I talked to an old friend at a business lunch today about finding cocaine in my home and my father-in-law's response. His partner responded with a story about his cousin, who became a meth addict. She overdosed in her home while alone with her 2-year-old daughter. It was 2 days before someone finally realized something was wrong. They found her in pretty bad condition, with her dead mother on the bathroom floor.
The partner told me that he was really glad I had called the police and that he believed I had made the right decision. He was also the father of a 3 and 6-year-old and he said he would do the same thing, even if it were his wife.
Here is the poem I wrote for my father-in-law. He responded by telling me I was stupid.
If my daughter-in-law called me to tell me my son was using cocaine
I would listen to her
Embrace her
Ask how I could help
Empathize
Be there
Immediately
Fly out on the next flight if I had to
(Even in the middle of the night.)
I would hug my son until he started sobbing-
He would know that I love him-
He would know it, damn it.
I would just hold him-
Until he felt it-
Until he told the truth.
Even if it took all night
Even if it took all week
Even if it took the rest of my life
To make up for what I hadn't done.
If my daughter-in-law called me, sobbing, shaking, desperate;
I wouldn't make her feel like a nobody.
I would tell her
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Cheating
You don't expect to ever have to worry about AIDS or STD's when you get married. At least I didn't. Maybe I was naive. I've since heard statistics that 80% of men cheat and 65% of women do (which is likely under-reported).
However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.
I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.
I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.
I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.
One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.
It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.
Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.
He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.
I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.
He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.
I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.
My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.
I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.
But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.
And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.
I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.
However, I think I felt like my husband was still in the process of making amends to me and never would go there.
I remember a friend of mine who went through a very similar story to mine, with an alcoholic husband and 4 children. After getting through recovery with him, she then found out her husband was cheating on her. My husband said at the time he thought that was horrible.
I have known for some time that my husband cheated on my during our marriage. I thought it was only once and with one woman. I assumed he would have at least given me the courtesy of using a condom, but he did not.
I am done pretending that it wasn't as bad or that he did it while we were separated. I know that was not the case. I am done letting my husband think he has gotten away with something or trying to make him feel better about the situation.
One of the most humiliating experiences of my life was having to go in to my doctor and ask for an AIDS test. After asking me why and talking to him about the cocaine in the home, he asked me if my husband was sleeping with prostitutes. He suggested I get fully tested for everything. Luckily, nothing came up but, it scared the hell out of me. And I have yet to get even an acknowledgement from my husband, yet alone an apology.
It is just excuses, excuses, excuses.
Yesterday, my husband asked me when the last time I tried to make him feel good was. I gave him 2 recent examples. The first was when I tried to make him feel better about our daughter not wanting to go with him. The second was late last week when I made tostados. I know he likes them and I let him take all the leftovers, despite the fact that we barely have money for groceries right now.
He was not able to acknowledge either thing. I told him I have always been nice to him and done things to make him feel better, but he has taken me for granted.
I told him it never mattered how nice I was to you - you still ended up with your dick inside someone else - or multiple someone else's.
He started giving me excuses. He said I left him. That I had left him a long time ago.
I told him to stop lying. I told him I knew that he had done this during the time we were living together. He seems to forget that I found proof of a $500+ hotel bill. I told him that I knew the truth, and have always known it.
My husband seems to think that all his behaviors have some justification. But there is no justification for cheating on your wife with 3 women without condoms. He feels that I didn't take care of him. Even if that were true, it does not make it right.
I seem to remember his mother dying, and that was an excuse to stop drinking again. But I was there for him then. I ran out of the vet's office the second he called, mid-appointment and rushed out to be with him. I called his dad and said I was worried that this would cause him to relapse. I did everything in my power to make sure he had adequate support.
But in the end, it was his choice to drink again. It was his choice to be with other women. He never told me then that he felt neglected. It is only now, that everything is out that he tries to blame me for his actions.
And it's not going to fly. I will not take responsiblity for his actions. He needs to take responsiblity for himself. He can not blame me, he can not blame his parents, he can not blame his friends. He needs to look at himself.
I am done trying to make him feel better. If anyone should be making anyone else feel better it should be my husband, trying to fix the damage he has caused to me and our children.
Alvin and the Chipmunks
I have been feeling unbearably sad lately. My daughter absolutely loves to sing and really likes upbeat songs. My son recently got an Alvin and the Chipmunks CD filled with what I'd mostly call hip-hop sung by the Chipmunks. One of their favorites is "Shake your Groove Thing". This morning, we listened to that several times with my daughter singing and bopping along at with all she had. I finally suggested that we try another song - and this one seemed perfect. It's hard to feel too sad listening to the Chipmunks singing - especially this song.
Three Little Birds
"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!
-Bob Marley
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCQFMI9UMAE
Conditioning and the Partner
"A scientist conducted an experiment. She put frog number one into a pan of very hot water. The frog jumped right out. Then she placed frog number two in a pan of cool water. This frog didn't jump out. Very gradually, the scientist raised the temperature of teh water. The frog gradually adapted until it boiled to death."
