Then a ploughman said, "Speak to us of Work."
And he answered, saying:
You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.
For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.
When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.
Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison?
Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.
But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,
And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,
And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's inmost secret.
But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written.
You have been told also life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary.
And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge,
And all urge is blind save when there is knowledge,
And all knowledge is vain save when there is work,
And all work is empty save when there is love;
And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.
And what is it to work with love?
It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.
It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.
It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.
It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit,
And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.
Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep, "he who works in marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is a nobler than he who ploughs the soil.
And he who seizes the rainbow to lay it on a cloth in the likeness of man, is more than he who makes the sandals for our feet."
But I say, not in sleep but in the over-wakefulness of noontide, that the wind speaks not more sweetly to the giant oaks than to the least of all the blades of grass;
And he alone is great who turns the voice of the wind into a song made sweeter by his own loving.
Work is love made visible.
And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.
For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.
And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine.
And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night.
-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, "On Work"
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Heavy Heart
I have not had time to write these last few days.
My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday night. I have been with her most of the days-time hours.
During that time, it seemed that my great-grandmother was also on her death-bed, but then it turned out today it was a misdiagnosis.
My heart has been heavy.
I left at 5 today, as one of my sisters was able to come down from Seattle to be with my grandmother. My dad and I had been with her most of the time until then. I did not want to leave her alone. She is almost 93.
I have been on the fence about what to do about my job for a while. I have known I did not want my current position and met with my Vice President last week. He was very generous with me and I have been weighing what he said since then.
However, this morning, during my grandmother's procedure, I realized my heart is just not there, and I did not want to stay.
I resigned today.
I have been there for nearly 6 years, so it was a hard decision.
Both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother are now terminal.
My financial position is not great right now - I suppose that is all relative - but I just feel that I need this time with these women who have been so crucial to me in my own life.
Caregiving is not a respected "job" in our society. Much like motherhood, it is not valued, because it is not "profitable". But to me, there is no more important job in the world.
I have had some very intimate moments with my grandmother these last few days. Things that money truly could never buy or even recognize.
This is one area where the Muslim community rises so high above where we are as an American "Christian" society, that I could write a million pages on it and it still would not suffice.
I am very happy with our church. But the church needs to do better in this regard. We are such an individualistic society. We have completely lost our way.
I have been very strong all week. I have tried to be lighthearted and laugh with my grandmother. Tonight, I took a break and took my children to an Earth Day concert with African music. Perhaps that broke me. My children have missed me. My mother and their father have done a good job helping me this week. But the children are used to me. They were needy and did not behave their best. My daughter loved the music, but my son pouted. I did not have my usual patience.
I broke down and cried on the way home. It has been a long week. And I know there is more to come. Both my sisters live in Seattle, so the burden is mostly with my dad and me. I am glad to take it, but it is also exhausting.
I try to express to my children the importance of what I am doing, but I don't think they understand. I realized tonight at the hippie gathering that we were at that my children do not share all of my values. Perhaps I have done a poor job of expressing them, or perhaps there have been too many outside influences. But I really want them to understand that money is not the saviour of the world. Love is. Family is.
In the end, that is all there is. And if you don't know that, you will be lost - they will be lost.
My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday night. I have been with her most of the days-time hours.
During that time, it seemed that my great-grandmother was also on her death-bed, but then it turned out today it was a misdiagnosis.
My heart has been heavy.
I left at 5 today, as one of my sisters was able to come down from Seattle to be with my grandmother. My dad and I had been with her most of the time until then. I did not want to leave her alone. She is almost 93.
I have been on the fence about what to do about my job for a while. I have known I did not want my current position and met with my Vice President last week. He was very generous with me and I have been weighing what he said since then.
However, this morning, during my grandmother's procedure, I realized my heart is just not there, and I did not want to stay.
I resigned today.
I have been there for nearly 6 years, so it was a hard decision.
Both of my grandmothers and my great-grandmother are now terminal.
My financial position is not great right now - I suppose that is all relative - but I just feel that I need this time with these women who have been so crucial to me in my own life.
Caregiving is not a respected "job" in our society. Much like motherhood, it is not valued, because it is not "profitable". But to me, there is no more important job in the world.
I have had some very intimate moments with my grandmother these last few days. Things that money truly could never buy or even recognize.
This is one area where the Muslim community rises so high above where we are as an American "Christian" society, that I could write a million pages on it and it still would not suffice.
I am very happy with our church. But the church needs to do better in this regard. We are such an individualistic society. We have completely lost our way.
I have been very strong all week. I have tried to be lighthearted and laugh with my grandmother. Tonight, I took a break and took my children to an Earth Day concert with African music. Perhaps that broke me. My children have missed me. My mother and their father have done a good job helping me this week. But the children are used to me. They were needy and did not behave their best. My daughter loved the music, but my son pouted. I did not have my usual patience.
