Some thoughts...

I've been having terrible migraines. I think a lot of it has to do with not being able to forgive my in-laws. I re-read their emails yesterday and my blood boiled all over again. I still feel I am right and they are so fucking wrong.

Why does my father-in-law get to mess up my husband's life and then mess up mine because his son doesn't know how to husband or father - and then turn around and expect to get to be a grandfather?

He thinks he can step over all the steps, all the apologies, all the amends and just be here - as if I don't matter. As if I haven't been here the whole time filling in the gaps for all of them.

In case you forgot, you drank away your son's childhood, and since your grandchildren were born you have been playing golf and tennis while your son drinks away theirs.

No one in their family seems to remotely understand cause and effect.

You vowed to support our marriage, but you have never supported it. You have criticized and judged, but never supported it.

I can not understand this family I married into. I can't understand it at all.

I also read all the Al-Anon brochures yesterday. I can't believe I never got those or read those before. I have done everything completely wrong with my husband. No wonder his relapse lasted so long. I know now that I need that program and that I am perhaps even partially responsible for these last few years. I knew Al-Anon was there. I just thought I was right and he was wrong and why should I have to do one more thing?

I think I have lived my whole life trying to be perfect and then getting mad at everyone else for not doing the same thing. Getting irritated when people are lazy or no good at their jobs. The truth is no one is good at everything and life ends up being a compromise in one way or another. Motherhood has taught me that. I had to give up my good salary - one bit of my pride - because at least I had sense enough to know I couldn't be a perfect mother and a perfect career woman. And now I am realizing I was never perfect at either.

But I have always tried. Perhaps I have tried too hard.