Losing it

This morning was terrible. I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up not feeling good. I got myself ready and woke up the kids. Usually they can get themselves mostly ready so I instructed them on what needed to be done. I came downstairs ready to go, and both of them were still in their pajamas watching TV. It almost seems funny now, but I was not happy then.

Neither of them had eaten or done anything. We usually watch very little TV during the week, but since my son was sick over the weekend, we did a lot of lounging in front of the TV. So while our rule is usually no TV before school, I think they were just thinking today was just an extension of the weekend. But we did not have time for TV this morning, and we ended up being late.

In the moment, everything felt like too much for me. I am glad I have my kids and I love being with them. But it is stressful being in charge of everything, worrying about money and keeping on top of my regular (commission-only) job. I burst into tears and cried most of the way to school.

My husband had asked me about having sex the night before. I decided not to respond to his last text, but I think it was eating at me.

We have not had sex since last March. Between his relapse, drinking, verbal abuse, lies and more lies, doing all the work around the house and with the kids, finding out he had multiple unprotected sex-partners...I really lost interest.

So when he asked me over the phone last night I told him - for me to even consider it, you would have to get tested and we would have to do some serious counseling.

Which he responded later by text, "I deserve some of your attention if you want to be married to me."

So this morning, I lost it on him.

You have a real problem with entitlement. I told you what my boundaries are and what would need to happen.

You never think you have to do those things. It is always about your needs.

I have more than my share on my plate besides having to worry about you double dipping.

I am not your whore. You don't get to go out and fuck all the women you want and then have me. It doesn't work that way.

You do not help with the day-to-day and the kids and I are continually broke.

Try finding a women who thinks that's sexy.

It's not enough for you that the weight of all the stress you have caused will shorten my life.

You'd also like me to expose myself to AIDS or whatever else you might have.

After all that, we were able to have a somewhat better conversation over the phone. Today we are drafting our temporary agreement and it sounds like we are at least making some progress there.

I also told him he needs to watch the Ted Haggard interview on Oprah. At least that guy, however you might think of him, said something I found really valid. He talked about how it was HIS responsibility to make his wife feel at ease with him and that HE needed to earn back her trust by going over and beyond what she would even request of him.

Which seems like common sense - but not something you usually hear from men like him.

I gave both of my children giant hugs today before I dropped them off at school. I hope they know how much I love them. I know it upset them to see me cry. I told them sometimes, mommies have really hard days too and that I was sorry.