The Ties that Bind

I have learned a lot in these last few days.

It has been a very trying time for me.

The biggest lesson has been that when you are married to someone, regardless of what has gone down, you are loyal to that person.

I have always known that to some degree. There is nothing in the world I would not do for my first husband.

And I suppose I have to say that even though I have been angry and hurt, there is nothing I would not do for my current husband.

Divorce changes nothing. You are always tied to that person.

Whatever someone says or tries to say, you know the truth of it. You know that person. You know their limitations. You know their strengths. You always want the best for that person, and there is nothing or no one that can ever stand between that.

Tonight, I am grateful for both of the men who have married me.

I did not think I could learn or appreciate this marriage. But in 24 hours, I have. Deeply and profoundly.

Visit at the Donut Shop

I stopped into see some of my Lebanese friends with my daughter this morning at their donut shop. I didn't know who would be there exactly but I lucked out and saw 3 of my favorites. They gave us a huge box of donuts and we started talking and laughing. My favorite, Haj, who the patriarch of the family came in and immediately smiled. He told me that the last time I ran into him at Costco, he did not even recognize me. I had lost so much weight and was extremely thin (size 00 to be exact). He said he walked out the door and asked his daughter, who was that?

When she told him it was me he could not believe it.

He said, now you are back. I'm so happy.

He asked about my marriage and I told him I was divorcing. He said he had heard that and was sorry. He said my daughter was beautiful and he wished her good luck. He said in Lebanon when they see a beautiful young girl, they always wish her luck to marry a kind man.

He said not everyone is lucky like me in business and love. He began to speak of his wife who passed many years ago after a very bad stroke. He shared about sending her to Lebanon once for vacation while they were living in Africa. Israel invaded the south of Lebanon a few days after she arrived. Members of the Israeli Army came into their home and demanded all the gold and valuables. They took all her paperwork. It took 3 years before she was able to return to him.

I met him and his wife over 15 years ago. She was extremely disabled from stroke when I met her. She had to be fed, could not walk and could barely speak. The grace that her family took care of her with in that 10-year period before she died has always stayed with me. Her daughter-in-law would quietly wipe away her drooling when no one was looking. She had to be helped with every little thing in her day-to-day life. But I always remember that they treated her with dignity, respect and love. I never heard anyone in that family complain about their duties, even though I knew they were very hard duties to carry out day-to-day for all those years.

Even today after her death - nearly 6 years ago - he was still obviously deeply in love with his wife.

He then spoke of his daughters. He has 5.

He said all but one were lucky with their husbands because they asked his blessing first. The daughter that did not get his blessing married a very bad man who did not work and lived off of her. He told her that he did not believe she should marry him, but she decided she wanted to anyway. He told me about a recent fight they had where the husband called him and threatened to divorce his daughter. He told him please do. And began to laugh.

I told him next time, I will bring the man to him first for approval. We laughed again.

Haj got up to leave and gave me a giant hug. He told me, you are a very nice girl. You deserve a lot better. I love you.

Trying to Make Things Work

I am irritated this morning that my husband continues to ask me about trying to make things work. He does not seem to understand that he has done too much damage. He wants to continue to play the victim, when he has been the one to victimize me and the kids - continually.

He asked me again this morning after I did not respond to his message last night. I told him he had managed to strip any desire I had left to want to stay in the marriage. Let's just focus on the kids and try to get along.

For a long time, I have held on to this idea of being married and raising our kids together. But as my counselor always told me, I was holding onto a dream of how I wanted things to actually be and not the reality of how things are with my husband.

Our society puts so much emphasis on being a part of a relationship - especially when you have children. I think I have really bought into that. Single mothers are second class citizens in so many ways.

Mothers and wives also seem to be weary of a single attractive woman. As many of my male friends keep telling me, you just need to put on about 20 pounds, and then all the wives will feel comfortable around you. I am really not interested in being with anyone's husband. I am not really interested in being with any man.

I think it is sad that fear makes us do so many things. Tony Robbins says people will do more to avoid pain than to obtain pleasure.

I'd rather be a whole person than a half of a dysfunctional relationship.

What is Reality?

The ultrasound has come and gone. It was odd going there and checking in. I am still on my husband's insurance but I don't feel like he is my husband anymore. The receptionist was asking questions about my husband's place of employment and date of birth. She asked for an emergency contact person and I gave her my mother's name.

This morning my mother noticed alarmingly that our downstairs toilet is leaking and needs to be repaired immediately or the wood would be damaged. I told my husband, but he has not reponded. I guess I should get used to the fact that we are on our own now. But it is a hard thing to sink in.

I suppose we have been on our own for a long time, but I could usually count on help with at least some of the big things.

