your particular problem might be at the moment.
So while this may be an improvement for some people, I am just not fond of robots. I like people who are free thinkers. Perhaps that is just to ingrained in my personality - I take a little of this, and a little of that and mix it all together and use what works. (Which I suppose you can also use an Al-Anon slogan for that - "Take what works, leave the rest.")
I worry that although my husband and I get along well while he is working his program (and he is in all regards now: sponsor, meetings and steps). But, what will happen when this stops or the intensity dies down? Because inevitably, it will. I have been around the ups and downs of drunkenness, sobriety, relapse and redemption all too many times over the last 8 years.
I suppose my issue with AA and Al-Anon is that I think there should be more. Nothing has changed in 50 years, and we know a lot more about addiction and co-dependency now than we did at the start of these programs. I also think that people in AA start to think that their behavior is normal, and it's not to most people.
I remember the Fourth Wife telling me that she thinks all families are dysfunctional. She said something to the effect that some people try to pretend like theirs aren't but they all are.
I couldn't disagree more. No family is perfect, that's for sure. But to say all families are dysfunctional seems like a complete stretch - and a fabrication to make herself feel better.
I think there should be more integration between AA and Al-Anon - and I think we should be more integrated within society as a whole. There is still this secrecy around addiction that keeps it more dysfunctional.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Like Alcohol, Religion Disinhibits Violence, Doesn’t Cause It
My wonderful athiest friend B posted this the other day and I thought it was a very interesting article. The author is also an athiest, and as a Mustlim-Christian I thought it was very fair.
On November 5, a Muslim US army psychiatrist, Nidal Malik Hasan, shot and killed thirteen of his fellow soldiers on the Fort Hood military base, injuring another thirty. In response to the Fort Hood shootings, some people are blaming Islam. Others are saying Islam had nothing to do with it, that the problem is our war of aggression or failure to care for psychologically wounded soldiers. I believe both are wrong.
The relationship of religion to violence is complicated. With the possible exception of Buddhism, the world’s most powerful religions give wildly contradictory messages about violence. The Christian Bible is full of exhortations to kindness, compassion, humility, mercy and justice. It is also full of exhortations to stoning, burning, slavery and slaughter. The same can be said of the Koran. The same can be said of the Torah. Believers who claim that Islam or Christianity or Judaism is a religion of peace are speaking a half truth—and a naive falsehood.
The human inclination toward peacemaking or violence exists on a continuum. Happy, healthy people who are inherently inclined toward peacemaking focus on sacred texts and spiritual practices that encourage peace. Those who are bitter, angry, fearful or prone to self-righteousness are attracted to texts that sanction violence and teachers who encourage the same. People along the middle of this continuum can be drawn in either direction by charismatic religious leaders who selectively focus on one or the other.
Each person’s individual violence risk is shaped by a host of factors: genetics, early learning, health, culture, social networks, life circumstances, and acute triggers. To blame any act of violence on religion is as silly as blaming an act of violence on guns or alcohol. But to deny that religion plays a role is as silly as denying that alcohol and guns play a role. It is to pretend that religions are inert, that our deepest values and beliefs about reality and morality have no impact on our behavior.
From a psychological standpoint, religions often put a god’s name on impulses that have subconscious, pre-verbal roots. They elicit peak experiences like mystic euphoria, dominance, submission, love and joy. They claim credit for the moral emotions (e.g. shame, guilt, disgust and empathy) that incline us toward fair play and altruism, and they direct these emotions toward specific persons or activities. In a similar way, religions elicit and channel protective reactions like anger and fear, the emotions most likely to underlie violence.
What is the role of religion in a tragedy like the Fort Hood shootings? The answer isn’t simple. From the swirl of conjecture and hype is emerging the image of a man who was lonely, who couldn’t quite seem to win at love, and who was profoundly troubled by the horror stories brought home by his soldier clients. Do therapists experience vicarious trauma? Absolutely. Does this trauma put their own mental health at risk? Absolutely. Many of them deal with this risk by seeking professional consultation, asking for support from loving family and friends, and limiting the number of post-traumatic clients that they see. It appears that Hasan made at least tentative attempts in several of these directions. But primarily he turned to forms of Islam that only deepened his sense of alienation and anger. In what must have been an anguishing conflict of loyalties, piety helped him to resolve the conflict in favor of co-religionists over compatriots. Ultimately, rage won out—righteous, sanctified rage—which came to matter more than any value he as a healer placed on his own life or the lives of his colleagues and clients.
