Feelings

"It is always important for us to be aware of our feelings. Our feelings exist for good reason and so deserve our attention and our respect. Even uncomfortable feelings that we might prefer to avoid, such as anger and depression, may serve to preserve the dignity and integrity of the self."

-Harriet Goldhor Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy

Sleep = A Clear Mind, finally

I finally got a full night of uninterrupted sleep and am thinking much clearer. It has been months since this has happened. I usually take hours to get to sleep and wake up 4-5 times during the night. My mother talked to me yesterday about how important it is for me to sleep well, and she was right.

If nothing else has come out of these stomach pains, it is the realization that I have not been taking good enough care of myself. I have told myself I am doing better than most under the circumstances, but I was comparing myself to other Al-anon-ers - not most normal people. I am going to take a look at how I can do a better job.

My mind has been wandering with all these scenarios that "might" happen. I realized this morning that it really is not up to me. I have children. And, as my husband likes to remind me, he has "rights" as their father.

I can control the situation somewhat with my children now because my husband has not been an active participant in our lives. But ultimately, if we divorce, a judge will decide everything.

I have given my husband a guilty verdict in my head again and again. But ultimately, it will not matter what I think. Only the facts will matter.

I can present my truth to a judge, and it may or may not matter. Some things are undisputed. My husband has a felony conviction for cocaine possession. My husband has been in rehab twice for a total over 5 months during the span of our relationship. My husband has relapsed or "slipped" (as he likes to call it) several times since then. My husband has driven drunk with us in the car. My husband slept with 3 women without a condom. All of these things I have proof of. The rest, all the little bitty things that I have been fixated on, are not going to be relevant in court.

The judge can subpoena my husband's bank records and he can explain where the money has gone. He can give an account line by line. And I can explain all the sacrifices we have made and how many times I have had to make his children pasta or macaroni and cheese. I can show the 401ks that I had to liquidate to stay afloat. S/he can look at my bank records and see that we were left with nothing.

A judge can talk to the school. S/he can talk to the teachers. S/he can talk to my son's counselor. S/he can talk to the people at our church and in the Muslim community. S/he can talk to anyone and see what the patterns have been over the years and what the effects have been on our children.

A judge can look at all of this and make his (or her) verdict. And that will dictate what happens from here on out. If my husband does not pay support, he will go to jail. Our State is very tough on this. All of this is very simple. I have been making it hard, but it is very simple.

And once that happens, we can move on with our lives. There will be no more "what ifs". We won't have to wait for him to pay the bills or beg for money. We will know what the law allows for every month and the State can take it straight out of his check.

If my husband continues to read my blog and harass me about it, a judge can address that as well. If my husband verbally abuses me, sends me menacing text messages and/or voicemails, or physically attacks me again, there are measures a judge can take about that as well. I do not have to just sit here and continue to take it, and I won't.

It can only get better from here.

Better!

I'm feeling much, much better...amazing what taking care of yourself will do!

I went to the chiropractor and got adjusted - that helped immensely.

My ex-husband's wife treated me a to gluttonous lunch at our favorite Moroccan restaurant. She is so great to be around because she is always so happy and positive.

I took a walk in the rain. Lots of hills, so that got out some of my negative thoughts.

And I hung upside down for a while to stretch my back out - and then did some yoga poses.

I had a somewhat-productive day at work after I got out of my rut. My mom took the kids to my son's Taekwondo class so I have a bit of a break to shower before my "second shift"!