It sounds like I will not hear anything back from the doctor until Monday. I am a little nervous but I decided on my way back from the clinic that I am just going to assume everything is OK until I hear otherwise. It won't help me to worry.

Last night, my husband read the blog again and sent me a 7-point response, defending himself. It is clear that we both have completely different versions of reality. My husband does not even pretend to be his nice-guy persona anymore around other people, so that at least is a little more comforting. Sometimes I think it was hard for people to envision the things that he said to me. No longer.

A friend told me the other day that when he called me a cunt, that's when it would have been over for her. It's funny how you try to remove these things from your mind, but when you finally tell people what has happened and they remind you of them, you are not able to create your own (better) reality anymore. Hearing her say it made me realize how awful things have been.

Hating Myself

I had another mostly sleepless night last night. I am back to listening to a lot of my New Age tapes - Louise Hay right now. I started doing some affirmations and meditations to help me sleep. I realized last night how hard it has become - my mind wanders almost immediately.

I think I have really begun to hate myself. I thought I just hated what my life (for the most part) has become and the actions of my husband and his family. But it became apparent last night that that has transferred to me too.

I think it's hard for me to forgive now because I did all this when my husband went to rehab the first time. I wasn't sure I should continue on in the relationship. But I decided it was better for my son and I worked on myself while he was at rehab for 2 months.

I felt at that time, that all was forgiven. We had a few good years together in there. I did not bring up the past. We had our daughter, which was a very joyous time for me.

But then, he relapsed - and now I almost feel foolish for not believing that he would. It seems now it would have been easier to leave that wall up and move on at the time of the first rehab.

But now I am two kids in and many more years. I don't know where this relationship will end up. But I don't want to keep feeling this way.

Hauling out the Christmas Tree

This year, I hauled the Christmas tree out by myself with some help from my 6-year-old son.

It was a huge tree and really needed two adults, but my dad has done this for me for the last 2 years and I couldn't see asking him again. I know he would do it and say nothing but it was not worth seeing the look of total disgust in his eyes.

I come from a family (on both sides) where the men do these things. Odd for me to say this as a feminist, but I like it this way.

My husband reminded me when I told him that I chose to live alone.

No, I chose to be marry a sober man. I chose to have the relationship that we agreed on in advance.

In Islam, you agree on the parameters of the marriage beforehand, much like a business agreement. If either partner does not keep their end of the bargain, the other party is free to divorce.

Islam was the first religion that gave women the right to divorce, among other things. It was a very progressive and feminist religion from the get-go. Women actually have rights. For all the "progressiveness" of the US, I'd say that the intention (at least) of Islam was to give women more rights and more choices. Women are not expected to just suck it in when their rights are violated.

In our case, I told my husband if he relapses I would leave him. He chose to drink anyway, after 3 years of sobriety.

He said he would follow my religion and that I could raise the children while he supported the family.

In Islam, any money a woman makes is hers to spend as she wishes. The man supports the family. The woman's primary responsibility is to the children and to the family. Not to say that the woman can not do anything (there have been far more Islamic countries with female Presidents than we have ever seen in the US!) But, I think it is a common sense religion, in the sense that throughout the world, women take on the bulk of responsibility for house and home - and they are honored for that - not forced to take on a double work-load.

My husband said he would honor my religion. Without these promises, I would not have married him.

I certainly would not have lived through another relapse. Had I known he would chose to drink again, I never would have married him.

I thought I made myself clear before we were married what the parameters would be. He reminds me now that marriage is for better or worse. Perhaps he's right. But I did not sign up for worse and worser.

He chose to drink. He chose to cheat. He chose to squander all our money until we were broke. He chose many things that I never would have chosen for us.

I chose to stick up for myself, kick his cocaine-head, alcoholic self out of this house and take care of our children.

I suppose I could have chosen to move on and move another man in to take care of us and all the things that go along with a house, but I didn't think that would be good for my kids.

So I suppose I chose our kids. I just did not expect that I would get fucked again and again because of it.

Thanksgiving 2009

My mother took the kids tonight so I could get ready for tomorrow. But for the most part I have been in a funk, getting very little done except for the last hour. I am moping.

I wish I could make a big dinner with the enthusiasm that I used to. I used to go all out, and I loved it. I love cooking for people I love.

But I feel all the life drained out of me this year. I don't want my husband here. I don't want to cook for him. I don't want to watch him eat plate after plate and dominate the conversation and expect me to cater to his emotional needs.

I thought I could continue the blog with him still reading it, but more and more I find I am censoring myself to save his feelings. I resent that too. This was supposed to be my outlet. And now, I'm not sure what it is. Me trying to stay positive in a very bad situation mostly. And I'm still not feeling positive.