I would argue that, like alcohol, religion disinhibits violence rather than causing it, and that it does so only when other factors have created conditions favorable toward aggression. I might also argue that under better circumstances religion disinhibits generosity and compassion increasing prosocial behavior. Religion often is centered around authority and text worship ( aka “bibliolatry”). Because of this, it has the power to lower the threshold on any behavior sanctioned by either a sacred text or a trusted religious leader and is at its most powerful when one is echoed by the other.
As many have pointed out, thousands of Muslim servicemen in the U.S. military shot no-one last week, nor will they unless they find themselves assigned to combat. Similarly, millions of people consume alcohol without insulting, hitting, kicking, stabbing or shooting anyone. Most of us are peaceful drinkers and peaceful believers. Yet, statistically we know that without alcohol assaults would be less common. So too, we all know that when suicide bombings happen, Islam is likely to be involved. And, I would add, when we hear that an obstetrics doctor has been shot or a gay teen beaten and left to die, or a U.S. president has announced a “crusade”, we know that Christianity was likely a part of the mix.
In general, as the gospel writer said, it is far easier to see the mote in our brother’s eye than the log in our own. American culture is bathed in Christianity, and even for most secular Americans, is easy to see Islam’s role in violence while missing the times when Christianity plays the same role. But the rest of the world doesn’t see us through our own rose colored glasses, and under a bare light bulb, American Christianity retains shadows of the inquisitor’s hood and implements of torture.
In recent years, the European and Australian press repeatedly have called attention to horrors being perpetrated in Africa thanks to American missionary dollars, a story that has been slow to get mainstream American press coverage. As Evangelical and Pentecostal Christianity spread across Nigeria and Congo, thousands of children are being beaten or burned or disfigured with acid after being condemned by Christian ministers as “witches.” After all, the American missionaries teach that the Bible is the literally perfect word of God, and the Bible says, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18). When children are condemned by pastors and priests, exposed in the name of Jesus by the Holy Spirit himself, parents abandon them and their villages drive them out. The lucky ones find refuge in shelters. (For photos click here.)
Meanwhile in Uganda, American Evangelicals have helped to advance prison terms and death penalties for African gays. The Family, an American Christian organization with members in congress helped to convert Uganda’s president to their form of politicized Christianity. American activists attended a conference last March aimed at “wiping out” homosexuality. By this fall, a bill had been introduced that would allow the death penalty for gays with AIDS and institute jail time for parents who fail to turn in their homosexual teens. Horrors such as these don’t seem to have abated the flow of salvific dollars, Bibles, and earnest missionaries eager for converts any more than suicide bombings have dried up support for madrasas.
Was the Fort Hood murder spree caused by Islam? Are the African murder sprees caused by Christianity? A yes answer is far too simple. But the fact is that religion in America and around the world continues to disinhibit lethal violence. For us to vilify Muslims or Christians or any group of believers collectively is to engage in the familiar act of cowardice we call scapegoating. It means, ever and always, that we end up sacrificing innocents to appease our own fear, anger and thirst for vengeance. But for us to ignore the complicated role of religion in violence is a different kind of cowardice, one that has been indulged by peace-lovers among the faithful for far too long.
-Valerie TaricoShare
On November 5, a Muslim US army psychiatrist, Nidal Malik Hasan, shot and killed thirteen of his fellow soldiers on the Fort Hood military base, injuring another thirty. In response to the Fort Hood shootings, some people are blaming Islam. Others are saying Islam had nothing to do with it, that the problem is our war of aggression or failure to care for psychologically wounded soldiers. I believe both are wrong.
The relationship of religion to violence is complicated. With the possible exception of Buddhism, the world’s most powerful religions give wildly contradictory messages about violence. The Christian Bible is full of exhortations to kindness, compassion, humility, mercy and justice. It is also full of exhortations to stoning, burning, slavery and slaughter. The same can be said of the Koran. The same can be said of the Torah. Believers who claim that Islam or Christianity or Judaism is a religion of peace are speaking a half truth—and a naive falsehood.
