AWOL

I rear ended someone yesterday with both my kids in the car on the way to school. Luckily, he was a very kind man. He was more worried about how my kids were doing than the damage I did to his car. For all my complaining about my enormous Suburban, that car is a tank. There was very little damage to my car whatsoever. His, on the other hand, looked pretty bad.

It turned out that the man was a Muslim from Jordan, so we had a nice visit in the midst of everything.

The kids and I were all pretty shaken up. They hadn't been in any sort of accident with me - and I haven't been in an accident for probably 15 years. So much for my perfect driving record!

But at least I have insurance and it shouldn't be a major deal.

I tried to get ahold of my husband afterward and couldn't reach him most of the day. I started to panic. As the day wore on and I didn't hear back from my texts, emails and phone calls, I imagined that he must be in jail or dead. I started swirling around in my head.

Luckily I had lunch with a great old friend and she kept me grounded. After that, I started swirling again on the way to meet my sister. I almost called my father-in-law several times, but stopped myself. There is nothing he can help me with.

I asked my sister anyway whether she thought I should call my father-in-law and she practically laughed and shouted NO!!! No contact with him ever!!!

She is right. But there are situations like that where I feel so desperate I would do almost anything. It made me realize that I still have a lot of healing to do around this. If I ever am to get in another relationship (which seems doubtful at this point!) I am going to have to deal with this. Even for my own sake and that of my children when they are grown - it is just too hard to go down that road. And, I have been here enough times I should know that. But when my husband is AWOL, even now, my mind goes to the worst possible place.