- Anonymous
- Anonymous
Monday, February 8, 2010
By Any Means Necessary
Well, so far I'd call my husband's visitations disastrous, at least with my daughter.
She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.
It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.
I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.
He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.
My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)
They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.
What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.
She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.
I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.
He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.
I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.
He continued to text me. I ignored him.
We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.
He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.
I just want peace, for myself and for my children.
She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.
It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.
I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.
He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.
My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)
They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.
What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.
She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.
I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.
He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.
I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.
He continued to text me. I ignored him.
We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.
He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.
I just want peace, for myself and for my children.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Until you do right by me...
He laugh. Who you think you is? He say. You can’t curse nobody. Look at you. You black, you poor, you ugly, you a woman. Goddam, he say, you nothing at all.
Until you do right by me, I say, everything you even dream about will fail. I give it to him straight, just like it come to me. And it seem to come to me from the trees.
Whoever heard of such a thing, say Mr.___. I probably didn’t whup your ass enough.
Every lick you hit me you will suffer twice, I say. Then I say, You better stop talking because all I’m telling you ain’t coming just from me. Look like when I open my mouth the air rush in and shape words.
Shit, he say. I should have lock you up. Just let you out to work.
The jail you plan for me is the one in which you will rot, I say.
Shug come over to where us talking. She take one look at my face and say Celie! Then she turn to Mr.___. Stop Albert, she say. Don’t say no more. You just going to make it harder on yourself.
I’ll fix her wagon! Say Mr.____, and spring toward me.
A dust devil flew up on the porch between us, fill my mouth with dirt. The dirt say, Anything you do to me, already done to you.
Then I feel Shug shake me. Celie, she say. And I come to myself.
I’m poor, I’m black, I may be ugly and can’t cook, a voice say to everything listening. But I’m here.
-Alice Walker, The Color Purple (p.176)
New Day
Yesterday was a bad day all around. My dad threw a late birthday party for me so my sister could make it down from Seattle.
I ended up crying all afternoon. I did not feel like going to a party or getting dressed for a party. I waited until 15 minutes before I absolutely had to leave and put some clothes on.
My dad made me a picture CD as we were leaving and when we got home I looked at it. I will not be posting any pictures of me from that night on our family blog. I looked terrible. It was such a contrast from the Christmas pictures he also gave me on the disk. I looked like I had aged 10 years. My face was worn and my body just looks puffy.
It was good to be around my family and to get the kids back.
Midway through dinner, my daughter threw a fit and I had to remove her from the table. We went into my dad's bedroom where she continued to scream loudly. She said she just wanted to be with me and that she just wanted to be at home. She kept saying she did not want to be with her dad.
I know that she loves her dad and it is good for her to spend time with him. But I think it was too long of a day for her age, especially considering how much time she has spent with him previously. It sounds like they did have fun and all went well, but I think they need to gradually work up to spending time together.
I talked to my husband about it and we are trying to work out a compromise. Today, we are heading to church and my husband will meet us there. That was something that I added into our temporary agreement. I feel that the church is a very positive force in the children's life and I want them to continue to get that support every week.
Hopefully in time, we will work into an easier existence. Right now, everything seems very hard.
My daughter woke up in a very sweet mood this morning and it was very precious to lay in bed with her and hold her for about a half an hour before we all got up. She is still young enough that she has all her baby fat so she is very cuddly.
My son doesn't usually like to be held anymore but last night he let me hold him while he was falling asleep. However sad I may be feeling I know that this divorce will be harder on them than anyone else, so I want them to always know how much they are cherished and loved.
I ended up crying all afternoon. I did not feel like going to a party or getting dressed for a party. I waited until 15 minutes before I absolutely had to leave and put some clothes on.
My dad made me a picture CD as we were leaving and when we got home I looked at it. I will not be posting any pictures of me from that night on our family blog. I looked terrible. It was such a contrast from the Christmas pictures he also gave me on the disk. I looked like I had aged 10 years. My face was worn and my body just looks puffy.
It was good to be around my family and to get the kids back.
Midway through dinner, my daughter threw a fit and I had to remove her from the table. We went into my dad's bedroom where she continued to scream loudly. She said she just wanted to be with me and that she just wanted to be at home. She kept saying she did not want to be with her dad.
I know that she loves her dad and it is good for her to spend time with him. But I think it was too long of a day for her age, especially considering how much time she has spent with him previously. It sounds like they did have fun and all went well, but I think they need to gradually work up to spending time together.
I talked to my husband about it and we are trying to work out a compromise. Today, we are heading to church and my husband will meet us there. That was something that I added into our temporary agreement. I feel that the church is a very positive force in the children's life and I want them to continue to get that support every week.
Hopefully in time, we will work into an easier existence. Right now, everything seems very hard.
My daughter woke up in a very sweet mood this morning and it was very precious to lay in bed with her and hold her for about a half an hour before we all got up. She is still young enough that she has all her baby fat so she is very cuddly.
My son doesn't usually like to be held anymore but last night he let me hold him while he was falling asleep. However sad I may be feeling I know that this divorce will be harder on them than anyone else, so I want them to always know how much they are cherished and loved.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Your Wound Grows and Grows
Today has been rough.
