I visited Lebanon in 1996 with my husband. I was a new bride, barely twenty, and this was my first trip out of North America. My husband was older than me and due to the wars, had not been back to see his parents for nearly 10 years. They were ecstatic to see him and greeted me warmly with great affection.
It was a “dangerous time” for an American, and my family did not want me to go. But it was a quiet time relative to all that has happened there.
One of the first things we did was visit the mass grave site in Qana, where Israel had massacred more than 100 civilians months before. I had never seen anything like it. The UN had taken pictures, and they were horrific. There were mementos still up of all the victims, but there were also pictures of UN Soldiers holding up various body parts, afterwards. One soldier held up a leg. Another held the severed-off top of a child’s body. Many of the victims were children, and I remember all the teddy bears lined up on the grave like a nursery.
A relative drove us into the area of Hezbollah where they used to be prohibited. We couldn't go all the way because the soldiers warned us of bombings. So we went up through villages of destroyed homes and Hezbollah flags.
We went to another southern area where the soldiers stopped us. It's too close to the border, my husband said, and so primarily black, presumably African UN soldiers stood at checkpoints with wide smiles and friendly English. Their looks were so different from the black men I saw holding up legs and arms in disgust, putting babies into bags that were too big.
We saw three Irish UN soldiers who joked with me about it not being safe to eat sunglasses. I was gnawing anxiously on my husband’s glasses. I hated to drive there, especially on narrow, winding rocky roads where life means close to nothing. My husband would point to areas on top of mountains and say, "Israel is there" and after 20 days, I had to tell myself to feel nothing.
I had never experienced fighter jets above my head constantly, and I asked his family, Why don’t you just shoot them down? In America, we would never stand for that! We would just shoot them down and it would be done.
They said they could not do that.
Further into our visit, another boy was killed randomly by Israel, and we decided to go to the funeral. My mother-in-law gave me a head scarf to cover up my hair, and we went down with another relative to a mass of people. Mourners came from villages all around, swarming to the funeral. There were thousands of people there, many of whom were Hezbollah, and I worried that Israel would bomb us all while we were standing out there so vulnerable. If they could kill children, they certainly would have no qualms about killing me or anyone else. I kept looking at the sky nervously.
This boy was a hero for them. A dark eyed, beautiful child, not more than 15. His only crime was being in the wrong place at a terrible time. The Hezbollah marched in front shouting and hitting their chests. My husband said they were saying they would love to die as him, for God, for Lebanon. Other men marched behind quietly. Fewer women followed.
My husband brought me to the dug out grave while they marched. Near the front, they held up his body, wrapped in a yellow Hezbollah flag. Behind that, a man held up a huge picture of the teen before his death. At the top of the hill, in the home of the boy’s mother, women wailed. The noise was hard to bear. Not the stifled cries you hear at an American funeral, but the gut-wrenching wails and screams from deep within. I will never forget their wailing. I can still hear it in my head, and after having two of my own children, the pain and understanding has only intensified. I stood there, unable to move, sobbing.
After a while the procession began again back to the Mosque. We had to be careful of our place because my husband and I needed to stay together, but we were separated by gender. We stood in between the men and women, right next to the boy's grandfather and his mother, an oddly intimate location within a family we didn’t even know. When the women began to weep again by the grave, my husband started too. He held his face in his hands and tried to stop himself, but he couldn’t. I felt choked, but wouldn't let myself cry again. I might not stop.
Men read the Qur’an, separated again by gender. The men inside the graveyard, the women outside the stones. All but two women were scarved. My husband got mad at them. No respect, he said.
When it was over, we drove back to our village. My head was exploding with thoughts. The blown-out house next-door to my in-laws home, where they used to live. All the pictures and memories that had been lost. The bullet hole scar in my husband’s arm from the day Israeli soldiers opened fire on his school. The family of his best friend they killed that day, who had lost their son at only 8-years-old. The father who sat there sobbing when he saw my husband, now a grown man. The difficulty to forgive people in my own life, who had done so little to me in comparison. And the enormity of even beginning to heal any of this and move forward into a peaceful and prosperous new beginning.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, September 2, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Forgiveness
I love this passage from the Koran because it says what I have always thought about forgiveness. One of the thing that irritated me about Christianity was that I felt like many people abused forgiveness.
I think this verse applies to people as well. Why forgive someone over and over for the same thing?
“Forgiveness is only incumbent on Allah toward those who do evil in ignorance (and) then turn quickly (in repentance) to Allah. These are they toward whom Allah relenteth. Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
The forgiveness is not for those who do ill deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now, nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such we have prepared a painful doom.”
Surah IV women 17-18
I think this verse applies to people as well. Why forgive someone over and over for the same thing?
“Forgiveness is only incumbent on Allah toward those who do evil in ignorance (and) then turn quickly (in repentance) to Allah. These are they toward whom Allah relenteth. Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
The forgiveness is not for those who do ill deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now, nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such we have prepared a painful doom.”
Surah IV women 17-18
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is something I have struggled with since I was a child. Growing up as a Fundamentalist Christian, I was always told I had to forgive, but no one told me how. I would beg God to help me forgive, but the hatred would still remain in my heart.
