My ex-spouse is refusing to pay court-ordered child support. How can I have the order enforced?

Under the Child Support Enforcement Act of 1984, district attorneys (D.A.s) or state's attorneys must help you collect child support. Sometimes this means that the D.A. will serve papers requiring that your ex meet with the D.A. to arrange a payment schedule. These papers usually say that, if the ex refuses to meet or pay, jail time could result.

Federal laws allow the interception of tax refunds to enforce child support orders. Other methods of enforcement include wage attachments, seizing property, suspending the business or occupational license of a payer who is behind on child support, or -- in some states -- revoking the payer's driver's license. Your state's D.A. may employ any one of these methods in an attempt to help you collect from your ex. In addition, the U.S. Department of State may refuse to issue a passport to anyone who owes more than $2,500 in child support.

As a last resort, the court that has issued the child support order can hold your ex in contempt and, in the absence of a reasonable explanation for the delinquency, impose a jail term. This contempt power is exercised sparingly in most states, primarily because most judges would rather keep the payer out of jail where there's still a chance your ex will earn the income necessary to pay the support.

Almost every state has an agency that can help you with child support enforcement at little or no cost to you. For a list of links to these agencies, visit the National Child Support Enforcement Association at http://ncsea.org

www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/

Mothers (should) have Value

"...when nurturing children is truly valued, mothers who work at home will be economically protected and men will want to join us as equal partners in parenting."

- Harriet Lerner, The Mother Dance

Fighting

We had dinner as a family last night at one of our favorite old spots. It went very well all things considered.

Today was much more volatile. I rarely ask my husband for help with the kids. But today they did not have school and both my mother and me had appointments. So he said he would be here before 10am and would stay until my mom could come at 11:30. Instead, he came at 10:18.

I was not a happy camper. I was supposed to be across town at 10:30 and I was late.

It seems like nothing that has to do with me or the kids is a priority for him. I can not understand on the one day during this entire school year (and probably beyond) that I ask him to be here, he is so inconsiderately late. And instead of just saying I'm sorry, he just has to get into it.

I feel like he completely de-values all my work with the kids because it is not a "paying" job. And yet, if he had to drive more than an hour each morning to get the kids off to 2 different schools each morning ON-TIME hours before his work day even started - and then had to repeat at night, get them to all their activities and playdates and wash, feed, clean, launder and everything else I do around here - and squish his work day in between all of that -- he would never make it.

If he can't even make one day, how would he deal with the repetition of my life every day?

And yet, he continues to de-value my work. Today, he said AGAIN, "Someone has to make the money around here."

Well great, except I do make money too.

It's hampered by the fact that my children are my first priority, but I do make money too.

Perhaps I don't make as much financially as him anymore (I used to make more). But I have always done at least double my share in this relationship, whether it was about making money, paying bills, housework or taking care of children.

This afternoon, the fighting continued about our court date next week. We can not seem to agree on anything. His commissions have been substantial this month, and I have seen a tiny fraction of them. It angers me that he would try to short us when I am here - and I have been here - doing everything.

I told him today, if both of us behaved the way you have around our children, they would take our kids away from us.

Sleep = A Clear Mind, finally

I finally got a full night of uninterrupted sleep and am thinking much clearer. It has been months since this has happened. I usually take hours to get to sleep and wake up 4-5 times during the night. My mother talked to me yesterday about how important it is for me to sleep well, and she was right.

If nothing else has come out of these stomach pains, it is the realization that I have not been taking good enough care of myself. I have told myself I am doing better than most under the circumstances, but I was comparing myself to other Al-anon-ers - not most normal people. I am going to take a look at how I can do a better job.

My mind has been wandering with all these scenarios that "might" happen. I realized this morning that it really is not up to me. I have children. And, as my husband likes to remind me, he has "rights" as their father.

I can control the situation somewhat with my children now because my husband has not been an active participant in our lives. But ultimately, if we divorce, a judge will decide everything.

I have given my husband a guilty verdict in my head again and again. But ultimately, it will not matter what I think. Only the facts will matter.

I can present my truth to a judge, and it may or may not matter. Some things are undisputed. My husband has a felony conviction for cocaine possession. My husband has been in rehab twice for a total over 5 months during the span of our relationship. My husband has relapsed or "slipped" (as he likes to call it) several times since then. My husband has driven drunk with us in the car. My husband slept with 3 women without a condom. All of these things I have proof of. The rest, all the little bitty things that I have been fixated on, are not going to be relevant in court.

The judge can subpoena my husband's bank records and he can explain where the money has gone. He can give an account line by line. And I can explain all the sacrifices we have made and how many times I have had to make his children pasta or macaroni and cheese. I can show the 401ks that I had to liquidate to stay afloat. S/he can look at my bank records and see that we were left with nothing.

A judge can talk to the school. S/he can talk to the teachers. S/he can talk to my son's counselor. S/he can talk to the people at our church and in the Muslim community. S/he can talk to anyone and see what the patterns have been over the years and what the effects have been on our children.

A judge can look at all of this and make his (or her) verdict. And that will dictate what happens from here on out. If my husband does not pay support, he will go to jail. Our State is very tough on this. All of this is very simple. I have been making it hard, but it is very simple.

And once that happens, we can move on with our lives. There will be no more "what ifs". We won't have to wait for him to pay the bills or beg for money. We will know what the law allows for every month and the State can take it straight out of his check.

If my husband continues to read my blog and harass me about it, a judge can address that as well. If my husband verbally abuses me, sends me menacing text messages and/or voicemails, or physically attacks me again, there are measures a judge can take about that as well. I do not have to just sit here and continue to take it, and I won't.

It can only get better from here.

The Sneaky Bastard

It became apparent late yesterday that my father-in-law had stopped paying my husband through one of his companies after we filed for divorce in June. I believe this is an obvious attempt to lessen any child support and alimony I am due.

He says that the life insurance policy that this money was paying towards was suddenly paid at that time (according to my husband). But when I said I needed a paystub for our loan, he said he could suddenly start paying him again.

Sounds fishy to me.

If I had to guess, I would say he just started paying the brother all the money to pay the policy now. Either way, if we go that route, a forensic accountant can figure out all of that.

It just always amazes me how low he is willing to stoup.

I always feel like I am dealing with someone on Dallas or Dynasty and not a father-in-law, let alone someone who has been in AA for 25 years and is supposed to be a mentor to other men.

It brings to mind when my husband's mother died and my father-in-law wanted to stop paying her alimony. She lived out of state, so my husband had to get her death certificate so he could stop paying it. My husband relapsed at that time and was pisssed at this father. So he got the death certificate, but didn't tell his dad and let him continue paying the alimony - for a year.

I was the one who finally told his dad that he had the death certificate. He was confused - why would he do that??

Because he is angry with you, I told him, exhasperated. He truly seemed to have no clue.

I still don't think he does.

You reap what you sow.

Malcolm X said it better than anyone when he talked about chickens coming home to roost, even though I know this was an unpopular quote at the time. (The clip below is worth watching - I had never heard him explain himself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzuOOshpddM

I really like this quote, which is the end of the clip.

"If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, that's not progress. If you pull it all the way out, that's not progress. The progress comes from healing the wound that the blow made. They haven't even begun to pull the knife out. They won't even admit the knife is there.
- Malcolm X