I have rarely been apart from my children for a full-day, let alone to have them spend the day alone with their father. He arrived 25 minutes late. I decided I need to accept that he will just always be late.
It was hard for me to let them go this morning. My sister and her boyfriend are here visiting from Seattle, so I spent the first hour with them in my home. They headed downtown, my sister for a meeting and her boyfriend to shop. She said I could go with her boyfriend, but I decided to stay home.
About an hour ago, I competely lost it and started sobbing. It hit me that I have always been working or watching the kids in these last 3 years. I have had very little idle time. When I have felt like crying, I have stopped myself and said, I don't have time for this.
I decided today that I should use these times for my own healing. There has been no real time to grieve, and I need that.
I spoke to my husband and told him some of how I feel. I said it is easy for you because you always have your father to bail you out. But I have to start over with nothing and this has ruined me.
It infuriates me that he is still so flip about everything. He does not take responsiblity for the mess he has made of our lives. It is never a big deal to him. He keeps saying that soon things will be better, and I reminded him today that he has been saying that for 3 years.
He started to say that he will be making so much money and blah blah blah....I told him that doesn't help ME.
I am devastated that he has been so competely careless with my life. Not only with my financial well-being but by driving drunk and having unprotected sex. It hurts that after carrying both of his children that I have meant so little to him.
I have always believed in justice and in karma. I have done nothing to deserve this.
It hurts.
I feel very raw. I feel like I am suffocatinng underneath the weight of a giant piano squishing my chest.
My husband told me it hurt him to hear me cry like this - but he will never see that he caused my pain.
I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.
Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?
-Hoda Al-Namani
I realized that there are a lot of things I could do right now to numb myself - whether it be working hard or starting to date. But I really need to deal with all of this before I move on to anything else.
I need to heal.
I have rarely been apart from my children for a full-day, let alone to have them spend the day alone with their father. He arrived 25 minutes late. I decided I need to accept that he will just always be late.
It was hard for me to let them go this morning. My sister and her boyfriend are here visiting from Seattle, so I spent the first hour with them in my home. They headed downtown, my sister for a meeting and her boyfriend to shop. She said I could go with her boyfriend, but I decided to stay home.
About an hour ago, I competely lost it and started sobbing. It hit me that I have always been working or watching the kids in these last 3 years. I have had very little idle time. When I have felt like crying, I have stopped myself and said, I don't have time for this.
I decided today that I should use these times for my own healing. There has been no real time to grieve, and I need that.
I spoke to my husband and told him some of how I feel. I said it is easy for you because you always have your father to bail you out. But I have to start over with nothing and this has ruined me.
It infuriates me that he is still so flip about everything. He does not take responsiblity for the mess he has made of our lives. It is never a big deal to him. He keeps saying that soon things will be better, and I reminded him today that he has been saying that for 3 years.
He started to say that he will be making so much money and blah blah blah....I told him that doesn't help ME.
I am devastated that he has been so competely careless with my life. Not only with my financial well-being but by driving drunk and having unprotected sex. It hurts that after carrying both of his children that I have meant so little to him.
I have always believed in justice and in karma. I have done nothing to deserve this.
It hurts.
I feel very raw. I feel like I am suffocatinng underneath the weight of a giant piano squishing my chest.
My husband told me it hurt him to hear me cry like this - but he will never see that he caused my pain.
I draw halos around you, as if you are the foe, as
if you are the Messiah. If you were alone, I tell you, I would
prostrate myself you you. If just ten, I would hide you in my lungs.
Since you are a thousand, I shall give you to drink from my blood. Your wound grows and grows.
it slits my throat from vein to vein. I put sand in your
wound. I put your wound in a giant, and around myself I
light the fire.
Who are you, that I should love you in the space I love you, in
the wound?
-Hoda Al-Namani
I realized that there are a lot of things I could do right now to numb myself - whether it be working hard or starting to date. But I really need to deal with all of this before I move on to anything else.
I need to heal.
Fools
I saw this quote the other day and it reminded me so much of my late grandfather. I never saw him argue with anyone. Even when provoked, he was cool as a cucumber.
"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
-Doris M. Smith
"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."
-Doris M. Smith
Friday, February 5, 2010
Insanity
My husband called me upset today because he has been reading the blog again.
I don't know how many times he will tell me he will stop reading it, only to read it again.
It doesn't really bother me any more, aside from the integrity aspect. How can I trust a man with my children when he seems to be incapable of keeping his word on basic things?
I told him he should start his own blog if he wants to tell his side of the story.
Last night, one of his "friends" from Betty Ford contacted me and said he needed to talk to me about my husband. I am really tired of all the drama.
I told my husband, never in our marriage has someone contacted you about anything that I have done. It just made me feel dirty.
I am really sick of addicts in general and ended up telling the guy off. Leave it to an addict to only think about himself and not worry about his "friends" wife and children.
I don't know what he wants to talk to me about and I don't care anymore. My heart was racing a million miles an hour last night wondering what else was next.
I finally realized, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with me anymore.
Tonight my husband called me again and I really couldn't tell what he was getting at so I said, well, have a good night.