I can't remember a time when I ever felt this low in my life. I am utterly unhappy. I have my moments, where all seems well - like today, when I was able to spend the entire day with my son - pure bliss.

But mostly, I feel sad and alone. And angry. I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I feel broke.

In my being, I know that I need to get out of this marriage. I had a long talk with my grandmother about it earlier tonight. But the bottom line is, I don't know how we will manage financially. Even if we were to walk away from our home and our debt, it would still be a struggle.

There's a woman in my office who is like a second mother to me. She came in and practically begged me the other day to get out. She told me about how she stayed with her husband until her kids were in their 20's and it only got worse with time. She emailed me her attorneys name and called him to let him know I'd be calling and asked if he'd meet with me for free. She said I deserve to be happy and safe.

I don't know how to balance my needs with those of my children. I worry about them so much. I don't think this family is healthy for them either, but then I think, if we can't live, what's the point?

My friend B. said I'd be happy when I started to make decisions that are good for me.

I worry that if I don't get out soon, this marriage will destroy me.

Family Weekend

The kids and I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend, which was mostly good. Saturday I had a meeting, so he came and watched the kids after his AA meeting for a few hours. Later that night, I had a chance to go to a concert I really wanted to see with a friend, so he also stayed with them then. He ended up falling asleep with the kids and spent the night. Sunday, we all spent the day together, which was fine until the end.

I was very tired after not sleeping well the night before. I needed a nap, but it never happened. The kids need to be in bed by 7, especially now that they're both sick. I feel like I am constantly hammering this into my husband's head, but he never seems to get it. Same thing when he lived at home and they were both napping. Every weekend, I had to repeat the nap schedule and explain why we needed to do something right then. It frustrates the hell out of me!! My mom always defends him and says he has ADD, but that frustrates me too. If you have ADD, take the flippin' medicine for it!! And, I also go back to blaming my in-laws for giving him alcohol as a child, which I believe screwed up his brain development.

In any case, he rented the most stupid movie I have ever seen (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) and I told him that before we even opened the case. I was trying to read the NY Times and he kept asking me if I was watching the movie - even after repeatedly telling him that I thought it was stupid. Why does he care if I am watching the movie or not? To me, it seemed controlling. And, who would chose to watch a dumb movie over reading something intellectually stimulating?!

So by 7:30 when the movie was finally over, I was annoyed. My daughter was cranky and she will never sleep until the distraction of her dad leaving is over. I have been through this with him numerous times before as well. He kept saying, "I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now." And I kept thinking, "OK, leave!" Don't tell me five times you are leaving and then stay.

Same thing in the morning. He said, "I'll let you sleep in". But then he kept just staying there and not taking care of the kids. By the time he finally left, I was irritated and hungry and couldn't get back to sleep. I realize it was nice of him to offer and nice of him to be there, but I am with the kids for the most part 24-7, and I never have the possibility of sleeping in, whereas he has complete freedom to do so whenever he pleases since he lives alone. I don't think he gets this.

So back to 7:30 when I was trying to get my daughter to bed...she started arguing with me and saying she didn't want to go to bed. Meanwhile my husband is just fumbling around the house. My daughter ended up falling face-first into the molding on the stairs. She got this huge welt on her head. It starts filling up with blood and turning black. My husband is not a quick thinker with the kids, which also annoys me. I'm sitting there holding her and trying to comfort her, and I'm like, "Get me some ice!" Then I tell him to get me some Tylenol (which I now know I"m not supposed to do after a child hits their head). So he asks me where it is. THE SAME PLACE IT HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS!! UGHHHHH!

Then he bring out some chewable Tylenol. I was totally losing it because my daughter won't take that. And as her father, it seems like that would be something he would know. But he doesn't. So things are totally escalating between us, and I finally go to get some myself. The Tylenol is in an unopened box so I grab the Ibuprofen. He's like you didn't say Ibuprofen, and I'm like, what's the difference!? She is hurt and screaming and needs something for her pain NOW!!! So we end up getting into a huge fight, with ends with him telling me to "Just stop talking to me."

I told him he never gets to tell me when to stop talking.

I call the doctor to see if I need to bring her in. They run through all her symptoms with me and say no. I learn I shouldn't have given her anything, especially Ibuprofen because that can make her throw up after hitting her head. (She never does). They tell me to put her to sleep with me, but to completely wake her up every 4 hours to make sure she is OK. And to watch her for the next 24 hours and bring her in if she throws up more than twice.

My husband finally leaves and I put both children in bed with me. They are completely wound up and don't end up going to sleep for at least an hour. Once they finally quiet down, my daughter asks me, "Why did daddy tell you to stop talking to him?" My son chimes in that that is never OK to say to someone and we have a conversation about that.

