The Ties that Bind

I have learned a lot in these last few days.

It has been a very trying time for me.

The biggest lesson has been that when you are married to someone, regardless of what has gone down, you are loyal to that person.

I have always known that to some degree. There is nothing in the world I would not do for my first husband.

And I suppose I have to say that even though I have been angry and hurt, there is nothing I would not do for my current husband.

Divorce changes nothing. You are always tied to that person.

Whatever someone says or tries to say, you know the truth of it. You know that person. You know their limitations. You know their strengths. You always want the best for that person, and there is nothing or no one that can ever stand between that.

Tonight, I am grateful for both of the men who have married me.

I did not think I could learn or appreciate this marriage. But in 24 hours, I have. Deeply and profoundly.

Stop Reading My Blog

I am done being nice about this. You have done enough damage to me and the kids. This blog is my outlet, and it is mine. You have no business being here. You have no business reading my thoughts. My thoughts do not belong to you. I do not belong to you.

You need to stop blaming me and look at yourself.

A Gift

My husband came and picked up the kids about 2 hours ago. He was late, as usual, but I was glad for a little extra time with them. It is sad for me to see them go.

I took a nice walk. It's a beautiful day here. And then took a luxurious shower. I have struggled with letting my children go. But it occured to me this morning that this could be a gift to all of us.

I have not had free time like this since before I had children, nearly seven years ago. I love spending as much time as I can with my children, but there has been very little equality in my relationship and I have been given very little time to do things for myself. I have gotten used to that.

When we did have some extra money, we actually hired nannies to watch the kids. They were not spending that extra time with their dad. If I needed to do something, we paid someone money to watch our children. Looking back, I find that very sad.

Most of these nannies are no longer in our lives, with the exception of my sister, who watched my son the first 2 years of his life while I worked. And our dear A, who has become a very close friend. I'm glad the kids have this continuatity.

The other day, when I was pulling photos out to take to my son's school for a presentation, I asked him if he rememebered any of these other women. He did not. Even the photographs brought back no memories of them.

I am happy that my children will have this time with their dad. It did not come about the best or easiest way, but I do think it is important. I can not imagine not having the special times I had with my dad over the years. He was always taking us places, and I still carry on some of the same rituals with my children, like the park and the Blues Festival and the beach.

I saw this poem on Syd's blog about a month ago and I really liked it. If you have not checked it out, Syd writes a very good blog about his recovery in Al-Anon. It's one of the most centered recovery blogs I have come accross. (I'm just F.I.N.E. Recovery in Al-Anon).

In any case, this poem captures many of my feelings this morning, so I hope Syd won't mind if I reprint it here. :)


If you put your hands on this oar with me,
they will never harm another, and they will come to find
they hold everything you want.

If you put your hands on this oar with me, they would no longer
lift anything to your
mouth that might wound your precious land –
that sacred earth that is your body.

If you put your soul against this oar with me,
the power that made the universe will enter your sinew
from a source not outside your limbs, but from a holy realm
that lives in us.

Exuberant is existence, time a husk.
When the moment cracks open, ecstasy leaps out and devours space;
love goes mad with the blessings, like my words give.

Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of the past and the future?
The mind that tries to shape tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.

Be kind to yourself, dear – to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.

~ Rumi ~

By Any Means Necessary

Well, so far I'd call my husband's visitations disastrous, at least with my daughter.

She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.

It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.

I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.

He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.

My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)

They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.

What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.

She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.

I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.

He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.

I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.

He continued to text me. I ignored him.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.

He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.

I just want peace, for myself and for my children.

Nothing Has Changed

Things have been going quite a bit better with my husband. The one thing that always fouls us up though is his family.

His dad and the fourth wife will be coming to town in a few days for his aunt's funeral. I have major anxiety about seeing them and have had many nightmares about it. Everyone keeps asking me why I would even put myself through that.

I think for me funerals are just something you go to out of respect. I am not looking forward to seeing them by any means, but I feel that it is something I need to do.

This morning we got in an argument about the kids seeing his parents while they were in town. I still don't want my kids around them, especially without me there to protect them. But I also have no desire to be around them, and don't feel like I should have to do that either at this point.

What I told my husband is that he has been talking about his dad making an amends to me for some time. But that has never happened. And, we have also talked about the AA Leader talking to his dad, and that has not happened. I told him I would be foolish to do anything foolish until they make some changes on their part. I said, I don't even think they are nice to you - I think you are just so used to it that you don't notice how bad it is anymore.

I am very frustrated that we are still in this place. No matter what happens between my husband and me, this is something that will have to be resolved. And I am not willing to compromise anymore. There is just too much water under the bridge. The ball is in my father-in-law's court.

HELL

I am in such hell right now.

I have been having really bad stomach pains for 4-5 days. I finally went to the doctor today and then came home to rest. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound, as I needed to fast 10+ hours first.

My husband picked my daughter up from school for the first time in months. They came in and he finally brought back all my Christmas gifts. He had bought me some perfume and it was still in a box to my daughter was puzzled by it. She asked what it was. He said, that's what your mom puts on when she puts on her lingerie.

I looked at him puzzled and asked him if it was really necessary to say that in front of her.

