Bankruptcy

I went in to sign my bankruptcy papers this morning. It was very difficult for me. I did not want to get out of bed this morning.

I told my ex that his dad was a cheap mother fucker and I hoped his money flames the fires of hell when he gets there.

It makes me sick that he and his family could pay off this debt, but they won't. For Republicans, they are always there with their hands out - sending their son to the State Mental hospital, asking for money to help pay for rehab, shirking this debt...

All of them make me sick. My ex hates it when I compare him to his father or his family, but they are all the same to me. In fact, he is becoming more and more like his father.

I woke up with a terrible stabbing pain in my back. I'm not sure what I did - my chiropractor thinks I slipped off my pillow or something. After I signed, they worked on me for about an hour - and I have to go back for more.

I seem to take my angst out on my body. I felt strangely calm while I was there. I know a lot of people are thinking of and praying for me. This is never a choice I would have made. I keep remembering my ex saying, "$100,000 just isn't that much money to me..."

The amount of debt to be discharged is $169,000. A hell of a lot of money to anyone sane.

My ex tried to make it out all positive like I will be starting over. I told him it didn't seem that way when this will be on my record for 10 years.

I am really sickened by his lack of responsibility in all of this. The lesson I learned is I will never entrust my finances to someone else. I knew he was being reckless. I just didn't think it was up to me because he was bringing in so much money. Legally though, that money was half mine - and the debt is too. I am leaving this marriage much worse than I came in, and that really stinks. But at least I am out.

Force

Today is my husband's birthday. We had a busy day planned but agreed that he would come and get the kids for a few hours. He wanted to take them to lunch and then to see his parents.

My daughter had been dreading this all day. When my husband arrived, he tried to force the issue.

I told him my grandmother had a suggestion. Our daughter is still very young. Forcing her at this age will only make things worse. Take it slow - let her work into it. She's still very young to go with him alone - when she is ready, she will want to. Right now, if she doesn't want to go, just take the boy.

I thought this made a lot of sense. My grandmother had 5 kids and many grandchildren. I respect her.

But for an hour, my husband continued to push my daughter, taking her several times anyway from me, with her kicking and screaming.

I tried to speak reasonably with him. He just doesn't seem to understand. He just wanted to keep standing there and debating it.

He had also arrived late, so by then it was 2pm and none of us had eaten lunch. I told him that in and of itself was not a good thing for any of us.

Our son had gotten in the car, but after 15 minutes of that, he ran out and stood by my daughter and I. He had decided that he did not want to go either.

I felt sorry for my husband. It was his birthday. I know his dad will give him hell, which probably put more pressure on him. But I do not believe forcing the kids to go with him is good for anyone.

He still believes it is - and called me afterwards to continue the argument. I told him I'd like to see our son's counselor together and get her professional opinion. He agreed to go, but continued to badger me.

I told him I had to go.

My life continues to get better and better as I focus on other things. But these arguments are very draining. I still have a lot to do for a fundraiser today, but quite honestly, I don't feel like doing a damned thing.

I guess that will probably be the best medicine for me. Seems like that is usually the case.

My Father-in-Law

The kids are going to see my father-in-law tonight for dinner with my husband. I have been thinking about this since yesterday because this would usually upset me.

But the divorce is nearly over and it seems so is most of the sting of our relationship.

I've realized that the hardest thing for me to accept about my father-in-law was how he treated me as a daughter-in-law.

He didn't treat me the way I would ever want to treat my daughter-in-law. And I had high expectations based on my relationship with my first father-in-law in Lebanon.

But removing this title of "Father-in-Law" from him, seems to have lowered my expectations for him.

I can look at him as just a man, instead of my father-in-law. And somehow, that makes a huge difference for me.

More specifically, he is the grandfather of my children, and that makes me want a better relationship for their sake.

Control

Things seem to be moving along fairly well with the divorce. My husband and I have been getting along somewhat better as we begin to separate things out day-by-day. A friend who was divorced fairly recently and has a daughter told me once we finalize things, we will be able to get along better. Now is the tough part.

I am hopeful that will happen.

I have a Parenting Class tonight for 4 hours and mediation Thursday morning.

The issues that I need to practice acceptance on are in protecting my children. I don't know how to do that because I am hyper-sensitive about that. I don't see how I can accept unacceptable circumstances for them. I don't have a lot of peace around that because my husband has not shown behavior that leads me to believe my children are safe around him emotionally or physically.

This morning, he called me to let me know his dad would be joining him when he picked up the kids. He only has them for a 3-hour slot, but I find myself aggitated and worried. My father-in-law is not someone I want my children around. He is a mean and abusive man.

We texted back and forth after a curt phone conversation and I am trying to let it go.

My husband wants the kids to see his dad. I believe that is only because he thinks he will get something financially out of it, which he actually pretty much said over the phone.

The bottom line is I don't have any control over the situation. Unless a judge rules that his dad can not see the kids, my husband can make that choice during his time with the kids.

I told him how I feel about it. I have been telling him for at least 3 years. He does not care what I think about it. He is going to do what he wants to do.

