Father's Day

My dad and I sang a song he wrote in the 70's at church this morning. We haven't sang together in years so this was very special to do on Father's Day.

I am enormously grateful to have such a caring, kind and consistent father. He has always been there for me throughout my life. And, he's a pretty wonderful grandpa too!

His faith has always been the guiding force in his life so this song seems very appropriate. I've been on many different paths in my life, but I think when you have good parents, they let you wander a little and know you will always find the right way.

Guide My Path

I stand in all my weakness,
asking for your strength
And with my many problems,
I ask You for your grace.

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

When my load is heavy,
won’t you lighten it for me
And when I go astray from you,
Lord help me to see...

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

When my life is over,
I hope it can be said
I did my best to live as you,
knowing for me you bled.

Lord show me what’s right.
Guide my path with light.
Take me in your mighty hands,
guide me on my way.

-Bob Hendren

bobhendrenmusic.com

Dream a Dream with Me

Last year, my favorite church service was the Celebration Sunday for the youth. Every year at the end of the school year, we honor all the children and especially those graduating from high school and college. We allow them to showcase their talents and shower them with prayers, blessings and love.

The woman who organized the service last year had a Senior graduating from High School this year, so she asked that someone else do it so she could just sit back and enjoy the service.

I have been working on the service for several months now and it has been a big project, but also a joy. I knew many of the youth at our church pretty well already, but this enabled me to learn about all the kids and what they do in their free time. I really love children, so this was very special to me. I really believe that there is nothing more important than our children, whether it be our own or those in our community.

We started the service with a slide show of all the pictures of the kids from our church. It was really fun for me to gather all the pictures together. The church has been such a community of love and support for my children these last few years, and I hope we can be the same for the other families and children in our church.

My daughter had agreed to sing a solo and had been practicing for a while. We even went to my dad's house one morning so she could practice with a microphone. She had been singing for everyone we came across. "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." She has a very sweet, clear voice and very good pitch. She will be a wonderful singer someday.

But her dad called as we were driving in to church and told me he was not coming to the service. He said he had a golf tournament. Both kids were upset, but my daughter ended up having a very difficult day. She ended up having a complete meltdown in front of the entire church. She did not sing, but many people encouraged her to sing another time soon. I am glad that she sang for my mom's mother on Friday, who has not been well for many months.

One of the other things we do is to try to include as many youth as possible in the service. So we had 3 scripture readings and different kids read those - some of my favorites:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who have been called according to God’s purpose. (Romans 8:28)

The theme for this year was "Dream a Dream with Me" and was about encouraging the kids to live out their dreams. A wonderful woman read most of the book with her deep, knowing voice. There were about 15 speaking parts throughout the book where children from ages 3-18 read various quotations from everyone from Martin Luther King Jr. to Eleanor Roosevelt. This is a beautiful book and part of a wonderful project for kids called legacyproject.org.

My son's quotation was:

"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly."
-Langston Hughes

My son memorized his part and spoke it very well. When my daughter froze during the service and decided she did not want to sing, he got up in front of everyone on his own accord and announced, "We are having technical difficulties..." This gave us a moment of comic relief in an awkward moment.

I was extremely angry that my ex did not come to the service. I do not ever remember a time when my parents were not there for me. This was supposed to be our daughter's first solo, which is an enormous deal. I hope she will continue to sing, but I know this is going to be a painful memory.

My mother came home with us and helped with the kids. I worked out my anger on the back porch with the pressure washer for a few hours. I think the sunshine and the exercise did me good, but I am still angry.

I walked away from a really bad situation, and I am really glad about that. I just wish I did not have to continually deal with the bullshit excuses from my ex and all the repercussions to my children. It's hard to encourage your children to dream when their trust is continually broken.

Church

My daughter is not adjusting well to the time with her dad. I have talked to him about this, but there does not seem to be an agreement there.

He took the kids this weekend. He picked them up around 3 and called me a few hours later to say it was not going well and that maybe I should just take our daughter. When I tried to get more information he got frustrated and was just like, Fine! I'll take her!

Great!

