Tuesday, February 9, 2010


You don't expect to ever have to worry about AIDS or STD's when you get married. At least I didn't. Maybe I was naive. I've since heard statistics that 80% of men cheat and 65% of women do (which is likely under-reported).

However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.

I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.

I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.

I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.

One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.

It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.

Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.

He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.

I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.

He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.

I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.

My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.

I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.

But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.

And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.

I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.

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