He said something about me wanting to get off the phone with him so I said, I don't know what else to say to you.
So he said, how about I love you and I made a huge mistake?!
What??!! Are you serious??!! What mistake did I make?
He said not trying to work things out with me.
So I just said, OK, talk to you tomorrow.
He told me this was "my last chance" and that he wasn't going to ask me again. "If you want to you're going to have to come to me!"
I don't know how many times he will tell me he will stop reading it, only to read it again.
It doesn't really bother me any more, aside from the integrity aspect. How can I trust a man with my children when he seems to be incapable of keeping his word on basic things?
I told him he should start his own blog if he wants to tell his side of the story.
Last night, one of his "friends" from Betty Ford contacted me and said he needed to talk to me about my husband. I am really tired of all the drama.
I told my husband, never in our marriage has someone contacted you about anything that I have done. It just made me feel dirty.
I am really sick of addicts in general and ended up telling the guy off. Leave it to an addict to only think about himself and not worry about his "friends" wife and children.
I don't know what he wants to talk to me about and I don't care anymore. My heart was racing a million miles an hour last night wondering what else was next.
I finally realized, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with me anymore.
Tonight my husband called me again and I really couldn't tell what he was getting at so I said, well, have a good night.
He said something about me wanting to get off the phone with him so I said, I don't know what else to say to you.
So he said, how about I love you and I made a huge mistake?!
What??!! Are you serious??!! What mistake did I make?
He said not trying to work things out with me.
So I just said, OK, talk to you tomorrow.
He told me this was "my last chance" and that he wasn't going to ask me again. "If you want to you're going to have to come to me!"
Something is very wrong here
I am highly annoyed this morning.
There are 5 days off for my children in February that I know of so far, in addition to the sick days they have already have had and probably will have.
Usually I enjoy these days with my kids, but today I only feel stressed out. My son is here with me at my office. This morning he asked for yet another thing that I could not afford to buy him. I'm tired of always saying "We can't afford that."
The kids told me they like to be with their dad because they can have as much ice cream and yummy food as they want. He also has more money to buy them whatever they want. I really resent the position I am in now. I feel like my husband fucked us financially and now I am taking the brunt of it. I barely have enough money to cover our basic needs, let alone buy anything extra for the kids or myself.
My husband and I do not see eye to eye on buying things for the kids. I believe in one gift on Christmas and one gift on birthdays. I buy very few extras. The kids have a lot of family that buy them things, so it's not like they are wanting for anything.
I don't think buying kids excessive toys or treats helps them in any way. So many kids grow up now and get into heavy debt because they never learn how to save for things or weigh whether they really need to buy something.
I believe if the kids want something that is over and above a basic need, they should have to earn it. I always ask my son if he would like to buy it with his own money. We go through how much the item costs and how many weeks worth of allowance it would take the purchase the item. Most of the time, after thinking about it, he does not want the item that badly.
I don't want my kids to grow up with my husband's excessiveness or entitlement issues. I feel like it has caused both him and our family a lot of problems. It is much easier to throw money at something, but it is better to spend time with children and show them boundaries and love.
I can already see the schism between us growing. Now that we are divorcing, I feel my husband will just try to buy the kids. He already tried to use that as a bargaining mechanism with me earlier this week when we were negotiating our initial settlement. He said if I wanted more money he needed to have the kids overnight. I said I would not negotiate about that. I told him the kids are not for sale.
Ironically I told his dad that same thing a few years ago.
I really feel like we have an unfair system for mothers in this country. If I woman chooses to stay home to raise her children, she is ultimately screwed if the relationship does not work. I think a lot of women stay in bad situations because they do not feel that they have choices.
I don't appreciate the way my husband acts like he's a hero every time he gives us money. I cashed in my retirement accounts before we got married because that is what needed to happen for my son to live. Meanwhile he was just off drinking and doing what he pleased. I never asked for a medal for that. I just did it, because we needed the money.
I should have done as I was advised and sued for child support the moment our son was born. I think my husband became accustom to walking all over me from the get-go. Now I just feel like I am suffocating.
"All this was summed up in Lenore Weitzman's famous statistic from The Divorce Revolution: Women with dependent children experience a 73 percent drop in standard of living after a divorce, while their ex-husbands' living standard goes up by 42 percent. The colloquial summing up is simpler: If women have young children, they are only one man away from welfare...Yet if two homemakers were to cross the street and work for each other's husbands, they would be entitled to an eight-hour day and a forty-hour week, Social Security, disability pay, and unemployment compensation - and perhaps paid vacations, transferable health benefits, and a retirement plan (not to mention a better legal safeguard against violence, which also has economic value). Something is very wrong here."
-Gloria Steinem, Moving Beyond Words, "Revaluing Economics", (220-221)
There are 5 days off for my children in February that I know of so far, in addition to the sick days they have already have had and probably will have.
Usually I enjoy these days with my kids, but today I only feel stressed out. My son is here with me at my office. This morning he asked for yet another thing that I could not afford to buy him. I'm tired of always saying "We can't afford that."
