Ladies Lunch

I went to a ladies lunch on Thursday at the home of a good friend of mine. I was planning to just pop by, as I don't usually do a 3-hour lunch. But the time flew by and I found myself enjoying it.

I have not been around people with money for a while. Perhaps I have been avoiding it in my own way. But I do love my friend.

It's funny - when I met her, I assumed a lot about her because of the way she dressed mostly. She is completely entrenched in upscale brand names. I remember I started doing that for a while and my sister commented that I was becoming a walking advertisement.

After a year of getting to know my friend, I found there is a lot that lies beneath the surface. She is a very sweet and dear person. She has had struggles of her own that no one would ever guess at.

I think women with money have the same or more hindrances as most women. But they are expected to be a certain way - act like a lady - dress well - keep their shape - take care of all the social obligations, which will promote her husband's career. And the majority of them live up to this image, especially when they marry into money. All of these expectations take up a lot of time. All of these detract from the full creative potential and individual economic well-being of the woman.

Money protects its own. If the woman does not live up to this image created for her, there will not be a place for her - and she will not have the skills needed to go out on her own. And in most cases, she will not be able to enjoy the same lifestyle if the relationship ends. Hence, she is in her own cage - a very pretty bird with no place to go.

For years I wore a size zero and most of the women surrounding me wore a similar size. It seemed normal, expected.

I am now at a size 4 and I was easily the biggest woman there. It was a strange position to be in after being away from it. No one said anything directly, but one woman did say she didn't recognize me when she first walked in.

I am glad to have my curves back. I don't want to be a size 0 anymore. For a woman who is 5'7", that size is just plain crazy. Many of the women at that party wore a 00 size.

Being that thin was never intentional for me. I think primarily it was stress and extended breast feeding. I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life - but in those circles, everyone constantly told me how amazing I looked. My family and friends kept me sane.

The biggest question the women had for me was how it felt to be without my rings. It was the first time people have been so candid with me about this. It was a very interesting conversation and probably not one I would have in most places. All of them had large diamonds as well. They wanted to know how I felt without mine. They could not imagine taking theirs off.

I thought that was a very valid and interesting perspective. A large ring almost enslaves you to a man. And, it becomes part of who you are - as they all affirmed. In many ways, a large ring speaks for you in ways words cannot.

I explained that it was difficult for me and it was a process. This was the first time I have felt that everyone in the room knew exactly what I was talking about.

It is one thing to say that you would just throw a large diamond off your finger. It is quite another one to wear one for a long time and choose to take it off. I loved my rings. They were beautiful.

But, I explained that I now prefer my fingers without any rings on them. And that I realized my ring represented a false promise, and a false life.

People see a ring like that and they make a lot of assumptions about who you are. And even if you do have a "good" marriage, I think many of those assumptions are false. At least they were for me.

Everywhere you go, the first thing people see is the size of your ring. It detracts from who you are as a person. I finally feel like I am me.

Leaving Home

I have been mentally preparing myself and the kids for the time that we will leave our home and move into something much smaller. I have come to terms with that for the most part. This is a large home to manage on my own, especially with the children, who need a lot of care and love - and also are prone to make messes the moment I clean something.

The irony is not lost on me that I have spent the last 2 years helping people stay in their homes, and I will lose mine.

I have spent the last 12 years helping hundreds of people improve their credit, and my credit is now tanked.

I have done all of this without cost to anyone or profit to me because it is something I believe in strongly. I used to think credit was an indication of character, and it sometimes is. But over the years I also found that many people were hit by forces they could not control, and I always tried to help those people.

Yesterday a man called to ask me to help him with his credit. I called him back and told him my grandmother was dying and I was not available. I know I am doing the right thing now, but I was also sad that I could not even refer him to someone else. I tried to explain that it was never part of my job, it was just something I did. Most mortgage brokers only care about profit.

Ironically, I also helped my husband improve his credit, which was very bad when I met him. But he seems to have no problem leaving me with this mess. He will always have his dad to bail him out and pay cash for anything. I don't have that option.

It is a hard thing to grapple with, partly because my ego is still attached to it. I took pride in my credit. I took pride in my home. And now both are gone.

But I do believe that better things will come. Credit is only a picture in time. It is never static and I can work to improve it. And I know I will be happier living somewhere else.

It's funny how losing things has shown me some of the lies I so eagerly believed.

I was so attached to my beautiful diamonds. It was so hard to take them off my finger. But now I rarely wear rings at all. I appreciate the simplicity of my fingers. I don't want another ring there. The rings now represent a false promise. My husband was never committed to me. The rings only represented that I was his. I was a possession. The rings were a reflection of him, not of me.

My children do not want to leave this home. It is all they have really known. I am sad for them, but I am trying to paint a happy picture filled with new possibilities and dreams.

I have been looking through many of the old pictures from my childhood. Some of the most comforting are of me in my grandparents home. My parents moved around after their divorce, but that home was a rock for me. I realized it was just the familiarity that meant so much to it - because it was their home and it was filled with so much love.

HELL

I am in such hell right now.

I have been having really bad stomach pains for 4-5 days. I finally went to the doctor today and then came home to rest. I have to go back in the morning for an ultrasound, as I needed to fast 10+ hours first.

My husband picked my daughter up from school for the first time in months. They came in and he finally brought back all my Christmas gifts. He had bought me some perfume and it was still in a box to my daughter was puzzled by it. She asked what it was. He said, that's what your mom puts on when she puts on her lingerie.

I looked at him puzzled and asked him if it was really necessary to say that in front of her.