It seems like no matter how great things are, when we argue, we still end up in the same awful spot.

On the way to school this morning I realized how much I have come to depend on my son to help me. Since it's usually just the 3 of us, I am always asking him to help me with things. Had his dad not been there, it would have been him that got me everything. And unlike his dad, he would have been able to do it. I start tearing up. He's not even 7. He's super responsible and and amazing kid, but this is never the life I wanted for him. I didn't want him to have to be super responsible like I was. I wanted him to just be a kid and enjoy his life.

Why Did I get Married?

I watched another Tyler Perry play last night: Why did I get married? My kids have now seen me watch so many Tyler Perry movies that they explained to their dad, "It's the play, not the movie...she's already seen that one."

There were 2 lines in particular that I really liked. One is about a man who isn't raising his kids or paying child support. His ex-wife, who is remarried, says something like, "I've learned that what one man won't do, another man will."

Another was about how we as women sometimes spend so long trying to make a bad man love us that we miss out on a good one.

No Sleep

I didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend and my head feels jumbled up. Saturday, my husband took my son to a college football game. I worried about that for a weeks. For one, I have heard there is heavy drinking at these games, and I worry about putting my son in the car afterwards to drive 2 hours home. Secondly, I am still not feeling completely confident in my husband's sobriety.

But one of my best friends spent the time texting with me on Saturday and I worked through some of my fears - at least enough to let him go. I suppose I can't protect my children from everything, but I am still a very cautious person. I stayed up late waiting for them to come home. Then I couldn't sleep.

I am still disturbed about the argument I had with my husband on Friday night. It's easier for him to just pretend like nothing happened and move on with our life. For me, I feel like maybe we are just always going to end up in that spot. And I'm tired of that spot.

I feel very conflicted over the "needs" of my children versus my own happiness. Sometimes I wonder what is the best thing for them and if I am even capable of making a good decision right now. Anger, frustration and financial wreckage are not exactly the best places to come from.

I feel like I would never put up with all of my husband's BS before I had children, and that only makes me resent him more. I think he knows that and uses it against me. I'm tired of having him ask the kids in front of me if they want him to come home. What are they supposed to say? Who says a child should even be making that decision? I find it offensive that he would even put them in that spot.

I barely slept at all last night and I'm in a horrible mood. I'm not someone who does well without sleep. I wish I could come to a place of peace on my life, but somehow that always seems outside of my grasp. The only time I truly feel happy and at ease is when I am alone with my children. I enjoy them so much. There is no one I adore more.

Email to the AA Leader

Hi B,

Thank you for today. I feel like regardless what happens, it was productive.

J seems more dysfunctional since we talked than before. The fact that he does not have a sponsor is telling to me. I don't think he has EVER had a real sponsor and I am still concerned about his sobriety. He does not feel "ok" to me. I do not feel safe around him and neither do the kids. The fact that I said that to you seems to have enraged him. When he left tonight, our son said, "Daddy doesn't seem ok. Maybe he's doing drugs.".

He already was yelling at me again tonight. He bounced a check to our daughter's school 3 weeks ago and never told me. I go in and out of that school every day. I can't understand not paying the teachers who spend all day with our child. I can't understand not making that right. I can't understand at least telling your wife so that if he wasn't man enough to do it, I could talk to the school. Instead, I found out through the bill I received today and opened tonight. J has optimism, that's for sure, but sometimes it seems more like insanity to me. He has a constant belief that everything will be right any time now, and he's thought that way since I knew him. Faith alone doesn't pay your bills.

The fact that J spends more time with friends that are active, heavy drinkers than working his program gives me great pause. The Halloween party that we went to on Saturday was concerning. Everyone was so drunk that they basically forgot about dinner. We had a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old there. I kept asking, and it was always almost done. I don't hang around people who drink like that on an empty stomach. I wouldn't go to a party with people that I knew to be like that. My family may drink wine with dinner, but no one gets drunk and dinner is always served. Kids come first. We finally left around 8 after my numerous requests to go get the kids some dinner.

The other day, J had his phone off and our son could not reach him. He later said he was at a basketball game with someone who I know owns several night clubs in town and definitely drinks heavily. We did not hear from him again until the next day. When a child leaves their father a voicemail early in the evening, I don't think it should ever go unreturned.

I don't have a drinking problem, but I certainly don't hang around with heavy drinkers. There is nothing we really have in common. My kids are my first priority and it would be hard for me to relate to someone like that. I am just wondering why someone who has a relapse history and serious drinking issues since the age of 12 would spend his time with people like this?