I broke down and cried on the way home. It has been a long week. And I know there is more to come. Both my sisters live in Seattle, so the burden is mostly with my dad and me. I am glad to take it, but it is also exhausting.
I try to express to my children the importance of what I am doing, but I don't think they understand. I realized tonight at the hippie gathering that we were at that my children do not share all of my values. Perhaps I have done a poor job of expressing them, or perhaps there have been too many outside influences. But I really want them to understand that money is not the saviour of the world. Love is. Family is.
In the end, that is all there is. And if you don't know that, you will be lost - they will be lost.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Sick Reflections
I have been sick since Saturday, and my son threw up last night, so I'm home with both kids today. I realized today that more than anything else, I have been upset with my husband about our financial situation because I have not had the time with the kids that I want. The happiest times for me are just being with my children. Even if I'm just at home doing the laundry, with them playing in the background - I love their sounds.
Going back to work has been frustrating. It's not the same market it used to be. There are all new rules, regulations and paperwork. And, business is hard to come by. I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall all day, and then I have to come home to the housework, which always seems ahead of me. My time with the kids seems short and rushed. I enjoy my co-workers and my cliens, but I hate my "job".
I also noticed that my husband and I have been getting along better. And mostly I think when I'm nice to him, he reacts nice. When I act angry, he reacts the same way. And vice versa. So I need to pay more attention to that. Because this is a much better way to live.
Going back to work has been frustrating. It's not the same market it used to be. There are all new rules, regulations and paperwork. And, business is hard to come by. I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall all day, and then I have to come home to the housework, which always seems ahead of me. My time with the kids seems short and rushed. I enjoy my co-workers and my cliens, but I hate my "job".
I also noticed that my husband and I have been getting along better. And mostly I think when I'm nice to him, he reacts nice. When I act angry, he reacts the same way. And vice versa. So I need to pay more attention to that. Because this is a much better way to live.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Lush
My company Christmas party is coming up soon. I had arranged to go with one of my female friends in the office since neither of us have dates. Some of the guys in my office were teasing me about going out with a group of people afterwards. I told them I would if someone else drives. I don't like drinking and driving.
One of them offered to pick me up at my house and I said, No way!! My husband has been following me. He won't admit to it, but he certainly seems to be there at odd times and snooping around.
Another guy jumped in and joked that he could just pretend to be the gardener (he's Mexican). Still another said that's bullshit. He better not start anything with me. I've seen him out. He proceeded to tell me about seeing my husband out with a tall, ugly, blond, who spilled her drink on him.
I can't believe what a hypocrite my husband is. Really it should be no surprise at this point. But nearly every day he tries to make me feel bad about the alleged lovers he thinks I've had since we've been apart. Now I see that he's just been trying to make himself feel better.
What was telling is that I am not jealous about him being with another woman. I'm mad about him being such a hypocrite and trying to make me feel bad.
And, I'm wondering what a "sober" guy is doing out at a bar with a woman that sounds like a lush.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Why?
My son had no school today so we spent the day together. We dropped my daughter off at school and headed to his dentist appointment. Afterwards, I needed to fill out a quick document at my office so we stopped by there.
My son has been coming to my office since he was a 1-year-old. Everyone there adores him. Many of the men in my office actually keep candy in their desks for both my kids (but especially my son, who always makes a request for it!).
Today, I was filling out my form and my son was wondering down the hall getting water. I didn't worry about it because he's been there a million times and he knows everyone there. I recently moved my office from the third floor to the second floor, so it was a slightly different spot than he was used to, but never-the-less, he is nearly 7 and I thought it was familiar turf.
Suddenly, I heard him crying and saw him walking with one of my co-workers down the hall looking for me. He sobbed for nearly 7 minutes, which seemed very different for him. I wondered what could be wrong, but just thought he was being especially sensitive.
One of my other co-workers offered him one of her homemade cupcakes, and all was well again. We went down the hall to see his favorite, "Uncle Mo-Mo" before we left. He gave him a giant hug and a Hershey's Bar. He learned a new handshake from his Uncle Rick before we left.
I went on to my chiropractor appointment, and then off to lunch. He asked if we could stop at a park that he loves, so we did. There are very few days where we have such freedom in our schedules.
We got there and the park was empty. I was disappointed for him because he is very social and enjoys being with other children so much. But he was still thrilled to be there, and it was a beautiful day in our usually rainy city.
Right as he was running up, one of the mother's that we knew from his previous school drove up. She got out with her two daughters. We had run into them earlier at my daughter's school, and I was thrilled to see them again. I have become very close to them over the last year. Then another mother pulled up with her two children. I've known her for several years and was glad to have some time with her as well.