On Sunday, we met at church. Everyone was already seated around us and I walked in a few minutes late. As soon as I sat down he greeted me with, "Late night?"

I don't know what he is trying to accomplish there, but I have gone to that church since I was a child so regardless of what he tries to do or say, he is the one who looks like an ass.

When church was over, I was busy getting ready for next weeks service, which I am coordinating with the youth.

Somehow when he tried to take our daughter out to the car, they started fighting. He had taken them to Denny's for breakfast and then stopped an got her a donut.

I don't agree with the food choices, but if you give a 4-year-old a donut, you better plan on her eating it.

He decided that he should take the donut from her, which made her freak out.

Then he told us that I could decide when she had the donut.

So I handed it to her.

Then, he freaked out.

He started screaming at me in the church parking lot, with people around, that I needed to work on my parenting skills.

Um, no, I think you do.

So Sunday was a bit rough. I felt like she was adjusting to being with him. She was clingy. She was clearly having a hard time.

Both of her teachers called me this afternoon to discuss her behavior, which was troubling to them.

They told me that she continually says she does not like to be with her dad. They also said that contrary to the story he's been telling me, she always melts down when her dad comes to pick her up and she does not want to go with him.

When one teacher tried to talk to her about what she does with her dad, she said, "He doesn't play with me." They asked what they did and she said, "He watches TV with me."

I know they do other things but I am still troubled that she is telling me and everyone else that she doesn't want to be there.

They suggested I put her into counseling, so I made a call to my son's counselor to get her in.

I tried to talk to my ex about this tactfully. I just repeated the facts. While he expressed some concern over her, his main concern was about himself and his own feelings.

I'm tired of nurturing the child in a grown man. This is the job his parents should have done. Now, all three of us are left with the rubble.

Weeding

The kids and I spent some time helping out at the church this morning with the grounds upkeep. I spent most of my time weeding. I got to thinking that weeding is a lot like getting rid of things you don't want in your life. I started out in the most obvious place, a huge patch of weeds surrounding a tree. There were so many there that I didn't notice all the other weeds elsewhere. Once I finished pulling those, the other weeds were more apparent. There were a lot - everywhere! And, next week, there will be more again.

It's easy to get frustrated about this, but that's just life.

For a long time we had gardeners - most of our neighbors do as well. I was thinking today how peaceful I felt working in the dirt. It's a shame many of us have gotten away from doing that. I think it's a good way to reconnect with yourself - and the earth.

There were at least 30 other people there helping and I was also thinking how nice it was to have so many people pitching in. It reminded me that people will help you with areas of your life that you ask for help in - if you just ask.

Diversity Sunday

We celebrated Diversity Sunday a few weeks ago. One tradition we have during all of our services is to have a children's circle, where the children come up front and hear a special message for them.

I thought this was a lesson all children should grow up with.

The minister showed everyone her prayer shawl she had been wearing. She asked them to notice all the little children of different colors and shapes embroidered on the shawl and admire how beautiful they were. However, years ago, we decided to become an "Open and Affirming Community", which means that all people are welcome. We have many gay and lesbian couples and welcome people of all nationalities and colors, as well as people from different faith backgrounds.

I also practice Islam, and when I told the pastor that, she thought it was great. She said, after all, there is one God. I have come to believe whether there is one God, or many, it doesn't matter. There is no conflict to me. I see people who worship various gods as people who worship different aspects of God. Whether God is one or many makes no difference to me.

The minister asked all the children to close their eyes and imagine looking at themselves in the mirror. She told them to admire how beautiful and perfect they are.

Then she asked them to all open their eyes and look at the other children, and see how beautiful and perfect they were.

I think the essence of this is respect and love - for ourselves and others. So many of us grow up without either.

Heaven

A woman sang this at church this morning and I thought it was a beautiful song.

Heaven

Beyond the rules of religion
The cloth of conviction
Above all the competition
Where fact and fiction meet

There's No color lines or casts or classes
There is no fooling the masses
Whatever faith you practice
Whatever you believe

Heaven. Heaven.
What the hell is Heaven?
Is there a home for the homeless?
Is there hope for the hopeless?