The sad thing is that I was in a fantastic mood this morning - until I spoke to my husband. I let that ruin my mood.

I need to stop doing that, whether it is by not talking to him or just not getting so upset. I still take a lot of things personally.

Busted

This is not a happy day for me.

Last night, I was checking my Facebook account when I saw something pop up that two of my friends had been tagged in a picture. Usually I wouldn't probably have taken notice, but for whatever it intrigued me and I clicked on the link.

The picture was of my husband and one of his "friend" both with a glass of wine in their hands. My husband's eyes look messed up. It occurred to me that while I drink, you would be hard-pressed to find a picture of me where my eyes look like this.

There have been so many signs of my husband's drinking - for months, if not years.

I have always been made out to be the "crazy" one. My husband always denies everything. I have smelled alcohol on his breath, he is late, the finances are a mess, he doesn't show up for things....

All the signs have been there. But to see this picture, was just a hard slap in the face. I felt like I had been knocked down to my knees.

The picture was taken last July, weeks after our camping trip with his AA group. This is significant because my husband has been announcing his AA sobriety birthday as January of 2009. Obviously, that is not the case.

At first, I felt somewhat vindicated. The reason for our separation last May was because he did not come home all night long. A few weeks after that, he missed our daughter's 3rd birthday entirely.

I told his family that I thought he was drinking and gave them my reasons why. That birthday party was actually the last day I saw his aunt alive. She was clearly upset. But later, his dad sided with my husband, and I suppose the rest of the family did too.

My father-in-law told me, maybe if you were nicer to your husband, he would come home more often.

It occurred to me last night to send this picture off to my father-in-law, but I have come to realize he can not help me anymore.

All these years, he has disabled him. My father-in-law has too much vested in believing that his son is right, and I am wrong.

It really saddens me that after all of these rehabs, AA and everything else that my husband is still not sober. I have always rooted for him, even if I was not able to stand by him anymore. I have been angry, so angry - but now I am just sad.

This is my children's father. And whatever pain he has caused me, there is no way that I can replace their daddy.

Pathetic

Tonight I am reeling after a day full if reeling.

My husband filed for divorce in June 2009. I was served papers on in late January. We went to court in early February.

I received paperwork from his very expensive attorney (I can not afford representation) late last week. There was a small font portion of the documents that said if I did not respond within 30 days of being served, the case would automatically be won by him.

This was after picking up my daughter for him, as he was unable to do it.

I asked my husband about this and he said I had nothing to worry about. He said he called his attorney and she affirmed that I had already appeared in the case and did not need to do anything further.

Being that my husband has proven to be a habitual liar, I decided to go to the courthouse myself with my own document to respond.

I waited and waited in a second line after security check line. It was hot and I ended up taking my coat off. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. My heart was beating faster and faster and the line seemed to never move.

After about 45-minutes of waiting, I finally got to a clerk and asked if my document would work. Her face fell. She told me no. She looked up my information and saw when I was served and when I was expected to respond and her jaw kept dropping.

She said that I did in fact need to appear or the case would be decided for as my husbands attorney had written it, which includes joint custody of our children. It also includes his delusional attempt of portraying his income, which will determine child support and spousal support. I started crying as I told her my husband is an addict and I could not let that happen.

She gave me the proper forms to file and a waiver form for the $300+ filing fee. I spent the afternoon filling it out and will spend the night collecting all the necessary documents after the children go to sleep to file my response properly tomorrow.

Thank God for intuition. I still have to say it hurts. After all I have suffered with my husband I was still gullible enough to believe him. I was still gullible enough to believe he wanted the best for me and the kids. I was still gullible enough to believe he wanted to work this out amicably.

I should not be surprised that this was the woman that my father-in-law hired however. And it will be a long time before I believe another word that comes out of my husband's mouth.

Children and Drugs

I talked to an old friend at a business lunch today about finding cocaine in my home and my father-in-law's response. His partner responded with a story about his cousin, who became a meth addict. She overdosed in her home while alone with her 2-year-old daughter. It was 2 days before someone finally realized something was wrong. They found her in pretty bad condition, with her dead mother on the bathroom floor.

The partner told me that he was really glad I had called the police and that he believed I had made the right decision. He was also the father of a 3 and 6-year-old and he said he would do the same thing, even if it were his wife.

Here is the poem I wrote for my father-in-law. He responded by telling me I was stupid.


If my daughter-in-law called me to tell me my son was using cocaine
I would listen to her
Embrace her
Ask how I could help
Empathize
Be there
Immediately
Fly out on the next flight if I had to
(Even in the middle of the night.)
I would hug my son until he started sobbing-
He would know that I love him-
He would know it, damn it.
I would just hold him-
Until he felt it-
Until he told the truth.
Even if it took all night
Even if it took all week
Even if it took the rest of my life
To make up for what I hadn't done.

If my daughter-in-law called me, sobbing, shaking, desperate;
I wouldn't make her feel like a nobody.
I would tell her
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry.

Forgive, but don't Forget

I have been sitting here thinking for a long time.

