The Funeral

The funeral went very well. It was very nice to be reconnected with family. I took the kids and was glad that I did, even though the service went long. There were several people they had not met yet and they were pretty well behaved.

It was good to see my step dad and we had a nice, casual talk. I also met his girlfriend, who he left my mother for, and was able to enjoy my time with her. Previously, I had not wanted to meet her. She was a nice woman however, and I could tell several of my younger cousins were very fond of her.

It struck me during the service that my Uncle had been married for a very long time to his high school sweetheart. Some of us seem more broken and fragmented by divorce or divorce(s) - and I noted that both my step dad and I were in this category. We have both been divorced twice. I can not remember if he married his girlfriend or not, but they have been together for so long, essentially they are married. For those of us who are broken for whatever reason, people like my uncle and my grandparents are so grounding. They bridge the gaps in our lives. They really anchor us, even when we can not seem to maintain relationships for whatever reasons.

I have felt very anti-marriage lately, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to remarry and stay married for the rest of my life. I think I have wanted that groundedness, but I have sought it with the wrong people. Actually, my counselor always thought that my first husband could have been the right person for me, but that it felt uncomfortable for me to be with him because of my family of origin.

It also struck me during the service that life is really not that hard. You get married, support your family, live a good life of service and love - and you are satisfied.

I am not sure how we got to this place of brokeness. With all my husband's wealthy family, contacts, brains, good connections, everything else, our life should have been very simple - even overflowing with abundance in every direction. He squandered so much and thought so little about the consequences for all of us.

My Uncle started with so little, and made a wonderful life out of it. I don't think he could have even contemplated the situation that we are in now, and it makes me sad that we missed this last part of his life. After hearing the words at his service, I know that he would have said something about it. I wish I had come to my senses sooner and left the marriage years ago. I should have filed when I found the cocaine in our house, when I first saw an attorney years ago. Things just went further downhill from there the longer I stayed.

I feel very angry with my ex lately and I can't seem to get past it. I am still sick, and I'm sure this doesn't help things, but I really think I just need a break from him for a while. I am really tired of all the repercussions from his careless actions and how they have affected the kids and me. He seems completely clueless to all of this and keeps telling me to "trust him". I keep telling him that's what got me into trouble in the first place.

I don't really think he will ever understand the extent of the damage he did to our family. I think the reason I have been able to reconnect with my step father is that I deeply sense that he does, and that he is sorry. It does not matter what your words are, your actions prove the intent of your heart.