Sunday, September 13, 2009
There is so much to write about that I really don't know where to start. The fighting has escalated between my husband and me. There seems to be little peace. He is texting me 50-100 times a day, and calling at least 8-20 times. I have decided to ignore him. There is little good in responding at this point. I really don't have anything to respond back with that he can remotely understand or empathize with.
He refuses to give us any money, even when he promises he will. Only if something is dire, like the cable or electricity are about to be shut off, will he pay them directly. He thinks he is justified because he is paying (so far) for the kids private tuition. I suppose that makes all sorts of sense to him because it strokes his ego to know his kids are attending the best schools in our area - and he gets to socialize with all the rich people he cares so much about.
But what good is private school if you can't feed your kids or pay your basic bills? It makes no sense to me. I'm glad my kids can attend. I think education is important. But not like this. My husband seems to have gone completely mad.
I do not believe he has any intention of settling this peacefully or respectfully anymore, so I am going to get my own attorney. It will be worth it to me. I'm tired of being jerked around. And I think he is just dragging this out, thinking that I am going to be stupid enough to settle for whatever jacked-up proposal he sends me.
Yesterday, we were supposed to meet at our gym at 1pm. He called me after 1 and said he was running late. I continued my work out. (The kids were in the kids room, having fun, but waiting for their dad to pick them up). In any case, he started sending me nasty texts so I ignored him. I went to pick up the kids about an hour later and he had not showed up. The kids asked me why their dad didn't pick them up. I told them I didn't know. We went swimming. The nasty texts continued. Somewhere in there, my husband told me that he had taken our dog. Then he said he'd meet us and give him the dog. His mentality seemed to go something like this: I did not meet my obligation to meet the kids at 1pm. You won't reschedule, so I will take something that is vital and important to you so that you will have to meet me to get it.
His official reasoning was that it was hot outside. Well, it's a dog, a dog that has often been outside, without incident. My husband has never shown any concern for that dog before. In fact, when I was pregnant with our son, and threatened to leave him, he told me if I did, he would take the dog. And not because he cared about the dog. He said it because he knew it would hurt me.
Being pregnant with an alcoholic partner that sometimes does not bother to ever come home is pure hell. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights when I was pregnant. That dog was my only solace. At that point in my life I rarely called anyone for help. I would just sit there and cry and snuggle with our little dog until I fell asleep.
I remember that threat now so vividly and I wish I would have just left. It's the same bull shit now except there are two kids involved.
I think what my husband had in mind was to barter the kids with the dog. My daughter now uses the dog for solace. She walks around every room in the house carrying that dog. She adores him. He is her comfort, as he used to be mine.
I warned the kids before we arrived home that the dog would not be there. I was not about to give my husband the satisfaction of any emotional breakdowns from any of us. I thought my kids were OK, but last night, my daughter awoke around 4am with a nightmare about her dog being gone and woke us all up with her screaming and yelling. It took a while to get everyone back to sleep and then I laid there for about an hour before I could.
For my husband to take that dog was one of the most disturbing things he has done thus far. I told him he was lucky I did not call the police. That seemed to baffle him. He said we were lucky that the police didn't come and take the dog.
Well, that logic makes no sense to me. It's a small 5-lb dog that has wondered around the neighborhood like a cat the entire 5-years we have been here. The kids left the dog outside, yes. Ironically, we were in a rush to meet their father on time. We were only going to be gone a few hours and the dog just goes to the back and waits for us in the shade.
My husband brought the dog back today while we were at church. He was supposed to also bring a check for the 3rd day in a row, but had yet another excuse why he could not do that. I'm sick of his excuses. I'm sick of his distorted mind.
So I have told him to talk to my attorney if he needs to contact me. I am done.
My new schedule is crazy and I have been inclined to skip workouts and church, but I realized today that these are the things that I CAN NOT skip. They nurture my body, my soul and my mind.
So I am going to try to be more diligent about making time. I also signed up for teaching a few Sunday School lessons. I want to focus more on giving back. It seems like my husband sucks so much life out of me. I'm trying to fill up our lives with enriching things so that there is no time for him to detract from us.
I realized yesterday that he really brings nothing positive to the table for any of us. So we will see what a judge mandates in terms of visitations - but I am no longer going to go out of my way to make things easier for him. The days of me cooking him dinner or persuading the kids to talk to him on the phone are over.
The kids and I are going to stay focused on positive and enjoyable things for us.