Throw away your myth misconceptions
There ain't no walls around heaven
There are no codes you gotta know to get in
No minutemen or border patrol

You must lose all earthly possession
Leave behind your weapon
You cannot buy your salvation
There is no pot of gold

Heaven. Heaven.
What the hell is Heaven?
Is there a home for the homeless?
Is there hope for the hopeless?

Heaven ain't got no prisons
No government no business
No banks or politicians
No armies and No police

Castles and cathedrals crumble
Pyramids and pipelines tumble
The failure keeps you humble
Leads us closer to peace

Heaven. Heaven.
What the hell is Heaven?
Is there a home for the homeless?
Is there hope for the hopeless?
Is there is a home for the hungry?
Is there hope for the hopeless?


- Brett Dennen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKbLR3MEjAg

Addiction: Episcopal Perspective

Cynthia Bourgeault replies:

A:It’s not really a question of “mind over matter” because the mind IS matter!

As recent neuroscience has demonstrated, every habit lays down its own neural pathway i.e., it carves its own rut track in the brain – and the inertia around these pathways is considerable. The disruption of ANY happy pathway brings with it considerable discomfort and resistance. So you’re quite right in lumping together habits and addictions; the difference between them is more one of degree than of kind. One can be addicted to coffee, alcohol, porridge for breakfast, endorphins, heroin, meditation, exercise, sex or God! The difference is only that the classic “chemical dependency addictions” add to our already full plate of cognitive and emotional distress and at the interruption of a habit, physiological distress as well.

Most of the moral and spiritual training of Western minds over the past two millennia has been couched around instilling “good habits” – or at least replacing unhealthy behavior patterns with healthy behavior patterns. But there has been a school of spiritual training in all the great traditions that claims that real spiritual maturity is the ability to be habit-free: to be able to bushwhack through consciousness without laying down ANY of those familiar but deadly ruttracks.

My own teacher Rafe belonged to this school of thought. On his prayer desk, he kept a quotation from the British spiritual teacher Maurice Nicoll: “Faith is a continual inner effort, a continual altering of the mind, of the habitual ways of thought, of the habitual ways of taking everything, of habitual reactions.” Rafe took that saying deeply to heart. From time to time, he would spontaneously uproot his established patterns and preferences in order to keep his spiritual life (as well as his mind) supple, and to experience that pure rush of freedom that comes from being able to sit in the chaos of a disrupted habit – like an anthill that’s just been kicked in – and transform the pain into the razor’s edge of pure consciousness.

To do this, however, is an advanced spiritual skill. It requires an ability to sit in the presence of powerful emotional currents – pain, grief, yearning, fear – and experience them as pure sensation rather than as part of the story we keep telling ourselves about who we are. This is an acquired skill, whose foundations are in meditation and conscious breathing.

Both habits and addictions, in my experience, are a kind of shorthand we resort to for getting through our lives because we lack the spiritual/energetic force to stay present to the field of our own “pure awareness.” Our habits are primarily the SYMPTOMS of our low level of Being, not the CAUSE of it. So my own preference is to work a little each day on increasing my tolerance for Being (or presence or pure awareness – they’re simply different ways of speaking about the same vitalized energy field of consciousness). Once that force of Being is strong enough within us, then dealing with habits/addictions is like taking off a raincoat once the sun is shining.

Cynthia Bourgeault

Cynthia Bourgeault is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada

By Any Means Necessary

Well, so far I'd call my husband's visitations disastrous, at least with my daughter.

She is not used to spending so much time alone with him. She's still adjusting to being at school 6-7 hours a day. I don't know why my husband can't understand how she might feel as a 3-year-old little girl. It seems that everything is always about him.

It sounded as if everyone had fun on Saturday. But when she came back though, she was clearly out of sorts. She threw a huge temper tantrum at my dads. She kept saying, I don't want to be with my dad. I just want to be with you mommy.

I called my husband later that night and explained that she was having a hard time and that maybe we should ease into the visits, at least with her. I really felt like I did this in a very kind way that made it clear I was trying to think of our daughter first.