I am at a point where I don't know that I want a marriage with J. But for God's sake, I hope that my children will have a father that they can look up to and respect, because this breaks my heart. I can not remember ever in my life a single time where my dad did not keep his word to me or our family. He would break his back to do anything for us. To this day, he is the one I count on to be a role-model to my kids - he is my hope for them.

I know J and his dad don't like our son seeing a counselor and think he knows too much for his age, and I sort of got that sense from you today as well. But J and his dad put us in this situation where I need to think about my son first - and what his needs are. God knows no one ever did that for J - and look where he is today. I'll be damned if either of my children become addicts. I am in prevention mode all the way. My family has been a rock and a refuge for these kids. That and our church. I put my faith in people I know I can count on - because my kids count on me. J is a gamble - a big one. You don't build your house on the sand.

J needs a sponsor. J needs to work his program. J needs to take responsibility for himself - and this family.

And then, maybe, if he ever gets his act together, we will all still be here waiting for him.

And I for one would like you to speak to my father-in-law. We all deserve better than how he has treated us.

I will certainly put everything else you said to thought as well regarding what you said about me. I know I have a wall up with J. But that has been necessary. That said, I am deeply unhappy and disappointed to the core of my being with how this marriage has turned out. And I do want better. I do want to be happy and not be angry all the time.

Thanks B - probably more than you wanted to hear tonight but I am very, very upset. I hope you know how very much I appreciate you and all the time that you have spent with us.

The Meeting

I had a very trying morning, complete with a migraine, meds that made me tired, an emotional 3-year old, that proceeded to fall down face-first on her way into school, and a 2-hour work meeting that seemed to drag on forever. By the time I got in my car to head over to the other side of town for the meeting with the AA leader, I was in tears. I put on some Amy Winehouse, but that didn't help, so I turned to my favorite old gospel CD. I sang and cried my eyes out all the way there.

I remembered half-way through about the third song that I have been through a lot, and God has always gotten me through one way or another. I remembered in particular one morning, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. I was alone, in my favorite breakfast spot, and near tears the entire breakfast. At one point, I think I started to cry. I was unsure what this pregnancy would bring for me. It was obvious at that point that J. was an alcoholic, and my future seemed very grim. I remember one very kind man came over to me and asked if I was OK. We talked for a bit, and he invited me to come to his church. At that time, I was not feeling very religious, and especially not inclined to go to a Christian Church. But I was very grateful for his kindness, and even considered going, even though I sort of mocked Christianity in my head.

In any case, as it turns out, my son has been one of my greatest joys and blessings.

So I was glad to remember that moment, and I felt as though even though things are pretty bad right now, that someday I might look at this as a blessing too.

The AA Leader noticed that today was not a good day for me, and commented on it as we were leaving. I look so sad today. I really feel it.

Never-the-less, I do think our meeting was productive and I'm glad I went.

He shared some of both of our lists and said he felt hopeful that we could salvage our marriage. He told my husband that he has been very selfish and most of the reason we are at this point is because of him.

We talked a lot about my father-in-law and he offered to speak to him and be as harsh with him as he was with us if we would like him to. My husband did not say anything in response to that, but I think I would like him to.

We talked for over an hour and I feel like a lot was said that needs to be digested on both sides. One thing he asked me to think about is that I have a wall up. He said he did not think I could be happy or move on with my life until I got rid of that, and he encouraged me to look at that more closely. I will definitely spend some time with that (in my spare time, lol!).

He said my husband also had a wall up in that he always feels the need to defend himself, which makes me feel like he's not taking responsibility or going to change. He said he's waiting for me to pull my wall down, but he needs to take his down too.

He talked about being at our wedding, which has great sentimental value for me. He said we had made a commitment to each other and owed it to ourselves and our children to try to make things work. He called it "tough-shit". He said, "You can't stand your in-laws, you're married to an alcoholic, you're broke...tough shit!" Same sort of thing to my husband. He said we could spend a lot of time talking about the past and how you got here, but basically we'd be re-hashing everything and not getting anywhere.

He said getting divorced and marrying other people is not going to solve our problems.

That was one thing that really stuck with me from last summer. He said, "You might think that is the easier route, but it's not."

Overall, I am really glad we went. I really like the AA-Leader and I appreciate him taking time for us again.

Lists

Here are the lists I compiled for the AA leader.