It's getting to be crunch-time for my marriage. We are supposed to see a judge next week. Not sure what will come of that.

I am still very nervous about going to the funeral on Saturday. I spoke to my former husband's wife about it today and she told me to hold my head up high and be proud. I have done nothing wrong.

That said, I still have a lot of angst about being around my husband's family.

I was sitting here trying to think of why it is so hard for me to forgive my father-in-law. With most people, I can see two sides of the story. I have many long-term friendships and relationships, which have had their ups and downs and forgiveness over the years.

But I think what gets me with my father-in-law is that I have forgiven him before, and then he turns around and does the same thing. The only thing I associate to him now is abuse and pain.

I remember one of the Tyler Perry movies, I think Madea's Family Reunion, where Madea tells her granddaughter, "Forgive, but don't forget. Remember, so it doesn't happen to you again."

I wish I could let go of everything, but I guess when it comes down to it, I am afraid to.

I don't have any hopes that he will ever change.

I've run into people like that before, and I have let them go. And the forgiveness has come with time, as I have not had to constantly rub up against them.

But it seems no matter which way my marriage goes, I will always have some tie to my father-in-law. While I can try to minimize it as much as possible, it will never go away completely.

Nothing Has Changed

Things have been going quite a bit better with my husband. The one thing that always fouls us up though is his family.

His dad and the fourth wife will be coming to town in a few days for his aunt's funeral. I have major anxiety about seeing them and have had many nightmares about it. Everyone keeps asking me why I would even put myself through that.

I think for me funerals are just something you go to out of respect. I am not looking forward to seeing them by any means, but I feel that it is something I need to do.

This morning we got in an argument about the kids seeing his parents while they were in town. I still don't want my kids around them, especially without me there to protect them. But I also have no desire to be around them, and don't feel like I should have to do that either at this point.

What I told my husband is that he has been talking about his dad making an amends to me for some time. But that has never happened. And, we have also talked about the AA Leader talking to his dad, and that has not happened. I told him I would be foolish to do anything foolish until they make some changes on their part. I said, I don't even think they are nice to you - I think you are just so used to it that you don't notice how bad it is anymore.

I am very frustrated that we are still in this place. No matter what happens between my husband and me, this is something that will have to be resolved. And I am not willing to compromise anymore. There is just too much water under the bridge. The ball is in my father-in-law's court.

Anger

My husband just called me filled with anger. His dad chewed him out for an hour and a half for needing to borrow more money. Way to berate your son for not having the skills you were too drunk to teach him as a child.

I'm sick of taking the brunt of everything. If you're angry at your father, get pissy with him.

Part of the reasons we are in this mess is because his father backed out of paying our sons $2,000 a month tuition (for a school that was entirely his idea). Try keeping your word for once and see what happens!

The bigger reason is my husbands long relapse which has basically bankrupt us. I blame my father-in-law for that too. When you give your child alcohol and raise them in chaos there is a pretty major chance they will continue the cycle and become addicts.

Why my children and I need to suffer the consequences is beyond me.

My husband wants to come home but it's hard to imagine that happening with these frequent outbursts. I told him the other night I still remember him calling me nasty names and it will be hard to ever get that out of my mind.

"Ungrateful bitch" and "you miserable cunt" hardly describe the woman who has stood by his side after all of this and borne him two children.

Why?

My son had no school today so we spent the day together. We dropped my daughter off at school and headed to his dentist appointment. Afterwards, I needed to fill out a quick document at my office so we stopped by there.

My son has been coming to my office since he was a 1-year-old. Everyone there adores him. Many of the men in my office actually keep candy in their desks for both my kids (but especially my son, who always makes a request for it!).

Today, I was filling out my form and my son was wondering down the hall getting water. I didn't worry about it because he's been there a million times and he knows everyone there. I recently moved my office from the third floor to the second floor, so it was a slightly different spot than he was used to, but never-the-less, he is nearly 7 and I thought it was familiar turf.

Suddenly, I heard him crying and saw him walking with one of my co-workers down the hall looking for me. He sobbed for nearly 7 minutes, which seemed very different for him. I wondered what could be wrong, but just thought he was being especially sensitive.

One of my other co-workers offered him one of her homemade cupcakes, and all was well again. We went down the hall to see his favorite, "Uncle Mo-Mo" before we left. He gave him a giant hug and a Hershey's Bar. He learned a new handshake from his Uncle Rick before we left.

I went on to my chiropractor appointment, and then off to lunch. He asked if we could stop at a park that he loves, so we did. There are very few days where we have such freedom in our schedules.

We got there and the park was empty. I was disappointed for him because he is very social and enjoys being with other children so much. But he was still thrilled to be there, and it was a beautiful day in our usually rainy city.

Right as he was running up, one of the mother's that we knew from his previous school drove up. She got out with her two daughters. We had run into them earlier at my daughter's school, and I was thrilled to see them again. I have become very close to them over the last year. Then another mother pulled up with her two children. I've known her for several years and was glad to have some time with her as well.

As the children were playing, they asked how things were with my husband and we began to talk about his family. They were puzzled as to why my husband still wants the children to be around his father.