As the children were playing, they asked how things were with my husband and we began to talk about his family. They were puzzled as to why my husband still wants the children to be around his father.
And then I had my "Aha Moment". We talked about earlier in the day when my son had freaked out for no apparent reason at my office.
One of the mother's thought that it was a recall of when my father-in-law left him at the mall.
In case you didn't read the earlier post, here is what happened:
When my son was 2, we allowed him to go to a local mall with his grandpa for an outing. It is a mall in a more questionable part of town where you wouldn't exactly want your children roaming free.
My father-in-law decided that my son was not listening to him well enough. So he let him wander up ahead of him by himself until he thought he was lost. My son started crying and getting upset, much like he did today.
When we met up with my father-in-law afterwards, he told us the story himself because he thought it was funny. It was sort of like, "I really showed him!! He's going to listen to me for now on."
I was like, HE IS TWO-YEARS-OLD you mother fucker. (I left out the mother fucker part, but I wish I had said it now.)
I still feel physically ill when I think about this, and after talking with the other mothers today, I feel ill again.
I told my husband and he said he hoped that was not the case. I told him they said that their kids remember certain things from that age (and so do I for that matter) and that they could see how that trauma would re-create itself today.
So back to the question....why does my husband want his father to be around our kids?
My son has been coming to my office since he was a 1-year-old. Everyone there adores him. Many of the men in my office actually keep candy in their desks for both my kids (but especially my son, who always makes a request for it!).
Today, I was filling out my form and my son was wondering down the hall getting water. I didn't worry about it because he's been there a million times and he knows everyone there. I recently moved my office from the third floor to the second floor, so it was a slightly different spot than he was used to, but never-the-less, he is nearly 7 and I thought it was familiar turf.
Suddenly, I heard him crying and saw him walking with one of my co-workers down the hall looking for me. He sobbed for nearly 7 minutes, which seemed very different for him. I wondered what could be wrong, but just thought he was being especially sensitive.
One of my other co-workers offered him one of her homemade cupcakes, and all was well again. We went down the hall to see his favorite, "Uncle Mo-Mo" before we left. He gave him a giant hug and a Hershey's Bar. He learned a new handshake from his Uncle Rick before we left.
I went on to my chiropractor appointment, and then off to lunch. He asked if we could stop at a park that he loves, so we did. There are very few days where we have such freedom in our schedules.
We got there and the park was empty. I was disappointed for him because he is very social and enjoys being with other children so much. But he was still thrilled to be there, and it was a beautiful day in our usually rainy city.
Right as he was running up, one of the mother's that we knew from his previous school drove up. She got out with her two daughters. We had run into them earlier at my daughter's school, and I was thrilled to see them again. I have become very close to them over the last year. Then another mother pulled up with her two children. I've known her for several years and was glad to have some time with her as well.
As the children were playing, they asked how things were with my husband and we began to talk about his family. They were puzzled as to why my husband still wants the children to be around his father.
And then I had my "Aha Moment". We talked about earlier in the day when my son had freaked out for no apparent reason at my office.
One of the mother's thought that it was a recall of when my father-in-law left him at the mall.
In case you didn't read the earlier post, here is what happened:
When my son was 2, we allowed him to go to a local mall with his grandpa for an outing. It is a mall in a more questionable part of town where you wouldn't exactly want your children roaming free.
My father-in-law decided that my son was not listening to him well enough. So he let him wander up ahead of him by himself until he thought he was lost. My son started crying and getting upset, much like he did today.
When we met up with my father-in-law afterwards, he told us the story himself because he thought it was funny. It was sort of like, "I really showed him!! He's going to listen to me for now on."
I was like, HE IS TWO-YEARS-OLD you mother fucker. (I left out the mother fucker part, but I wish I had said it now.)
I still feel physically ill when I think about this, and after talking with the other mothers today, I feel ill again.
I told my husband and he said he hoped that was not the case. I told him they said that their kids remember certain things from that age (and so do I for that matter) and that they could see how that trauma would re-create itself today.
So back to the question....why does my husband want his father to be around our kids?
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Magazine
The magazine got back to me and said that they had narrowed down their decision and had a few questions for me. One was about how much time I could devote to them. They are a start-up and it sounds like it would be a pretty big commitment.
I spoke to a few trusted friends earlier in the day, as well as my husband. He's actually a very good businessman and was very helpful (as were my friends).
I sent them an email back saying it was more than I could commit to time-wise right now. I'm a little sad because I really believe in what they're doing.
But, it all comes back to my kids...they are going through a lot right now and I need to give them my all. I know myself. If I took on a project like that, I would be consumed by it. It would be a great distraction right now. But I need to keep my priorities straight. When the time is right, something will come along.
I spoke to a few trusted friends earlier in the day, as well as my husband. He's actually a very good businessman and was very helpful (as were my friends).