How I'd like our marriage to look:

-J sober
-No interference from father-in-law. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with him and I don't particuarly want him around my children. I especially don't want him butting into my life, or telling me how to raise children, esp since he did not do a good job himself in my opinion. I have told J I would be more open to this if he gets counseling or even talks to you, but this has never happened to my knowledge. I resent constantly being asked for my father-in-law to see the kids when in my mind I would never subject my children to any sort of abuse. It's much easier to prevent abuse than erase the scars later. Our son has been in counseling for 2 years already, and I am the one who takes him there every week. I resent the damage the H-Family have caused and that it seems that I am the one who is always cleaning up after their mess. I would like my son to deal with the issues, and have him move on. I don't want my son to suffer the rest of his life. I want my children to be around positive, caring adults. I do not want to be asked even ONE MORE TIME about my father-in-law seeing the kids until he takes care of his end of the street.
-Me at home with the kids (mostly) - I would like my first priority to always be the children, then home, then work. I think meals together and family time is very important. I don't mind working so much, but I resent the extra pressure while the kids are so young...this time has already gone by quickly and I feel like I have missed out on a lot. I don't think that there is a more important job than raising our children well. I don't want another generation of alcoholics. I will do everything in my power to prevent that. You may disagree with me on this, but I think a lot of J's issues with drugs and alcoholism stem more from his environment than genetics. My most important role has been in helping get the kids through these difficult times - and my family has helped a great deal with that. I am not happy about our current financial state, but there is no amount of money that would make it worth it to me to mess up my children. (And that includes my father-in-law, because I get the feeling he thinks my children are for sale, and they are not.) I don't think my added stress from J's relapse and having to work (as opposed to wanting to work or contributing to the income) is helpful to our children. I try to take care of myself and be the best mother I can, but I am also human, and sometimes I feel like this is just too much for me.
-J home on time - call immediately if running late
-No all-nighters - ever, ever, ever...that would be a deal breaker.
-J at all birthday parties and other important family events
-Financially secure
-Regular date nights
-Family dinner together at the table 99% of the time (I cook most meals)
-Dedication to honesty in all things
-Regular vacations - both with the kids and alone
-Having fun - laughing
-Communication about financial issues - esp when things are not going to happen at a certain time
-No physical or verbal abuse


Things I love about J:

Sense of humor
Willingness to stick things out
Father of my children
Warmth and friendliness
Romantic side of him
His sense of style
Paying for our son to attend private school when his dad backed out of his commitment
His love for our children
Our history when he has been sober
He allows me to be myself
His optimism
His hugs
That he is able to be comforting when he wants to (ie, my dad is wonderful but not so much a comforter - more the quiet, stable type)
Checking in with me throughout the day
That he appreciates and enjoys my cooking

The Vault of my Heart

My husband and I are going to meet with the AA leader again tomorrow during lunch. I am supposed to email him before then with a list of things I love about my husband and tell him how I would like our marriage to look. My husband is supposed to do the same.

I started yesterday, but I have to say that I am still just angry about so many things. It has been hard for me to put this together.

I was home with my sick son yesterday so I watched the play of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Not as good as the movie, and the story line was a little different, but I still enjoyed it.

One line stuck with me: "A woman's heart is like a vault: when you're in, you're in. But when you're out, you're out."

Islamic Feminism

I met with the head of our local Muslim school yesterday, who I have known for over 10 years. I have been involved with the school for many years, but not as much as I would have liked after the birth of my children. I am going to be taking on a more active role now and I am very excited about that.

I had a very good talk with my friend, not only about the school and my son's school, which have a wonderful alliance, but also about life.

We talked a lot about my marriage and about my father-in-law. He was very surprised that my father-in-law had not been more supportive of both me and my marriage. He was also very surprised that my father-in-law did not work more closely with my husband. He said in Yemen, when a father is successful, it makes him proud to bring his son up in that same tradition.

I remember the same thing from my former father-in-law. Although he was not wealthy, he did own quite a bit of land. He was so proud of the fact that some day he would give all of that to his sons. (Women receive their inheritance when they marry as a way of insuring their financial control within the marriage. The money is theirs to keep. If the marriage goes south, they are not stuck.)

When I was leaving, my friend showed me the new library at the school, which he was very proud of. I noticed a women's studies section and in particular a book about Islamic Feminism, which I also have at home. I told him that we need to make sure that the girls graduate as Muslim feminists! Then I stopped myself, and we both agreed that Islam is a feminist religion that empowers women. I don't think very many people think of Islam in that way, but at it's root, that is what Islam set out to do. In many ways, that is what Islam has done for me.

Islam empowered me in a way that no other religion has. And, in going back to work, no other segment of my client base has been more supportive of me than my Muslim base.

I also was reflecting with my husband that it is so interesting that people stereotype Arab and Muslim men as holding back strong women, but my American father-in-law seems to have the problem with me, whereas my Arab and Muslim brothers seem to be very proud of my strength. My previous father-in-law is so proud of me. And yet all I feel from my current father-in-law is disgust.