Many years ago, I started reading Louise Hay and she had many forgiveness exercises, many of which helped. But the one thing that she said that stuck with me was that you only have to be willing to forgive and it will come. I held on to that, and there have been several miracles in my life around that lately.
But I have also been thinking and reading a lot these last few months. I feel like this has been a good period of growth for me. Here are a few thoughts I have had lately around forgiveness that have really helped me.
Most of the time I find myself unable to forgive it is because I think "my" sister, husband, friend... should not have treated me that way. I have taken it personally. When you remove the "my" from the equation it is easier to overcome a transgression.
When I view them as just a person instead of a person in my life that I somehow want to control to my liking, the "transgression" seems lesser.
You do not have to maintain a toxic relationship with anyone. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Close the door to that part of your life. But don't give that person power over you by holding on to a resentment about them.
Release the relationship from your life. View them as simply another person. You may still judge their action as "wrong" but it won't hurt in the same way if it is not a wrong that was committed against you. It is just a wrong. And, perhaps you will be able to see their side a little better.
I remember a woman speaking at church several months ago about forgiveness and specifically turning the other cheek. Her interpretation was not literal. She saw it as turning the other way to see the other person's side of things.
One of the Madea movies also had a good quote about forgiveness (although I haven't been able to remember or google which one it was!). It goes something like this....you will know you have forgiven someone when you have an opportunity to get even with them and you don't take it.
Many years ago, I started reading Louise Hay and she had many forgiveness exercises, many of which helped. But the one thing that she said that stuck with me was that you only have to be willing to forgive and it will come. I held on to that, and there have been several miracles in my life around that lately.
But I have also been thinking and reading a lot these last few months. I feel like this has been a good period of growth for me. Here are a few thoughts I have had lately around forgiveness that have really helped me.
Most of the time I find myself unable to forgive it is because I think "my" sister, husband, friend... should not have treated me that way. I have taken it personally. When you remove the "my" from the equation it is easier to overcome a transgression.
When I view them as just a person instead of a person in my life that I somehow want to control to my liking, the "transgression" seems lesser.
You do not have to maintain a toxic relationship with anyone. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Close the door to that part of your life. But don't give that person power over you by holding on to a resentment about them.
Release the relationship from your life. View them as simply another person. You may still judge their action as "wrong" but it won't hurt in the same way if it is not a wrong that was committed against you. It is just a wrong. And, perhaps you will be able to see their side a little better.
I remember a woman speaking at church several months ago about forgiveness and specifically turning the other cheek. Her interpretation was not literal. She saw it as turning the other way to see the other person's side of things.
One of the Madea movies also had a good quote about forgiveness (although I haven't been able to remember or google which one it was!). It goes something like this....you will know you have forgiven someone when you have an opportunity to get even with them and you don't take it.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
My Father-in-Law
The kids are going to see my father-in-law tonight for dinner with my husband. I have been thinking about this since yesterday because this would usually upset me.
But the divorce is nearly over and it seems so is most of the sting of our relationship.
I've realized that the hardest thing for me to accept about my father-in-law was how he treated me as a daughter-in-law.
He didn't treat me the way I would ever want to treat my daughter-in-law. And I had high expectations based on my relationship with my first father-in-law in Lebanon.
But removing this title of "Father-in-Law" from him, seems to have lowered my expectations for him.
I can look at him as just a man, instead of my father-in-law. And somehow, that makes a huge difference for me.
More specifically, he is the grandfather of my children, and that makes me want a better relationship for their sake.
But the divorce is nearly over and it seems so is most of the sting of our relationship.
I've realized that the hardest thing for me to accept about my father-in-law was how he treated me as a daughter-in-law.
He didn't treat me the way I would ever want to treat my daughter-in-law. And I had high expectations based on my relationship with my first father-in-law in Lebanon.
But removing this title of "Father-in-Law" from him, seems to have lowered my expectations for him.
I can look at him as just a man, instead of my father-in-law. And somehow, that makes a huge difference for me.
More specifically, he is the grandfather of my children, and that makes me want a better relationship for their sake.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Forgive, but don't Forget
I have been sitting here thinking for a long time.
It's getting to be crunch-time for my marriage. We are supposed to see a judge next week. Not sure what will come of that.
I am still very nervous about going to the funeral on Saturday. I spoke to my former husband's wife about it today and she told me to hold my head up high and be proud. I have done nothing wrong.
That said, I still have a lot of angst about being around my husband's family.
I was sitting here trying to think of why it is so hard for me to forgive my father-in-law. With most people, I can see two sides of the story. I have many long-term friendships and relationships, which have had their ups and downs and forgiveness over the years.
But I think what gets me with my father-in-law is that I have forgiven him before, and then he turns around and does the same thing. The only thing I associate to him now is abuse and pain.
I remember one of the Tyler Perry movies, I think Madea's Family Reunion, where Madea tells her granddaughter, "Forgive, but don't forget. Remember, so it doesn't happen to you again."
I wish I could let go of everything, but I guess when it comes down to it, I am afraid to.
