Thursday, June 17, 2010

Pain and Closure

I finally got my divorce papers this morning and it looks like everything will be done next week. There are a lot of errors and things that aren't exactly what I want them to be, but at this point, I just want to be legally divorced. It sounds like the errors will mostly be corrected in the next few days, so that should improve things somewhat.

I am very frustrated and aggravated. I had to go to the doctor the other day for severe abdominal pain. I spent several hours there with both my children, getting tests and x-rays. I think we have figured out what is wrong, but I am still in a lot of pain. I don't check my home voicemail often, but last night I did after dinner. There was a frantic call from my doctor late that evening after the visit saying that he felt horrible because he had forgotten to give me my prescription. It was a little chaotic there in his office with young children waiting for hours. I had to leave them alone when I went to get my x-rays and they went a little nuts.

The kids and I went in to get that last night and I think it is helping. But I am just in a sad and pissy mood. After we returned home my sister called to let me know that one of my uncles from her side of the family had passed. It happened to be my favorite uncle, and unfortunately one that I had put off seeing because of the difficulties I've had with my step father.

We have been slowing healing our relationship, but I have a lot of sadness that I did not reach out to my uncle before he passed. The strain in the relationship had nothing to do with him - he was always so kind to me. My children never met him. I have stayed away from his family since his divorce with my mother, largely for self-preservation. They had 15 children in that family and there were many people that I loved and felt close to. I'm sure that no one can begin to imagine why I have stayed away all these years. It was a difficult thing for me, but I can't really see it any other way. I needed to build up strength and healing in myself. I just wish it had happened sooner.

I am looking forward to a point where things are easier and I have some closure. I see that happening soon on many fronts, so I am happy for that. I just need to take it a day at a time.

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

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