And then I had my "Aha Moment". We talked about earlier in the day when my son had freaked out for no apparent reason at my office.

One of the mother's thought that it was a recall of when my father-in-law left him at the mall.

In case you didn't read the earlier post, here is what happened:

When my son was 2, we allowed him to go to a local mall with his grandpa for an outing. It is a mall in a more questionable part of town where you wouldn't exactly want your children roaming free.

My father-in-law decided that my son was not listening to him well enough. So he let him wander up ahead of him by himself until he thought he was lost. My son started crying and getting upset, much like he did today.

When we met up with my father-in-law afterwards, he told us the story himself because he thought it was funny. It was sort of like, "I really showed him!! He's going to listen to me for now on."

I was like, HE IS TWO-YEARS-OLD you mother fucker. (I left out the mother fucker part, but I wish I had said it now.)

I still feel physically ill when I think about this, and after talking with the other mothers today, I feel ill again.

I told my husband and he said he hoped that was not the case. I told him they said that their kids remember certain things from that age (and so do I for that matter) and that they could see how that trauma would re-create itself today.

So back to the question....why does my husband want his father to be around our kids?

Am I a Horrible Person?

Several things from the argument are haunting me.

My husband told me numerous times that I am "a horrible person."

I know this is not true and I don't know anyone else who would say such a thing to me, but it is still bothering me. Who is this man, who says he wants to be my husband, to tell me something like that?

What have I done to make me horrible?

If you want to compare, I think he would come up to be the horrible one. But do I tell him that? No.

The other thing is that he kept saying that everyone keeps telling him that I don't love him and that he's a fool.

Who would tell him something like that? Is that really productive?

The only person I can think of is his father- who has been married 4 times. And honestly, that pisses me off. That dysfunctional piece of shit is always interfering in our life. I don't know that anyone has ever truly loved him. It's all about his money. There is no honest love, especially when you have been married 4 times. It's not like meeting someone when you're young and becoming successful together. He distrusts everyone and he probably should. Especially when you are an asshole with money, you always have to worry about what people really want from you. It's not like people would put up with him if he didn't have any money.

How do you measure someone else's love? How is that for anyone to say - especially anyone who has not walked in my shoes these last 7 years. Who can blame me for not feeling love-y all the time?

I asked him about this again this morning and he said if you're really in love with someone you just go with it and make it work regardless of what has happened. Well, I have done that - numerous times. That time is over for me. Perhaps things will change and over time I will feel differently - but right now I don't.

I think that's one big downside of AA. People start to think that their behavior and their families are normal, and they are not. Most families don't behave like this. I think alcoholics should judge themselves by the standards that the rest of us have to live by.

Newest Demand from my Father-in-law

So, apparently my husband still does not have the money he keeps saying he has earned, and he put us into another very tough spot. This morning, he arrived half-way-through our son's parent-teacher conference, after missing our daughter's entirely last week. (I should have reminded him, he said.)

Then he said that he would need to get money from his dad and he hated to even bring it up but his dad wanted me to send him an email thanking him and his wife for their financial help over the last year.


Date: November 6, 2009 4:50:04 AM PST


J,

I will arrange for you to get the $6500.00 balance from D as soon as K and I receive some communication from Sula acknowledging her appreciation for our financial support for her and your family for the last year or so.

As per our old deal I expect you to visit with me on each payday that you receive a check for over $1,000.00. Paying back the short-term loans is an important part of our relationship. For you; being honest and keeping your word, for me; being able to respect you as a competent adult man.

In the future I will only help you with loans as part of a comprehensive financial management plan, which will mean that both of you need to be 100% open with all of your budget plans and all financial history. A lot of people that you and I both know ask for and appreciate my financial advice. I know that your family would be better off financially today if you would have been willing to be more honest and open to my advice.

I will be less co-dependent going forward because I love you.


Dad


So, like any mother who needs to take care of her kids, I ate shit.

My reply:

Dear J and K,

Thank you for your financial help over the last year or so. We all appreciate it!

God bless you both!


Inside I was both barfing and laughing. I hope someday, they will eat their words. I hope someday they will realize that their inadequate parenting grew a son who is an alcoholic-addict, who has repeatedly put his family in a horrible spot.

I think they should be thanking me for holding this family together all these years. I think they should kiss my ass for the job I do with both of these kids. I think they should both be apologizing profusely for the abuse they have inflicted on me, my children and my husband for years - and for the bullshit I have put up with from their son.

Email to the AA Leader

Hi B,

Thank you for today. I feel like regardless what happens, it was productive.

J seems more dysfunctional since we talked than before. The fact that he does not have a sponsor is telling to me. I don't think he has EVER had a real sponsor and I am still concerned about his sobriety. He does not feel "ok" to me. I do not feel safe around him and neither do the kids. The fact that I said that to you seems to have enraged him. When he left tonight, our son said, "Daddy doesn't seem ok. Maybe he's doing drugs.".