I sent them an email back saying it was more than I could commit to time-wise right now. I'm a little sad because I really believe in what they're doing.
But, it all comes back to my kids...they are going through a lot right now and I need to give them my all. I know myself. If I took on a project like that, I would be consumed by it. It would be a great distraction right now. But I need to keep my priorities straight. When the time is right, something will come along.
Group Interview
I honestly can't tell if the interview went well yesterday or not. I do think I probably looked OK because when I went to Kinkos to get my copies, the guy started flirting with me and gave me all my copies for free.
I haven't had anyone flirt with me for so long that when he said they're on me, I made a total idiot of myself and was like, What? What did you say?
I don't think he really wanted to advertise that he was giving away free copies, but he repeated, it's OK, they're on me. He gave me a huge smile, I blushed, said thank you and sort of stumbled away.
So I left a little flustered, but glad that someone had noticed me and been kind.
I couldn't sleep the night before and had been up at 3am so I felt out of sorts all day. I actually got lost going back to my moms condo to pick up my kids. When my first husband and I split up, I found myself constantly getting tickets, getting completely lost, running over nails, just random things. I haven't had a ticket once since then, but I remember at that time, it was so bad that they threatened to take away my license. Of course, being 23 doesn't help either...
In any case, I have not had an interview in 5 years, since I started at the current mortgage company I'm at. And a lot has changed in 5 years. For one thing, this was a group interview, and I was in with 2 other women and 2 interviewers. It often takes me a while to get to know people and feel comfortable around them. And I'm not a competitive person, so I'm not sure this was the best setting for me. Halfway through I looked up at the clock and wished to GOD it would end soon!
Either way, it was good practice for me to get an interview in and I really like the magazine and what they are trying to do. They have a great slogan - Happily Ever Now - and its all about promoting that its OK to be a single parent and you don't have to wait for your prince (or princess) to come to be happy.
Ah well, back to what's important...my son just walked in with total bed-head and threw his arms around me. I asked him, how come I love you so much? He started backing away, gave me a huge smile and answered, because of my butt!, giggling hysterically down the hall...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Decisions
I really feel a lot of push and pull.
I feel conflicted about almost everything right now.
I didn't sleep much last night. Probably not helping me much this morning.
I am thinking about resigning from my job this morning. Some things have happened that I just don't feel are right.
I'm also just tired of spinning my wheels there.
On the other hand, I don't have another job, and the kids and I are already struggling financially.
But somehow I feel like it is time for me to go.
I feel conflicted about almost everything right now.
I didn't sleep much last night. Probably not helping me much this morning.
I am thinking about resigning from my job this morning. Some things have happened that I just don't feel are right.
I'm also just tired of spinning my wheels there.
On the other hand, I don't have another job, and the kids and I are already struggling financially.
But somehow I feel like it is time for me to go.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
New Job?
Well, the answer to my question about leaving careers has been answered.
Last week, I had to give up half my commission to keep a loan going (their lock had expired). My clients didn’t even say thank you. I have been working on their loan since January.
Yesterday, a loan I have been working on for several months was declined at the very last minute. No good answer as to why. The market has just changed and they are really sticking on things that wouldn’t have mattered 6 months ago.
Today, another loan got declined after months of work. I have done 3 other loans for these people. Perfect credit, perfect income, perfect assets, they have equity….everything. The underwriter didn’t like the property.
Seems like I am just spinning my wheels. Since I am on commission income, if the loan doesn’t fund, I don’t get paid anything.
I have a job interview tomorrow. That is one good thing about my husband. He has been supportive there. When I told him about the job, he said I’d be great at it.
It’s at a magazine. I didn’t want to tell him what it was because it is a magazine for single parents. LOL, he guessed it though and we both started laughing hysterically.
He said something like, well, I guess that will be perfect for you now! And we both just kept laughing our heads off!
Last week, I had to give up half my commission to keep a loan going (their lock had expired). My clients didn’t even say thank you. I have been working on their loan since January.
Yesterday, a loan I have been working on for several months was declined at the very last minute. No good answer as to why. The market has just changed and they are really sticking on things that wouldn’t have mattered 6 months ago.
Today, another loan got declined after months of work. I have done 3 other loans for these people. Perfect credit, perfect income, perfect assets, they have equity….everything. The underwriter didn’t like the property.
Seems like I am just spinning my wheels. Since I am on commission income, if the loan doesn’t fund, I don’t get paid anything.
I have a job interview tomorrow. That is one good thing about my husband. He has been supportive there. When I told him about the job, he said I’d be great at it.
It’s at a magazine. I didn’t want to tell him what it was because it is a magazine for single parents. LOL, he guessed it though and we both started laughing hysterically.
He said something like, well, I guess that will be perfect for you now! And we both just kept laughing our heads off!
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