Sexuality for the Single Mom

This is a taboo subject unfortately. It's as if once we leave our marriages we are suddently supposed to have no desire left, except to care for our children. The same stigma is not put on a man who has a girlfriend but it is for mothers.

I made some decisions about how I would pursue my sexuality after my husband moved out. I had left a basically sex-less marriage, and I was certain I did not want to waste my sexual prime.

I had toys, lots of them. But that's not the same thing as having a real person. Not even close.

So, I made a commitment to myself that if I had an opportunity, and it was right, I would take it.

By right I mean that I knew the man and his sexual history, we used condoms and my children were in no way involved.

Of course, that often meant sex in bathrooms and cars - and at odd hours of the day...

But I did not want to have a "boyfriend". Coming out of a long relationship that felt stiffling, I did not want anyone else to have any say over me anymore.

I have always had a lot of male friends and I work primarily with men. I had several fun encounters, but not as many as I would have liked over the course of 2 years.

I felt I was being responsible. Afterall, I was putting my children first and I was cautious.

However, I made the mistake of telling one particular friend who took it upon herself to become God after an argument we had. She used the term whore and said I had slept with half our city. I told her I wish.

I thought it would end there, but she also took it upon herself to tell one of my lovers, an old high school sweetheart who I cared deeply for. He did not take the news well, despite our agreement that I would do as I pleased and keep it to myself. He lives in another city and only comes to town once or twice a year.

Then she called my husband, who I was in the process of divorcing.

Mind you, my husband is an alcoholic who brought cocaine into our home and cheated on me numerous times during our marriage. But he is still the father of my children, and this was information he didn't need to have.

To his credit, he didn't use it against me. He said it hurt his feelings and asked a few questions. To which I responded, look, you have your private life and I have mine. It's best to keep some of this stuff to ourselves.

He agreed.

So how do you maintain a fulfilling sexual life as a single mom?

First, I'd advise you to keep it largely to yourself.

Thanksgiving Day

My mom took the kids the night before Thanksgiving so I could get things done. I had a feeling my husband would take issue with that, so I didn't tell him. Lately he always assumes when I have a free night that I am with someone else.

I felt very depressed and didn't get much done, except for moping around. I watched an OK movie and did a little here and there to get ready for the next day.

Thursday morning I woke up and took a walk, which was nice. I rarely have time for that on Thanksgiving Day, and usually I have both my kids, who can't do the big hills by our house very well.

My sister came around noon to help, and my mom brought the kids back a little before that. The best part of my day was the time I spent with my sister. We don't have as much time together lately and I have missed her. We are always silly and light-hearted together.

We decided to sneak out for an hour and go see both of our grandmas. My mom's mom has cancer and it really isn't treatable. She's opted to go out pretty naturally, which I respect. I think I would want the same thing. She's still pretty young to be a great-grandma (early 70's) and it does seem like she's too young to die. She has always been very strong and not very emotional. I've only seen her cry a few times, and I remember each scene vividly. It was like something breaking this strong foundation that I love so much. I cry just thinking about it.

She has become slightly more emotional lately - and more into seeing everyone. In the past she was happy to just stay at her house alone. I see a lot of myself in her. Perhaps it is being with an alcoholic for a long time (36 years for my grandma) that wears you down until you just can't show any sign of emotion.

Two of my uncles were over there, and so was my mom. We had a nice visit and I'm glad we went, even though we had the food in the oven and no one was there to watch it, lol!

Then we went over to see my dad's mom, which was a little more difficult. She has always been very clingy, and now moves very slow, so it was difficult to do a quick hello. But as we were leaving my sister said, that was probably the highlight of her week. She loves to see my kids, and I love to see her too. I just have felt very tired and depressed lately, so I don't go lately. Now that I'm back at work, there is little time between that and the kids to just go visit someone.

We rushed to finish everything once we got home, and my husband came, bringing my dear friend T, who does not drive. His partner used to drive him or he would take a bus. Our house is not easy to get to with out a car, so I was grateful to my husband for getting him. He's had a hard year between caring for his sick partner, and then losing him. I love to see T. He is someone who always says exactly what is on his mind, and he always makes me smile. Sometimes he offends people, but I love that about him too. He doesn't tip-toe around anyone. He is fully himself - and there are too few people like that.

My children told their dad about spending the night with their grandma and he came over and asked me about it. It felt more like an accusation than a question. I asked him, "Have you ever made a Thanksgiving dinner with 2 little children around? It's a lot of work."

I resent him even questioning me. He has every night to spend as he wishes. I don't get into his business. He is the one who stepped out of our marriage 3 times, and now he wants to question me? When I'm making a fucking Thanksgiving Dinner??!! I started venting to my mom about it in the kitchen. I thought he had stepped outside, but it turns out he had come back in and probably heard me.

Things were tense. He carved the turkey. We all got our food and sat down to eat. I just started eating.

T. surprised me by asking to say a prayer before dinner. I'm not feeling super religious, so I asked him to do it. It was beautiful.

During dinner, my sister and T made a toast, more to each other than anything, to past, current and future lovers. We all raised our glasses. I actually thought it was a great toast. I could see my husband was visually upset however.

He sort of sulked through the rest of the dinner. My sister ended up taking T home and he stayed and washed most of the dishes. It was nice of him to wash the dishes, but I hate that negative energy there when you know there is something wrong and the person won't just come out with it.

After he left, he texted me about it.

I felt like it was not the Thanksgiving I hoped for, at least not the dinner. The food did not taste especially good to me, and I ended up eating only about half of what I take. Usually I take pride in my cooking and love to eat, but I didn't enjoy the meal the way I had hoped.