The kids told me they like to be with their dad because they can have as much ice cream and yummy food as they want. He also has more money to buy them whatever they want. I really resent the position I am in now. I feel like my husband fucked us financially and now I am taking the brunt of it. I barely have enough money to cover our basic needs, let alone buy anything extra for the kids or myself.
My husband and I do not see eye to eye on buying things for the kids. I believe in one gift on Christmas and one gift on birthdays. I buy very few extras. The kids have a lot of family that buy them things, so it's not like they are wanting for anything.
I don't think buying kids excessive toys or treats helps them in any way. So many kids grow up now and get into heavy debt because they never learn how to save for things or weigh whether they really need to buy something.
I believe if the kids want something that is over and above a basic need, they should have to earn it. I always ask my son if he would like to buy it with his own money. We go through how much the item costs and how many weeks worth of allowance it would take the purchase the item. Most of the time, after thinking about it, he does not want the item that badly.
I don't want my kids to grow up with my husband's excessiveness or entitlement issues. I feel like it has caused both him and our family a lot of problems. It is much easier to throw money at something, but it is better to spend time with children and show them boundaries and love.
I can already see the schism between us growing. Now that we are divorcing, I feel my husband will just try to buy the kids. He already tried to use that as a bargaining mechanism with me earlier this week when we were negotiating our initial settlement. He said if I wanted more money he needed to have the kids overnight. I said I would not negotiate about that. I told him the kids are not for sale.
Ironically I told his dad that same thing a few years ago.
I really feel like we have an unfair system for mothers in this country. If I woman chooses to stay home to raise her children, she is ultimately screwed if the relationship does not work. I think a lot of women stay in bad situations because they do not feel that they have choices.
I don't appreciate the way my husband acts like he's a hero every time he gives us money. I cashed in my retirement accounts before we got married because that is what needed to happen for my son to live. Meanwhile he was just off drinking and doing what he pleased. I never asked for a medal for that. I just did it, because we needed the money.
I should have done as I was advised and sued for child support the moment our son was born. I think my husband became accustom to walking all over me from the get-go. Now I just feel like I am suffocating.
"All this was summed up in Lenore Weitzman's famous statistic from The Divorce Revolution: Women with dependent children experience a 73 percent drop in standard of living after a divorce, while their ex-husbands' living standard goes up by 42 percent. The colloquial summing up is simpler: If women have young children, they are only one man away from welfare...Yet if two homemakers were to cross the street and work for each other's husbands, they would be entitled to an eight-hour day and a forty-hour week, Social Security, disability pay, and unemployment compensation - and perhaps paid vacations, transferable health benefits, and a retirement plan (not to mention a better legal safeguard against violence, which also has economic value). Something is very wrong here."
-Gloria Steinem, Moving Beyond Words, "Revaluing Economics", (220-221)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Solutions
"There are no solutions when you are focused on the negative."
- Bryon Pulsifer
Trying to stay more positive today!
- Bryon Pulsifer
Trying to stay more positive today!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Growing up Dysfunctional
Oprah did a show yesterday on the children of the woman who kidnapped and tortured Elizabeth Smart yesterday. I found it SO fascinating.
I rarely see families that are as dysfunctional as my husband's family, so this was a very interesting inside scoop for me. I wrote down some of the quotes from the show because I felt like despite the abuse they suffered, all four of the children (now grown adults) featured on the show had shown healing and responsibility for their lives.
It's hard when you've had no one to model after to build a foundation of anything.
-Andrea, Daughter of Wanda Barzee
The thing is though when you're a child when you don't get the what you need to develop you don't know you're not getting what you need to develop.
-Oprah
I had to evaluate who I was. I had to look back and say I was on the wrong path. I had to learn responsibility. And once I figured out that I had to own my mistakes it was a whole new world for me. I realized that I couldn't be a victim of my circumstance anymore. I couldn't blame my background for where I was going.
-Derrick, son of Wanda Barzee
All mammals instinctively do what is necessary to protect and care for their children. When that doesn't happen that means that something is very very wrong.
-Oprah.
My Case
My husband and I have been together almost 8 years and married for the last 4 and a half. We have been separated for the better part of 2 years.
My husband hired an attorney in June but has repeatedly told me that he wants to work this out and that he only filed so we could get marriage counseling.
I have always intended to stay in this marriage and raise our children together, as I have never believed divorce was good for children. That said, my husband was sober when we married and then relapsed, which has been completely disastrous for our entire family.
In December of 2008, I found cocaine in our home in the front closet where our then toddler daughter played. I called the police and he was arrested. He has a felony conviction for cocaine possession (Jan 2009). This initiated our initial separation.
My husband has been in rehab 2 times for total of over 5 months since 2004. His last visit was to Betty Ford 90 days in the Summer 2008
He has relapsed several times since then.
Says he is "in recovery" now but I don't trust him - do not want him driving around with my children.
He has previous DUI s and admitted to driving drunk with us in the car while he was at Betty Ford.
I also found that he had multiple affairs during our marriage in which he engaged in unprotected sex.
He stopped working for over a year after his relapse. His previous income was significant and we lived a very good lifestyle. We are struggling financially as a result and his dad has been heavily supplementing his income.