I don't have any hopes that he will ever change.
I've run into people like that before, and I have let them go. And the forgiveness has come with time, as I have not had to constantly rub up against them.
But it seems no matter which way my marriage goes, I will always have some tie to my father-in-law. While I can try to minimize it as much as possible, it will never go away completely.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Hating Myself
I had another mostly sleepless night last night. I am back to listening to a lot of my New Age tapes - Louise Hay right now. I started doing some affirmations and meditations to help me sleep. I realized last night how hard it has become - my mind wanders almost immediately.
I think I have really begun to hate myself. I thought I just hated what my life (for the most part) has become and the actions of my husband and his family. But it became apparent last night that that has transferred to me too.
I think it's hard for me to forgive now because I did all this when my husband went to rehab the first time. I wasn't sure I should continue on in the relationship. But I decided it was better for my son and I worked on myself while he was at rehab for 2 months.
I felt at that time, that all was forgiven. We had a few good years together in there. I did not bring up the past. We had our daughter, which was a very joyous time for me.
But then, he relapsed - and now I almost feel foolish for not believing that he would. It seems now it would have been easier to leave that wall up and move on at the time of the first rehab.
But now I am two kids in and many more years. I don't know where this relationship will end up. But I don't want to keep feeling this way.
I think I have really begun to hate myself. I thought I just hated what my life (for the most part) has become and the actions of my husband and his family. But it became apparent last night that that has transferred to me too.
I think it's hard for me to forgive now because I did all this when my husband went to rehab the first time. I wasn't sure I should continue on in the relationship. But I decided it was better for my son and I worked on myself while he was at rehab for 2 months.
I felt at that time, that all was forgiven. We had a few good years together in there. I did not bring up the past. We had our daughter, which was a very joyous time for me.
But then, he relapsed - and now I almost feel foolish for not believing that he would. It seems now it would have been easier to leave that wall up and move on at the time of the first rehab.
But now I am two kids in and many more years. I don't know where this relationship will end up. But I don't want to keep feeling this way.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Forgiveness Quotes
I have been thinking a great deal about forgiveness lately. Here are some quotes that I found. It's curious why I can know that forgiveness is "good", but I am still unable to do it.
"Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love." - Mahatma Gandhi
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi
"We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies." - Voltaire
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you." — Unknown
"The offender never pardons." - George Herbert
"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." - George Herbert
"Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die." — Unknown
"My greatest weapon is mute prayer." - Mahatma Gandhi
"Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past." - Unknown
"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note--torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one." - Henry Ward Beecher
"Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence." - Sholem Asch
"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." - William A. Ward
"What we forgive too freely doesn't stay forgiven." - Mignon McLaughlin
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." - William Blake
"There is no path to peace. Peace is the path." - Mahatma Gandhi
"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck . . . But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness." - Ellen Goodman
"Freedom and slavery are mental states.” - Mahatma Gandhi
"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Robert Quillen
"Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr
“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.” - Mahatma Gandhi
"One forgives to the degree that one loves." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Hatred can be overcome only by love.” Mahatma Gandhi
"'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive." - John Sheffield
"You must be the change you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi
"Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare." - Lance Morrow
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Effort
It seems like everything lately is taking me a lot of effort. I have very little energy. I'm not sure if it is my fall, and my body just needs to heal, or if I am just slightly depressed and I need time to heal from my situation. Perhaps it is a bit of both.
Either way, I just feel very sluggish and tired. I am going to a funeral this morning. I really don't feel like going. I always feel like you should go to all weddings and funerals because you honor life and the important commitments we make to each other. But this morning it just seems like an extra effort that I don't want to make. Besides that, I have to go out of my way to pick up my 92-year-old grandmother, who I love dearly, but who can also be a bit much. She's just one of those people who it is just never enough. And I'm already feeling that, so facing her this morning just feels like a lot. Facing a lot of sadness feels like a lot too. And driving even one mile sounds like hell.
I was thinking that I used to wake up at 8. Now, but 8 I have already woke up, got myself ready, got two children ready for school, fed them, packed lunch, drove across town to get my son to school and am on my way to my daughter's school. I am already tired before I get to work.
My son is excelling in his new school. He loves it, and it is wonderful to see him thrive there. I have done my best to become involved there. I go to lunch there when I can and have signed up for as much volunteering as I can with my work schedule. He truly loves it there, and has thanked me for sending him there. I am very glad that he is grateful and I do feel like he appreciates it. I remind myself of that when I feel tired or overwhelmed. Someday, all of this will be worth it. Someday, we will live closer to the school. Someday, both kids will be old enough to go there. Someday, we will be out of all the mess we are in now.
I am still very resentful of my father-in-law for backing out of paying for the school. It would have been no sweat off his back. I am trying to get over it, but it is hard when every day I just feel worn out. My husband keeps telling me he wants to make amends to me, and I jokingly told him yesterday, yeah, this is his amends. I started imitating his dad. "Hi there...I'm really sorry and I want to make this up to you. So here's what I'm gonna do for you..." I slowly pull up my middle finger and start laughing.
