Monday, April 27, 2009

Felony Conviction

The stress of trying to rebuild our lives has been overwhelming. My husband was sentenced to a Felony for the cocaine possession.

He’s still so angry at me for turning him in, and wants me to apologize. I’m still angry at him for not getting it.

He has to do 24 hours of community service in 3 day stints. Digging ditches or something in our community. He’s pissed about that too. And being a felon. Having his DNA tested. All the stigma. Not being able to travel. Having to report to his parole officer.

I just keep thinking that he’s lucky.

He could have gone to prison for 5 years. Our daughter could be dead. I could have left him. He could still be an alcoholic and drug addict – or I guess he is, and will be forever, but he could be active in his addiction.

He sees the bad, and I see the good. And some days I feel like we will never be able to reconnect. It seems like we only see the bad in each other anymore. Some days I hate him. Sometimes I wonder how I got here and how I can live this way for the rest of my life.

But it seems that what’s good for me is bad for the kids, and vice versa. They need their dad. And I need him too in some ways.

Our finances are a mess. And I blame him as much as I rely on him to fix it. I can not dig us out of this hole. It seems it is his responsibility, but still my problem that I have to endure every day. I don’t sleep. I am stressed. I am having headaches nearly every day. I had a hot flash this morning. I think about all the stress of these last 7 years and I hope I just don’t keel over and die someday.

Some days it seems impossible that we will ever get out of this mess, especially in this economy. But I think about all the money his dad is sitting on and it literally makes me sick. The kids suffer while he sits there like a stingy SOB. His wife plays golf and tennis all day and talks about my husband’s lack of work ethic, while she has never worked.
It makes me sick.

But it is his money and he can do what ever he wants. I shouldn’t expect him to care. He has helped in some ways. Someone told my sister that he probably won’t ever help a lot because he’s worried I will divorce my husband and he wants to make sure I don’t get anything.

It makes me mad that my husband and his family seem to think I have no other options. That they think that I should take the brunt of all of this again and again.

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