Recovery

I went back through all my previous posts, going back over a year, today. It was emotionally draining for me to even read all of it. I considered taking it all down, but decided to leave it up in case anything here might be helpful to someone else in my shoes.

I firmly believe that the only way out of all of this is leaving the dysfunctional relationship behind - as much as possible. In my case, there are children, so my ex will always be somehow involved in my life.

But to live day-to-day as I had been living - even separated - is not conceivable to me any longer.

I don't want to end up like my grandmother, dying too young from cancer, after 36 years married to an alcoholic. She sacrificed herself to him and to her family. Most of her children became addicts. It was the only choice for her in her day, and I ache for her. I ache for all women who have been in relationships with addicts. It is hell. Pure hell.

I spent over a year in Al-Anon and I still read the literature and what not, but I don't believe that is the answer either. I believe 12-step groups are deeply flawed, especially for women, and I will come back to that in a later post.

The thing I saw meeting after meeting for 95% of people is not what I would call recovery. It was recycling the same garbage. Putting up with very poor behavior and then venting about it. Yes, it is an outlet, and yes, it is better than nothing. But after all this time, we need to do better. We need better programs that are progressive and deal with the specific needs of women.

The advice I would give to any woman who asked me what to do if she were in my shoes is to leave the relationship and work on herself. An alcoholic, "recovering" or not, will drain you. (My definition of recovery has completely changed as well over the years - again, for another post).

Recovery for me has meant joy - pure joy. Not repeating meeting lingo or being how someone thinks I should be. I feel that I have finally come home to myself. I believe that I am good and deserve to be happy.

For so long I was scared to leave. But it was the best thing I ever did - for me and my children as far as I am concerned. I am happier than I have been for a long time. I actually have energy to focus on things that I enjoy. I have renewed energy to volunteer, which has also been enormously healing for me. How wonderful to focus on someone that wants your help - that will truly benefit. An alcoholic can only help himself when he is ready.

I am sad for all the tears I shed and wasted energy I spent over the years. But I have learned.