The human inclination toward peacemaking or violence exists on a continuum. Happy, healthy people who are inherently inclined toward peacemaking focus on sacred texts and spiritual practices that encourage peace. Those who are bitter, angry, fearful or prone to self-righteousness are attracted to texts that sanction violence and teachers who encourage the same. People along the middle of this continuum can be drawn in either direction by charismatic religious leaders who selectively focus on one or the other.
Each person’s individual violence risk is shaped by a host of factors: genetics, early learning, health, culture, social networks, life circumstances, and acute triggers. To blame any act of violence on religion is as silly as blaming an act of violence on guns or alcohol. But to deny that religion plays a role is as silly as denying that alcohol and guns play a role. It is to pretend that religions are inert, that our deepest values and beliefs about reality and morality have no impact on our behavior.
From a psychological standpoint, religions often put a god’s name on impulses that have subconscious, pre-verbal roots. They elicit peak experiences like mystic euphoria, dominance, submission, love and joy. They claim credit for the moral emotions (e.g. shame, guilt, disgust and empathy) that incline us toward fair play and altruism, and they direct these emotions toward specific persons or activities. In a similar way, religions elicit and channel protective reactions like anger and fear, the emotions most likely to underlie violence.
What is the role of religion in a tragedy like the Fort Hood shootings? The answer isn’t simple. From the swirl of conjecture and hype is emerging the image of a man who was lonely, who couldn’t quite seem to win at love, and who was profoundly troubled by the horror stories brought home by his soldier clients. Do therapists experience vicarious trauma? Absolutely. Does this trauma put their own mental health at risk? Absolutely. Many of them deal with this risk by seeking professional consultation, asking for support from loving family and friends, and limiting the number of post-traumatic clients that they see. It appears that Hasan made at least tentative attempts in several of these directions. But primarily he turned to forms of Islam that only deepened his sense of alienation and anger. In what must have been an anguishing conflict of loyalties, piety helped him to resolve the conflict in favor of co-religionists over compatriots. Ultimately, rage won out—righteous, sanctified rage—which came to matter more than any value he as a healer placed on his own life or the lives of his colleagues and clients.
I would argue that, like alcohol, religion disinhibits violence rather than causing it, and that it does so only when other factors have created conditions favorable toward aggression. I might also argue that under better circumstances religion disinhibits generosity and compassion increasing prosocial behavior. Religion often is centered around authority and text worship ( aka “bibliolatry”). Because of this, it has the power to lower the threshold on any behavior sanctioned by either a sacred text or a trusted religious leader and is at its most powerful when one is echoed by the other.
As many have pointed out, thousands of Muslim servicemen in the U.S. military shot no-one last week, nor will they unless they find themselves assigned to combat. Similarly, millions of people consume alcohol without insulting, hitting, kicking, stabbing or shooting anyone. Most of us are peaceful drinkers and peaceful believers. Yet, statistically we know that without alcohol assaults would be less common. So too, we all know that when suicide bombings happen, Islam is likely to be involved. And, I would add, when we hear that an obstetrics doctor has been shot or a gay teen beaten and left to die, or a U.S. president has announced a “crusade”, we know that Christianity was likely a part of the mix.
In general, as the gospel writer said, it is far easier to see the mote in our brother’s eye than the log in our own. American culture is bathed in Christianity, and even for most secular Americans, is easy to see Islam’s role in violence while missing the times when Christianity plays the same role. But the rest of the world doesn’t see us through our own rose colored glasses, and under a bare light bulb, American Christianity retains shadows of the inquisitor’s hood and implements of torture.
In recent years, the European and Australian press repeatedly have called attention to horrors being perpetrated in Africa thanks to American missionary dollars, a story that has been slow to get mainstream American press coverage. As Evangelical and Pentecostal Christianity spread across Nigeria and Congo, thousands of children are being beaten or burned or disfigured with acid after being condemned by Christian ministers as “witches.” After all, the American missionaries teach that the Bible is the literally perfect word of God, and the Bible says, “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18). When children are condemned by pastors and priests, exposed in the name of Jesus by the Holy Spirit himself, parents abandon them and their villages drive them out. The lucky ones find refuge in shelters. (For photos click here.)
Meanwhile in Uganda, American Evangelicals have helped to advance prison terms and death penalties for African gays. The Family, an American Christian organization with members in congress helped to convert Uganda’s president to their form of politicized Christianity. American activists attended a conference last March aimed at “wiping out” homosexuality. By this fall, a bill had been introduced that would allow the death penalty for gays with AIDS and institute jail time for parents who fail to turn in their homosexual teens. Horrors such as these don’t seem to have abated the flow of salvific dollars, Bibles, and earnest missionaries eager for converts any more than suicide bombings have dried up support for madrasas.