He had an OK year last year, but is starting to make very good money again.
I stopped working to care for 2 young children (3 & 6 now) - previously I also had good income, but mortgage market is also down and I have taken many years off. My husband is not giving us enough money to live on. I went back to work in September and am slowing working back up my income. But I am also fully responsible for kids 99% of the time so I am limited with what I can do. My primary “job” during our marriage was to be a homemaker. It is my desire to spend as much time with my children as possible so that they can grow up to be strong and healthy adults.
We have significant debt. We are currently trying to modify our mortgage loan.
I feel I am being forced into bankruptcy.
I believe that there are assets that my husband is hiding, but he has put me in a situation where I can barely take care of my children, let alone afford to hire an attorney.
My husband often doesn't keep his appointments with kids. Has rarely kept them overnight by himself or taken them to school. He is now saying he wants to take them overnight every other weekend - which I am no way OK with.
Our son has been in counseling 2 years.
I realize that my husband loves our children, but his actions towards myself, our children and our life as a family have often been hurtful and irrational.
I have made numerous personal sacrifices to stay in this marriage and have always tried to do the very best thing for my children, regardless of what the cost was to me. My husband and his father have done little but be hurtful and try to hide their financial resources.
It is not my intention to keep the children from their father. I realize he plays and important role in their life. But I am asking that you help me keep them safe until he has a longer-term sobriety, that is monitored by regular drug and alcohol testing.
I ask that you give me sole custody of the children, with short, weekly visits with their father as we have been doing since May.
I also ask that you award me temporary child support, alimony and money for an attorney so I can adequately defend myself.
My husband hired an attorney in June but has repeatedly told me that he wants to work this out and that he only filed so we could get marriage counseling.
I have always intended to stay in this marriage and raise our children together, as I have never believed divorce was good for children. That said, my husband was sober when we married and then relapsed, which has been completely disastrous for our entire family.
In December of 2008, I found cocaine in our home in the front closet where our then toddler daughter played. I called the police and he was arrested. He has a felony conviction for cocaine possession (Jan 2009). This initiated our initial separation.
My husband has been in rehab 2 times for total of over 5 months since 2004. His last visit was to Betty Ford 90 days in the Summer 2008
He has relapsed several times since then.
Says he is "in recovery" now but I don't trust him - do not want him driving around with my children.
He has previous DUI s and admitted to driving drunk with us in the car while he was at Betty Ford.
I also found that he had multiple affairs during our marriage in which he engaged in unprotected sex.
He stopped working for over a year after his relapse. His previous income was significant and we lived a very good lifestyle. We are struggling financially as a result and his dad has been heavily supplementing his income.
He had an OK year last year, but is starting to make very good money again.
I stopped working to care for 2 young children (3 & 6 now) - previously I also had good income, but mortgage market is also down and I have taken many years off. My husband is not giving us enough money to live on. I went back to work in September and am slowing working back up my income. But I am also fully responsible for kids 99% of the time so I am limited with what I can do. My primary “job” during our marriage was to be a homemaker. It is my desire to spend as much time with my children as possible so that they can grow up to be strong and healthy adults.
We have significant debt. We are currently trying to modify our mortgage loan.
I feel I am being forced into bankruptcy.
I believe that there are assets that my husband is hiding, but he has put me in a situation where I can barely take care of my children, let alone afford to hire an attorney.
My husband often doesn't keep his appointments with kids. Has rarely kept them overnight by himself or taken them to school. He is now saying he wants to take them overnight every other weekend - which I am no way OK with.
Our son has been in counseling 2 years.
I realize that my husband loves our children, but his actions towards myself, our children and our life as a family have often been hurtful and irrational.
I have made numerous personal sacrifices to stay in this marriage and have always tried to do the very best thing for my children, regardless of what the cost was to me. My husband and his father have done little but be hurtful and try to hide their financial resources.
It is not my intention to keep the children from their father. I realize he plays and important role in their life. But I am asking that you help me keep them safe until he has a longer-term sobriety, that is monitored by regular drug and alcohol testing.
I ask that you give me sole custody of the children, with short, weekly visits with their father as we have been doing since May.
I also ask that you award me temporary child support, alimony and money for an attorney so I can adequately defend myself.
Parenting Class
It is mandatory for both parents to attend a "parenting class" to divorce in the county we live in. I'm all for being the best you can be in anything you do, but it is starting to hit a nerve.
For one, I have already read a very inclusive book, Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, which I felt really helped me through this particular topic.
I have also been taking my son to counseling sessions nearly every week for the last 2 years. In that time, I have spent many hour-long one-on-one sessions with his counselor to help me to determine how to best parent both of my children through this separation and divorce - as well as living with my husband's addictions.
Secondly, I have the children 99% of the time. For me to go to a parenting class, I have to find someone to watch my children at the end of a long day (which is usually the most important part of our day in terms of eating dinner together, reading books, singing songs, bathing and all the other things that make up an important nightly ritual).
