Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Funeral Today

I am headed to my uncle's funeral in a bit with my children. I have not seen my step father for over 8 years - since I was pregnant with my son. I keep thinking I should feel more nervous about it, but it seems like that part of me has been healed. I am interested to see what the day brings. I know that his time is likely near, as his health has not been good for some time. So I am glad that we can perhaps have some time in person to mend. It has been a long process and we have both taken baby steps.

More than anything, it means a lot to me that he has reached out. He did have a big part in raising me, and no one is all good - or all bad.

My step father was the primary alcoholic in my life growing up. I think he set the stage for much of what has happened with my ex-husband. I remember writing to him in what I thought would be my final letter that he had set the stage for my sisters and I and the treatment we would put up with from men in our lives as adult women. I think it has taken a long time for all of us to come into our own - much longer than perhaps is natural.

My mother of course, had a part in that - and I can see that now. She did put up with him. I think that played a part in me finally leaving my husband. I did not want to end up as she had in the end with my step father. He wore her down. It has taken her many, many years to reclaim herself.

I was very angry with him about many things. But over time, this has disapated. I suppose this is a lesson for me with my ex. I remember trying for many years to forgive him, but I could not. I have felt the same way towards my ex and his parents. Time does wonders. Not having to deal with someone day-in-day-out does too. Louise Hay always says you only have to be willing to forgive, and it will happen. But it happens in its own time.

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