Was the Fort Hood murder spree caused by Islam? Are the African murder sprees caused by Christianity? A yes answer is far too simple. But the fact is that religion in America and around the world continues to disinhibit lethal violence. For us to vilify Muslims or Christians or any group of believers collectively is to engage in the familiar act of cowardice we call scapegoating. It means, ever and always, that we end up sacrificing innocents to appease our own fear, anger and thirst for vengeance. But for us to ignore the complicated role of religion in violence is a different kind of cowardice, one that has been indulged by peace-lovers among the faithful for far too long.
-Valerie TaricoShare
Monday, November 23, 2009
Always Feeling Different
I went to a Hot Buttered Rum concert Saturday night with a dear fried. We met for a drink first and had a great talk.
During the concert, we noted all the differences between people. Most of the people there were hippie-like. Many had dreadlocks. There was a lot of pot floating around the room. My friend and I didn't fit into that classification, so even when we tried to be friendly with the people around us, it wasn't that effective. But despite the fact that we looked like no one there and people for the most part blocked us out, I felt the music with my soul, enjoyed it from my very being, and had a wonderful evening.
Fat, thin. Rich, poor, or middle class. Black, white, Asian, hispanic. Republican or Democrat. Liberal or conservative. Christian, Muslim, Jew....
It occured to me during the concert that I feel that I don't quite fit in with anyone. I also thought about the way we classify ourselves into groups, and someone like me who is a mix of all different things never quite fits in anywhere.
Earlier the day I was at a financial meeting at the Muslim school. I was the only American there, the only convert and the only woman not covering her hair. I was in a group of mostly much older men, from Yemen, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Palestine, I believe - and one woman from Egypt. I started out feeling a little uncomfortable and out of place. Several of the men had PhD's. They were all more "devout" than I. But as the meeting went on, and I started to speak, I began to feel more comfortable. I have been thinking of the last line of the Audre Lorde poem, A Litany for Survival - "So it is better to speak remembering, we were never meant to survive."
It occured to me that speaking is often the only way you can break barriers. People make assumptions about you based on your appearance - what you wear, your jewelry, your car, all of these things that are really unimportant are still what shows first. My devotion to the school and to Islam are absolute. I perhaps don't look that way on the outside, but in my heart I love that school and I am so happy to see it succeed the way it has.
On a side note, we had a Human Rights Art Contest in the area, where the students drew beautiful pictures about their ideas for human rights. 4 of the 5 awards went to students at the Muslim school. One of my favorites is posted above, and was drawn by a First Grader.
I have been arguing with several of my friends lately about religion and politics. I am on the very liberal side of the spectrum with nearly everything. Many of my friends prefer Sarah Palin, George W. and Dick Cheney. There seems to be no agreement on anything, and part of me is just tired of the argument. I have no hopes to change anyone, and I hope no one plans to change me. I am stubborn as hell.
Several of my friends feel like Islam is a "dangerous" religion. We talked about that after our group meeting. One of the elder men in the group, a very successful doctor, spoke about the threat of fundamentalist Muslims to mainstream and liberal Muslims like ourselves. People in general, are not able to differentiate between the two. He feels that the Fort Hood shooting is going to be more detrimental to Muslims in this country than 9-11. I'm in an interesting spot because I don't cover my hair and I am an American. People never expect me to be a Muslim, so I hear it all. I also consider myself a Christian too, and attend church fairly reguarly. I don't see that there is any conflict in that - at least not for me. I wish that we could come to a place where we all tried to understand each other instead of looking for the differences.
"I came to the conclusion long ago … that all religions were true and also that all had some error in them, and whilst I hold by my own, I should hold others as dear as Hinduism. So we can only pray, if we are Hindus, not that a Christian should become a Hindu … But our innermost prayer should be a Hindu should be a better Hindu, a Muslim a better Muslim, a Christian a better Christian."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Monday, September 28, 2009
A Year in Alanon
I committed to attend 6 months worth of Alanon meetings while I was at Family Week at Betty Ford. I committed to myself that I would go for a year.
I do not think I will continue to go back on a weekly basis, as it seems time is short now that I am a single working mother. But I haven't ruled it out on an as-needed basis.