But today, I just feel really tired. I think I will go for a walk and try to get some hope back.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
I have been slowly renting all the Tyler Perry movies I can get my hands on, and this was one of my favorites. My kids and I have both grown to love Madea. Not only is she hysterically funny, but there is a lot of truth in these movies. I found myself sobbing at this one. It hit pretty close to home. My house isn't nearly that nice, but I recognized myself in the lifestyle trap of the main character (the mad black woman!). I also saw my own bitterness and anger at my situation. I have been trying to get past that through various methods. I noticed at church the other week when we were reciting the Lord's Prayer, that my voice sort of caught on the part about "as we forgive those who trespass against us..." So I have been going back to some of my old standbys like the Tao and You can heal your life. But somehow I think the mixture of the hysterical laughter and the sobs did more for me than any of that has lately.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Stepping Stones
My son made a stepping stone yesterday at church to put out in the garden there. If you look closely, you will see that in addition to the gems, shells, etc. they gave him to work with at church, he also put money in his stone. I thought that was pretty humorous!
My daughter actually went to Children's Church for the first time so I was able to listen to the entire service! Two of the women from the congregation took over and gave a very special service, so I was very glad to be able to participate fully. It is wonderful to be a part of a community that honors women, and believes in the value of all people. I have my religious questions, but when it comes down to it, that's what matters the most to me.
One of the women is someone I have been getting to know better and admire quite a lot. She's in her early 60's and just finished her PhD in Psychology. I told her that is a goal I have for myself someday. (In due time, and I don't know what I want to study yet.) In any case, she gave the sermon and it was very touching.
She talked about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. She talked from a psychological perspective about how it is hard for us to forgive because of the way our brains are wired, especially if we have been wounded as children. She said the natural way of things is for us to not want to get hurt again. But she said that she didn't think that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek that he meant for us to be fools or to accept abuse. She said she interpreted the verse as turning towards the other person to see their perspective, and to understand why they might be abusing us. She talked about the abuse she experienced as a child from her father and how it took her a long time to forgive that. She said she still can not forgive the abuse itself, but she was able to come to peace around her father and felt very close to him before he died.
It gave me a lot to think about.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Meeting with "The Leader"
I wasn't sure what to expect from the AA group since my father-in-law has been so nasty with me. And it is his group. He has been going nearly every Monday night that he is in town for 20 years.
My husband was very pissed off that he didn't get to share the queen-size bed in the motor home with me. The first night the kids fell asleep with me in it. He was pretty childish about it so I decided he should just stay in the other bed the next night too. We haven't slept together regularly in years.
One of his friends asked me if he was sleeping up there and I told him he was. He told me, Good! That's where he deserves to be!
Another friend approached me and asked how I had been doing. He said he had been very worried about me and had been praying for me. He said he'd seen too many women like me become just a shell of who they are from this experience. He asked me how long I was going to do this.
I started to tear up and told him that I felt trapped. We talked about my father-in-law and his money. He was very surprised by the things I told him. He said he didn't know that side of him but I knew what I knew and what I had experienced. It was a very good talk.
Later we met with the group leader. This was who I was most nervous about. He is my father-in-law's sponsor and has known him for over 20 years. I have always respected him because I think he's a straight-shooter and very family-oriented.
He asked me ahead of time if I had agreed to meet with him or of I was forced into it. I told him I wanted to talk with him.
So we left the kids with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend for an hour and a half. (My brother-in-law later told us it was a lot of work. Lol maybe his dad and my husband should take that statement to heart and appreciate what I do all day long!!)
When we sat down with the leader he started by saying that he was not a professional but that he had done this with many people and could probably get through a lot of stuff with us in an hour because he did not need us to come back every week and pay him $150 each time.
Then he turned to my husband and told him he'd been a selfish prick and from what he'd seen from him he just didn't get it.
He told me that he knew about the other women and that I had reason to be angry and not trust my husband. But he also said he had a strong prejudice towards families staying together and that we could overcome that. He said he knew because he and his wife had. That he'd been a cheat and a drunk and she taught him how to be a good father.
He told my husband that he'd really screwed up because he had a pattern of doing the same things over and over and not being honest about things. He did not know about my husband staying out all night long or not coming to our daughter's birthday party. I told him that I did not believe he was sober. My husband said he was. I asked him when his sobriety date was, and he said January (4th, I think?)
He mentioned he had a one-day slip. I said, I don't believe that for a second, and I would bet my life that it was more than one day. I specifically remember him having numerous problems throughout December of last year. Christmas Eve for one. The leader told him that if there was more he needed to be honest about, he was already at the bottom, and it would be better to just get it all out in the open. My husband never admitted to more.
He asked whether I was willing to be intimate with my husband after my husband complained about that not getting any sex. I was like, No way! It seemed like such a crazy question from a 67-year-old man I barely knew. I was chuckling inside my head.
He kept telling my husband that our problems were not financial. They were about his patterns of dishonesty. My husband complained about having to work so hard, and the leader was like, tough luck! He mentioned me working more and I told them both that I have been working, and raising the kids - AND RAISING KIDS IS WORK. If I work more, it will be at the expense of the kids. Everything has already been at the expense of the kids, and me. And I think my husband needs to step-up and fix what HE HAS BROKEN.
