What's the Point?

So, I finally said something to my husband about the other woman. We were discussing money and how there doesn't seem to be enough for us. I told him perhaps he should spend the money we do have on this family instead of lushes in bars.

Of course, he denied it.

He now says that my co-worker only told me this because he wants to "screw" me and that he's lying.

Um, what about the rumors about his indiscretions while I was pregnant with our son? What about the 3 confirmed women that I already know about.

And he wonders why I have no respect for him anymore.

Just tell the truth for once!

I told him I want a divorce.

He told me I was making a really bad decision based on bad information.

I told him I have 7+ years of information.

And now he keeps bugging me to "talk" about it. What's the point? What is there to talk about? Why would I continue to waste my time so he can give me the runaround and a bunch of bullshit answers.

I know what I know.

The Meeting

I had a very trying morning, complete with a migraine, meds that made me tired, an emotional 3-year old, that proceeded to fall down face-first on her way into school, and a 2-hour work meeting that seemed to drag on forever. By the time I got in my car to head over to the other side of town for the meeting with the AA leader, I was in tears. I put on some Amy Winehouse, but that didn't help, so I turned to my favorite old gospel CD. I sang and cried my eyes out all the way there.

I remembered half-way through about the third song that I have been through a lot, and God has always gotten me through one way or another. I remembered in particular one morning, shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my son. I was alone, in my favorite breakfast spot, and near tears the entire breakfast. At one point, I think I started to cry. I was unsure what this pregnancy would bring for me. It was obvious at that point that J. was an alcoholic, and my future seemed very grim. I remember one very kind man came over to me and asked if I was OK. We talked for a bit, and he invited me to come to his church. At that time, I was not feeling very religious, and especially not inclined to go to a Christian Church. But I was very grateful for his kindness, and even considered going, even though I sort of mocked Christianity in my head.

In any case, as it turns out, my son has been one of my greatest joys and blessings.

So I was glad to remember that moment, and I felt as though even though things are pretty bad right now, that someday I might look at this as a blessing too.

The AA Leader noticed that today was not a good day for me, and commented on it as we were leaving. I look so sad today. I really feel it.

Never-the-less, I do think our meeting was productive and I'm glad I went.

He shared some of both of our lists and said he felt hopeful that we could salvage our marriage. He told my husband that he has been very selfish and most of the reason we are at this point is because of him.

We talked a lot about my father-in-law and he offered to speak to him and be as harsh with him as he was with us if we would like him to. My husband did not say anything in response to that, but I think I would like him to.

We talked for over an hour and I feel like a lot was said that needs to be digested on both sides. One thing he asked me to think about is that I have a wall up. He said he did not think I could be happy or move on with my life until I got rid of that, and he encouraged me to look at that more closely. I will definitely spend some time with that (in my spare time, lol!).

He said my husband also had a wall up in that he always feels the need to defend himself, which makes me feel like he's not taking responsibility or going to change. He said he's waiting for me to pull my wall down, but he needs to take his down too.

He talked about being at our wedding, which has great sentimental value for me. He said we had made a commitment to each other and owed it to ourselves and our children to try to make things work. He called it "tough-shit". He said, "You can't stand your in-laws, you're married to an alcoholic, you're broke...tough shit!" Same sort of thing to my husband. He said we could spend a lot of time talking about the past and how you got here, but basically we'd be re-hashing everything and not getting anywhere.

He said getting divorced and marrying other people is not going to solve our problems.

That was one thing that really stuck with me from last summer. He said, "You might think that is the easier route, but it's not."

Overall, I am really glad we went. I really like the AA-Leader and I appreciate him taking time for us again.

Goodbye Rings

I am on my way to begin the process of selling my wedding rings. This has been a difficult decision for me and one I did not take lightly.

My husband proposed on Lake Washington 4 and a half years ago. We were celebrating our 3-year anniversary together. On the way up from Oregon, I remember asking him if he was ever going to marry me. We already had a son and he was just about to celebrate one-year of sobriety.

In many ways I felt I had let my family down by getting pregnant out of wedlock. I had already left my first husband and was suddenly at the right time for me to have a baby but I was not with the right person.

Early in my relationship with J., I became pregnant. It was a nightmare for me in almost everyway. Luckily, I did have an easy pregnancy but I remember so many sleepless nights crying my eyes out and waiting for J. to come home.

When we met, I was in my mid-twenties and still having a good time quite a bit myself. It was quickly apparent that he had a drinking problem once I stopped drinking. I wrote my future father-in-law a letter, shocked with my discovery. He told me I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know.

In any case, we did stay together through most of that time and I was thrilled when he became sober about a year after our son was born.

The night before he proposed, we watched some corny wedding movie and I started crying about us never getting married.

Little did I know that the next day he had rented this beautiful old restored wooden boat for us with a picnic lunch and champagne for me. He got on one knee and produced a ring 3 diamonds, (past-present-future) totaling about 2.5 carats. It was much bigger than I had ever expected. It was the perfect proposal in every way, but it was not an indicator of the life to come for us.

On our wedding day he produced another surprise. A band consisting of another 4 carats. The two rings together were stunning. Once again, we had a perfect wedding. Everything went on without a hitch. Even my father-in-law was on good behavior. But all the happiness and pretty things surrounding that occassion were in no way indicative of the life we had together later.

For many years those rings have been sort of a security blanket for me. But I think big diamonds and beautiful jewelry can also mask other things. For a long time, everyone thought my husband was a "good guy" because he gave me pretty things. The over-the-top-ness of it all really covered up a lot of other BS. Being a good partner to someone has nothing to do with the gifts that you give them. Gifts are a nice perk, but they shouldn't overshadow everything else.

It was nice to hear a friend tell me several weeks ago - Hey, it's good to see you without your rings on. I think she saw it as a sign of my own inner strength.

I think it's easy to get up with diamonds and designer bags and shoes and let those things tell people who we are. They are an instant status boost. But when it comes down to it those things are really not who I am.

I remember a conversation with my sister several years ago where she told me I think you are the most misunderstood person I know. I'm deeper than what meets the eye. I have all these symbols that defy me.

But part of me is still sad to see the rings go. It is the last testament of a promise that was not kept. Or many promises that were not kept.

But the bottom line is I need the money now. So off I go to sell the rings.