The literature in particular has been very helpful to me. Several of the slogans are also great.
"Life on life's terms."
"Take what you like - leave the rest!"
"Life is a package deal."
"The three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it."
What I think was the most helpful to me was attending week after week and seeing patterns. It seems both the alcoholic (sober or not) and the co-dependent have marked personality traits.
I saw the same people come to the meeting week after week. Some people got better, and others did not. Many people cried or complained every week about the same thing. The one thing I really noticed is while, recovery for the co-dependent is mostly about the co-dependent getting better, people who stayed in relationship with the alcoholic never seemed to get all that better. The same frustrations kept surfacing, even though they perhaps had better tools to deal with them.
It's easy to say just leave the alcoholic in your life. This is probably easier when it is your spouse, than when the addict is your parent or your child. But honestly, I did not see as much recovery for people who chose to stay with the alcoholic, sober or not. I saw a lot of recovery from the people who chose to leave.
I saw a lot of generational abuse of alcohol and drugs. My own thoughts after listening to a lot of this is that children model the behavior of their parents. I did see some interesting research about genetics while I was at Betty Ford. But overall, after being around this for the last 7-8 years with my husband and being at Alanon meetings, I have to say that I think that this is learned behavior, mostly.
The saddest thing I saw was people who had children who were addicts. Sadder still were people who had lost these children. I did not see anyone fully recover from that. That is one reason I really firmed my resolve for my own children. I know this is a touchy subject, but I do believe there are things you can do that at least help your children become less at risk for this "disease." I'd like to research that more fully. But I do think I heard a lot of people talk about their lives and their regrets over the course of a year and there are things I have filed in my head.
One thing I really liked about Alanon is that no one is supposed to tell you what to do. I think this really helps because oftentimes when someone tells you what to do, you want to do the exact opposite. I think listening to people week after week really helped me develop my own informed opinion about what would work best for me in my own life.
Overall, I am very grateful for this program. I think it has been a good use of my time. I will say though that I believe in the law of attraction. That is, your life becomes more of what you focus on.
And I am tired of focusing on the alcoholic in my life. I am ready to focus on the positive aspects. I believe I have learned more of what has brought me into that relationship through Alanon, other reading, counseling and introspection.
I have noticed that several of the people I know who had serious drug and alcohol problems and then completely moved away from that and DID NOT retain the typical dry drunk characteristics that you usually see did not ever attend AA meetings. They used either church or Islam for their recovery. That is something else I would like to further look into, with Alanon as well. I have said this before, but I think after all these years, there should be more than just AA and Alanon, or at least more progress within those groups.
There are still far too many serious consequences to alcoholism and addiction for us to not begin to take this more seriously.
I do not think I will continue to go back on a weekly basis, as it seems time is short now that I am a single working mother. But I haven't ruled it out on an as-needed basis.
The literature in particular has been very helpful to me. Several of the slogans are also great.
"Life on life's terms."
"Take what you like - leave the rest!"
"Life is a package deal."
"The three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it."
What I think was the most helpful to me was attending week after week and seeing patterns. It seems both the alcoholic (sober or not) and the co-dependent have marked personality traits.
I saw the same people come to the meeting week after week. Some people got better, and others did not. Many people cried or complained every week about the same thing. The one thing I really noticed is while, recovery for the co-dependent is mostly about the co-dependent getting better, people who stayed in relationship with the alcoholic never seemed to get all that better. The same frustrations kept surfacing, even though they perhaps had better tools to deal with them.
It's easy to say just leave the alcoholic in your life. This is probably easier when it is your spouse, than when the addict is your parent or your child. But honestly, I did not see as much recovery for people who chose to stay with the alcoholic, sober or not. I saw a lot of recovery from the people who chose to leave.
I saw a lot of generational abuse of alcohol and drugs. My own thoughts after listening to a lot of this is that children model the behavior of their parents. I did see some interesting research about genetics while I was at Betty Ford. But overall, after being around this for the last 7-8 years with my husband and being at Alanon meetings, I have to say that I think that this is learned behavior, mostly.
The saddest thing I saw was people who had children who were addicts. Sadder still were people who had lost these children. I did not see anyone fully recover from that. That is one reason I really firmed my resolve for my own children. I know this is a touchy subject, but I do believe there are things you can do that at least help your children become less at risk for this "disease." I'd like to research that more fully. But I do think I heard a lot of people talk about their lives and their regrets over the course of a year and there are things I have filed in my head.