I thought my husband's attorney pulled a cheap shot in court yesterday when she made a point to tell the judge that I had not been to parenting class yet. First of all, I only was served the documents he filed 2 weeks ago for the divorce he filed for last June. My husband handed me off some documents in October, but has continually told me that he wants to try to work things out.
My husband's attorney failed to mention that my husband has drove drunk with our children in the car and has a felony conviction for cocaine that he left out in our home where our children play.
I suppose she had to come up with something that I have not done right these last 8 years.
My husband told me if I went to the parenting class I would know how important it is for him to spend time with the kids. Apparently, he needed to go to a class to find that out for himself.
I don't need a parenting class to tell me it's important to spend time with my kids. I've always believed that and I have always done it. I always hoped my husband would become more involved in their lives. But I have also felt the need to protect them.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Buck Up you FUCK UP
So tonight, I have to say that I am disappointed with the intial outcome of the court hearing today. I am disappointed because what I got and what I was promised were two different things. I am disappointed because I feel I have been mislead by my husband since June about his intentions. I am disappointed because I feel that I am the one who has been here doing all the work and trying to do the right thing from the get-go, and my husband has been a complete screw-off and disappointment - yet I am still the one who is getting fucked.
The judge said today that we should leave this marriage on equal footing. Right now, that is not even remotely happening. My husband did not input his accurate earnings in the calculation section. The judge said we would need to have full disclosure prior to settlement, and hopefully that will happen. Actually, I will not rest until that does happen.
I am fully aware that from the get-go, I have done 95% or more of all of the work relating to our children, cooking and our home.
For a long time, I considered that as my "job" or "contribution", and I was more than happy to do it.
But how is it that I am now supposed to do even more of the work with a very small "salary" that is now called "Alimony" and "Child Support?"
I suppose now at least I can count on my payments and do not have to (hopefully) hound my (soon to be ex) husband for money all the time to pay OUR bills.
But I will receive (thus far) no where near enough "compensation" to cover my TIME, let alone *our* expenses.
I am not satisfied with this temporary agreement. I can see now why women continually stay in bad marriages.
That said, the loser in these arrangements (whether staying or leaving) is the children.
And I suppose I could make the "choice" to work long hours and be the sole parent responsible for these children AND work 60+ hours a week, but that is not going to serve my children.
And I suppose I could "choose" to marry another man right away to take care of the three of us, but that is not going to serve my children.
What serves my children is having their father buck up and take full financial reponsibility for the children he created.
I do value my job as their mother. There is nothing in the world I would rather do.
But that does not pay the bills.
The judge said today that we should leave this marriage on equal footing. Right now, that is not even remotely happening. My husband did not input his accurate earnings in the calculation section. The judge said we would need to have full disclosure prior to settlement, and hopefully that will happen. Actually, I will not rest until that does happen.
I am fully aware that from the get-go, I have done 95% or more of all of the work relating to our children, cooking and our home.
For a long time, I considered that as my "job" or "contribution", and I was more than happy to do it.
But how is it that I am now supposed to do even more of the work with a very small "salary" that is now called "Alimony" and "Child Support?"
I suppose now at least I can count on my payments and do not have to (hopefully) hound my (soon to be ex) husband for money all the time to pay OUR bills.
But I will receive (thus far) no where near enough "compensation" to cover my TIME, let alone *our* expenses.
I am not satisfied with this temporary agreement. I can see now why women continually stay in bad marriages.
That said, the loser in these arrangements (whether staying or leaving) is the children.
And I suppose I could make the "choice" to work long hours and be the sole parent responsible for these children AND work 60+ hours a week, but that is not going to serve my children.
And I suppose I could "choose" to marry another man right away to take care of the three of us, but that is not going to serve my children.
What serves my children is having their father buck up and take full financial reponsibility for the children he created.
I do value my job as their mother. There is nothing in the world I would rather do.
But that does not pay the bills.
Bad things come in 3's
My husband and I went back and forth yesterday about the temporary divorce agreement, but were never able to agree on anything. I told him I would not budge about letting the kids spend the night with him and that was non-negotiable.
I found out about 4pm I needed to be in court the next day. I still have no attorney. I can not afford one.
I think I now know why my husband was playing the I want to work things out game. If I had sold my rings, I would have had the money to pay for at least some representation. And had his story been told in court today, it would have resulted in a different outcome.
In any case, the kids and I had agreed to go to my ex-husband's house for dinner last night and I'm glad we did. My former husband is still out of the country. His wife made a very hearty Lebanese meal and I left well-fortified in mind, body and spirit.
I was able to see some of their pictures from their recent trip to Lebanon and she gave me copies of my favorite ones. It meant so much to me because my old photo album was stolen years ago and I have very few pictures of my former father-in-law, who I adore.
I stashed the pictures in my purse and took them to court with me today for good luck. I also wore the ring his sister bought for me when I went to Lebanon. It is traditional to buy the bride gold. In times of financial hardship, the woman then has her gold to sell, so it is considered a sort of financial security. (And gold is very easy to buy and sell in Lebanon.) I have never been able to bring myself to sell the gold from his family. It is very sentimental to me. I know that was money that did not come easy for them. I remember going with them to pick out what I liked and feeling very guilty about their purchases. They were gifts that involved sacrifice.
