Monday, November 16, 2009

Am I a Horrible Person?

Several things from the argument are haunting me.

My husband told me numerous times that I am "a horrible person."

I know this is not true and I don't know anyone else who would say such a thing to me, but it is still bothering me. Who is this man, who says he wants to be my husband, to tell me something like that?

What have I done to make me horrible?

If you want to compare, I think he would come up to be the horrible one. But do I tell him that? No.

The other thing is that he kept saying that everyone keeps telling him that I don't love him and that he's a fool.

Who would tell him something like that? Is that really productive?

The only person I can think of is his father- who has been married 4 times. And honestly, that pisses me off. That dysfunctional piece of shit is always interfering in our life. I don't know that anyone has ever truly loved him. It's all about his money. There is no honest love, especially when you have been married 4 times. It's not like meeting someone when you're young and becoming successful together. He distrusts everyone and he probably should. Especially when you are an asshole with money, you always have to worry about what people really want from you. It's not like people would put up with him if he didn't have any money.

How do you measure someone else's love? How is that for anyone to say - especially anyone who has not walked in my shoes these last 7 years. Who can blame me for not feeling love-y all the time?

I asked him about this again this morning and he said if you're really in love with someone you just go with it and make it work regardless of what has happened. Well, I have done that - numerous times. That time is over for me. Perhaps things will change and over time I will feel differently - but right now I don't.

I think that's one big downside of AA. People start to think that their behavior and their families are normal, and they are not. Most families don't behave like this. I think alcoholics should judge themselves by the standards that the rest of us have to live by.


  1. You know you aren't a horrible person. He needs to knock you down to his level to "deserve" you.

  2. You are most definitely not a horrible person! He needs to look in the mirror....