Recovery

I went back through all my previous posts, going back over a year, today. It was emotionally draining for me to even read all of it. I considered taking it all down, but decided to leave it up in case anything here might be helpful to someone else in my shoes.

I firmly believe that the only way out of all of this is leaving the dysfunctional relationship behind - as much as possible. In my case, there are children, so my ex will always be somehow involved in my life.

But to live day-to-day as I had been living - even separated - is not conceivable to me any longer.

I don't want to end up like my grandmother, dying too young from cancer, after 36 years married to an alcoholic. She sacrificed herself to him and to her family. Most of her children became addicts. It was the only choice for her in her day, and I ache for her. I ache for all women who have been in relationships with addicts. It is hell. Pure hell.

I spent over a year in Al-Anon and I still read the literature and what not, but I don't believe that is the answer either. I believe 12-step groups are deeply flawed, especially for women, and I will come back to that in a later post.

The thing I saw meeting after meeting for 95% of people is not what I would call recovery. It was recycling the same garbage. Putting up with very poor behavior and then venting about it. Yes, it is an outlet, and yes, it is better than nothing. But after all this time, we need to do better. We need better programs that are progressive and deal with the specific needs of women.

The advice I would give to any woman who asked me what to do if she were in my shoes is to leave the relationship and work on herself. An alcoholic, "recovering" or not, will drain you. (My definition of recovery has completely changed as well over the years - again, for another post).

Recovery for me has meant joy - pure joy. Not repeating meeting lingo or being how someone thinks I should be. I feel that I have finally come home to myself. I believe that I am good and deserve to be happy.

For so long I was scared to leave. But it was the best thing I ever did - for me and my children as far as I am concerned. I am happier than I have been for a long time. I actually have energy to focus on things that I enjoy. I have renewed energy to volunteer, which has also been enormously healing for me. How wonderful to focus on someone that wants your help - that will truly benefit. An alcoholic can only help himself when he is ready.

I am sad for all the tears I shed and wasted energy I spent over the years. But I have learned.

Letting Go

I recently let go of a friendship that was toxic for me. I have known that for years, and have even let go a few times before. But I always came back with forgiveness because it has been a long-standing friendship of 22 years.

In my gut, I knew the friendship was bad. It was completely dysfunctional in almost every way. But it sucked me in - mostly because I have needed a lot of support these last few years with my situation with my husband.

Looking back, I realize that I have leaned on someone who never had my best interest at heart and who often gave me bad information.

It has been a sad week for me of letting go. But ultimately I know that this is for the best.

When you hold on so tightly to the bad, there is no room for the good. Our friendship was a weed that was taking over my life.

Things that BUG me about AA and Al-Anon

My husband has been working the steps. I notice when he works the steps, he is a much nicer person. (Maybe I should work the steps, LOL, I stopped on Step 4!)

In any case, we have been getting along very well for the most part.

However, yesterday I spent several hours on our finances and was in a pissy mood and snapped. He tried to say something to make me feel better and I told him not to give me any of that "AA crap."

I should say that I probably don't have the highest opinion of AA because of my father-in-law being involved with it for over 20 years. For someone who is such an ass, I just don't see how that program really transformed him.

He is sober, but he's still an ass. From what I've heard, he has always been an ass and has never really changed. I do know that many people in the program respect him and say that he has helped them, but I can not see where he has taken that to the outside world. In my opinion, he still treats most people, including his family, like shit.

The problem I have with AA and Al-Anon is that they seem to work great while you are working on them. But the minute you step away, you are back to being the same person. I don't see that they are transformative in a lasting way. It seems like something where you are constantly having to attend meetings to reinforce behavior. And honestly, the slogans bug me.

The slogans in and of themselves are great. There are a lot of truths to what is said. But my issue is that people seem to use these as band aids when someone has a problem, instead of saying something more heartfelt and fitting to the occasion. It reminds me of Christians I know that become so indoctrinated that they never actually speak their own words anymore - they simply spat Bible verses at you for whatever your particular problem might be at the moment.

So while this may be an improvement for some people, I am just not fond of robots. I like people who are free thinkers. Perhaps that is just to ingrained in my personality - I take a little of this, and a little of that and mix it all together and use what works. (Which I suppose you can also use an Al-Anon slogan for that - "Take what works, leave the rest.")

I worry that although my husband and I get along well while he is working his program (and he is in all regards now: sponsor, meetings and steps). But, what will happen when this stops or the intensity dies down? Because inevitably, it will. I have been around the ups and downs of drunkenness, sobriety, relapse and redemption all too many times over the last 8 years.

I suppose my issue with AA and Al-Anon is that I think there should be more. Nothing has changed in 50 years, and we know a lot more about addiction and co-dependency now than we did at the start of these programs. I also think that people in AA start to think that their behavior is normal, and it's not to most people.

I remember the Fourth Wife telling me that she thinks all families are dysfunctional. She said something to the effect that some people try to pretend like theirs aren't but they all are.

I couldn't disagree more. No family is perfect, that's for sure. But to say all families are dysfunctional seems like a complete stretch - and a fabrication to make herself feel better.

I think there should be more integration between AA and Al-Anon - and I think we should be more integrated within society as a whole. There is still this secrecy around addiction that keeps it more dysfunctional.