He had offered to bring a pizza, but I felt worse just sitting here (and love to cook) so I told him I would just cook what I bought at the market yesterday. Funny, before they got here I was thinking to myself how much I had enjoyed just being a housewife and taking care of the house and family. I made a roast chicken, my favorite potatoes, garlic bread and a salad. I felt very satisfied with the meal.

My mom had picked my son up from school and brought him home. My husband started a huge fight with me in front of my mom and kids. He was supposed to come here tomorrow morning to take the kids to school so I could go back to the doctor and I think that's why he started it. (He has NEVER taken the kids to school before.) I had asked him to spend the night because the other night the pain was so bad and I wanted to go to the doctor but I had no one here and it was the middle of the night. He said he would come in the morning.

He took my perfume and threatened to throw it out into the back yard (which is like a huge forest or something with all these trees - we never would have found it, at least easily). He started talking about "my boyfriend" in front of the kids. I was like, I don't have a "boyfriend."

I told him to leave. He took my wedding rings again. (I always take them off when I cook or clean because they are nice rings.) Luckily I noticed before he left and threatened to call the police. He finally took them out of his pocket after telling me that they would do nothing because I'm his wife.

I screamed back at him I AM NOT Y0UR WIFE!!!!

He sat there and held up his middle finger to me for an extended period of time and kept saying, "I'm done with you. I'm done with you."

He said he would be back in the morning, but I don't want to fight with him and I certainly can not depend on him. How many times has he let me down before? I told him he would probably just leave me here dead like his aunt.

My mom is going to spend the night. She left with my daughter to get some stuff. I can't stop crying. I can't believe, after so many sacrifices all these years, sobriety, rehab and more rehab, abuse, bullshit, verbal abuse, women and expensive hotel rooms, depleting our finances...all of it...that this is where we have ended up.

My mistake for ever thinking shit could turn into pudding.

Hating Myself

I had another mostly sleepless night last night. I am back to listening to a lot of my New Age tapes - Louise Hay right now. I started doing some affirmations and meditations to help me sleep. I realized last night how hard it has become - my mind wanders almost immediately.

I think I have really begun to hate myself. I thought I just hated what my life (for the most part) has become and the actions of my husband and his family. But it became apparent last night that that has transferred to me too.

I think it's hard for me to forgive now because I did all this when my husband went to rehab the first time. I wasn't sure I should continue on in the relationship. But I decided it was better for my son and I worked on myself while he was at rehab for 2 months.

I felt at that time, that all was forgiven. We had a few good years together in there. I did not bring up the past. We had our daughter, which was a very joyous time for me.

But then, he relapsed - and now I almost feel foolish for not believing that he would. It seems now it would have been easier to leave that wall up and move on at the time of the first rehab.

But now I am two kids in and many more years. I don't know where this relationship will end up. But I don't want to keep feeling this way.

Robots

My husband hasn't seen the kids much these last few weeks.

Last night we all had dinner together for about an hour at the Spaghetti factory. But there wasn't a lot of quality time and things between us are very strained.

He was supposed to come today at 12:30 when we came back from church to do something special with the kids on his own.

I had missed a call from him at church but called him back to let him know that we would be back home by 12:30, as planned. He sorta paused so I said, are we still on?

He said I think I'll come at 2:30. I asked him what was up and he said he was getting a lot done at his house. I told him that time wasn't going to work but he could come for dinner and that I was making fried chicken. (which we all love.)

I stayed calm and got off the phone. My daughter is not at an age where she cares much but my son burst into years. He had heard us on the phone. He asked, why isn't my dad going to do what he said? I thought he was going to do something fun with me.

I really didn't know what to say to that. He's right. I can never remember my dad not showing up or not keeping his word. I can't imagine what he is feeling. It breaks my heart to see his face drop like that. His head literally sunk.

I sat with him on the stairs for a while and held him. I don't think I can justify or defend his dad anymore but I also hate to see him feel bad.

I told him how special and loved he is. I said, do you know how many people would love to spend the day with you?

I said how about if we do something special? He remembered something he needed help with on the computer and we tried to figure that out for a bit.

I texted my husband and told him what our son said. He said he would come right over.

We talked and I told him he needs to keep his word to the kids. I told him this wasn't fair to our son. He told me this was "hard for all of us.".

I said he's 6! Imagine how he feels?

Over an hour later, he still was not here. I was trying to put my daughter down for a nap and feel stressed about everything we need to get ready to start school again tomorrow.

My husband said the way things are set up make it difficult sometimes.

I asked him, "It is difficult for you to show up on time for the 2 times a week you see your children?" I told him to forget it. I'm done talking to him. I've already done damage control for today with the kids and we don't need him showing up here late later (if at all).

I wonder if he ever thinks about the long-term damage this will cause his children. Kids need consistency. They need honesty. Somehow I manage to be on time for both the kids 99% of the time will 2 schools, hectic extra-curricular schedules, play-dates, birthday parties, a house to run, a job and everything else. It is not easy, but I do it.

I am not happy. I don't know if I should have told my husband or not. It just turned into an argument and more justifications from him. The end result is that he still is not here. I don't know what the answer is with my children and their dad. All I can try to do is be the best mother I can and keep other positive men in their lives.

