Saturday, February 6, 2010

Your Wound Grows and Grows

Today has been rough.

I have rarely been apart from my children for a full-day, let alone to have them spend the day alone with their father. He arrived 25 minutes late. I decided I need to accept that he will just always be late.

It was hard for me to let them go this morning. My sister and her boyfriend are here visiting from Seattle, so I spent the first hour with them in my home. They headed downtown, my sister for a meeting and her boyfriend to shop. She said I could go with her boyfriend, but I decided to stay home.

About an hour ago, I competely lost it and started sobbing. It hit me that I have always been working or watching the kids in these last 3 years. I have had very little idle time. When I have felt like crying, I have stopped myself and said, I don't have time for this.

I decided today that I should use these times for my own healing. There has been no real time to grieve, and I need that.

I spoke to my husband and told him some of how I feel. I said it is easy for you because you always have your father to bail you out. But I have to start over with nothing and this has ruined me.

It infuriates me that he is still so flip about everything. He does not take responsiblity for the mess he has made of our lives. It is never a big deal to him. He keeps saying that soon things will be better, and I reminded him today that he has been saying that for 3 years.

He started to say that he will be making so much money and blah blah blah....I told him that doesn't help ME.

I am devastated that he has been so competely careless with my life. Not only with my financial well-being but by driving drunk and having unprotected sex. It hurts that after carrying both of his children that I have meant so little to him.

I have always believed in justice and in karma. I have done nothing to deserve this.

It hurts.

I feel very raw. I feel like I am suffocatinng underneath the weight of a giant piano squishing my chest.

My husband told me it hurt him to hear me cry like this - but he will never see that he caused my pain.


I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.

Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?


-Hoda Al-Namani


I realized that there are a lot of things I could do right now to numb myself - whether it be working hard or starting to date. But I really need to deal with all of this before I move on to anything else.

I need to heal.

3 comments:

  1. I'm thinking that the decision to marry this man was not a great one and that your best years are ahead. Tough times now.

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  3. I'm sorry, Sula. I think Madison is right, your best years are ahead. I wish it weren't so hard right now.

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