He seemed to accept that then, but the following morning after church, we got into a huge argument.

My daughter kept saying she didn't want to go and I tried to ease the situation for him by downplaying her words. (In retrospect, I won't do that again - it's disabling her feelings.)

They were all going to go to lunch together, but my daughter wanted to stay with me. She wanted me to take her out to lunch. I told her I could not afford that. My husband blew up at me for saying that in front of her.

What is wrong with the truth? I can't afford it. There was no judgement in my tone. I simply said I could not afford it. I can't.

She was by then strapped into her car seat in my car and he started screaming and yelling in the church parking lot and saying he was going to take her anyway and she was just going to have to get used to being with him.

I quietly told him he was not helping her. I reminded him that this wasn't about him, it was about her.

He ended up letting me take her after making a big scene and threatening me about how things were going to be.

I drove off shaking my head, driving past half the church members who were still in the parking lot.

He continued to text me. I ignored him.

We stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. He called. I answered, thinking it might be something about my son. My husband just continued to rant and rave about everything. I told him that I was in the grocery store and I could not talk. He continued on. I hung up the phone.

He brought back my son around 3pm. There was more unpleasantness. That has continued on through today.

I just want peace, for myself and for my children.

Desiderata

The Pastor ended the service today with this poem. I had not heard it before, but I thought it held a lot of wisdom.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

- Max Ehrmann

Great Quote

The pastor started the sermon today with this quote, and it has been on my mind ever since.

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.

-Charles DuBois

Robots

My husband hasn't seen the kids much these last few weeks.

Last night we all had dinner together for about an hour at the Spaghetti factory. But there wasn't a lot of quality time and things between us are very strained.

He was supposed to come today at 12:30 when we came back from church to do something special with the kids on his own.

I had missed a call from him at church but called him back to let him know that we would be back home by 12:30, as planned. He sorta paused so I said, are we still on?

He said I think I'll come at 2:30. I asked him what was up and he said he was getting a lot done at his house. I told him that time wasn't going to work but he could come for dinner and that I was making fried chicken. (which we all love.)

I stayed calm and got off the phone. My daughter is not at an age where she cares much but my son burst into years. He had heard us on the phone. He asked, why isn't my dad going to do what he said? I thought he was going to do something fun with me.

I really didn't know what to say to that. He's right. I can never remember my dad not showing up or not keeping his word. I can't imagine what he is feeling. It breaks my heart to see his face drop like that. His head literally sunk.

I sat with him on the stairs for a while and held him. I don't think I can justify or defend his dad anymore but I also hate to see him feel bad.

I told him how special and loved he is. I said, do you know how many people would love to spend the day with you?

I said how about if we do something special? He remembered something he needed help with on the computer and we tried to figure that out for a bit.

I texted my husband and told him what our son said. He said he would come right over.

We talked and I told him he needs to keep his word to the kids. I told him this wasn't fair to our son. He told me this was "hard for all of us.".

I said he's 6! Imagine how he feels?

Over an hour later, he still was not here. I was trying to put my daughter down for a nap and feel stressed about everything we need to get ready to start school again tomorrow.

My husband said the way things are set up make it difficult sometimes.

I asked him, "It is difficult for you to show up on time for the 2 times a week you see your children?" I told him to forget it. I'm done talking to him. I've already done damage control for today with the kids and we don't need him showing up here late later (if at all).

I wonder if he ever thinks about the long-term damage this will cause his children. Kids need consistency. They need honesty. Somehow I manage to be on time for both the kids 99% of the time will 2 schools, hectic extra-curricular schedules, play-dates, birthday parties, a house to run, a job and everything else. It is not easy, but I do it.

I am not happy. I don't know if I should have told my husband or not. It just turned into an argument and more justifications from him. The end result is that he still is not here. I don't know what the answer is with my children and their dad. All I can try to do is be the best mother I can and keep other positive men in their lives.