Church is also great. They did not want to leave today. We stayed in the fellowship hall for nearly an hour after church ended talking to people. I am grateful for that church. I feel very tired and emotional today and cried several times during the service. A teenager sang Ave Maria beautifully and I could not stop the tears from coming.

Sometimes it is hard for me to sit alone but I am always glad that I went instead of sitting at home.

The kids enjoyed their time in Sunday school and joined me later for communion. I am very happy that they have also found joy and comfort in church. Many people commented to me that they love the energy my children bring to the church. I'm glad they have a place where they are loved and cherished.

So many people have taken interest in the kids at church. Today, a man who is an engineer (and seems to be about the kindest man I've ever met) invited us to come to his home and see the robots he makes. He runs a program for older kids where theiy build robots. He sat down with him and let him explain all his Pokemon cards to him. He was very sincere and genuine with him, asking a lot of questions.

There are so many members there that are so engaged in meaningful projects and service-work and have some wonderful interests. This man has 3 kids and a wife of his own, but here he is offering to teach my son something he would really enjoy.

And his own father can't even make it on time? His own father can't manage to show up in over a week.

I didn't grow up this way so this is something that is impossible for me to fathom. My kids are amazing and precious. It is very hard to forgive someone for (continually) hurting your children.

I don't know if I ever can.

Sick Reflections

I have been sick since Saturday, and my son threw up last night, so I'm home with both kids today. I realized today that more than anything else, I have been upset with my husband about our financial situation because I have not had the time with the kids that I want. The happiest times for me are just being with my children. Even if I'm just at home doing the laundry, with them playing in the background - I love their sounds.

Going back to work has been frustrating. It's not the same market it used to be. There are all new rules, regulations and paperwork. And, business is hard to come by. I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall all day, and then I have to come home to the housework, which always seems ahead of me. My time with the kids seems short and rushed. I enjoy my co-workers and my cliens, but I hate my "job".

I also noticed that my husband and I have been getting along better. And mostly I think when I'm nice to him, he reacts nice. When I act angry, he reacts the same way. And vice versa. So I need to pay more attention to that. Because this is a much better way to live.

Thanksgiving Day

My mom took the kids the night before Thanksgiving so I could get things done. I had a feeling my husband would take issue with that, so I didn't tell him. Lately he always assumes when I have a free night that I am with someone else.

I felt very depressed and didn't get much done, except for moping around. I watched an OK movie and did a little here and there to get ready for the next day.

Thursday morning I woke up and took a walk, which was nice. I rarely have time for that on Thanksgiving Day, and usually I have both my kids, who can't do the big hills by our house very well.

My sister came around noon to help, and my mom brought the kids back a little before that. The best part of my day was the time I spent with my sister. We don't have as much time together lately and I have missed her. We are always silly and light-hearted together.

We decided to sneak out for an hour and go see both of our grandmas. My mom's mom has cancer and it really isn't treatable. She's opted to go out pretty naturally, which I respect. I think I would want the same thing. She's still pretty young to be a great-grandma (early 70's) and it does seem like she's too young to die. She has always been very strong and not very emotional. I've only seen her cry a few times, and I remember each scene vividly. It was like something breaking this strong foundation that I love so much. I cry just thinking about it.

She has become slightly more emotional lately - and more into seeing everyone. In the past she was happy to just stay at her house alone. I see a lot of myself in her. Perhaps it is being with an alcoholic for a long time (36 years for my grandma) that wears you down until you just can't show any sign of emotion.

Two of my uncles were over there, and so was my mom. We had a nice visit and I'm glad we went, even though we had the food in the oven and no one was there to watch it, lol!

Then we went over to see my dad's mom, which was a little more difficult. She has always been very clingy, and now moves very slow, so it was difficult to do a quick hello. But as we were leaving my sister said, that was probably the highlight of her week. She loves to see my kids, and I love to see her too. I just have felt very tired and depressed lately, so I don't go lately. Now that I'm back at work, there is little time between that and the kids to just go visit someone.

We rushed to finish everything once we got home, and my husband came, bringing my dear friend T, who does not drive. His partner used to drive him or he would take a bus. Our house is not easy to get to with out a car, so I was grateful to my husband for getting him. He's had a hard year between caring for his sick partner, and then losing him. I love to see T. He is someone who always says exactly what is on his mind, and he always makes me smile. Sometimes he offends people, but I love that about him too. He doesn't tip-toe around anyone. He is fully himself - and there are too few people like that.

My children told their dad about spending the night with their grandma and he came over and asked me about it. It felt more like an accusation than a question. I asked him, "Have you ever made a Thanksgiving dinner with 2 little children around? It's a lot of work."

I resent him even questioning me. He has every night to spend as he wishes. I don't get into his business. He is the one who stepped out of our marriage 3 times, and now he wants to question me? When I'm making a fucking Thanksgiving Dinner??!! I started venting to my mom about it in the kitchen. I thought he had stepped outside, but it turns out he had come back in and probably heard me.

Things were tense. He carved the turkey. We all got our food and sat down to eat. I just started eating.

T. surprised me by asking to say a prayer before dinner. I'm not feeling super religious, so I asked him to do it. It was beautiful.

During dinner, my sister and T made a toast, more to each other than anything, to past, current and future lovers. We all raised our glasses. I actually thought it was a great toast. I could see my husband was visually upset however.

