The following is taken directly from the ACOA webpage. (Adult Children of Alcoholics) I thought it was very interesting....
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional households.
We had come to feel isolated, and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.
We either became alcoholics ourselves, married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.
We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. We keep choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and keep them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue.
Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable solutions.
This is a description, not an indictment.
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Um, my father is an alcoholic (with a growing crack habit in recent years that has turned to full crackhead level) and none of this is really descriptive of me at all. I'm not a people pleaser, in fact, rather the opposite. I also have a very low threshold for bullshit in relationships.
ReplyDelete"Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others." Also, sort of the opposite. I responded to my parents neglect and my father's alcoholism by deciding I'd take care of myself because no one else would. Learning to be considerate of others feelings and opinions at all was a huge emotional advancement for me, as was learning to have some trust in other people.
"As a result of this conditioning, we often confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue." It also took me a long time to not see any weakness as something despicable or as a place to attack. I tended to find myself with people who were self reliant, even to the point of making myself unecessary in the relationship. I tend not to be concerned about breakups and get called "emotionally available", not "clingy".
"we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs" I like predicability and prefer to schedule outings far in advance.
I understand that some people react the way described here, because my older sister did, but quite a few of us also react the exact opposite, turning ourselves into self-policing people who don't even think to ask for help when we need it because we have grown to never expect it. For every kid that reacts to their parent's problems by saying "how can I help you" there is another who reacts with "you're dead to me."
Thanks for your comment. I have to say I agree with what you're saying. I saw this on their site and thought it was interesting, but it is certainly not complete. I identify with a lot of what you are saying as well!
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