Friday, September 18, 2009
I hit a pole
I have been up most of the week with my daughter and my own sickness. I am really tired and angry. I have been dealing with my husband on the premise that you get what you give. And I have been giving and giving and giving. Another saying I remember someone telling me, that I took on wholeheartedly, is you can't out give the universe.
There has never been a night in 7+ years where my husband has got up with the kids. There has never been a day where they were sick, and he stayed home with them. Even when he was not working. There has never been a dime that I did not work my ass off for that was not 100% for my family. Even when I had to cash in retirement accounts, I did it. Because I would never let my children suffer.
I should have sent his ass to work. I should have filed for child support when my son was born.
I do not deserve to be in the situation I am in. I do not deserve it.
When I tell people that my husband has told me that I have not been supportive of him, they look at my like I am crazy. How much support could you have possibly given him? Two rehabs? WTF?
When I tell people that my husband says he only has a felony cocaine conviction because of me, they say, what?? Did you buy the cocaine and stuff it up his nose?
His thinking is so distorted.
For him to think that he can somehow control me by cutting off nearly all financial support? Well that is bull shit. That is abuse. That is just sickening.
And that is a pattern.
I just got so mad while I was talking about him that I hit the gas in drive instead of reverse and smashed my car into a pole. Thankfully, I was alone.
I can not talk to him anymore. He is a poison snake.
He is an exact replica of his father, and I am sure he is very proud of himself right now.
The day my divorce is finalized will be the happiest day of my life. I never, never should have married that man. I never should have even been with him in the first place.