He sort of sulked through the rest of the dinner. My sister ended up taking T home and he stayed and washed most of the dishes. It was nice of him to wash the dishes, but I hate that negative energy there when you know there is something wrong and the person won't just come out with it.

After he left, he texted me about it.

I felt like it was not the Thanksgiving I hoped for, at least not the dinner. The food did not taste especially good to me, and I ended up eating only about half of what I take. Usually I take pride in my cooking and love to eat, but I didn't enjoy the meal the way I had hoped.

Family Weekend

The kids and I spent a lot of time with my husband this weekend, which was mostly good. Saturday I had a meeting, so he came and watched the kids after his AA meeting for a few hours. Later that night, I had a chance to go to a concert I really wanted to see with a friend, so he also stayed with them then. He ended up falling asleep with the kids and spent the night. Sunday, we all spent the day together, which was fine until the end.

I was very tired after not sleeping well the night before. I needed a nap, but it never happened. The kids need to be in bed by 7, especially now that they're both sick. I feel like I am constantly hammering this into my husband's head, but he never seems to get it. Same thing when he lived at home and they were both napping. Every weekend, I had to repeat the nap schedule and explain why we needed to do something right then. It frustrates the hell out of me!! My mom always defends him and says he has ADD, but that frustrates me too. If you have ADD, take the flippin' medicine for it!! And, I also go back to blaming my in-laws for giving him alcohol as a child, which I believe screwed up his brain development.

In any case, he rented the most stupid movie I have ever seen (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) and I told him that before we even opened the case. I was trying to read the NY Times and he kept asking me if I was watching the movie - even after repeatedly telling him that I thought it was stupid. Why does he care if I am watching the movie or not? To me, it seemed controlling. And, who would chose to watch a dumb movie over reading something intellectually stimulating?!

So by 7:30 when the movie was finally over, I was annoyed. My daughter was cranky and she will never sleep until the distraction of her dad leaving is over. I have been through this with him numerous times before as well. He kept saying, "I'm leaving now, I'm leaving now." And I kept thinking, "OK, leave!" Don't tell me five times you are leaving and then stay.

Same thing in the morning. He said, "I'll let you sleep in". But then he kept just staying there and not taking care of the kids. By the time he finally left, I was irritated and hungry and couldn't get back to sleep. I realize it was nice of him to offer and nice of him to be there, but I am with the kids for the most part 24-7, and I never have the possibility of sleeping in, whereas he has complete freedom to do so whenever he pleases since he lives alone. I don't think he gets this.

So back to 7:30 when I was trying to get my daughter to bed...she started arguing with me and saying she didn't want to go to bed. Meanwhile my husband is just fumbling around the house. My daughter ended up falling face-first into the molding on the stairs. She got this huge welt on her head. It starts filling up with blood and turning black. My husband is not a quick thinker with the kids, which also annoys me. I'm sitting there holding her and trying to comfort her, and I'm like, "Get me some ice!" Then I tell him to get me some Tylenol (which I now know I"m not supposed to do after a child hits their head). So he asks me where it is. THE SAME PLACE IT HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS!! UGHHHHH!

Then he bring out some chewable Tylenol. I was totally losing it because my daughter won't take that. And as her father, it seems like that would be something he would know. But he doesn't. So things are totally escalating between us, and I finally go to get some myself. The Tylenol is in an unopened box so I grab the Ibuprofen. He's like you didn't say Ibuprofen, and I'm like, what's the difference!? She is hurt and screaming and needs something for her pain NOW!!! So we end up getting into a huge fight, with ends with him telling me to "Just stop talking to me."

I told him he never gets to tell me when to stop talking.

I call the doctor to see if I need to bring her in. They run through all her symptoms with me and say no. I learn I shouldn't have given her anything, especially Ibuprofen because that can make her throw up after hitting her head. (She never does). They tell me to put her to sleep with me, but to completely wake her up every 4 hours to make sure she is OK. And to watch her for the next 24 hours and bring her in if she throws up more than twice.

My husband finally leaves and I put both children in bed with me. They are completely wound up and don't end up going to sleep for at least an hour. Once they finally quiet down, my daughter asks me, "Why did daddy tell you to stop talking to him?" My son chimes in that that is never OK to say to someone and we have a conversation about that.

It seems like no matter how great things are, when we argue, we still end up in the same awful spot.

On the way to school this morning I realized how much I have come to depend on my son to help me. Since it's usually just the 3 of us, I am always asking him to help me with things. Had his dad not been there, it would have been him that got me everything. And unlike his dad, he would have been able to do it. I start tearing up. He's not even 7. He's super responsible and and amazing kid, but this is never the life I wanted for him. I didn't want him to have to be super responsible like I was. I wanted him to just be a kid and enjoy his life.

What to do?

I am home today for the second day - trying to work and take care of two sick kiddos. Going back to work with young children and doing so successfully seems almost impossible to me these days. Now that both kids are in different schools, there is always at least one day a week when one or both is either sick or off school. I can already see the effect it has on my work, which is slow to begin with.

The mortgage industry is definitely not what it used to be. I don't see myself making a good income there anymore without 1) gauging people and going against my own principles. 2) working ungodly hours and ditching my kids somewhere when they are sick or unable to go to school. And even if I was willing to compromise on either or both of those things, it still is not going to provide the income that it used to.

