Saturday, February 20, 2010
My husband came and picked up the kids about 2 hours ago. He was late, as usual, but I was glad for a little extra time with them. It is sad for me to see them go.
I took a nice walk. It's a beautiful day here. And then took a luxurious shower. I have struggled with letting my children go. But it occured to me this morning that this could be a gift to all of us.
I have not had free time like this since before I had children, nearly seven years ago. I love spending as much time as I can with my children, but there has been very little equality in my relationship and I have been given very little time to do things for myself. I have gotten used to that.
When we did have some extra money, we actually hired nannies to watch the kids. They were not spending that extra time with their dad. If I needed to do something, we paid someone money to watch our children. Looking back, I find that very sad.
Most of these nannies are no longer in our lives, with the exception of my sister, who watched my son the first 2 years of his life while I worked. And our dear A, who has become a very close friend. I'm glad the kids have this continuatity.
The other day, when I was pulling photos out to take to my son's school for a presentation, I asked him if he rememebered any of these other women. He did not. Even the photographs brought back no memories of them.
I am happy that my children will have this time with their dad. It did not come about the best or easiest way, but I do think it is important. I can not imagine not having the special times I had with my dad over the years. He was always taking us places, and I still carry on some of the same rituals with my children, like the park and the Blues Festival and the beach.
I saw this poem on Syd's blog about a month ago and I really liked it. If you have not checked it out, Syd writes a very good blog about his recovery in Al-Anon. It's one of the most centered recovery blogs I have come accross. (I'm just F.I.N.E. Recovery in Al-Anon).
In any case, this poem captures many of my feelings this morning, so I hope Syd won't mind if I reprint it here. :)
If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.
If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land –
that sacred earth that is your body.
If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.
Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.
Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.
Be kind to yourself, dear – to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.
~ Rumi ~