Finding Love

I have found love.

I have been very hesitant to write about it here because my ex still reads the blog and tends to manipulate my words to serve his own interests.

So this post has been a long time coming.

I don't want to get into the specifics of the relationship so much.

But what I will say is this: It is possible to have a loving and peaceful relationship. When there is constant arguing and drama, it is a sign that the relationship is not right.

It is possible to be in a relationship without constant arguing. It is possible to have a disagreement and handle it completely peacefully and lovingly. It is possible that the person is not being manipulative or trying to hurt you knowingly and hurts when they hurt you unknowingly. It is possible to be completely wide-open for someone and not have them use it against you later.

These things may seem obvious, but they were totally out of my radar when I was in relationship to my ex. It was so off-balance and dysfunctional that I completely lost my grounding. My only really strong example of love in my life was my paternal grandparents, who were married lovingly for 64 years. I think if I had not had that example, I would never have found my way back to a good relationship. They were my guiding star, and I believe they sent me an angel in the form of the man I am with now.

Sometimes it takes a few relationships that don't work to realize what you do want.

Several years ago, I began composing a list of everything I wanted in a partner. There were approximately 25 things on the list, some very serious, some a bit more trivial.

I knew right away when I found my love that he was the one because he already possessed every one of these qualities. There was nothing I had to compromise on or think that maybe I could change. He was already the complete man I was desiring.

When I was going through my certification process with Imagine a Woman, there was a segment on relationships. I think it was one of the best things I have ever seen on relationships, so I will post it here. It was such a moment of clarity for me, and it was so simple - just noticing how you felt in someones presence.

Noticing Feelings
After each encounter with a new friend or potential lover, ask yourself:

1. “How did I feel in his/her presence?”
Underline or highlight the words that best describe your feelings.
“I felt ______ in his/her presence today.”

excited
turned on
challenged
opened
energized
comfortable
tender
free to be me
light
unburdened
joyful
satisfied
content
vulnerable
accepted
loved
understood
welcomed
celebrated
supported
vibrant
expressive
aroused
enlarged

---

fearful
restrained
cautious
on guard
misunderstood
scrutinized
judged
criticized
defensive
angry
argumentative
ignored
invisible
resistant
shut down
numb
anxious
nervous
overwhelmed
shamed
awkward
insecure
depleted
overshadowed

- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Imagine a Woman Empowerment Program, Fundamentals VI
Relationships From the Inside Out

For the first time, I feel only what is in the top section. In my past relationships, it was usually a mix of both - or in the case of my ex-addict-husband, it was only the bottom portion of the list.

I write this to give hope to every woman out there who feels stuck in a bad relationship. Sometimes as women I think its very difficult for us to give up even a very bad relationship. It is so ingrained in us from childhood that a relationship is a primary thing that gives us value.

When we realign with our feelings, we know what is right for us when it comes.


“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.” Dr, Joyce Brothers.