Happy

I realized today that I feel happier than I have probably ever felt.

This is something I have been working on for a long time: just to be happy.

For some people it probably seems like a simple thing. But for me, it has not been.

I had so many negative thoughts constantly popping into my head that I think I needed to completely re-arrange the way I thought. For me, listening to meditations and other positive, affirming voices really helped.

I've been listening to Patricia Lynn Reilly's Home is Always Waiting Meditation (which is wonderful!) every night when I put my daughter to sleep. Sometimes she wants to just talk to me, and that is OK. But I think we both benefit from her words and her peaceful voice. Throughout the day, beginning with breakfast for me and the kids, I listen to Chakra meditations. This is an area of work my sister has encouraged in me for years. It was only recently that this did not seem "weird" to me.

I have been walking my hilly neighborhood daily and following up with my Kundalini Yoga DVD afterwards. The walking helps me clear my head so I can really experience the yoga. When I tried to do yoga just by itself, I would often get distracted with thoughts or things to do mid-way through.

I was really hard on myself for not doing the yoga and walking daily, but when I let go of that and just decided to do what I could, I started to really enjoy it - and make it a priority every day.

I also decided to make myself a nice salad every day at lunch. In the past, I only made salads when other people were eating with me. I don't know why. But I've figured out a method to make a nice single salad, the way I like with with lemon and olive oil, without it being too much fuss. I actually enjoy putting it all together.

I have more time for me now. Part of this is that both my children are in school all -day now. I never had time to do all these self-care acts. I have never had a live-in partner. And I never demanded partnership. I think in a lot of ways I felt lucky just to have the "privilege" of being married. Even if it was to someone who could not give back to me in any way other than buying me off. Contrary to what Alanon promotes, I don't think you can be happy or healthy in a toxic environment. I don't believe children can be either.

I feel so grateful to have such a loving and supportive partner now. I am constantly amazed at his support of me. I never knew a love like this existed, at least for me.

Now that I am healing myself, I have more creative energy than I have ever had. I have so many projects that I am working on and am excited about. Previously, everything looked good on the outside, but I was a miserable mess. Now, by all accounts, I should probably be miserable - at least by my old value system. But I am really, really happy.

The Old Ways

"There have always been women who
remember the old ways.
Women who refuse to please others
by becoming smaller than they are.
Women who take space
with their thoughts and feelings,
their needs and desires,
their anger and their dreams.
Women full of themselves."

-Patricia Lynn Reilly

Home

"As a woman descends into the richness of her own life, she discovers the way home to herself. In the descent, she reverses the tendency to look outside of herself for salvation. In the "deep places", she reunites with her essential self and reclaims her natural capacities."

-Patricia Lynn Reilly

Growing up Female

"Eventually, our capacity to tell the truth was judged as rude and "not nice", and our capacity to think for ourselves as "troublesome" and "rocking the boat" by our families. We learned to question our thoughts and perceptions and to lie in a compliance-based environment that valued conformity to outdated gender stereotypes and "politeness" more than it did integrity. We kept our thoughts about the events of life to ourselves so there wouldn't be an argument. We strained to like everyone so we wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. We pretended that we didn't know what we knew so their egos wouldn't be hurt; that we didn't hear what we heard so their secrets wouldn't be exposed; and that we couldn't do what we could do so that the masquerade about who was weak and who was strong would be maintained. The constant repetition of these childhood commandments censored our natural tendency to tell the truth and to think for ourselves. We learned to question our truth and to defer to the thoughts and perceptions of others, assuming something was wrong with us."

-Patricia Lynn Reilly, I Promise Myself: Making a Commitment to Yourself and Your Dreams

To Love

"To love is to allow what is different to exist and be itself. To love is to accept the otherness of the beloved. To love is to refuse to violate the mystery of the beloved."

- Patricia Lynn Reilly, A God who looks like Me

Imagine a Woman

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
IAW Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.
A woman who delights in pleasuring herself.
Who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.
A woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.
Who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as the breath.

Imagine a woman who tells the truth.
A woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.
Who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

Imagine a woman who follows her creative impulses.
A woman who produces original creations.
Who refuses to color inside someone else's lines.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman who refuses to surrender to gods, gurus, and higher powers.
A woman who has descended into her own inner life.
Who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

Imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.
A woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenge.
Who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.
Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

Imagine a woman who participates in her own life.
A woman who meets each challenge with creativity.
Who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

Imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.
A woman who is available to herself.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

Imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.
A woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.
Who expects others to be blessed and challenged by her presence in their lives.

Imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.
A woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.
Who has taken her rightful place in the human community.

Imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.
A woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.
Who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to navigate the challenges of life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.
A woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.
Who asserts to herself the right to reorder the world.

Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.
A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.
Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

by Patricia Lynn Reilly