He already was yelling at me again tonight. He bounced a check to our daughter's school 3 weeks ago and never told me. I go in and out of that school every day. I can't understand not paying the teachers who spend all day with our child. I can't understand not making that right. I can't understand at least telling your wife so that if he wasn't man enough to do it, I could talk to the school. Instead, I found out through the bill I received today and opened tonight. J has optimism, that's for sure, but sometimes it seems more like insanity to me. He has a constant belief that everything will be right any time now, and he's thought that way since I knew him. Faith alone doesn't pay your bills.

The fact that J spends more time with friends that are active, heavy drinkers than working his program gives me great pause. The Halloween party that we went to on Saturday was concerning. Everyone was so drunk that they basically forgot about dinner. We had a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old there. I kept asking, and it was always almost done. I don't hang around people who drink like that on an empty stomach. I wouldn't go to a party with people that I knew to be like that. My family may drink wine with dinner, but no one gets drunk and dinner is always served. Kids come first. We finally left around 8 after my numerous requests to go get the kids some dinner.

The other day, J had his phone off and our son could not reach him. He later said he was at a basketball game with someone who I know owns several night clubs in town and definitely drinks heavily. We did not hear from him again until the next day. When a child leaves their father a voicemail early in the evening, I don't think it should ever go unreturned.

I don't have a drinking problem, but I certainly don't hang around with heavy drinkers. There is nothing we really have in common. My kids are my first priority and it would be hard for me to relate to someone like that. I am just wondering why someone who has a relapse history and serious drinking issues since the age of 12 would spend his time with people like this?

I am at a point where I don't know that I want a marriage with J. But for God's sake, I hope that my children will have a father that they can look up to and respect, because this breaks my heart. I can not remember ever in my life a single time where my dad did not keep his word to me or our family. He would break his back to do anything for us. To this day, he is the one I count on to be a role-model to my kids - he is my hope for them.

I know J and his dad don't like our son seeing a counselor and think he knows too much for his age, and I sort of got that sense from you today as well. But J and his dad put us in this situation where I need to think about my son first - and what his needs are. God knows no one ever did that for J - and look where he is today. I'll be damned if either of my children become addicts. I am in prevention mode all the way. My family has been a rock and a refuge for these kids. That and our church. I put my faith in people I know I can count on - because my kids count on me. J is a gamble - a big one. You don't build your house on the sand.

J needs a sponsor. J needs to work his program. J needs to take responsibility for himself - and this family.

And then, maybe, if he ever gets his act together, we will all still be here waiting for him.

And I for one would like you to speak to my father-in-law. We all deserve better than how he has treated us.

I will certainly put everything else you said to thought as well regarding what you said about me. I know I have a wall up with J. But that has been necessary. That said, I am deeply unhappy and disappointed to the core of my being with how this marriage has turned out. And I do want better. I do want to be happy and not be angry all the time.

Thanks B - probably more than you wanted to hear tonight but I am very, very upset. I hope you know how very much I appreciate you and all the time that you have spent with us.

Lists

Here are the lists I compiled for the AA leader.

How I'd like our marriage to look:

-J sober
-No interference from father-in-law. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with him and I don't particuarly want him around my children. I especially don't want him butting into my life, or telling me how to raise children, esp since he did not do a good job himself in my opinion. I have told J I would be more open to this if he gets counseling or even talks to you, but this has never happened to my knowledge. I resent constantly being asked for my father-in-law to see the kids when in my mind I would never subject my children to any sort of abuse. It's much easier to prevent abuse than erase the scars later. Our son has been in counseling for 2 years already, and I am the one who takes him there every week. I resent the damage the H-Family have caused and that it seems that I am the one who is always cleaning up after their mess. I would like my son to deal with the issues, and have him move on. I don't want my son to suffer the rest of his life. I want my children to be around positive, caring adults. I do not want to be asked even ONE MORE TIME about my father-in-law seeing the kids until he takes care of his end of the street.
-Me at home with the kids (mostly) - I would like my first priority to always be the children, then home, then work. I think meals together and family time is very important. I don't mind working so much, but I resent the extra pressure while the kids are so young...this time has already gone by quickly and I feel like I have missed out on a lot. I don't think that there is a more important job than raising our children well. I don't want another generation of alcoholics. I will do everything in my power to prevent that. You may disagree with me on this, but I think a lot of J's issues with drugs and alcoholism stem more from his environment than genetics. My most important role has been in helping get the kids through these difficult times - and my family has helped a great deal with that. I am not happy about our current financial state, but there is no amount of money that would make it worth it to me to mess up my children. (And that includes my father-in-law, because I get the feeling he thinks my children are for sale, and they are not.) I don't think my added stress from J's relapse and having to work (as opposed to wanting to work or contributing to the income) is helpful to our children. I try to take care of myself and be the best mother I can, but I am also human, and sometimes I feel like this is just too much for me.
-J home on time - call immediately if running late
-No all-nighters - ever, ever, ever...that would be a deal breaker.
-J at all birthday parties and other important family events
-Financially secure
-Regular date nights
-Family dinner together at the table 99% of the time (I cook most meals)
-Dedication to honesty in all things
-Regular vacations - both with the kids and alone
-Having fun - laughing
-Communication about financial issues - esp when things are not going to happen at a certain time
-No physical or verbal abuse


