Forgive, but don't Forget

I have been sitting here thinking for a long time.

It's getting to be crunch-time for my marriage. We are supposed to see a judge next week. Not sure what will come of that.

I am still very nervous about going to the funeral on Saturday. I spoke to my former husband's wife about it today and she told me to hold my head up high and be proud. I have done nothing wrong.

That said, I still have a lot of angst about being around my husband's family.

I was sitting here trying to think of why it is so hard for me to forgive my father-in-law. With most people, I can see two sides of the story. I have many long-term friendships and relationships, which have had their ups and downs and forgiveness over the years.

But I think what gets me with my father-in-law is that I have forgiven him before, and then he turns around and does the same thing. The only thing I associate to him now is abuse and pain.

I remember one of the Tyler Perry movies, I think Madea's Family Reunion, where Madea tells her granddaughter, "Forgive, but don't forget. Remember, so it doesn't happen to you again."

I wish I could let go of everything, but I guess when it comes down to it, I am afraid to.

I don't have any hopes that he will ever change.

I've run into people like that before, and I have let them go. And the forgiveness has come with time, as I have not had to constantly rub up against them.

But it seems no matter which way my marriage goes, I will always have some tie to my father-in-law. While I can try to minimize it as much as possible, it will never go away completely.

Why Did I get Married?

I watched another Tyler Perry play last night: Why did I get married? My kids have now seen me watch so many Tyler Perry movies that they explained to their dad, "It's the play, not the movie...she's already seen that one."

There were 2 lines in particular that I really liked. One is about a man who isn't raising his kids or paying child support. His ex-wife, who is remarried, says something like, "I've learned that what one man won't do, another man will."

Another was about how we as women sometimes spend so long trying to make a bad man love us that we miss out on a good one.

The Vault of my Heart

My husband and I are going to meet with the AA leader again tomorrow during lunch. I am supposed to email him before then with a list of things I love about my husband and tell him how I would like our marriage to look. My husband is supposed to do the same.

I started yesterday, but I have to say that I am still just angry about so many things. It has been hard for me to put this together.

I was home with my sick son yesterday so I watched the play of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Not as good as the movie, and the story line was a little different, but I still enjoyed it.

One line stuck with me: "A woman's heart is like a vault: when you're in, you're in. But when you're out, you're out."

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

I have been slowly renting all the Tyler Perry movies I can get my hands on, and this was one of my favorites. My kids and I have both grown to love Madea. Not only is she hysterically funny, but there is a lot of truth in these movies. I found myself sobbing at this one. It hit pretty close to home. My house isn't nearly that nice, but I recognized myself in the lifestyle trap of the main character (the mad black woman!). I also saw my own bitterness and anger at my situation. I have been trying to get past that through various methods. I noticed at church the other week when we were reciting the Lord's Prayer, that my voice sort of caught on the part about "as we forgive those who trespass against us..." So I have been going back to some of my old standbys like the Tao and You can heal your life. But somehow I think the mixture of the hysterical laughter and the sobs did more for me than any of that has lately.

Loving Madea

I saw Tyler Perry on the Oprah show about 6 months ago and was very impressed...but then I sort of forgot about renting his movies. A friend recommended the Madea movies to me and I am so grateful to have found them.

First of all, they are just hysterically funny and real. But I have never laughed so hard and then cried so hard, back and forth, throughout an entire movie.

The laughing part has been so good for me. It's been a great release with everything else that has been going on.

But I also have to say that I just LOVE Madea's character. She is such a strong woman and I have been so inspired by her to stop putting up with all my husband's bullshit.

My kids have even caught on and just love watching Madea in action.

They stayed up and watched the last movie (Madea's Family Reunion) with me and just laughed hysterically when Madea shows her granddaughters what to do about a man that beats his wife.

Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.

We all laughed our heads off.

But she also said something that was so profound - and I wish I had the right words here to quote. (I tried to google them unsuccessfully and I already returned the movie). The words go something like this.

You can't help a woman that doesn't want to be helped. When a woman is tired of being abused, she will get out on her own.

Those words have been in my head for days now.

Thank you Madea!