Church is also great. They did not want to leave today. We stayed in the fellowship hall for nearly an hour after church ended talking to people. I am grateful for that church. I feel very tired and emotional today and cried several times during the service. A teenager sang Ave Maria beautifully and I could not stop the tears from coming.

Sometimes it is hard for me to sit alone but I am always glad that I went instead of sitting at home.

The kids enjoyed their time in Sunday school and joined me later for communion. I am very happy that they have also found joy and comfort in church. Many people commented to me that they love the energy my children bring to the church. I'm glad they have a place where they are loved and cherished.

So many people have taken interest in the kids at church. Today, a man who is an engineer (and seems to be about the kindest man I've ever met) invited us to come to his home and see the robots he makes. He runs a program for older kids where theiy build robots. He sat down with him and let him explain all his Pokemon cards to him. He was very sincere and genuine with him, asking a lot of questions.

There are so many members there that are so engaged in meaningful projects and service-work and have some wonderful interests. This man has 3 kids and a wife of his own, but here he is offering to teach my son something he would really enjoy.

And his own father can't even make it on time? His own father can't manage to show up in over a week.

I didn't grow up this way so this is something that is impossible for me to fathom. My kids are amazing and precious. It is very hard to forgive someone for (continually) hurting your children.

I don't know if I ever can.

New Pastor

We voted in a new Pastor at church this morning. I am very excited about things to come there. He also has young children, and seems very dynamic. The church was packed and the enthusiasm throughout was inspiring.

This was our first scripture reading this morning, and it has stayed with me throughout the day.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Phillippians 4:8-9

In a Funk

I have been in sort of a funk. I tried to get out of it by going to a special seminar at church on Thursday night, but I'm not sure that helped either. It was called Relationships as a Spiritual Practice, and our interim pastor brought in someone from the outside, who is more of a new age-type than something you would normally see at church. Sounded like my kind of thing, but I didn't get all that enthused at the time. In fact, I ended up leaving before he even finished talking, because it was after 9 and I was tired.

But he did say some good stuff, and that has sort of been in my head over the past few days.

He talked about how our most important relationship is the relationship we have with our self - and that is the one that we mostly overlook. And that if we don't take care of this relationship, we will not be able to have positive relationships with other people. He said if you think you can change someone, you can't - you have to change yourself. We did a lot of different energy work and meditations, but that's sort of where he lost me. I'm not someone that needs to be sold on that stuff - I already know it works. But for whatever reason, I don't utilize it much.

I spent most of the weekend with a migraine. Yesterday I became completely enraged when my husband asked me *again* about his dad and the fourth wife seeing the kids.

I gave in and let my son see him for 5 minutes the other day to say goodbye before they went to the desert for the winter. But my son is nearly 7 now and a very smart cookie. He is more able to sort out some of the BS that might come his way. I am even less excited about exposing my 3-year-old daughter to either of them for any amount of time.

I told my husband when his dad makes amends to her and to me for telling him to skip out on her 3rd birthday party, then we can talk about him seeing his granddaughter.

I am still pissed about that. I don't know if I will ever get over it actually.

But I also realize that I am the one stuck with all my anger and my father-in-law and the fourth wife could give a shit less. I'm trying to figure out a way that I can live my life without having my blood pressure rise every time I hear either one of their names.

Dick

The Memorial Service turned out to be more of a blessing than I could have hoped for. The family wanted everyone to wear Hawaiian attire. I was fixated on being sad and sat on my bed for a long time trying to figure out something I could wear. Nothing seemed right. Then, I started laughing, as I remembered the big floppy hat we bought in Maui when I was pregnant with my daughter. My friend T had also just sent me a beautiful dress that would also be lovely. It wasn't at all what I would normally wear to a funeral, but it was airy and bright, and I enjoyed getting ready.

I picked up my grandmother and enjoyed our ride together. Normally, I hate driving. But we had a nice visit. She told me some stories about Dick and my grandfather that I had not heard before.

The music at the service was beautiful, but the stories were just amazing. I had always sort of seen Dick as sort of this goofy, but helpful guy at church. I had written up something to give to his family, which I will share in a minute, but the stories I heard about him during his service blew me away.