My Rings

I had left my rings for sale with our trusted jeweler L. I have always adored L. He has a very sweet and genuine spirit. He is a small Jewish man, who seems to work hard but also really care about people.

I remember once my husband was hell-bent on buying me a Rolex watch for Christmas, which L sells at his store. But I don't like Rolex watches for women. I wanted another brand, which he does not carry. My husband couldn't understand why I wouldn't want a Rolex, which I suppose was the best in his mind. He was shopping all over town, and most places were hard selling what they had on hand. L just told him, flat out, you should buy her the watch she wants. He did, and that is the watch I still wear every day.

L is not in the resale business, but he told me he would sell my rings for me and make sure I got a good price for me, because they are very nice rings, and it would be difficult to get a decent price right now. He didn't ask much about my reasons. He just asked about how old the kids were now. Then he sort of stammered, and said, Ah, jeez, I'm sorry.

I hadn't heard much from him, but I trusted him to do the right thing. He had given me a quote to repair the rings, and I have him to go-ahead for that work even though it was costly. I knew the rings should be in tip-top shape to sell them.

It turns out, L, did all the repair work, put the rings in his safe, and started praying.

He prayed for my marriage to work out.

When we went to pick up them up, the rings look better than brand new. He told us to take them at no charge.

Thoughts Circling in my Head

I feel like I need to clear my head.

A lot has happened and I have not had the time or desire to write about it here.

My husband seems to have gotten his act together for the time being.

I say that somewhat, but not entirely hopefully, because he has done this before, although not to this extent.

He has become a father to the kids in a more active role than he ever has before.

He is sober, obviously sober.

He is working his program.

He is helping me.

He is bringing dinner when I am tired.

He is washing the dishes.

He is doing the laundry.

He is actively engaged with both of the children.

He is bringing me roses.

He is being thoughtful and considerate.

He is paying our children's tuition (on time).

He is giving me money when I need it.

But I am still tired and I am still hesitant to trust anything.

He continues to say he does not want a divorce, and I have continued to say that too much damage has been done. He says he wants to repair it. I say some things can not be repaired. He thinks anything can. I say, look at Katrina.

What impresses me about my husband is that he does not give up.

In any case, there have been a lot of things circling through my mind.

First of all, being divorced or separated from someone you have kids with is really not a whole lot different than being with that person. I still see him nearly every day. I still talk to him constantly. He just goes home to his place and sleeps there. There is still a relationship. It's just a lot more responsibility for me and a whole lot less money.

It is very exhausting being a single parent. I know I have said that before and I don't want to constantly complain about it, but I don't think it is a one-person job. I think I am very lucky to have my mom, and now, a husband that is helping quite a bit. But I am still quite tired all the time. I really think that there should be more help offered to people who are doing this on their own. That was one thing that really impressed me at the memorial service for Dick the other day - how many single mothers and children he had helped over the years. To me, that is making a difference.

At the end of the day, it is a very lonely and alienating job. Raising children is a big job period, but doing it alone is just a lot.

But that being said, there is also the nagging thought I have of, what if he relapses again? I can not put my kids or myself through that, again.

And I have said to him even, you are better off starting fresh with someone else, because I have given you so many fresh starts, and there will be no fresh start this time. He says he does not want a fresh start - he wants his family.

It seems that everyone has their opinions and dislikes of my husband. A lot of people want to see him suffer. But in the end, it is me that is suffering mostly because I am carrying the workload.

I am angry about a lot of things and a lot of those will take perhaps a lifetime to get over. I am mostly angry at my father-in-law though because I truly believe he set my husband up to fail in nearly every way.

My husband has failed me in so many ways, and that has been painful. Very painful. But I have to think that had he been raised differently, he would have made different choices.

When I look the children my father-in-law "raised", I see three things:
He raised the eldest to be "mentally unfit" and then left him to rot in a state home.
He raised my husband to be a dependent addict.
And he raised the youngest to believe he was stupid and incompetent.

Perhaps that is harsh, but that is how I see things.

What I believe about children is that you set them up to win. You give them wings to fly, not strings to hold them back.

Nothing has to be, or will be, decided today, or anytime soon for that matter. But these are my thoughts today.

Investing in Myself

I have a lot of driving time now with the new schedule. I got to thinking this morning about my life. I have spent a lot of time investing in other people, especially in men that I have been in relationships with.

When I met my first husband, English was his third language, after coming here from Africa (Lebanon originally). He was still learning English. I taught him to read in English, spending hours on one or two pages in the beginning. I helped him start several businesses. I helped him get through college and get his American citizenship. We took care of a baby that was not ours for about a year.

I don't have any regrets about any of this. I think he was a sound investment and I will always treasure his friendship. He has done well for himself and I am proud of him.