A lot of my friends in the industry are getting out altogether, or already have. In my state, we went from 15,000 mortgage originators to 5,000. I think that will continue to go down - and one could say that I could reap the benefits. But there are also so few people who qualify for loans these days that I think more people should probably get out. Half the time I start a loan only to find out that I can't do it for some reason half way through the process (or worse yet, at the end). Usually this is because the value of the home has dropped too far down. I am completely commission based, so if the loan does not fund, I do not get paid.

I am growing tired of all the new regulations. What keeps me in is the flexibility and my clients.

That said, I still need to be able to make a living.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and trying to rack my brain for any other ideas. The job market is very bad here (about the worst in the nation). But there has to be something.

I wish I could just raise my kids and not worry about it. But money is always a constant concern.

I wish our society placed more value on raising children well. I don't think there is anything more important than that. But it seems to be a job reserved for the wealthy for the most part. Or in my case, I think we probably could have raised the kids on one income if my husband had continued to work, did not have alcohol & drug problems, and if we had budgeted better from the get-go.

Now we have an enormous budget to tackle every month - and once you have established that, you can't very well go back on most of your commitments. We have cut down, and cut down, and cut down - but there is still a lot to pay every month. If I could go back and do it over again, I would have been more involved in our budget from the get-go. I felt like my husband was making so much money and it was not an issue at the time - and who was I to say anything when I wasn't bringing in the money? Well, now that there isn't as much money, it sure has a lot to do with me, and it effects my stress level enormously.

Am I a Horrible Person?

Several things from the argument are haunting me.

My husband told me numerous times that I am "a horrible person."

I know this is not true and I don't know anyone else who would say such a thing to me, but it is still bothering me. Who is this man, who says he wants to be my husband, to tell me something like that?

What have I done to make me horrible?

If you want to compare, I think he would come up to be the horrible one. But do I tell him that? No.

The other thing is that he kept saying that everyone keeps telling him that I don't love him and that he's a fool.

Who would tell him something like that? Is that really productive?

The only person I can think of is his father- who has been married 4 times. And honestly, that pisses me off. That dysfunctional piece of shit is always interfering in our life. I don't know that anyone has ever truly loved him. It's all about his money. There is no honest love, especially when you have been married 4 times. It's not like meeting someone when you're young and becoming successful together. He distrusts everyone and he probably should. Especially when you are an asshole with money, you always have to worry about what people really want from you. It's not like people would put up with him if he didn't have any money.

How do you measure someone else's love? How is that for anyone to say - especially anyone who has not walked in my shoes these last 7 years. Who can blame me for not feeling love-y all the time?

I asked him about this again this morning and he said if you're really in love with someone you just go with it and make it work regardless of what has happened. Well, I have done that - numerous times. That time is over for me. Perhaps things will change and over time I will feel differently - but right now I don't.

I think that's one big downside of AA. People start to think that their behavior and their families are normal, and they are not. Most families don't behave like this. I think alcoholics should judge themselves by the standards that the rest of us have to live by.

The Vault of my Heart

My husband and I are going to meet with the AA leader again tomorrow during lunch. I am supposed to email him before then with a list of things I love about my husband and tell him how I would like our marriage to look. My husband is supposed to do the same.

I started yesterday, but I have to say that I am still just angry about so many things. It has been hard for me to put this together.

I was home with my sick son yesterday so I watched the play of Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Not as good as the movie, and the story line was a little different, but I still enjoyed it.

One line stuck with me: "A woman's heart is like a vault: when you're in, you're in. But when you're out, you're out."

The Health Effects of Teen Alcohol Use

I have been thinking a lot this morning about the damage inflicted upon my husband by his father. Primarily, the alcoholic damage - because there is a lot of damage I could talk about. It seems to be never-ending.

If you cause an accident which causes brain damage or any other damage to a person physically or emotionally, typically you are sued and forced to pay for that damage.

When you give a child alcohol at the age of 12, and reinforce alcoholic and dysfunctional behavior their entire childhood - you promote a pattern that is difficult to escape.

When you provide alcohol to a teenager, when their brain is developing at its most critical stage, the brain never fully develops or recovers.

I have been thinking this morning about all the ways that my husband never seems to be able to fully get things together. The way it takes him over an hour to get ready in the morning. How we are always waiting for him (when we live together). He can not seem to make simple choices. In his career, how he always seems just shy of making it. And now we blame that on ADD - but I really wonder what connection that has to drinking as a child - and if his "ADD" is either caused by or simply the result of his father's negligence.

And quite frankly, it outrages me. I think all children of alcoholics should be entitled to damages. Damages for growing up in a fucked up environment. Damages, in my husband's case for the harm caused by drinking alcohol at such a young age. Because I can tell you this, most children do not make that choice. I was never given alcohol as a child. I don't know many people who were (other than perhaps a sip of something). But when you give a child beer or other alcohol, you should be prepared to face the consequences - for the rest of your life. Because the repercussions from that irresponsible action will follow that child for the rest of theirs.

Here is just one article I found, but the body of evidence is enormous, and something I am going to start paying more attention to.