First of all, I had no idea he was a PhD. Secondly, he had adopted 2 girls as babies and raised them. One was later killed in an accident, as was his wife, I believe. He was a high school counselor and took in what looked to be about 10 other high school kids, making sure that each of them finished school. Several of them spoke. One said this, "There have been only three people I could count on and believe in in my life: God. My grandmother. And Dick." She went on to say that Dick had been the only father she had ever known in her life.

Another story that caught my attention was about him helping a single mother who I know in our church. When she moved from Hawaii, her daughter had trouble with the lack of diversity in the school where they lived. So he drove all the way from his house to theirs every morning (about 15-20 minutes) and then back to his school (at least half an hour) - EVERY MORNING - FOR A YEAR - until she graduated from high school. That really humbled me, given all my grumbling lately about driving my own children.

His dedication to children and to education really inspired me, and I was really, really glad, that I made it to his service.

And now, for what I wrote beforehand, about what he had contributed to my life.

The first time I remember seeing Dick, he was singing at a funeral. It was Wind beneath your Wings and he was rather off key. I was a teenager at a funeral for one of my grandparents friends with my family. My sister and I sat next to each other and giggled a little bit.

Growing up around a perfectionist musician father was in some ways excruciating for me. I never felt I was good enough, but I was also very hard on other people. Every single note stuck out to me, even when a professional sang.

But Dick did not seem to mind a bit. In fact, he sang out strongly and vibrantly. And in the years I later heard him sing, what I later came to appreciate was his total enjoyment of singing and his willingness to always step forward to do it.

In everything I had tried to do in my life, I had tried to do it perfectly. In fact, I didn't really think I sang good enough anymore so I had given it up almost completely in college. But my life seemed to not be working anymore and I went back to the church my grandparents had gone to for over 30 years.

At first it was hard. I could barely walk into the sanctuary without tearing up. I'm not sure why I had such an emotional response. But one thing that always made my journey back easier was Dick. I was often alone, or rather without a man, which is what I was brought up to consider being alone. And, I had two young children with me who were always rather restless. But every Sunday that we made it, Dick always made it a point to come over and say hello and bring some sort of joy to the morning. I don't think he had any idea how lonely or sad I felt in that church, but I was always very happy to see him.

I was very sad to hear of Dicks illness. It seemed too soon for such a vibrant man to go. But the Sparkling Cidar toast and Hawaiian shirt celebration of life service seemed like a perfect way to send off a man who always seemed so full of life and happiness.

I never had a chance to tell Dick what he had meant to me over the years. But I no longer want to try to do everything perfectly. In fact, I might even try to sing again, someday. But I really do feel happy to have known Dick and I smile whenever I think of him.

What I really learned from him was that it's time to give up the idea of perfection and time to embrace living - and living is about the people you touch with your life.

Ojibway Prayer

We had Native American Sunday today at church and I really liked this prayer:

Grandfather-Grandmother, look at our brokenness. We know that in all creation only the human family has strayed from the Sacred Way. We know that we are the ones who are divided and we are the ones who must come back together to walk in the Sacred Way. Grandfather, Grandmother, Sacred One, teach us love, compassion, and honor that we may heal the earth and heal each other.

- Ojibway Prayer

Dog Snatcher

There is so much to write about that I really don't know where to start. The fighting has escalated between my husband and me. There seems to be little peace. He is texting me 50-100 times a day, and calling at least 8-20 times. I have decided to ignore him. There is little good in responding at this point. I really don't have anything to respond back with that he can remotely understand or empathize with.

He refuses to give us any money, even when he promises he will. Only if something is dire, like the cable or electricity are about to be shut off, will he pay them directly. He thinks he is justified because he is paying (so far) for the kids private tuition. I suppose that makes all sorts of sense to him because it strokes his ego to know his kids are attending the best schools in our area - and he gets to socialize with all the rich people he cares so much about.

But what good is private school if you can't feed your kids or pay your basic bills? It makes no sense to me. I'm glad my kids can attend. I think education is important. But not like this. My husband seems to have gone completely mad.