He asked me if I could give my husband amnesty. I said, there's amnesty and then there's stupidity. He needs to start showing me something different and then I can perhaps start to trust and forgive him. I asked him, At what cost this would be to me? That's how my dad got cancer, sucking it up and being nice to people who did not deserve it. I'm not willing to do that.
I asked him about his father growing up and he didn't sound that great. But the point I was trying to make is that you learn how to be a man and to have integrity as a child from your parents and since that didn't happen, I didn't see much hope. He said he learned from his wife. I told him I thought men learned from the modeling of other men. I don't really want to be my husband's mommy. I have 2 little kids to raise.
The leader told me he didn't think I'd be able to get over all this for a long time, but that the only hope he saw was if I was able to give my husband amnesty for the past and move forward. He told my husband that this was not a matter of me just sucking it up and taking him back, but that he needed to do things different.
We ended with him summarizing all of it, and then he gave us each a hug. He was a very good man and said he was tired from it. He said he really put a lot into these sessions because he really believes in marriage. Then he was off to the next couple.
Whatever happens, I will always appreciate him taking the time and sitting down with us. I am very pro-marriage, and very pro-family. I think we have gotten too far away from that. But I have also been trying for a very long time, and nothing seems to be different.
My husband was very pissed off that he didn't get to share the queen-size bed in the motor home with me. The first night the kids fell asleep with me in it. He was pretty childish about it so I decided he should just stay in the other bed the next night too. We haven't slept together regularly in years.
One of his friends asked me if he was sleeping up there and I told him he was. He told me, Good! That's where he deserves to be!
Another friend approached me and asked how I had been doing. He said he had been very worried about me and had been praying for me. He said he'd seen too many women like me become just a shell of who they are from this experience. He asked me how long I was going to do this.
I started to tear up and told him that I felt trapped. We talked about my father-in-law and his money. He was very surprised by the things I told him. He said he didn't know that side of him but I knew what I knew and what I had experienced. It was a very good talk.
Later we met with the group leader. This was who I was most nervous about. He is my father-in-law's sponsor and has known him for over 20 years. I have always respected him because I think he's a straight-shooter and very family-oriented.
He asked me ahead of time if I had agreed to meet with him or of I was forced into it. I told him I wanted to talk with him.
So we left the kids with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend for an hour and a half. (My brother-in-law later told us it was a lot of work. Lol maybe his dad and my husband should take that statement to heart and appreciate what I do all day long!!)
When we sat down with the leader he started by saying that he was not a professional but that he had done this with many people and could probably get through a lot of stuff with us in an hour because he did not need us to come back every week and pay him $150 each time.
Then he turned to my husband and told him he'd been a selfish prick and from what he'd seen from him he just didn't get it.
He told me that he knew about the other women and that I had reason to be angry and not trust my husband. But he also said he had a strong prejudice towards families staying together and that we could overcome that. He said he knew because he and his wife had. That he'd been a cheat and a drunk and she taught him how to be a good father.
He told my husband that he'd really screwed up because he had a pattern of doing the same things over and over and not being honest about things. He did not know about my husband staying out all night long or not coming to our daughter's birthday party. I told him that I did not believe he was sober. My husband said he was. I asked him when his sobriety date was, and he said January (4th, I think?)
He mentioned he had a one-day slip. I said, I don't believe that for a second, and I would bet my life that it was more than one day. I specifically remember him having numerous problems throughout December of last year. Christmas Eve for one. The leader told him that if there was more he needed to be honest about, he was already at the bottom, and it would be better to just get it all out in the open. My husband never admitted to more.
He asked whether I was willing to be intimate with my husband after my husband complained about that not getting any sex. I was like, No way! It seemed like such a crazy question from a 67-year-old man I barely knew. I was chuckling inside my head.
He kept telling my husband that our problems were not financial. They were about his patterns of dishonesty. My husband complained about having to work so hard, and the leader was like, tough luck! He mentioned me working more and I told them both that I have been working, and raising the kids - AND RAISING KIDS IS WORK. If I work more, it will be at the expense of the kids. Everything has already been at the expense of the kids, and me. And I think my husband needs to step-up and fix what HE HAS BROKEN.
He asked me if I could give my husband amnesty. I said, there's amnesty and then there's stupidity. He needs to start showing me something different and then I can perhaps start to trust and forgive him. I asked him, At what cost this would be to me? That's how my dad got cancer, sucking it up and being nice to people who did not deserve it. I'm not willing to do that.
I asked him about his father growing up and he didn't sound that great. But the point I was trying to make is that you learn how to be a man and to have integrity as a child from your parents and since that didn't happen, I didn't see much hope. He said he learned from his wife. I told him I thought men learned from the modeling of other men. I don't really want to be my husband's mommy. I have 2 little kids to raise.
The leader told me he didn't think I'd be able to get over all this for a long time, but that the only hope he saw was if I was able to give my husband amnesty for the past and move forward. He told my husband that this was not a matter of me just sucking it up and taking him back, but that he needed to do things different.