The Health Effects of Teen Alcohol Use

There has been many studies conducted on the health effects of both short-term and long-term use of alcohol among adults. Long-term risks inlcude liver damage, pancreatitis, certain cancers, and literal shrinkage of the brain. Alcohol use is the second leading cause of dementia; one simple ages quicker on alcohol. (3) But professionals today are worried about a steady increase in teen alcohol abuse and the possible negative health effects. According to an article published by the British Medical Association (BMA) entitled: “Alcohol and Young People”, “…there was a general rise in the proportion of 11 to 15 year-olds who drink alcohol regularly, but also there is an increase in the amount they are drinking on each occasion.”

Adolescence is a transition time when the body is undergoing many significant changes, such as hormonal alterations and brain development. It is also a time when young people start to associate more with friends and associates beyond their childhood contacts. They feel an increased pressure to ‘fit in’ or ‘go along with the crowd’ in order to be accepted socially. These new circumstances can be confusing and difficult for the youth to understand and deal with. Often their ability to make correct or safe decisions is also at a stage of immaturity. Exposing the brain to alcohol during this period may interrupt key processes of brain development, possibly leading to mild cognitive impairment as well as to a further escalation of drinking.

Alcohol is absorbed very rapidly into the blood stream from the stomach lining, in as short a time as 5 to 10 minutes and it’s effects last for several hours depending on the amount ingested and how quickly it was consumed. Females absorb alcohol faster than males because their bodies contain less water. The water dilutes the alcohol and so the same amount of alcohol will produce a higher concentration in the blood. After consuming only 2 to 3 normal strength beers, or 4 or 5 standard glasses of wine, most people will feel less inhibited and more relaxed. Anything consumed after this amount most people slur their speech and become less coordinated and clumsy. Some people have increased emotional reactions. More alcohol could result in staggering, double vision, and loss of balance, nausea, vomiting and an impression of the room spinning.

According to information issued from the U. S. government publication entitled Prevention Alert, teen alcohol abuse showed many negative side effects. “Subtle alcohol-induced adolescent learning impairments could affect academic and occupational achievement. In one study……short-term memory skills were evaluated in alcohol-dependent and nondependent adolescents ages 15 and 16. The alcohol-dependent youth had greater difficulty remembering words and simple geometric designs after a 10-minute interval. In this and similar studies memory problems were most common among adolescents in treatment who had experienced alcohol withdrawal symptoms. The emergence of withdrawal symptoms generally indicates an established pattern of heavy drinking. Their appearance at a young age underscores the need for early intervention to prevent and treat underage drinking. Early alcohol use may have long lasting consequences. People who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence at some time in their lives compared with those who have their first drink at age 20 or older. It is not clear whether starting to drink at an early age actually causes alcoholism. Environmental factors may also be involved, especially in alcoholic families, where children may start drinking earlier because of easier access to alcohol in the home, family acceptance of drinking and lack of parental monitoring.

Aside from the fact that underage drinking is illegal, it poses a high risk to both the individual and society. We will discuss some of the consequences of teen alcohol abuse.

Drinking and Driving
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death among youth ages 15 to 20. The rate of fatal crashes among alcohol-involved drivers between 16 and 20 years old is more than twice the rate for alcohol-involved drivers 21 and older.

Suicide
Alcohol use interacts with conditions such as depression and stress to contribute to suicide, the third leading cause of death among people between the ages of 14 and 25. In one study, 37 percent of eighth grade females who drank heavily reported attempting suicide, compared with 11 percent who did not drink.

Sexual Assault
Sexual assault, including rape, occurs most commonly among women in late adolescence and early adulthood, usually within the context of a date. In one survey, approximately 10 percent of female high school students reported having been raped. Research suggests that alcohol use by the offender, the victim or both, increase the likelihood of sexual assault by a male acquaintance.

High-Risk Sex
Research has associated adolescent alcohol use with high-risk sex, for instance, multiple partners or unprotected sex. The consequences of high-risk sex also are common in this age group, particularly unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. According to a recent study, the link between high-risk sex and drinking is affected by the quantity of alcohol consumed. The probability of sexual intercourse is increased by drinking amounts of alcohol sufficient to impair judgment, but decreased by drinking heavier amounts that result in feelings of nausea, passing out, or mental confusion. Binge Drinking. Though most college drinkers would deny it, young people do die solely from drinking. In 1995, 318 people ages 15 to 24 died from alcohol poisoning alone, man of them after a night binge at college. At the University of Virginia, a tradition that has seniors drinking a fifth of hard liquor at the final game of the football season (so-called “Fourth-year Fifth”) has killed 18 students since 1990. (3)



Works Cited


British Medical Association BMA, article Alcohol and Young People, Health 1999
(2) Prevention Alert, Vol. 5 Number 6 May 10, 2002,
ncadi.samhsa.gov/govpubs/prevalert/v5/2.aspx

(3) Author: Kattie Payne, RN, PhD Last updated September 9, 2002, copyright 1995-2004, Healthwise, Incorporated, P. O. Box 1989, Boise, ID 83701.

Taken from teendrugabuse.us

Thoughts Circling in my Head

I feel like I need to clear my head.

A lot has happened and I have not had the time or desire to write about it here.

My husband seems to have gotten his act together for the time being.

