Monday, November 16, 2009
I didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend and my head feels jumbled up. Saturday, my husband took my son to a college football game. I worried about that for a weeks. For one, I have heard there is heavy drinking at these games, and I worry about putting my son in the car afterwards to drive 2 hours home. Secondly, I am still not feeling completely confident in my husband's sobriety.
But one of my best friends spent the time texting with me on Saturday and I worked through some of my fears - at least enough to let him go. I suppose I can't protect my children from everything, but I am still a very cautious person. I stayed up late waiting for them to come home. Then I couldn't sleep.
I am still disturbed about the argument I had with my husband on Friday night. It's easier for him to just pretend like nothing happened and move on with our life. For me, I feel like maybe we are just always going to end up in that spot. And I'm tired of that spot.
I feel very conflicted over the "needs" of my children versus my own happiness. Sometimes I wonder what is the best thing for them and if I am even capable of making a good decision right now. Anger, frustration and financial wreckage are not exactly the best places to come from.
I feel like I would never put up with all of my husband's BS before I had children, and that only makes me resent him more. I think he knows that and uses it against me. I'm tired of having him ask the kids in front of me if they want him to come home. What are they supposed to say? Who says a child should even be making that decision? I find it offensive that he would even put them in that spot.
I barely slept at all last night and I'm in a horrible mood. I'm not someone who does well without sleep. I wish I could come to a place of peace on my life, but somehow that always seems outside of my grasp. The only time I truly feel happy and at ease is when I am alone with my children. I enjoy them so much. There is no one I adore more.