Saturday, October 10, 2009


It seems like everything lately is taking me a lot of effort. I have very little energy. I'm not sure if it is my fall, and my body just needs to heal, or if I am just slightly depressed and I need time to heal from my situation. Perhaps it is a bit of both.

Either way, I just feel very sluggish and tired. I am going to a funeral this morning. I really don't feel like going. I always feel like you should go to all weddings and funerals because you honor life and the important commitments we make to each other. But this morning it just seems like an extra effort that I don't want to make. Besides that, I have to go out of my way to pick up my 92-year-old grandmother, who I love dearly, but who can also be a bit much. She's just one of those people who it is just never enough. And I'm already feeling that, so facing her this morning just feels like a lot. Facing a lot of sadness feels like a lot too. And driving even one mile sounds like hell.

I was thinking that I used to wake up at 8. Now, but 8 I have already woke up, got myself ready, got two children ready for school, fed them, packed lunch, drove across town to get my son to school and am on my way to my daughter's school. I am already tired before I get to work.

My son is excelling in his new school. He loves it, and it is wonderful to see him thrive there. I have done my best to become involved there. I go to lunch there when I can and have signed up for as much volunteering as I can with my work schedule. He truly loves it there, and has thanked me for sending him there. I am very glad that he is grateful and I do feel like he appreciates it. I remind myself of that when I feel tired or overwhelmed. Someday, all of this will be worth it. Someday, we will live closer to the school. Someday, both kids will be old enough to go there. Someday, we will be out of all the mess we are in now.

I am still very resentful of my father-in-law for backing out of paying for the school. It would have been no sweat off his back. I am trying to get over it, but it is hard when every day I just feel worn out. My husband keeps telling me he wants to make amends to me, and I jokingly told him yesterday, yeah, this is his amends. I started imitating his dad. "Hi there...I'm really sorry and I want to make this up to you. So here's what I'm gonna do for you..." I slowly pull up my middle finger and start laughing.

But today, I just feel really tired. I think I will go for a walk and try to get some hope back.

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