One thing I really liked about Alanon is that no one is supposed to tell you what to do. I think this really helps because oftentimes when someone tells you what to do, you want to do the exact opposite. I think listening to people week after week really helped me develop my own informed opinion about what would work best for me in my own life.
Overall, I am very grateful for this program. I think it has been a good use of my time. I will say though that I believe in the law of attraction. That is, your life becomes more of what you focus on.
And I am tired of focusing on the alcoholic in my life. I am ready to focus on the positive aspects. I believe I have learned more of what has brought me into that relationship through Alanon, other reading, counseling and introspection.
I have noticed that several of the people I know who had serious drug and alcohol problems and then completely moved away from that and DID NOT retain the typical dry drunk characteristics that you usually see did not ever attend AA meetings. They used either church or Islam for their recovery. That is something else I would like to further look into, with Alanon as well. I have said this before, but I think after all these years, there should be more than just AA and Alanon, or at least more progress within those groups.
There are still far too many serious consequences to alcoholism and addiction for us to not begin to take this more seriously.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
His Eye is on the Sparrow
I love hymns, and this one has always been especially comforting to me. Every time I think things are pretty dismal, somehow everything seems to work out just fine.
Why should I feel discouraged
and why should the shadows come
why should my heart feel lonely
and long for heaven and home
when Jesus is my portion
a constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches over me
I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches me
He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches
I know He watches,
I know He watches me.
I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the the sparrow
and I know He watches me
He watches me
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know he watches me
He watches me
He watches me
I know He watches me
Deniese Williams sings it beautifully:
http://www.imeem.com/dreil01/music/P7Ypc1Tn/deniece-williams-his-eye-is-on-the-sparrow/
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Ramadan Karim
Ramadan has begun so I thought I would reflect on a few of my goals for the month.
Last year I was not able to fast the full time because of migraines and blood sugar issues. I was very underweight so I am hoping this year will be better. I want to try to fast a much as possible because this is an important aspect of the month. The idea is to really feel empathy for those who are truly unable to eat because of their financial restrictions. And you can't really feel this without experiencing it yourself.
I also want to focus on my diet. I am very lax about eating pork lately. I used to follow this dietary restriction (similar to Jewish laws) but I have just been lazy. So no pork and no alcohol. Both of these should be very good for me. Another aspect of Ramadan is to clean out your body. I always feel great when the month is over.
I hope to read the entire Koran again and get back to my prayers. I pray in my head a lot, but I have not been doing the traditional Muslim prayers, which are beautiful. I have heard it said that in Christianity, prayer is about getting your needs met and in Islam it is about worshiping God. I find this very true and I think I can say that as a Christian-Muslim. There are beautiful aspects of both faiths and I am very grateful to be a part of both.
I also want to spend time with other Muslim families. At night I'd like to make some special dinners for my kids and other guests. This is a wonderful time to reconnect with some people who are very special to me.
Lastly, I am really hoping to refrain from arguing with my husband. This is a huge drain on me. When you show hatred or contempt, you break your fast. The traditional response when someone tries to bait you during Ramadan is to say "I am fasting". As many times as it takes for the person to leave you alone.
I am really struggling to both speak my truth and be as kind as possible. It is difficult when my husband is constantly reading my blog. But I have challenged myself to do it anyway. I will try to stay on the positive side this month. My nerves are shot and there is no money in the bank. So perhaps this will be the most trying test for me.
The following appeared on Boston.com:
Headline: Observing Ramadan
Date: Aug 22, 2009
"Muslim faithful throughout the world are currently observing the holy month of Ramadan. Observant Muslims participate in fasting (sawm), one of the five pillars of their faith, this entire Lunar month (this year it extends from September 1st to the 30th). Eating, drinking, smoking and sexual activity is prohibited from dawn until sunset, when the fast is broken with the evening meal called Iftar. Local customs define varying traditions, including differing types of food used to break the daily fast. The fasting is meant to teach a person patience, humility and sacrifice, to set aside time to ask forgiveness, practice self-restraint, and pray for guidance in the future."
____________________________________________________________
To see this recommendation, click on the link below or cut and paste it
into a Web browser:
The picture above is from this site and there are many other beautiful pictures featured here showing Muslims during Ramadan around the world.
