Thursday, February 25, 2010
This is not a happy day for me.
Last night, I was checking my Facebook account when I saw something pop up that two of my friends had been tagged in a picture. Usually I wouldn't probably have taken notice, but for whatever it intrigued me and I clicked on the link.
The picture was of my husband and one of his "friend" both with a glass of wine in their hands. My husband's eyes look messed up. It occurred to me that while I drink, you would be hard-pressed to find a picture of me where my eyes look like this.
There have been so many signs of my husband's drinking - for months, if not years.
I have always been made out to be the "crazy" one. My husband always denies everything. I have smelled alcohol on his breath, he is late, the finances are a mess, he doesn't show up for things....
All the signs have been there. But to see this picture, was just a hard slap in the face. I felt like I had been knocked down to my knees.
The picture was taken last July, weeks after our camping trip with his AA group. This is significant because my husband has been announcing his AA sobriety birthday as January of 2009. Obviously, that is not the case.
At first, I felt somewhat vindicated. The reason for our separation last May was because he did not come home all night long. A few weeks after that, he missed our daughter's 3rd birthday entirely.
I told his family that I thought he was drinking and gave them my reasons why. That birthday party was actually the last day I saw his aunt alive. She was clearly upset. But later, his dad sided with my husband, and I suppose the rest of the family did too.
My father-in-law told me, maybe if you were nicer to your husband, he would come home more often.
It occurred to me last night to send this picture off to my father-in-law, but I have come to realize he can not help me anymore.
All these years, he has disabled him. My father-in-law has too much vested in believing that his son is right, and I am wrong.
It really saddens me that after all of these rehabs, AA and everything else that my husband is still not sober. I have always rooted for him, even if I was not able to stand by him anymore. I have been angry, so angry - but now I am just sad.
This is my children's father. And whatever pain he has caused me, there is no way that I can replace their daddy.