We ended with him summarizing all of it, and then he gave us each a hug. He was a very good man and said he was tired from it. He said he really put a lot into these sessions because he really believes in marriage. Then he was off to the next couple.
Whatever happens, I will always appreciate him taking the time and sitting down with us. I am very pro-marriage, and very pro-family. I think we have gotten too far away from that. But I have also been trying for a very long time, and nothing seems to be different.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I think I forgave him
Something interesting has happened. Not sure if it was the poem or the photo albums or listening to You Can Heal your Life for the millionth time but I just realized that I don't really feel any sort of anger towards my father-in-law.
I put on the CD again the other day because I was feeling very stuck and didn't have time to sit down and read the book again. At least one thing I can say is between all the audio books in my car - A New Earth and all others Tolle CDs there are, Jerry and Ester Hicks, Louise Hay, Tony Robbins....the kids should be getting some of this stuff much earlier than I did. I think Tony Robbins says, "Repetition is the mother of character".
Haye says you don't have to know how to forgive. You just have to be willing to do it. I have been saying a lot of meditations around that and it never seemed to have work. But today I finally feel free.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Time Heals All Wounds...
Tonight, I went through all my photo albulms for the last 10 years or more. It struck me. Old lovers. The deaths. The births. The marriages. The divorces. My grandparent's 50th and 60th wedding anniveraries. Many other significant anniveraries...
Life is life.
There is good. There is bad.
I have focused a lot on the bad here. But there has also been a lot of good.
There were numerous people that I have considered "out of my life". But in looking at all the old pictures, I felt no ill-will. I even remembered some good times with my father-in-law.
Time does heal all wounds. Even the bad ones. More on that later.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Resiliance
A dear friend mailed me her copy of Resilience to read. I read it all in less than 24-hours, basically in 2 sittings - which is saying a lot with my 2 kids. I usually have about 9 books going and take a while to finish anything, but this was a great book.
There are many beautiful passages from this book, but I wanted to post a few here.
"What believing that (her husband had an affair) did to my mother I will never forget. I read about it perhaps a dozen years after it happened and it was still as raw, maybe even more so, as when she wrote it. It undid the beautiful face and the ferocious intelligence; it mocked the family dinners and the Charity work. She could be replaced in the most intimate of her relations by a face, likely a face not as pretty as her own, by a physique also not likely to have matched my mother's. She believed that whatever gifts of charm or generosity or intelligence she brought to their marriage, it had not been enough to compensate for baby diapers and dishes to wash. Someone without those responsibilities could laugh and fawn. And could take her place. As Navy wife, she gave up all that she might be - which for her was considerable - to be with my father, to travel where he was assigned, to live where he was quartered, to raise their children to reflect well on him....Mother kept looking for where she had fallen short. And the looking took its toll. She would swing from it being a failure of hers - she wasn't pretty enough; she wasn't as carefree as he; his mother never accepted her because she was a widowed Protestant, not a virgin Catholic, when they married; a hundred things it clearly was not - to its being a failure of his - how could he do this, he wasn't the man she thought he was, didn't his family mean anything to him, didn't his career matter. There was never a satisfactory place to settle, so she lived all those decades still loving him, but with something deep inside her that would always be restless, even after he died. "The trust was suppose to be deep. The smiles were supposed to last forever."
We make sacrifices as women. We give gifts that perhaps no one asks us to give. We take care of our families and when we are betrayed we wonder why and can't understand it.
It's not about us.
The universe is bigger than that.
What husbands chose do with their dicks does not determine who we are. It would be nice if they had more respect. And by respect, I mean honesty. No sneaking around. It is the lying that hurts more than anything else.
But ultimately, the behavior of a spouse is not a reflection of us or our failures or anything else. It's about their need. Their ego.
And I've come to believe that possession of anything or anybody is fruitless. The only thing I can hope to control is myself. And even that doesn't always work out.
"In the end the way to view all that has happened is that I did my very best. I felt with every part of me. I loved with the whole of me. I ached in a way that reminded me that there had to be a corollary somewhere of incredible joy to balance the universe. And if I had loved less or doubted more or avoided the pains, I might not be assured as I am today that I have done in every circumstance what I would hope to do. Not every circumstance, surly. I have been angry beyond reason. I have been lost and unsure. But in every way I might have expected of myself, I have been true to that sense of what was true and right and clean. Maybe others had a better time, more intimacies, more skin pressed against skin, but this life is mine, these children are mine, this home is mine, and this imperfect man is like me. I am his and he is mine. And in the end, what we want from life is too dear for words, for paper."
This is a beautiful book, with so many truths in it.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Unsent Letter #1 - Fall 2008
I am in constant pain all the time. Last week was the first time I actually considered taking prescription drugs - or even getting some pot. But I didn't. I have treated this with chiropractic care, acupuncture, massage, the inversion table and way too many Excedrin's. My back and neck are still killing me. I am going back to meditations and affirmations. I am listening and reading You Can Heal your Life again. I think that this must lie in my inability to forgive.
