Friday, June 25, 2010


I think one thing that kept me in my marriage for long is that I have always craved stability. Being the child of divorce, I often didn't feel like I had that. My father is a very stable, caring person - and so were his parents. My mother was both a wonderful mother and an unpredictable one. With age, this has become much better and our relationship now is very good.

I think moving back and forth between my parents homes was very hard on me. I have always just wanted to be settled in one place. I would be very happy to just buy a home and live there for the rest of my life. I don't have a special attachment to this house, but it is all my children have really known.

The other night, one of the men in my church group was talking about his own divorce and the effects on his children. He said the most stressful thing for children after a death of a close family member was actually moving. He gave some interesting examples from his own life.

That reinforced what I have been thinking about this house. I think we will likely have to move soon and I have been preparing myself and the kids for that time. But it seems like things are already so unsettling for them - and me - now that that may really do a number on all of us.

I am glad that I have the summer to spend with them. I really want to work on making them feel safe, loved and secure. My biggest fear about going back to work is that I know my time with them will be much more limited. But I am hoping over the summer we can build back up a strong foundation - and I know my family and people at church will be a great help with that as well.

My ex tries to guilt me about spending time by myself or with friends - but we all need that. I am grateful that both my mother and father help a lot with the kids and provide another source of stability and love.


  1. Things I learned from my divorce....

    Kids don't care where they live as long as it's with their parent or parents.

    When they become teens they just want to stay in one place so as to be close to their friends.

    Holing up at home to take care of your kids, when they are young, will eventually wear you down, but you do it anyway because you don't want them to feel any worse then they already do.

    When the other parent or my family had our children for the weekend or an over-night, it was the only time I felt relaxed and could spend time with friends or go out.

    I let my guilt over the divorce affect me too much. I had a hard time being firm with my kids or relaxing.

    Depression is normal after a divorce.

    Co-parenting with your ex is worse if you didn't get along during the marriage, or share similar parenting styles and skills then.

    Being in a new relationship with children is hard work.

    You need time to just be, breath and enjoy the simple things in life like peace and quiet and relaxation.

    Time with family and friends that make you feel safe and you can be yourself is also important.

    Getting out, going to work, blogging, etc helps distract you from down times.

    Spirituality, being authentic and just learning to be yourself again is essential to recovery.