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/09/observing_ramadan.html?s_campaign=8315
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Guide My Path
Whenever I am really stresed, I listen to one of my dad's CD's. This is a song he wrote in the 70s that I grew up listening to, and I like what it has to say.
"Guide My Path"
I stand in all my weakness, asking for your strength
And with my many problems, I ask You for your grace
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
When my load is heavy, won’t you lighten it for me
And when I go astray from you, Lord help me to see
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
When my life is over, I hope it can be said
I did my best to live as you, knowing for me you bled
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
"Guide My Path"
I stand in all my weakness, asking for your strength
And with my many problems, I ask You for your grace
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
When my load is heavy, won’t you lighten it for me
And when I go astray from you, Lord help me to see
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
When my life is over, I hope it can be said
I did my best to live as you, knowing for me you bled
Lord show me what’s right. Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands, guide me on my way
Monday, July 20, 2009
Prayer Flags
We headed to church yesterday after a few weeks off from our beach and camping trips. I'm very glad we did because we had a special service where we all created prayer flags.
They team up all the kids with elderly people in the church so they all have a special friend called a Grand-Friend. My son's Grand-Friend was out of town, so they teamed him up with another woman. My daughter is too young for this program, so we went to sit with them and we made our flags. She was a lovely woman who had recently moved here with her husband from the Bay Area. We had a very nice talk about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and many, many books. I have just finished re-reading A Farewell to Arms, and I had forgotten how good (and funny and sad) parts of it were. There were also a lot of good quotes on war. "There is a class that controls a country that is stupid and does not realize anything and never can. That is why we have this war."
We talked about the book and some of the other books I have for the kids, one being Why War is Never a Good Idea by Alice Walker. She has grandkids so she wanted to check them out.
She did a flag for peace. My son did two flags. One said, "Dear God, thank you for the Earth and for food." The other read, "Dear God, thank you for our bodies and fun."
My daughter scribbled on three and asked me to write "Daddy" on them.
Afterwards we put all the flags together on a long string and hung them up outside. We said a special prayer together and went back into the sanctuary to finish the service.
We took a look at the vegetable garden and could not believe how big some of them had gotten! The cucumbers were enormous! It is looking more and more like a real garden. The vegetable garden is a project the kids have worked on to benefit the food bank at our church.
My dad came over to take my son on a bike ride, and my daughter and I had a quiet afternoon.
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I have not been sleeping well, so I don't think that's been helping. Sometimes I can just forget about everything and enjoy my life in spite of it, and other days everything just hits me hard.
When we talked about the different kinds of prayer in church, all the kids said what they did when they prayed. Most of them talked about praying with their fathers. Somehow that just hit me. I have a lot of memories of praying with my dad. We always said grace before meals and he came and said a prayer with me every night before bed. It just made me really sad.
The kids had wanted to call their dad in the morning, but he didn't answer. They tried a few times and then I sent him a text letting him know they were trying to call him. No response all day. I texted him again in the early evening and was like, are you planning to talk to your kids today? Finally he called around 7 and couldn't understand why I wasn't thrilled. I told him it wasn't just not talking to him today, they hadn't seen him all week. He started with the excuses, and I told him that he didn't see them break down over it and he had no idea what it was like. He said I need to be more supportive of him. I told him I was as supportive of him as I could be right now. He's still in San Francisco with his friends.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The rest of the story...
So, I didn't finish my story...
When my father-in-law sent me the email, my husband sent him a very nice email back. I sent him a curt reply back about how I thought this might be the case after some of our previous dealings so I had made alternative arrangements at the Muslim School.
One of the things I have not mentioned previously is that I am of mixed religions. I was born into a Christian family, and then my first marriage was to a Muslim man. After many years of atheism and giving up on my faith altogether, I converted to Islam several years into our marriage. (More on this later).
But then as time progressed, I felt myself drawn back into the Christian fold, albeit the more liberal one. So, I have made peace with my odd religious "classifications" and have ties to both the Christian and Muslim communities.
In any case, the Muslim school in our city is in my opinion, one of the finer schools. The issue is that there are still so many stereotypes with the Muslim religion and that many people are still scared of it. Especially after 911. Including my father-in-law.
I think he is one of the many people who are uncomfortable with my lack of religious classification. Not that he is particularly religious himself. It would just make him feel a lot better if I were something more "safe" like a Christian, Catholic or Jew.
