Relationships

"...it takes two whole people, who acknowledge that they live on the same planet - Earth - to communicate intimately."

-Olga Silverstein

Trying to Make Things Work

I am irritated this morning that my husband continues to ask me about trying to make things work. He does not seem to understand that he has done too much damage. He wants to continue to play the victim, when he has been the one to victimize me and the kids - continually.

He asked me again this morning after I did not respond to his message last night. I told him he had managed to strip any desire I had left to want to stay in the marriage. Let's just focus on the kids and try to get along.

For a long time, I have held on to this idea of being married and raising our kids together. But as my counselor always told me, I was holding onto a dream of how I wanted things to actually be and not the reality of how things are with my husband.

Our society puts so much emphasis on being a part of a relationship - especially when you have children. I think I have really bought into that. Single mothers are second class citizens in so many ways.

Mothers and wives also seem to be weary of a single attractive woman. As many of my male friends keep telling me, you just need to put on about 20 pounds, and then all the wives will feel comfortable around you. I am really not interested in being with anyone's husband. I am not really interested in being with any man.

I think it is sad that fear makes us do so many things. Tony Robbins says people will do more to avoid pain than to obtain pleasure.

I'd rather be a whole person than a half of a dysfunctional relationship.

He Heals Me

I think every girl should grow up hearing this song.

He Heals Me

Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life
And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.
And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
Cause he's already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me..........

-India Arie


To hear this beautiful song:
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhzO2EEM6u8gW9AcNU

In a Funk

I have been in sort of a funk. I tried to get out of it by going to a special seminar at church on Thursday night, but I'm not sure that helped either. It was called Relationships as a Spiritual Practice, and our interim pastor brought in someone from the outside, who is more of a new age-type than something you would normally see at church. Sounded like my kind of thing, but I didn't get all that enthused at the time. In fact, I ended up leaving before he even finished talking, because it was after 9 and I was tired.

But he did say some good stuff, and that has sort of been in my head over the past few days.

He talked about how our most important relationship is the relationship we have with our self - and that is the one that we mostly overlook. And that if we don't take care of this relationship, we will not be able to have positive relationships with other people. He said if you think you can change someone, you can't - you have to change yourself. We did a lot of different energy work and meditations, but that's sort of where he lost me. I'm not someone that needs to be sold on that stuff - I already know it works. But for whatever reason, I don't utilize it much.

I spent most of the weekend with a migraine. Yesterday I became completely enraged when my husband asked me *again* about his dad and the fourth wife seeing the kids.

I gave in and let my son see him for 5 minutes the other day to say goodbye before they went to the desert for the winter. But my son is nearly 7 now and a very smart cookie. He is more able to sort out some of the BS that might come his way. I am even less excited about exposing my 3-year-old daughter to either of them for any amount of time.

I told my husband when his dad makes amends to her and to me for telling him to skip out on her 3rd birthday party, then we can talk about him seeing his granddaughter.

I am still pissed about that. I don't know if I will ever get over it actually.

But I also realize that I am the one stuck with all my anger and my father-in-law and the fourth wife could give a shit less. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can live my life without having my blood pressure rise every time I hear either one of their names.

Investing in Myself

I have a lot of driving time now with the new schedule. I got to thinking this morning about my life. I have spent a lot of time investing in other people, especially in men that I have been in relationships with.

When I met my first husband, English was his third language, after coming here from Africa (Lebanon originally). He was still learning English. I taught him to read in English, spending hours on one or two pages in the beginning. I helped him start several businesses. I helped him get through college and get his American citizenship. We took care of a baby that was not ours for about a year.

I don't have any regrets about any of this. I think he was a sound investment and I will always treasure his friendship. He has done well for himself and I am proud of him.

But that said, I wonder why I have felt that I am not worthy of investment in myself??

And, why have I invested over 7 years in a relationship with someone who has done nothing to make his life - or my life - better? I should have been investing in myself and in my children.

And I hope if nothing else comes out of this that that is the lesson I really learn. Because financially I am coming out out of this much worse than I came into it. And I think life, while it has it's twists and turns, should keep getting better and better; always moving up, not sideways, and certainly not down, down, down.

This has been a long detour.