But that said, I wonder why I have felt that I am not worthy of investment in myself??

And, why have I invested over 7 years in a relationship with someone who has done nothing to make his life - or my life - better? I should have been investing in myself and in my children.

And I hope if nothing else comes out of this that that is the lesson I really learn. Because financially I am coming out out of this much worse than I came into it. And I think life, while it has it's twists and turns, should keep getting better and better; always moving up, not sideways, and certainly not down, down, down.

This has been a long detour.

Wedding Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary. Like the night before my wedding, I did not sleep much last night.

I kept thinking back to that night, the Rehearsal Dinner, and the sleepless night that followed.

Sometimes as women, we fail to follow our gut, and it kills us.

My father-in-law is the same entitled, ego-maniac that he was then. And that night it came out in full force. And looking back, I wonder, why I failed to respond to that sign and took the easy way out.

The rehearsal dinner was a disaster. My father-in-law started ranting and raving because things were moving too slow for his taste.

If I could do it again, I would immediately ask him to stop when the complaining first started, before it became fervent.

Instead of waiting for my husband or my father (the 2 men sitting at our table of 6) to tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP, I would have done it myself.

We did not even oppen the Prosecco. My father-in-law wanted to go home. Looking back, we had the money then, and I wish I had told my in-laws to go home and paid the tab myself. I wish I would have stayed and toasted with our guests and enjoyed the evening to the fullest.

The next morning, when my father-in-law called to aplogize, I wish I had not taken his call. Or I wish I had not told him it was OK. His actions have never been OK.

Looking back, I wish I would have seen this night for what it was. A sign of things to come. On some level, I knew that, and that is what kept me up most of the night.

Family is everything to me, and I have a great one. But I should have realize that I could never be happy in this family. Family permeates everything else. And the same bad traits usually come out in your spouse at some point.

Broken Pieces

I attended a Traditional Jewish wedding on Sunday with my dear friend T. I had never been to a Jewish wedding and I thought it was both beautiful and very meaningful. There were several traditions that I really liked.

At the end of the ceremony, the groom breaks a glass. Here is one of many explanations I found on the Internet.

There are various interpretations of why we do this and where the breaking glass Jewish wedding tradition came from. Here are a few of the most popular explanations:

Temple: Breaking of the Jewish wedding glass is a reminder of the destruction of the Temples in Jerusalem.

Superstitious: A loud noise is thought to drive away evil spirits.

Sadness/Joy: A reminder that even in times of great joy that there is sadness. That life will bring sadness as well as joy.

Hymen: A breaking of the glass represents symbolically the breaking of the hymen, and the consummation of the marriage.

Fragile: The glass symbolizes the love and relationship of the couple and is fragile, so it must be cared for and not broken. That sometimes a single thoughtless act, breech of trust, or infidelity can damage a marriage in ways that are very difficult to undo - just as it would be so difficult to undo the breaking of this glass. Knowing that this marriage is permanent, the bride and groom should strive to show each other the love and respect befitting their spouse and love of their life.

Broken World: A reminder that although the couple came together as a single union, the world as a whole is broken and needs mending.

Marriage is Forever: A broken Jewish wedding glass is forever changed, likewise, the couple are forever changed by the marriage and take on a new form.

Be Fruitful: A hope that your happiness will be as plentiful as the shards of glass…or that your children will be as plentiful as the shards of glass.

In jest, some explain that this is the last time the groom gets to "put his foot down."

It was a remarkable wedding and celebration and I was very glad to be there amongst so many dear friends.

I looked through my own wedding album with my daughter yesterday and many of the same wonderful friends were there celebrating with me on my day. It seems amazing that everyone looks so happy. So much has changed.

My son has lost his chubby cheeks. My grandpa has died. My great grandpa has died. My mom's husband has died. My Matron of Honor's father has died. Two of my sisters are divorced. My relationship with my in-laws is irreparably broken. My husband has relapsed multiple times. He doesn't even look like the same person. At our wedding he looks healthy. He has not looked healthy for a long time now.

I am trying to find some good shots of my wedding dress. I have been trying to sell it unsuccessfully on eBay for weeks now. I am trying to sell everything I can so we can get by until my income is steady and good enough to support all three of us.

It's funny the things that you hold onto and you think you can't do without for so long. I didn't ever think I would sell my wedding rings. I was so attached to those diamonds. But now I see that all these pretty things have cost me so much.

My daughter broke her Tiffany China plate I bought her as a baby a few weeks ago. It made me realize that even the things that we love, are sentimental about, that we cling to and don't want to let go of can be taken away in an instant. So it is better to realize that and just let go willingly. What are all these things if I can't take care of my children?