I do not believe he has any intention of settling this peacefully or respectfully anymore, so I am going to get my own attorney. It will be worth it to me. I'm tired of being jerked around. And I think he is just dragging this out, thinking that I am going to be stupid enough to settle for whatever jacked-up proposal he sends me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to meet at our gym at 1pm. He called me after 1 and said he was running late. I continued my work out. (The kids were in the kids room, having fun, but waiting for their dad to pick them up). In any case, he started sending me nasty texts so I ignored him. I went to pick up the kids about an hour later and he had not showed up. The kids asked me why their dad didn't pick them up. I told them I didn't know. We went swimming. The nasty texts continued. Somewhere in there, my husband told me that he had taken our dog. Then he said he'd meet us and give him the dog. His mentality seemed to go something like this: I did not meet my obligation to meet the kids at 1pm. You won't reschedule, so I will take something that is vital and important to you so that you will have to meet me to get it.

His official reasoning was that it was hot outside. Well, it's a dog, a dog that has often been outside, without incident. My husband has never shown any concern for that dog before. In fact, when I was pregnant with our son, and threatened to leave him, he told me if I did, he would take the dog. And not because he cared about the dog. He said it because he knew it would hurt me.

Being pregnant with an alcoholic partner that sometimes does not bother to ever come home is pure hell. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights when I was pregnant. That dog was my only solace. At that point in my life I rarely called anyone for help. I would just sit there and cry and snuggle with our little dog until I fell asleep.

I remember that threat now so vividly and I wish I would have just left. It's the same bull shit now except there are two kids involved.

I think what my husband had in mind was to barter the kids with the dog. My daughter now uses the dog for solace. She walks around every room in the house carrying that dog. She adores him. He is her comfort, as he used to be mine.

I warned the kids before we arrived home that the dog would not be there. I was not about to give my husband the satisfaction of any emotional breakdowns from any of us. I thought my kids were OK, but last night, my daughter awoke around 4am with a nightmare about her dog being gone and woke us all up with her screaming and yelling. It took a while to get everyone back to sleep and then I laid there for about an hour before I could.

For my husband to take that dog was one of the most disturbing things he has done thus far. I told him he was lucky I did not call the police. That seemed to baffle him. He said we were lucky that the police didn't come and take the dog.

Well, that logic makes no sense to me. It's a small 5-lb dog that has wondered around the neighborhood like a cat the entire 5-years we have been here. The kids left the dog outside, yes. Ironically, we were in a rush to meet their father on time. We were only going to be gone a few hours and the dog just goes to the back and waits for us in the shade.

My husband brought the dog back today while we were at church. He was supposed to also bring a check for the 3rd day in a row, but had yet another excuse why he could not do that. I'm sick of his excuses. I'm sick of his distorted mind.

So I have told him to talk to my attorney if he needs to contact me. I am done.

My new schedule is crazy and I have been inclined to skip workouts and church, but I realized today that these are the things that I CAN NOT skip. They nurture my body, my soul and my mind.

So I am going to try to be more diligent about making time. I also signed up for teaching a few Sunday School lessons. I want to focus more on giving back. It seems like my husband sucks so much life out of me. I'm trying to fill up our lives with enriching things so that there is no time for him to detract from us.

I realized yesterday that he really brings nothing positive to the table for any of us. So we will see what a judge mandates in terms of visitations - but I am no longer going to go out of my way to make things easier for him. The days of me cooking him dinner or persuading the kids to talk to him on the phone are over.

The kids and I are going to stay focused on positive and enjoyable things for us.

Stepping Stones

My son made a stepping stone yesterday at church to put out in the garden there. If you look closely, you will see that in addition to the gems, shells, etc. they gave him to work with at church, he also put money in his stone. I thought that was pretty humorous!

My daughter actually went to Children's Church for the first time so I was able to listen to the entire service! Two of the women from the congregation took over and gave a very special service, so I was very glad to be able to participate fully. It is wonderful to be a part of a community that honors women, and believes in the value of all people. I have my religious questions, but when it comes down to it, that's what matters the most to me.