Things I love about J:

Sense of humor
Willingness to stick things out
Father of my children
Warmth and friendliness
Romantic side of him
His sense of style
Paying for our son to attend private school when his dad backed out of his commitment
His love for our children
Our history when he has been sober
He allows me to be myself
His optimism
His hugs
That he is able to be comforting when he wants to (ie, my dad is wonderful but not so much a comforter - more the quiet, stable type)
Checking in with me throughout the day
That he appreciates and enjoys my cooking

The Health Effects of Teen Alcohol Use

I have been thinking a lot this morning about the damage inflicted upon my husband by his father. Primarily, the alcoholic damage - because there is a lot of damage I could talk about. It seems to be never-ending.

If you cause an accident which causes brain damage or any other damage to a person physically or emotionally, typically you are sued and forced to pay for that damage.

When you give a child alcohol at the age of 12, and reinforce alcoholic and dysfunctional behavior their entire childhood - you promote a pattern that is difficult to escape.

When you provide alcohol to a teenager, when their brain is developing at its most critical stage, the brain never fully develops or recovers.

I have been thinking this morning about all the ways that my husband never seems to be able to fully get things together. The way it takes him over an hour to get ready in the morning. How we are always waiting for him (when we live together). He can not seem to make simple choices. In his career, how he always seems just shy of making it. And now we blame that on ADD - but I really wonder what connection that has to drinking as a child - and if his "ADD" is either caused by or simply the result of his father's negligence.

And quite frankly, it outrages me. I think all children of alcoholics should be entitled to damages. Damages for growing up in a fucked up environment. Damages, in my husband's case for the harm caused by drinking alcohol at such a young age. Because I can tell you this, most children do not make that choice. I was never given alcohol as a child. I don't know many people who were (other than perhaps a sip of something). But when you give a child beer or other alcohol, you should be prepared to face the consequences - for the rest of your life. Because the repercussions from that irresponsible action will follow that child for the rest of theirs.

Here is just one article I found, but the body of evidence is enormous, and something I am going to start paying more attention to.


The Health Effects of Teen Alcohol Use

There has been many studies conducted on the health effects of both short-term and long-term use of alcohol among adults. Long-term risks inlcude liver damage, pancreatitis, certain cancers, and literal shrinkage of the brain. Alcohol use is the second leading cause of dementia; one simple ages quicker on alcohol. (3) But professionals today are worried about a steady increase in teen alcohol abuse and the possible negative health effects. According to an article published by the British Medical Association (BMA) entitled: “Alcohol and Young People”, “…there was a general rise in the proportion of 11 to 15 year-olds who drink alcohol regularly, but also there is an increase in the amount they are drinking on each occasion.”

Adolescence is a transition time when the body is undergoing many significant changes, such as hormonal alterations and brain development. It is also a time when young people start to associate more with friends and associates beyond their childhood contacts. They feel an increased pressure to ‘fit in’ or ‘go along with the crowd’ in order to be accepted socially. These new circumstances can be confusing and difficult for the youth to understand and deal with. Often their ability to make correct or safe decisions is also at a stage of immaturity. Exposing the brain to alcohol during this period may interrupt key processes of brain development, possibly leading to mild cognitive impairment as well as to a further escalation of drinking.

Alcohol is absorbed very rapidly into the blood stream from the stomach lining, in as short a time as 5 to 10 minutes and it’s effects last for several hours depending on the amount ingested and how quickly it was consumed. Females absorb alcohol faster than males because their bodies contain less water. The water dilutes the alcohol and so the same amount of alcohol will produce a higher concentration in the blood. After consuming only 2 to 3 normal strength beers, or 4 or 5 standard glasses of wine, most people will feel less inhibited and more relaxed. Anything consumed after this amount most people slur their speech and become less coordinated and clumsy. Some people have increased emotional reactions. More alcohol could result in staggering, double vision, and loss of balance, nausea, vomiting and an impression of the room spinning.

According to information issued from the U. S. government publication entitled Prevention Alert, teen alcohol abuse showed many negative side effects. “Subtle alcohol-induced adolescent learning impairments could affect academic and occupational achievement. In one study……short-term memory skills were evaluated in alcohol-dependent and nondependent adolescents ages 15 and 16. The alcohol-dependent youth had greater difficulty remembering words and simple geometric designs after a 10-minute interval. In this and similar studies memory problems were most common among adolescents in treatment who had experienced alcohol withdrawal symptoms. The emergence of withdrawal symptoms generally indicates an established pattern of heavy drinking. Their appearance at a young age underscores the need for early intervention to prevent and treat underage drinking. Early alcohol use may have long lasting consequences. People who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence at some time in their lives compared with those who have their first drink at age 20 or older. It is not clear whether starting to drink at an early age actually causes alcoholism. Environmental factors may also be involved, especially in alcoholic families, where children may start drinking earlier because of easier access to alcohol in the home, family acceptance of drinking and lack of parental monitoring.