I say that somewhat, but not entirely hopefully, because he has done this before, although not to this extent.

He has become a father to the kids in a more active role than he ever has before.

He is sober, obviously sober.

He is working his program.

He is helping me.

He is bringing dinner when I am tired.

He is washing the dishes.

He is doing the laundry.

He is actively engaged with both of the children.

He is bringing me roses.

He is being thoughtful and considerate.

He is paying our children's tuition (on time).

He is giving me money when I need it.

But I am still tired and I am still hesitant to trust anything.

He continues to say he does not want a divorce, and I have continued to say that too much damage has been done. He says he wants to repair it. I say some things can not be repaired. He thinks anything can. I say, look at Katrina.

What impresses me about my husband is that he does not give up.

In any case, there have been a lot of things circling through my mind.

First of all, being divorced or separated from someone you have kids with is really not a whole lot different than being with that person. I still see him nearly every day. I still talk to him constantly. He just goes home to his place and sleeps there. There is still a relationship. It's just a lot more responsibility for me and a whole lot less money.

It is very exhausting being a single parent. I know I have said that before and I don't want to constantly complain about it, but I don't think it is a one-person job. I think I am very lucky to have my mom, and now, a husband that is helping quite a bit. But I am still quite tired all the time. I really think that there should be more help offered to people who are doing this on their own. That was one thing that really impressed me at the memorial service for Dick the other day - how many single mothers and children he had helped over the years. To me, that is making a difference.

At the end of the day, it is a very lonely and alienating job. Raising children is a big job period, but doing it alone is just a lot.

But that being said, there is also the nagging thought I have of, what if he relapses again? I can not put my kids or myself through that, again.

And I have said to him even, you are better off starting fresh with someone else, because I have given you so many fresh starts, and there will be no fresh start this time. He says he does not want a fresh start - he wants his family.

It seems that everyone has their opinions and dislikes of my husband. A lot of people want to see him suffer. But in the end, it is me that is suffering mostly because I am carrying the workload.

I am angry about a lot of things and a lot of those will take perhaps a lifetime to get over. I am mostly angry at my father-in-law though because I truly believe he set my husband up to fail in nearly every way.

My husband has failed me in so many ways, and that has been painful. Very painful. But I have to think that had he been raised differently, he would have made different choices.

When I look the children my father-in-law "raised", I see three things:
He raised the eldest to be "mentally unfit" and then left him to rot in a state home.
He raised my husband to be a dependent addict.
And he raised the youngest to believe he was stupid and incompetent.

Perhaps that is harsh, but that is how I see things.

What I believe about children is that you set them up to win. You give them wings to fly, not strings to hold them back.

Nothing has to be, or will be, decided today, or anytime soon for that matter. But these are my thoughts today.

I hit a pole

I have been up most of the week with my daughter and my own sickness. I am really tired and angry. I have been dealing with my husband on the premise that you get what you give. And I have been giving and giving and giving. Another saying I remember someone telling me, that I took on wholeheartedly, is you can't out give the universe.

There has never been a night in 7+ years where my husband has got up with the kids. There has never been a day where they were sick, and he stayed home with them. Even when he was not working. There has never been a dime that I did not work my ass off for that was not 100% for my family. Even when I had to cash in retirement accounts, I did it. Because I would never let my children suffer.

I should have sent his ass to work. I should have filed for child support when my son was born.

I do not deserve to be in the situation I am in. I do not deserve it.

When I tell people that my husband has told me that I have not been supportive of him, they look at my like I am crazy. How much support could you have possibly given him? Two rehabs? WTF?

When I tell people that my husband says he only has a felony cocaine conviction because of me, they say, what?? Did you buy the cocaine and stuff it up his nose?

His thinking is so distorted.

For him to think that he can somehow control me by cutting off nearly all financial support? Well that is bull shit. That is abuse. That is just sickening.

And that is a pattern.

I just got so mad while I was talking about him that I hit the gas in drive instead of reverse and smashed my car into a pole. Thankfully, I was alone.

I can not talk to him anymore. He is a poison snake.

He is an exact replica of his father, and I am sure he is very proud of himself right now.

The day my divorce is finalized will be the happiest day of my life. I never, never should have married that man. I never should have even been with him in the first place.

Dog Snatcher

There is so much to write about that I really don't know where to start. The fighting has escalated between my husband and me. There seems to be little peace. He is texting me 50-100 times a day, and calling at least 8-20 times. I have decided to ignore him. There is little good in responding at this point. I really don't have anything to respond back with that he can remotely understand or empathize with.

He refuses to give us any money, even when he promises he will. Only if something is dire, like the cable or electricity are about to be shut off, will he pay them directly. He thinks he is justified because he is paying (so far) for the kids private tuition. I suppose that makes all sorts of sense to him because it strokes his ego to know his kids are attending the best schools in our area - and he gets to socialize with all the rich people he cares so much about.

But what good is private school if you can't feed your kids or pay your basic bills? It makes no sense to me. I'm glad my kids can attend. I think education is important. But not like this. My husband seems to have gone completely mad.

