By Any Means Necessary

Well, so far I'd call my husband's visitations disastrous, at least with my daughter.

She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.

It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.

I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.

He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.

My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)

They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.

What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.

She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.

I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.

He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.

I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.

He continued to text me. I ignored him.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.

He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.

I just want peace, for myself and for my children.

The Tiffany Necklace

This has been a hard week. Last Sunday, I finally gave in and let my grandmother lend me some money. I am 34-years-old and I really don't think I should be borrowing money from my family at this point of my life. It was humbling to say the least.

I have been trying to sell some things on eBay for some time now and I think I am finally getting the hang of the process and have actually started to sell some things.

One of the items was a Tiffany necklace that I had been given as a gift many years ago on my birthday. I sold the item last night and the buyer sent me an email. I had written on the ad that the necklace was in very good condition because I had planned to give it to my daughter someday. I had saved the original Tiffany boxes and wrappings. He wrote me to ask why I was not giving the necklace to my daughter now.

I wrote a few brief sentences about my situation and he replied, "i just sent your payment by paypal, i would like you to NOT send me the necklace. Please give it to your Daughter."

That really made me tear up and I ended up crying very hard. I told him I could not accept his offer. I went downstairs and talked to my mom, who was there to watch the kids for the day while I worked. She said, these things don't happen very often. Just try to accept it.

The man responded back that it was not charity, and that God had given him more than he would ever need.

I asked him if he was sure, and he said, "absolutely, be well."

I have been rather emotional about this all day. But I thought about what my mom said and I decided to put the necklace on for good luck.

One of the hardest things for me to accept in selling all these things was that I would not be able to give them to my daughter some day. She LOVES jewelry - putting it on, even looking at it. I thought I had come to terms with all of that until today, when this gesture reduced me to mush.

Now I know when I do give this necklace to my daughter someday that it will be more than just the original story of getting it for my birthday many years ago. It will be a story about acceptance and grace and getting through this really tough time. It will be about a stranger named Paul in South Dakota, who caught a tiny sentence in my ad, and took the time and initiative to know why I was selling my necklace. Who immediately put funds into my account without getting anything in return.

Fairy Tales

I realized the other day that am still waiting for my fairy tale to come true. And looking at my life and all the others around me I should have realized a long time ago that was never going to happen. I need to take control of my own life.

And I need to consider the wider the impact of all the Barbie and Princess books my daughter loves so much will have in her life. (No, I did NOT buy these! But she has received them as gifts and LOVES them!!)

My daughter is a VERY strong girl. Truly, I wish I had her strength. But I wonder what our culture will squelch in her - and what impressions my own thoughts on life have made on her.

This is a hard thing for me. I consider myself a feminist. (Women-studies minor in college). And yet, my own upbringing was very traditional. While it wasn't always happy, I have found myself striving for that same model in my own life. Even when there was never chance of that working out long-term.

I've told several of my younger friends not to ever give up their financial independence. Which I still wish I had not done. But it is also such a trade-off - and one I wish no one had to make.

I have enjoyed my kids, thoroughly. I am still saddened by the first year of my son's life. I was working way too much and unable to stay home with him. And sometimes I almost feel like I want to have another baby - not because I want another baby per say, but just so I can somehow recapture that time.

But the truth is, that time is gone and I have to make my peace with it.

I remember an exercise my counselor tried with me many years ago about seeing things as they are instead of how we want them to be. I don't think I was ready for that then. But I'm slowly beginning to see that I need to be ready now.