That said, I wish I had more of a Lebanese attitude towards my own jewelry. I am extremely sentimental. It has always been hard for me to let go.
While I was visiting with L, I noticed I had a missed call from my dad. I knew he was away on business so I figured it was urgent. I checked my message and it was vague, asking me to call him right away.
As it turns out, his mother is not doing well. Her heart is very bad.
L offered to keep my kids for me so I could go be with her. I decided to call first because my Nano loves my kids. She wanted to see them, so we all rushed over.
She told me she was so hungry for some fried chicken and that I am the only person who can make it the way she likes it. I have my great, great-grandmother's recipe and she taught me to make it as a teenager. I really didn't master it until a few years ago. You'd think fried chicken would be easy, but it's really an art.
We stopped on the way home to 2 markets to find the kind of chicken she likes. I soaked it in buttermilk overnight and woke up at 5:30 this morning to fry it all. I figured I would make some bacon too for my kids while I was up and also made some for my Nano because she had said a few weeks ago she missed that too.
My son woke up with a double ear infection and I decided he probably needed to go to the doctor for antibiotics. I called and made him a 10am appointment to see my pediatrician since birth. It was nice to get a hug from him this morning. My mom joined us at the visit to take him so I could make it to work and court.
Prior to that, we visited my Nano and got a key so she wouldn't have to get out of bed to open the door for us. She was really thrilled with the fried chicken - and I made her some coffee and toast to go with her bacon for breakfast.
I'm really glad we got that visit in. Last night was very difficult with both children there. My daughter was very restless and unruly. I felt like we got a good visit in this morning. I don't know how much time is left, so today meant a lot to me.
We had all asked her to come home with us last night but she wanted to stay in her own bed. She commented again about how sad it was that J's aunt had died alone. That is still unbelievable in our family. I hope that my Nano realizes how much we all love her and never feels alone in her death.
I really got upset with my husband last night around all of this. I feel like because of his relapse I have not been able to be there for my family in the way that I would like to be. I told him I am always working and with the kids and there is no time left for my grandmas. I really resent it.
My Nano was always there for me and I hope to be there for her til the end.
At 1pm I met my husband and his attorney at the courthouse. I do not feel happy about the financial agreement at all, but I felt like I did not have other options. I told the judge I could not afford an attorney. His attorney told me this is temporary, but somehow I feel like this is very unfair.
But the most important thing to me was that I do not want my children spending the night with their dad until their is a proven, long-term track record of sobriety. And that was accomplished.
I had prepared a statement to read to the judge if I needed to, and perhaps I should have. But I will wait to see how the mediation goes and pray for the best.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Losing it
This morning was terrible. I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up not feeling good. I got myself ready and woke up the kids. Usually they can get themselves mostly ready so I instructed them on what needed to be done. I came downstairs ready to go, and both of them were still in their pajamas watching TV. It almost seems funny now, but I was not happy then.
Neither of them had eaten or done anything. We usually watch very little TV during the week, but since my son was sick over the weekend, we did a lot of lounging in front of the TV. So while our rule is usually no TV before school, I think they were just thinking today was just an extension of the weekend. But we did not have time for TV this morning, and we ended up being late.
In the moment, everything felt like too much for me. I am glad I have my kids and I love being with them. But it is stressful being in charge of everything, worrying about money and keeping on top of my regular (commission-only) job. I burst into tears and cried most of the way to school.
My husband had asked me about having sex the night before. I decided not to respond to his last text, but I think it was eating at me.
We have not had sex since last March. Between his relapse, drinking, verbal abuse, lies and more lies, doing all the work around the house and with the kids, finding out he had multiple unprotected sex-partners...I really lost interest.
So when he asked me over the phone last night I told him - for me to even consider it, you would have to get tested and we would have to do some serious counseling.
Which he responded later by text, "I deserve some of your attention if you want to be married to me."
So this morning, I lost it on him.
You have a real problem with entitlement. I told you what my boundaries are and what would need to happen.
You never think you have to do those things. It is always about your needs.
I have more than my share on my plate besides having to worry about you double dipping.
I am not your whore. You don't get to go out and fuck all the women you want and then have me. It doesn't work that way.
You do not help with the day-to-day and the kids and I are continually broke.
Try finding a women who thinks that's sexy.
It's not enough for you that the weight of all the stress you have caused will shorten my life.
You'd also like me to expose myself to AIDS or whatever else you might have.
After all that, we were able to have a somewhat better conversation over the phone. Today we are drafting our temporary agreement and it sounds like we are at least making some progress there.
I also told him he needs to watch the Ted Haggard interview on Oprah. At least that guy, however you might think of him, said something I found really valid. He talked about how it was HIS responsibility to make his wife feel at ease with him and that HE needed to earn back her trust by going over and beyond what she would even request of him.
Which seems like common sense - but not something you usually hear from men like him.
I gave both of my children giant hugs today before I dropped them off at school. I hope they know how much I love them. I know it upset them to see me cry. I told them sometimes, mommies have really hard days too and that I was sorry.
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