He had offered to bring a pizza, but I felt worse just sitting here (and love to cook) so I told him I would just cook what I bought at the market yesterday. Funny, before they got here I was thinking to myself how much I had enjoyed just being a housewife and taking care of the house and family. I made a roast chicken, my favorite potatoes, garlic bread and a salad. I felt very satisfied with the meal.

My mom had picked my son up from school and brought him home. My husband started a huge fight with me in front of my mom and kids. He was supposed to come here tomorrow morning to take the kids to school so I could go back to the doctor and I think that's why he started it. (He has NEVER taken the kids to school before.) I had asked him to spend the night because the other night the pain was so bad and I wanted to go to the doctor but I had no one here and it was the middle of the night. He said he would come in the morning.

He took my perfume and threatened to throw it out into the back yard (which is like a huge forest or something with all these trees - we never would have found it, at least easily). He started talking about "my boyfriend" in front of the kids. I was like, I don't have a "boyfriend."

I told him to leave. He took my wedding rings again. (I always take them off when I cook or clean because they are nice rings.) Luckily I noticed before he left and threatened to call the police. He finally took them out of his pocket after telling me that they would do nothing because I'm his wife.

I screamed back at him I AM NOT Y0UR WIFE!!!!

He sat there and held up his middle finger to me for an extended period of time and kept saying, "I'm done with you. I'm done with you."

He said he would be back in the morning, but I don't want to fight with him and I certainly can not depend on him. How many times has he let me down before? I told him he would probably just leave me here dead like his aunt.

My mom is going to spend the night. She left with my daughter to get some stuff. I can't stop crying. I can't believe, after so many sacrifices all these years, sobriety, rehab and more rehab, abuse, bullshit, verbal abuse, women and expensive hotel rooms, depleting our finances...all of it...that this is where we have ended up.

My mistake for ever thinking shit could turn into pudding.

My Rings

I had left my rings for sale with our trusted jeweler L. I have always adored L. He has a very sweet and genuine spirit. He is a small Jewish man, who seems to work hard but also really care about people.

I remember once my husband was hell-bent on buying me a Rolex watch for Christmas, which L sells at his store. But I don't like Rolex watches for women. I wanted another brand, which he does not carry. My husband couldn't understand why I wouldn't want a Rolex, which I suppose was the best in his mind. He was shopping all over town, and most places were hard selling what they had on hand. L just told him, flat out, you should buy her the watch she wants. He did, and that is the watch I still wear every day.

L is not in the resale business, but he told me he would sell my rings for me and make sure I got a good price for me, because they are very nice rings, and it would be difficult to get a decent price right now. He didn't ask much about my reasons. He just asked about how old the kids were now. Then he sort of stammered, and said, Ah, jeez, I'm sorry.

I hadn't heard much from him, but I trusted him to do the right thing. He had given me a quote to repair the rings, and I have him to go-ahead for that work even though it was costly. I knew the rings should be in tip-top shape to sell them.

It turns out, L, did all the repair work, put the rings in his safe, and started praying.

He prayed for my marriage to work out.

When we went to pick up them up, the rings look better than brand new. He told us to take them at no charge.

Goodbye Rings

I am on my way to begin the process of selling my wedding rings. This has been a difficult decision for me and one I did not take lightly.

My husband proposed on Lake Washington 4 and a half years ago. We were celebrating our 3-year anniversary together. On the way up from Oregon, I remember asking him if he was ever going to marry me. We already had a son and he was just about to celebrate one-year of sobriety.

In many ways I felt I had let my family down by getting pregnant out of wedlock. I had already left my first husband and was suddenly at the right time for me to have a baby but I was not with the right person.

Early in my relationship with J., I became pregnant. It was a nightmare for me in almost everyway. Luckily, I did have an easy pregnancy but I remember so many sleepless nights crying my eyes out and waiting for J. to come home.

When we met, I was in my mid-twenties and still having a good time quite a bit myself. It was quickly apparent that he had a drinking problem once I stopped drinking. I wrote my future father-in-law a letter, shocked with my discovery. He told me I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know.

In any case, we did stay together through most of that time and I was thrilled when he became sober about a year after our son was born.

The night before he proposed, we watched some corny wedding movie and I started crying about us never getting married.

Little did I know that the next day he had rented this beautiful old restored wooden boat for us with a picnic lunch and champagne for me. He got on one knee and produced a ring 3 diamonds, (past-present-future) totaling about 2.5 carats. It was much bigger than I had ever expected. It was the perfect proposal in every way, but it was not an indicator of the life to come for us.

On our wedding day he produced another surprise. A band consisting of another 4 carats. The two rings together were stunning. Once again, we had a perfect wedding. Everything went on without a hitch. Even my father-in-law was on good behavior. But all the happiness and pretty things surrounding that occassion were in no way indicative of the life we had together later.

For many years those rings have been sort of a security blanket for me. But I think big diamonds and beautiful jewelry can also mask other things. For a long time, everyone thought my husband was a "good guy" because he gave me pretty things. The over-the-top-ness of it all really covered up a lot of other BS. Being a good partner to someone has nothing to do with the gifts that you give them. Gifts are a nice perk, but they shouldn't overshadow everything else.

It was nice to hear a friend tell me several weeks ago - Hey, it's good to see you without your rings on. I think she saw it as a sign of my own inner strength.

I think it's easy to get up with diamonds and designer bags and shoes and let those things tell people who we are. They are an instant status boost. But when it comes down to it those things are really not who I am.

I remember a conversation with my sister several years ago where she told me I think you are the most misunderstood person I know. I'm deeper than what meets the eye. I have all these symbols that defy me.

But part of me is still sad to see the rings go. It is the last testament of a promise that was not kept. Or many promises that were not kept.

But the bottom line is I need the money now. So off I go to sell the rings.