I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to even take all these Excedrin's. I am tired of being in this pain. The last few weeks I have been very short with the kids. I feel like there is literally a knife in my back. There seems to be no relief. One day it hurt so bad that I called J sobbing. I came home at noon and opened a beer and sat on a heating pad and let the kids do whatever they wanted until J came home with lunch. That seemed to help me relax some. When he walked in I started laughing hysterically, almost done with the beer and said, Now I'm going to Betty Ford! I don't think he thought it was funny.
But I can't drink beer every day. Especially at Noon. So for now I am working on getting to the bottom of this forgiveness issue. I think there are probably several things here. And what Louise says makes so much sense to me. Why am I continuing to punish myself? Why can't I let go of this? Especially when it is hurting this bad?
The person I am most angry with is my father-in-law, and then his wife.
Then I suppose my husband, to some extent, although I think the letter actually cleared a lot of that up. Maybe I should work the steps too. I think the fourth step is supposed to clear all this up. I emailed a friend about this but haven't heard back yet.
I think this last year really put us in a ditch and I resent that. I need to take more responsibility for that instead of just blaming my husband - and then my father-in-law for not helping us more. But that is hard for me. I know I did bury my head in the sand last year. I think I was depressed.
Perhaps it took me being in so much pain for me to be willing to do the work. But I am going to pour over the Heal your Life book and start to do the steps. I have a tape somewhere if I can't find someone to do them with me. And, I could find a sponsor. And, I noticed there is a workbook.
But I went to the chiropractor 3 times last week, and did everything else, and I am still in so much pain. So there has to be something else, something deeper that is holding that pain there.
So maybe I should start by doing letters. That always seems to help me.
I haven't been able to write a letter to my father-in-law in a long time. Since that seems to be most pressing, I will start there.
Dear J,
It seems that the silence between us really has not solved anything. Last night I watched the video of you dancing with H on her first birthday and I felt very sad. It has not been my intention to keep you from your grandkids. However, I did feel that there was work to be done before those relationships could resume. I don't know if that was ever conveyed to you. I think sometimes J has a hard time being in the middle of our relationship, especially now that it has become like this.
As you probably know, I have a very special relationship with my dad. He made many sacrifices for me as a single father, and I will forever be grateful to him. Likewise, my former father-in-law and I continue to share a very special love. I think I always had the expectation that we would also be close, and thus our relationship was always disappointing and painful to me. I have always felt that you held me at a distance, and when you did pull me in, you were very critical. I suppose in return, I became very critical of you.
I have had a very difficult time digesting J's childhood. It is very hard for me not to judge you. When I was at Betty Ford for family week, there was a man in my group who reminded me a lot of you and I developed a great affection for him. He was also a recovering alcoholic, who had a son at Betty Ford. He was struggling with a lot of guilt. He told me what got him through was the idea that you are only tried and convicted once for a crime. While I liked that idea, I am still struggling. The reason is that I feel like you have still treated both me and J poorly over the years. The reason that I blocked your email is I feel you have a pattern of displaying very bad, abusive behavior, and then apologizing. I think you need to change your behavior because without changed behavior an apology really means nothing.
To me, children are very precious, and you can't turn back the clock on abuse once it has happened. Wounds are very difficult to heal, and scars will stay forever. The fact that you often blow up on me or J makes me nervous to trust you around my children. I also don't come from this sort of background. As I've said before, my dad has never even raised his voice at me, so your behavior is especially frightening and concerning to me.
I don't know what the solution here is. I am tired of feeling angry and resentful towards you. I would like our family to heal and grow - and move forward. I know that you and J are healing, and that I deeply love my husband. I made a decision to try to forgive you when I was at Betty Ford, and I took the block off my email then. But I am still really struggling with this. I have been going to Al-Anon and learning a lot from that - and also reading a lot. I suppose this will be a journey and not something that I can just push all at once, but I wanted to let you know that I am trying.
I am sorry for my part in things, and I decided to make a first step towards some sort of a resolution.
I don't want to take drugs. I don't want to even take all these Excedrin's. I am tired of being in this pain. The last few weeks I have been very short with the kids. I feel like there is literally a knife in my back. There seems to be no relief. One day it hurt so bad that I called J sobbing. I came home at noon and opened a beer and sat on a heating pad and let the kids do whatever they wanted until J came home with lunch. That seemed to help me relax some. When he walked in I started laughing hysterically, almost done with the beer and said, Now I'm going to Betty Ford! I don't think he thought it was funny.
But I can't drink beer every day. Especially at Noon. So for now I am working on getting to the bottom of this forgiveness issue. I think there are probably several things here. And what Louise says makes so much sense to me. Why am I continuing to punish myself? Why can't I let go of this? Especially when it is hurting this bad?
The person I am most angry with is my father-in-law, and then his wife.
Then I suppose my husband, to some extent, although I think the letter actually cleared a lot of that up. Maybe I should work the steps too. I think the fourth step is supposed to clear all this up. I emailed a friend about this but haven't heard back yet.