One of the women is someone I have been getting to know better and admire quite a lot. She's in her early 60's and just finished her PhD in Psychology. I told her that is a goal I have for myself someday. (In due time, and I don't know what I want to study yet.) In any case, she gave the sermon and it was very touching.

She talked about forgiveness and turning the other cheek. She talked from a psychological perspective about how it is hard for us to forgive because of the way our brains are wired, especially if we have been wounded as children. She said the natural way of things is for us to not want to get hurt again. But she said that she didn't think that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek that he meant for us to be fools or to accept abuse. She said she interpreted the verse as turning towards the other person to see their perspective, and to understand why they might be abusing us. She talked about the abuse she experienced as a child from her father and how it took her a long time to forgive that. She said she still can not forgive the abuse itself, but she was able to come to peace around her father and felt very close to him before he died.

It gave me a lot to think about.

Celebrating Children at Church

The kids participated in a special service celebrating children at church today. We celebrated all those who were graduating from high school and college, as well as some other milestones, like starting Jr. High and High School. The fourth graders were presented with their own Bibles. Those going on to college were presented with a special prayer shawl and wrapped in that and a giant hug as we sent them forth into their new destinations. The shawls were just beautiful. Some of the women in the church get together once a week for prayer and knitting. They were absolutely gorgeous and I wish I had taken a picture now to put them up on here.

They started the service with a special slide show of all the kids at various times. J and H were excited to see themselves up on the big screen!! We had picked up my grandma on the way, so it was extra special to have her there with us. She and my grandpa went to our church for about 30 years before my grandpa passed.

The kids all sang "This Little Light of Mine" with an electric candle. J recited a verse from memory. I was very impressed with him. He memorized the verse the first time he read it, and the location of the verse the second time. It was a different version of the verse than I remembered, but the translation is very clear and I thought it was a great one for them to assign J.

Proverbs 22:6
Point your kids in the right direction and when they grow up they will not get lost.

J delivered it so well, someone told me he sounded like a news caster!! LOL, I received many compliments on J!!

H was a little wild during the service today, but it did go on for 2 hours, so I think it was a little long for her.

We honored all the Sunday School teachers as well and there were a lot of special musical performances. There are so many accomplished musicians at our church, and this service was extra special. One of the highlights was a boy singing "You've got a friend". He sang at Pappa's funeral, so Nano and I both teared up at the memory. He has such a beautiful, deep voice and I really enjoyed hearing him sing this particular song.

His father and mother had been gardening with us the day before, and they promised H some strawberries out of their yard. H was so thrilled to see them!! J and H also received special thanks for helping out yesterday in the community garden during the service.

We ended the service by surrounding all the children in a circle and playing a beautiful song called "Find your Wings".

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And if I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

To see the video or hear the song, copy and paste this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knm492yxMfo

It was such a remarkable service in every way and I'm so glad that we were all there to participate in it. I am just very happy to be involved in this church. I know it will be a very special place for J and H to grow up in. Seeing how well all the other kids had turned out today confirmed that 110%. Our church really surrounds the kids with love, and I think every child needs that in this world.

Two Sides

I was in no mood to go to church this morning, but I decided to go anyway and I'm glad I did. My daughter still won't go to Sunday School so she sat by me the entire service, which went a little long today. Nonetheless, I left feeling much better than when I walked in. There are some great service projects going on there and I'm very excited to get my kids involved.

I feel like there are two very distinct sides to me. On one hand, language is everything and I am very careful with my speech, especially around my kids. This comes from my dad's side of the family.

On the other side, when I'm angry with my husband and his family there seems no better way to express myself than to cuss it out on the computer. I get this from my mom's side of the family. I have to say that I don't think any less of them for it. They swear, but it really doesn't mean anything. The cussing is just built into their speech. They are kind hearted people and they don't belittle people with language like my husband's family does.

So, I don't know how to reconcile the two, or even if I ever can. I do have a very spiritual side to me, and I hope that I can always remain true to that. But I also want to be real and not have to sensor myself.