I get that sentiment a lot.
So I digress....
That was weeks ago, and I did not receive any sort of reply back from my father-in-law, which is fairly typical.
One morning, we both receive another email stating that he just wants to check in about schools, following up on my last email about the Muslim School.
He basically says he is still willing to pay for another Christian School as long as he chooses it.
I tell him, "No thank you."
He responds back that it looks like I have a new iPhone and that we shouldn't forget our other obligations when we have extra money.
This statement is ludicrous to me!
First of all, we don't have any extra money. Second of all, my blackberry, which I need for work, died. I took over my husband's old iPhone, which I happen to hate, so I don't have to buy a new phone.
Lastly, it is really none of his business.
He and my husband have an arrangement. I am not in that arrangement. My husband chose not to work for a year. I have been working my ass off pretty much since I was 8-years-old. I certainly have been working over-time since my son was born 6 years ago. I have been working and taking care of two children, at the expense of his grandchildren and more than anyone else, myself. I have headaches every day, and migraines at least 10 days out of the month. How he can live with that fact, I do not know.
My father-in-law and my husband have a secret arrangement that they will not discuss with me. I am always left out of their private financial details. Whenever I do press, I am always given different information, and it is often conflicting.
I have never asked my father-in-law for a dime, and I certainly have never received any money directly from him.
As far as I know, he would be happy to let me sit out on the street and prostitute myself out.
This is the last communication I have had with my father-in-law for a while now. This is sorta how our relationship goes. You get the gist.
But after thinking about it, my husband and I decided to stick with our decision and send him to OES on our own dime. It will be a stretch for us, but at least it will be in our hands in not up to the whims of my father-in-law.
When my father-in-law sent me the email, my husband sent him a very nice email back. I sent him a curt reply back about how I thought this might be the case after some of our previous dealings so I had made alternative arrangements at the Muslim School.
One of the things I have not mentioned previously is that I am of mixed religions. I was born into a Christian family, and then my first marriage was to a Muslim man. After many years of atheism and giving up on my faith altogether, I converted to Islam several years into our marriage. (More on this later).
But then as time progressed, I felt myself drawn back into the Christian fold, albeit the more liberal one. So, I have made peace with my odd religious "classifications" and have ties to both the Christian and Muslim communities.
In any case, the Muslim school in our city is in my opinion, one of the finer schools. The issue is that there are still so many stereotypes with the Muslim religion and that many people are still scared of it. Especially after 911. Including my father-in-law.
I think he is one of the many people who are uncomfortable with my lack of religious classification. Not that he is particularly religious himself. It would just make him feel a lot better if I were something more "safe" like a Christian, Catholic or Jew.
I get that sentiment a lot.
So I digress....
That was weeks ago, and I did not receive any sort of reply back from my father-in-law, which is fairly typical.
One morning, we both receive another email stating that he just wants to check in about schools, following up on my last email about the Muslim School.
He basically says he is still willing to pay for another Christian School as long as he chooses it.
I tell him, "No thank you."
He responds back that it looks like I have a new iPhone and that we shouldn't forget our other obligations when we have extra money.
This statement is ludicrous to me!
First of all, we don't have any extra money. Second of all, my blackberry, which I need for work, died. I took over my husband's old iPhone, which I happen to hate, so I don't have to buy a new phone.
Lastly, it is really none of his business.
He and my husband have an arrangement. I am not in that arrangement. My husband chose not to work for a year. I have been working my ass off pretty much since I was 8-years-old. I certainly have been working over-time since my son was born 6 years ago. I have been working and taking care of two children, at the expense of his grandchildren and more than anyone else, myself. I have headaches every day, and migraines at least 10 days out of the month. How he can live with that fact, I do not know.
My father-in-law and my husband have a secret arrangement that they will not discuss with me. I am always left out of their private financial details. Whenever I do press, I am always given different information, and it is often conflicting.
I have never asked my father-in-law for a dime, and I certainly have never received any money directly from him.
As far as I know, he would be happy to let me sit out on the street and prostitute myself out.
This is the last communication I have had with my father-in-law for a while now. This is sorta how our relationship goes. You get the gist.
But after thinking about it, my husband and I decided to stick with our decision and send him to OES on our own dime. It will be a stretch for us, but at least it will be in our hands in not up to the whims of my father-in-law.
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