Exhausted

Caring for my grandmother has been exhausting, but fulfilling work. I am very grateful for the time that we have had. Someone remarked to me at church today that I am such an amazing granddaughter, then she paused and said, I suppose there is a reason for that. I smiled and told her yes, my grandma had been the most amazing grandma in the world.

Things are going relatively well, but my husband has started up on things again. I asked him yesterday how many times he wanted to keep going over all of this.

It seems like he is constantly going over the same things over and over. And he just still doesn't seem to get it.

I want this time with my grandma. He is offended that I am not coming to him for emotional support. He has been making a lot of insinuations that I must be getting my needs met elsewhere.

It is always about him. He even manages to twist this into him being the victim.

All I want him to do is to keep his promises and obligations to this family. I know better than to look to him for emotional support. I am pretty clear at this point in my life exactly who I can count on that from, and who is incapable of giving it.

He has started blaming me for the divorce and is trying to make me feel bad for wanting this. He thinks staying together would be "better for our children." I told him, he was entitled to his opinion, but I don't share it. He continued to argue with me about it and I told him I was done talking about it. We will never come to terms on this.

For someone who keeps saying he is so concerned for me right now, I don't know why he continually has to bring up all this old garbage. In my mind, it was processed and decided a long time ago. I am doing my best not to blame him or hold on to resentment. But these silly arguments make that continually difficult.

Not You

“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you.”

-Jim Rohn

Am I a Horrible Person?

Several things from the argument are haunting me.

My husband told me numerous times that I am "a horrible person."

I know this is not true and I don't know anyone else who would say such a thing to me, but it is still bothering me. Who is this man, who says he wants to be my husband, to tell me something like that?

What have I done to make me horrible?

If you want to compare, I think he would come up to be the horrible one. But do I tell him that? No.

The other thing is that he kept saying that everyone keeps telling him that I don't love him and that he's a fool.

Who would tell him something like that? Is that really productive?

The only person I can think of is his father- who has been married 4 times. And honestly, that pisses me off. That dysfunctional piece of shit is always interfering in our life. I don't know that anyone has ever truly loved him. It's all about his money. There is no honest love, especially when you have been married 4 times. It's not like meeting someone when you're young and becoming successful together. He distrusts everyone and he probably should. Especially when you are an asshole with money, you always have to worry about what people really want from you. It's not like people would put up with him if he didn't have any money.

How do you measure someone else's love? How is that for anyone to say - especially anyone who has not walked in my shoes these last 7 years. Who can blame me for not feeling love-y all the time?

I asked him about this again this morning and he said if you're really in love with someone you just go with it and make it work regardless of what has happened. Well, I have done that - numerous times. That time is over for me. Perhaps things will change and over time I will feel differently - but right now I don't.

I think that's one big downside of AA. People start to think that their behavior and their families are normal, and they are not. Most families don't behave like this. I think alcoholics should judge themselves by the standards that the rest of us have to live by.

The Country Club

My husband and I often meet at our Club to discuss personal matters. I'm sure that is not the norm there because I often hear people listening in, but I'm at the point where I just don't give a shit.

There is nothing right in our relationship.

Nothing.

We argued and argued. There is childcare upstairs, and our kids love to go there, so we could argue to our hearts content.

At one point he asked me, how much have you been drinking? I started laughing. That is so ironic. The one who has been in rehab since he was 15, trying to point his finger at me like I had the problem. It's always been that way with him. When there is a problem, it is me. Me, who has been here from day one, fixing his fuck-ups.

I had had a few glasses of wine. And I told him, I am here. I have been here, waiting for you to fix what you have broken. And I hope that you prove me wrong. But until you actually DO what you say you have been saying you will do, there is NOTHING left to talk about.

Things rambled on to the point where I started talking about my dad.

I told him, I never asked you for much. I never asked for anything fancy. When I was growing up my dad worked hard. Very hard. And we didn't have everything, but we had everything we needed.

I broke off saying, You are not a man...you are not a man...you are not a man.

He got up and walked away.

What a "man".

I finished my wine and then rushed off after him. He had the keys and I was scared he would take the kids.

On the way home we listened to Michael Jackson. My kids have become big fans. After he died, I put on some old videos and they were instant hits. Now we have MJ playing nonstop in the car.

Billie Jean came on and I told him, this is the perfect song for you. He became even more angry. I reminded him of how he asked me if our son was his. He tried to deny it and I told him, that's why it hurts. The truth always hurts.

I told him, I should have run. I should have done my own thing. He became more and more angry. He told me to stop talking in front of the kids and I told him it was a mute point. Our daughter was asleep and we have a Suburban - so our son was in the far back-seat and the music was blaring and he couldn't hear anything. (And, it is funny how he uses that excuse when it is convenient for him, and doesn't hold true to it when he wants to call me names.)

We got to the other women and he started accusing me of other men. I told him, that is the difference between you and me. You say you have regrets, but I have none. Inside I realized that was not true. I wish I had not married him. I wish so many things. But at this point it doesn't matter.

Regrets mean nothing.

I remember my great-grandmother telling me when I became pregnant with my son that if you don't have regrets you have not lived.


I will never regret my son.

But I regret a lot of other things around my husband.

But I have learned. Painfully. I have learned. And the biggest lesson is that promises mean nothing. It is action. Action is the only thing that counts. And that has been my biggest mistake in life. I have listened to too many pretty words.

And look at my dad: he never talks. I don't recall a promise he has ever made me. But he is the biggest do-er of a man I have ever met.

Fighting and Arguments

I have been fighting a lot with my husband. I feel tired and moody. He came over last night with dinner and it all went fairly well, but then he groped my ass. I really, really hate that. I have told him that a million times. Even when we were happy I hated it. It reminds me of the sloppy moves of a 12-year-old boy. He was all offended, so I asked him, If I licked your face like a dog every time I saw you and you told me you hated it but I kept doing it anyway, would you like that?

He told me that I don't give him credit for all he has done for our family.

I asked him, If you built the most beautiful castle in the world for us, but then destroyed it, would it matter how beautiful the castle was?

Getting Even

It seems like my husband and I aren’t able to get along anymore even while separated. I am angry that he is not keeping his word regarding our financial commitments. The stress of that, keeping a job and a house up and taking care of two children 24-hours a day who are in a more fragile emotional state is a lot to manage – even without having to deal with him.

Yesterday, I was trying to get the house cleaned up before we had company over for dinner. I had a million things to do. I was worried he would not show up for my son’s play because of past experience. I had also texted him several times in the morning and I had not heard back from him.

Then when he does finally feel like calling, he wants me to drop everything and visit with him. I told him I was busy. He didn’t like my tone with him, so he hung up the phone on me. I was outraged. He sent me a text after and said, “Now we’re even.”

Even?

We will never be even.

The fact that you could even say that is laughable.

Maybe if I went to rehab for 150 days and still pulled the same shit.

Maybe if I didn't come home all night – night after night.

Maybe if shit and peed all over you and just expected you to forgive me again and again and again.

Maybe if I no-showed for your grandfather's funeral.

Maybe if I no-showed to any one of our kids events.

But the fact is that I am there. I am here. I have never missed anything. I am the one who does absolutely everything.

And you're right. Marriage counseling is a waste of time. I do hate you. How could I not?