Aside from the fact that underage drinking is illegal, it poses a high risk to both the individual and society. We will discuss some of the consequences of teen alcohol abuse.

Drinking and Driving
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among youth ages 15 to 20. The rate of fatal crashes among alcohol-involved drivers between 16 and 20 years old is more than twice the rate for alcohol-involved drivers 21 and older.

Suicide
Alcohol use interacts with conditions such as depression and stress to contribute to suicide, the third leading cause of death among people between the ages of 14 and 25. In one study, 37 percent of eighth grade females who drank heavily reported attempting suicide, compared with 11 percent who did not drink.

Sexual Assault
Sexual assault, including rape, occurs most commonly among women in late adolescence and early adulthood, usually within the context of a date. In one survey, approximately 10 percent of female high school students reported having been raped. Research suggests that alcohol use by the offender, the victim or both, increase the likelihood of sexual assault by a male acquaintance.

High-Risk Sex
Research has associated adolescent alcohol use with high-risk sex, for instance, multiple partners or unprotected sex. The consequences of high-risk sex also are common in this age group, particularly unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. According to a recent study, the link between high-risk sex and drinking is affected by the quantity of alcohol consumed. The probability of sexual intercourse is increased by drinking amounts of alcohol sufficient to impair judgment, but decreased by drinking heavier amounts that result in feelings of nausea, passing out, or mental confusion. Binge Drinking. Though most college drinkers would deny it, young people do die solely from drinking. In 1995, 318 people ages 15 to 24 died from alcohol poisoning alone, man of them after a night binge at college. At the University of Virginia, a tradition that has seniors drinking a fifth of hard liquor at the final game of the football season (so-called “Fourth-year Fifth”) has killed 18 students since 1990. (3)



Works Cited


British Medical Association BMA, article Alcohol and Young People, Health 1999
(2) Prevention Alert, Vol. 5 Number 6 May 10, 2002,
ncadi.samhsa.gov/govpubs/prevalert/v5/2.aspx

(3) Author: Kattie Payne, RN, PhD Last updated September 9, 2002, copyright 1995-2004, Healthwise, Incorporated, P. O. Box 1989, Boise, ID 83701.

Taken from teendrugabuse.us

In a Funk

I have been in sort of a funk. I tried to get out of it by going to a special seminar at church on Thursday night, but I'm not sure that helped either. It was called Relationships as a Spiritual Practice, and our interim pastor brought in someone from the outside, who is more of a new age-type than something you would normally see at church. Sounded like my kind of thing, but I didn't get all that enthused at the time. In fact, I ended up leaving before he even finished talking, because it was after 9 and I was tired.

But he did say some good stuff, and that has sort of been in my head over the past few days.

He talked about how our most important relationship is the relationship we have with our self - and that is the one that we mostly overlook. And that if we don't take care of this relationship, we will not be able to have positive relationships with other people. He said if you think you can change someone, you can't - you have to change yourself. We did a lot of different energy work and meditations, but that's sort of where he lost me. I'm not someone that needs to be sold on that stuff - I already know it works. But for whatever reason, I don't utilize it much.

I spent most of the weekend with a migraine. Yesterday I became completely enraged when my husband asked me *again* about his dad and the fourth wife seeing the kids.

I gave in and let my son see him for 5 minutes the other day to say goodbye before they went to the desert for the winter. But my son is nearly 7 now and a very smart cookie. He is more able to sort out some of the BS that might come his way. I am even less excited about exposing my 3-year-old daughter to either of them for any amount of time.

I told my husband when his dad makes amends to her and to me for telling him to skip out on her 3rd birthday party, then we can talk about him seeing his granddaughter.

I am still pissed about that. I don't know if I will ever get over it actually.

But I also realize that I am the one stuck with all my anger and my father-in-law and the fourth wife could give a shit less. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can live my life without having my blood pressure rise every time I hear either one of their names.

Islamic Feminism

I met with the head of our local Muslim school yesterday, who I have known for over 10 years. I have been involved with the school for many years, but not as much as I would have liked after the birth of my children. I am going to be taking on a more active role now and I am very excited about that.

I had a very good talk with my friend, not only about the school and my son's school, which have a wonderful alliance, but also about life.

We talked a lot about my marriage and about my father-in-law. He was very surprised that my father-in-law had not been more supportive of both me and my marriage. He was also very surprised that my father-in-law did not work more closely with my husband. He said in Yemen, when a father is successful, it makes him proud to bring his son up in that same tradition.

I remember the same thing from my former father-in-law. Although he was not wealthy, he did own quite a bit of land. He was so proud of the fact that some day he would give all of that to his sons. (Women receive their inheritance when they marry as a way of insuring their financial control within the marriage. The money is theirs to keep. If the marriage goes south, they are not stuck.)

When I was leaving, my friend showed me the new library at the school, which he was very proud of. I noticed a women's studies section and in particular a book about Islamic Feminism, which I also have at home. I told him that we need to make sure that the girls graduate as Muslim feminists! Then I stopped myself, and we both agreed that Islam is a feminist religion that empowers women. I don't think very many people think of Islam in that way, but at it's root, that is what Islam set out to do. In many ways, that is what Islam has done for me.