I do not believe he has any intention of settling this peacefully or respectfully anymore, so I am going to get my own attorney. It will be worth it to me. I'm tired of being jerked around. And I think he is just dragging this out, thinking that I am going to be stupid enough to settle for whatever jacked-up proposal he sends me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to meet at our gym at 1pm. He called me after 1 and said he was running late. I continued my work out. (The kids were in the kids room, having fun, but waiting for their dad to pick them up). In any case, he started sending me nasty texts so I ignored him. I went to pick up the kids about an hour later and he had not showed up. The kids asked me why their dad didn't pick them up. I told them I didn't know. We went swimming. The nasty texts continued. Somewhere in there, my husband told me that he had taken our dog. Then he said he'd meet us and give him the dog. His mentality seemed to go something like this: I did not meet my obligation to meet the kids at 1pm. You won't reschedule, so I will take something that is vital and important to you so that you will have to meet me to get it.

His official reasoning was that it was hot outside. Well, it's a dog, a dog that has often been outside, without incident. My husband has never shown any concern for that dog before. In fact, when I was pregnant with our son, and threatened to leave him, he told me if I did, he would take the dog. And not because he cared about the dog. He said it because he knew it would hurt me.

Being pregnant with an alcoholic partner that sometimes does not bother to ever come home is pure hell. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights when I was pregnant. That dog was my only solace. At that point in my life I rarely called anyone for help. I would just sit there and cry and snuggle with our little dog until I fell asleep.

I remember that threat now so vividly and I wish I would have just left. It's the same bull shit now except there are two kids involved.

I think what my husband had in mind was to barter the kids with the dog. My daughter now uses the dog for solace. She walks around every room in the house carrying that dog. She adores him. He is her comfort, as he used to be mine.

I warned the kids before we arrived home that the dog would not be there. I was not about to give my husband the satisfaction of any emotional breakdowns from any of us. I thought my kids were OK, but last night, my daughter awoke around 4am with a nightmare about her dog being gone and woke us all up with her screaming and yelling. It took a while to get everyone back to sleep and then I laid there for about an hour before I could.

For my husband to take that dog was one of the most disturbing things he has done thus far. I told him he was lucky I did not call the police. That seemed to baffle him. He said we were lucky that the police didn't come and take the dog.

Well, that logic makes no sense to me. It's a small 5-lb dog that has wondered around the neighborhood like a cat the entire 5-years we have been here. The kids left the dog outside, yes. Ironically, we were in a rush to meet their father on time. We were only going to be gone a few hours and the dog just goes to the back and waits for us in the shade.

My husband brought the dog back today while we were at church. He was supposed to also bring a check for the 3rd day in a row, but had yet another excuse why he could not do that. I'm sick of his excuses. I'm sick of his distorted mind.

So I have told him to talk to my attorney if he needs to contact me. I am done.

My new schedule is crazy and I have been inclined to skip workouts and church, but I realized today that these are the things that I CAN NOT skip. They nurture my body, my soul and my mind.

So I am going to try to be more diligent about making time. I also signed up for teaching a few Sunday School lessons. I want to focus more on giving back. It seems like my husband sucks so much life out of me. I'm trying to fill up our lives with enriching things so that there is no time for him to detract from us.

I realized yesterday that he really brings nothing positive to the table for any of us. So we will see what a judge mandates in terms of visitations - but I am no longer going to go out of my way to make things easier for him. The days of me cooking him dinner or persuading the kids to talk to him on the phone are over.

The kids and I are going to stay focused on positive and enjoyable things for us.

Accepting Change

Tomorrow is the start of school, and I can not sleep. I am very upset about my daughter starting school on an all-day basis. It just breaks my heart. I started thinking about the passage about acceptance and decided to post it again.

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could no stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. " p448, The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous

I can accept that this is the best and only decision I have for my daughter right now. What is hard to accept is that it is the selfish actions of her father and his family that has brought us to this place. That I can't accept, and I don't know if I will ever be able to accept it.

My daughter is 3-years-old. We can never get this precious time back. I feel like it is being robbed from me. I feel like her happy little spirit is being robbed from her. And I am very, very angry about that.

Earlier today my husband wanted to stop by to get some things and I became upset. Why do we always have to change our plans to accommodate him? When does he ever accommodate us?

I told him not to come. I am tired of having my children's lives upset and turned upside down. I am tired of him pretending to be a father. I am tired of having anything at all to do with him.

His things have all been here for 5 months. There should be no sudden urgency about anything anymore. All he left us with is a bunch of old junk.

I know the passage about acceptance is right. I know it has worked for people. There is just very little I feel like accepting right now.

I re-watched Malcolm X the other day and thought there is a man who didn't live by the status quo or accept the bullshit that was handed to him. And, they killed him. Sometimes I wonder if life for the "successful" is just a puppet dance. Playing by someone else's rules that really don't work for you.

Somewhere in all of this I need to find what does work, for me, and for my children.

The Mule

"Women are the mules of the world." - Zora Neale Hurston

I have thought about this quote often since I became pregnant with my son. It seems I am nothing but a mule to my husband and his family. Just a work horse with no feelings or expectations, there to take care of their offspring and expected to work and meet all of their expectations.

I have never had this feeling before and I certainly never want to experience it again.

From here on out I will regain control of my own life and live to meet my own expectations, no one else's.

My children are everything to me and will continue to be so. But I look at life very different now than when I began this relationship.