Pain

I have been in more pain this week than I have been for quite some time.

It is a reminder of the place I was several years ago. Pain is an indicator of something not being right, or in my case, being very wrong.

I had a horrible ordeal with my ex last Saturday. He refused to bring the children home. I believed he was drunk. He was beligerent. I got into it with my former father-in-law, who I rarely engage with whatsoever. (I was desperate, but this is never a good person for me to talk to for any reason. His response: "I'm sorry you're having a bad day.")

I called the police and long-story-short, the kids came home several hours later. But we were all traumatized by the experience.

The next day, I was in a daze and the kids were a mess. We went to the beach to get some air.

The 4 days following I have had a migraine and bladder infection that will not leave.

I have done accupuncture, meditation, Yoga and chiropractic care with massage. At the chiropractor, they asked me if I had been in a car accident. That was a wake up call for me.

I looked up my conditions in Heal Your Life and found them very interesting:

Bladder Problems:
Probable Cause: Anxiety. Holding on to old ideas. Fear of letting go. Being pissed off.
New Thought Pattern: I comfortably and easily release the old and welcome the new in my life. I am safe.

Back Problems:
Probable Cause: Stuck in all taht stuff back there. "Get off my back."
New Thought Pattern: I release the past. I am free to move forward with love in my heart.

In any case, I have realized that I can not go on like this. It is completely dehibilitating. I am glad I am out of my day-to-day situation of living with an addict. But when you have kids, you are stuck with that person, to some extent, forever.

I have learned that there is no point in arguing with my ex. It never goes anywhere. It is never fruitful. It is always completely exhausting.

The best times are when I completely ignore him. The days in between visits when there is no contact are the best.

But I need to find heathier ways to not engage and to remind myself to breathe - deeply - when things are beginning to escalate instead of spiralling out of control in hysteria. My body can not take it anymore.

This has been a terrible week in many ways, but I do think I have finally felt the strong connection between engaging with my ex (for any reason) and my overall health. If I want to have the kind of life I desire, I can't engage anymore.