Islam empowered me in a way that no other religion has. And, in going back to work, no other segment of my client base has been more supportive of me than my Muslim base.

I also was reflecting with my husband that it is so interesting that people stereotype Arab and Muslim men as holding back strong women, but my American father-in-law seems to have the problem with me, whereas my Arab and Muslim brothers seem to be very proud of my strength. My previous father-in-law is so proud of me. And yet all I feel from my current father-in-law is disgust.

The Sneaky Bastard

It became apparent late yesterday that my father-in-law had stopped paying my husband through one of his companies after we filed for divorce in June. I believe this is an obvious attempt to lessen any child support and alimony I am due.

He says that the life insurance policy that this money was paying towards was suddenly paid at that time (according to my husband). But when I said I needed a paystub for our loan, he said he could suddenly start paying him again.

Sounds fishy to me.

If I had to guess, I would say he just started paying the brother all the money to pay the policy now. Either way, if we go that route, a forensic accountant can figure out all of that.

It just always amazes me how low he is willing to stoup.

I always feel like I am dealing with someone on Dallas or Dynasty and not a father-in-law, let alone someone who has been in AA for 25 years and is supposed to be a mentor to other men.

It brings to mind when my husband's mother died and my father-in-law wanted to stop paying her alimony. She lived out of state, so my husband had to get her death certificate so he could stop paying it. My husband relapsed at that time and was pisssed at this father. So he got the death certificate, but didn't tell his dad and let him continue paying the alimony - for a year.

I was the one who finally told his dad that he had the death certificate. He was confused - why would he do that??

Because he is angry with you, I told him, exhasperated. He truly seemed to have no clue.

I still don't think he does.

You reap what you sow.

Malcolm X said it better than anyone when he talked about chickens coming home to roost, even though I know this was an unpopular quote at the time. (The clip below is worth watching - I had never heard him explain himself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzuOOshpddM

I really like this quote, which is the end of the clip.

"If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, that's not progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress comes from healing the wound that the blow made. They haven't even begun to pull the knife out. They won't even admit the knife is there.
- Malcolm X

Thoughts Circling in my Head

I feel like I need to clear my head.

A lot has happened and I have not had the time or desire to write about it here.

My husband seems to have gotten his act together for the time being.

I say that somewhat, but not entirely hopefully, because he has done this before, although not to this extent.

He has become a father to the kids in a more active role than he ever has before.

He is sober, obviously sober.

He is working his program.

He is helping me.

He is bringing dinner when I am tired.

He is washing the dishes.

He is doing the laundry.

He is actively engaged with both of the children.

He is bringing me roses.

He is being thoughtful and considerate.

He is paying our children's tuition (on time).

He is giving me money when I need it.

But I am still tired and I am still hesitant to trust anything.

He continues to say he does not want a divorce, and I have continued to say that too much damage has been done. He says he wants to repair it. I say some things can not be repaired. He thinks anything can. I say, look at Katrina.

What impresses me about my husband is that he does not give up.

In any case, there have been a lot of things circling through my mind.

First of all, being divorced or separated from someone you have kids with is really not a whole lot different than being with that person. I still see him nearly every day. I still talk to him constantly. He just goes home to his place and sleeps there. There is still a relationship. It's just a lot more responsibility for me and a whole lot less money.

It is very exhausting being a single parent. I know I have said that before and I don't want to constantly complain about it, but I don't think it is a one-person job. I think I am very lucky to have my mom, and now, a husband that is helping quite a bit. But I am still quite tired all the time. I really think that there should be more help offered to people who are doing this on their own. That was one thing that really impressed me at the memorial service for Dick the other day - how many single mothers and children he had helped over the years. To me, that is making a difference.

At the end of the day, it is a very lonely and alienating job. Raising children is a big job period, but doing it alone is just a lot.

But that being said, there is also the nagging thought I have of, what if he relapses again? I can not put my kids or myself through that, again.

And I have said to him even, you are better off starting fresh with someone else, because I have given you so many fresh starts, and there will be no fresh start this time. He says he does not want a fresh start - he wants his family.

It seems that everyone has their opinions and dislikes of my husband. A lot of people want to see him suffer. But in the end, it is me that is suffering mostly because I am carrying the workload.

I am angry about a lot of things and a lot of those will take perhaps a lifetime to get over. I am mostly angry at my father-in-law though because I truly believe he set my husband up to fail in nearly every way.

My husband has failed me in so many ways, and that has been painful. Very painful. But I have to think that had he been raised differently, he would have made different choices.

When I look the children my father-in-law "raised", I see three things:
He raised the eldest to be "mentally unfit" and then left him to rot in a state home.
He raised my husband to be a dependent addict.
And he raised the youngest to believe he was stupid and incompetent.

Perhaps that is harsh, but that is how I see things.

What I believe about children is that you set them up to win. You give them wings to fly, not strings to hold them back.

Nothing has to be, or will be, decided today, or anytime soon for that matter. But these are my thoughts today.