Friday, November 6, 2009

Email to the AA Leader

Hi B,

Thank you for today. I feel like regardless what happens, it was productive.

J seems more dysfunctional since we talked than before. The fact that he does not have a sponsor is telling to me. I don't think he has EVER had a real sponsor and I am still concerned about his sobriety. He does not feel "ok" to me. I do not feel safe around him and neither do the kids. The fact that I said that to you seems to have enraged him. When he left tonight, our son said, "Daddy doesn't seem ok. Maybe he's doing drugs.".

He already was yelling at me again tonight. He bounced a check to our daughter's school 3 weeks ago and never told me. I go in and out of that school every day. I can't understand not paying the teachers who spend all day with our child. I can't understand not making that right. I can't understand at least telling your wife so that if he wasn't man enough to do it, I could talk to the school. Instead, I found out through the bill I received today and opened tonight. J has optimism, that's for sure, but sometimes it seems more like insanity to me. He has a constant belief that everything will be right any time now, and he's thought that way since I knew him. Faith alone doesn't pay your bills.

The fact that J spends more time with friends that are active, heavy drinkers than working his program gives me great pause. The Halloween party that we went to on Saturday was concerning. Everyone was so drunk that they basically forgot about dinner. We had a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old there. I kept asking, and it was always almost done. I don't hang around people who drink like that on an empty stomach. I wouldn't go to a party with people that I knew to be like that. My family may drink wine with dinner, but no one gets drunk and dinner is always served. Kids come first. We finally left around 8 after my numerous requests to go get the kids some dinner.

The other day, J had his phone off and our son could not reach him. He later said he was at a basketball game with someone who I know owns several night clubs in town and definitely drinks heavily. We did not hear from him again until the next day. When a child leaves their father a voicemail early in the evening, I don't think it should ever go unreturned.

I don't have a drinking problem, but I certainly don't hang around with heavy drinkers. There is nothing we really have in common. My kids are my first priority and it would be hard for me to relate to someone like that. I am just wondering why someone who has a relapse history and serious drinking issues since the age of 12 would spend his time with people like this?

I am at a point where I don't know that I want a marriage with J. But for God's sake, I hope that my children will have a father that they can look up to and respect, because this breaks my heart. I can not remember ever in my life a single time where my dad did not keep his word to me or our family. He would break his back to do anything for us. To this day, he is the one I count on to be a role-model to my kids - he is my hope for them.

I know J and his dad don't like our son seeing a counselor and think he knows too much for his age, and I sort of got that sense from you today as well. But J and his dad put us in this situation where I need to think about my son first - and what his needs are. God knows no one ever did that for J - and look where he is today. I'll be damned if either of my children become addicts. I am in prevention mode all the way. My family has been a rock and a refuge for these kids. That and our church. I put my faith in people I know I can count on - because my kids count on me. J is a gamble - a big one. You don't build your house on the sand.

J needs a sponsor. J needs to work his program. J needs to take responsibility for himself - and this family.

And then, maybe, if he ever gets his act together, we will all still be here waiting for him.

And I for one would like you to speak to my father-in-law. We all deserve better than how he has treated us.

I will certainly put everything else you said to thought as well regarding what you said about me. I know I have a wall up with J. But that has been necessary. That said, I am deeply unhappy and disappointed to the core of my being with how this marriage has turned out. And I do want better. I do want to be happy and not be angry all the time.

Thanks B - probably more than you wanted to hear tonight but I am very, very upset. I hope you know how very much I appreciate you and all the time that you have spent with us.

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