I think this last year really put us in a ditch and I resent that. I need to take more responsibility for that instead of just blaming my husband - and then my father-in-law for not helping us more. But that is hard for me. I know I did bury my head in the sand last year. I think I was depressed.
Perhaps it took me being in so much pain for me to be willing to do the work. But I am going to pour over the Heal your Life book and start to do the steps. I have a tape somewhere if I can't find someone to do them with me. And, I could find a sponsor. And, I noticed there is a workbook.
But I went to the chiropractor 3 times last week, and did everything else, and I am still in so much pain. So there has to be something else, something deeper that is holding that pain there.
So maybe I should start by doing letters. That always seems to help me.
I haven't been able to write a letter to my father-in-law in a long time. Since that seems to be most pressing, I will start there.
Dear J,
It seems that the silence between us really has not solved anything. Last night I watched the video of you dancing with H on her first birthday and I felt very sad. It has not been my intention to keep you from your grandkids. However, I did feel that there was work to be done before those relationships could resume. I don't know if that was ever conveyed to you. I think sometimes J has a hard time being in the middle of our relationship, especially now that it has become like this.
As you probably know, I have a very special relationship with my dad. He made many sacrifices for me as a single father, and I will forever be grateful to him. Likewise, my former father-in-law and I continue to share a very special love. I think I always had the expectation that we would also be close, and thus our relationship was always disappointing and painful to me. I have always felt that you held me at a distance, and when you did pull me in, you were very critical. I suppose in return, I became very critical of you.
I have had a very difficult time digesting J's childhood. It is very hard for me not to judge you. When I was at Betty Ford for family week, there was a man in my group who reminded me a lot of you and I developed a great affection for him. He was also a recovering alcoholic, who had a son at Betty Ford. He was struggling with a lot of guilt. He told me what got him through was the idea that you are only tried and convicted once for a crime. While I liked that idea, I am still struggling. The reason is that I feel like you have still treated both me and J poorly over the years. The reason that I blocked your email is I feel you have a pattern of displaying very bad, abusive behavior, and then apologizing. I think you need to change your behavior because without changed behavior an apology really means nothing.
To me, children are very precious, and you can't turn back the clock on abuse once it has happened. Wounds are very difficult to heal, and scars will stay forever. The fact that you often blow up on me or J makes me nervous to trust you around my children. I also don't come from this sort of background. As I've said before, my dad has never even raised his voice at me, so your behavior is especially frightening and concerning to me.
I don't know what the solution here is. I am tired of feeling angry and resentful towards you. I would like our family to heal and grow - and move forward. I know that you and J are healing, and that I deeply love my husband. I made a decision to try to forgive you when I was at Betty Ford, and I took the block off my email then. But I am still really struggling with this. I have been going to Al-Anon and learning a lot from that - and also reading a lot. I suppose this will be a journey and not something that I can just push all at once, but I wanted to let you know that I am trying.
I am sorry for my part in things, and I decided to make a first step towards some sort of a resolution.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Its Only Love That Gets You Through
Girl you are rich even with nothing
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It`s amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain
It`s down a rugged road you`ve come
Though you had every reason
You didn`t come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn`t suffer in vain
You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It`s amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain
It`s down a rugged road you`ve come
Though you had every reason
You didn`t come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn`t suffer in vain
You didn`t suffer in vain
You know it`s only love
That gets you through
Only love, it`s only love
It`s only love that gets you through
-Sade
To hear Sade perform this song live, copy and past this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSwMWv0pbpk
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It`s amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain
It`s down a rugged road you`ve come
Though you had every reason
You didn`t come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn`t suffer in vain
You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It`s amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain
It`s down a rugged road you`ve come
Though you had every reason
You didn`t come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn`t suffer in vain
You didn`t suffer in vain
You know it`s only love
That gets you through
Only love, it`s only love
It`s only love that gets you through
-Sade
To hear Sade perform this song live, copy and past this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSwMWv0pbpk
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Scorpion and the Frog
A dear sent this to me many years ago and I have kept it in my book of favorite poetry and sayings. I'm hoping my children will learn its lessons sooner that I did.
The Scorpion and the Frog
There once lived a scorpion and a frog.
The scorpion wanted to cross the pond, but being a scorpion, he couldn't swim. So he scuttled up to the frog and asked: "Please, Mr Frog, can you carry me across the pond on your back?"
"I would," replied the frog, "but, under the circumstances, I must refuse. You might sting me as I swim across."
"But why would I do that?" asked the scorpion. "It is not not in my interests to sting you, because you will die and then I will drown."
Although the frog knew how lethal scorpions were, the logic proved quite persuasive. Perhaps, felt the frog, in this one instance the scorpion would keep his tail in check.
So the frog agreed. The scorpion climbed on his back, and together they set off across the pond. Just as they reached the middle of the pond, the scorpion twitched his tail and stung the frog.
Mortally wounded, the frog cried out: "Why did you sting me? It is not in your interests to sting me, because now I will die and you will drown."
"I know," replied the scorpion as he sank into the pond. "But I am a scorpion. I have to sting you. It's in my nature."
The wisdom behind this story is: People don't change that much. So don't waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.
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