Ignorant Men

"The Prophet said that women
totally dominate men of intellect and possessors of hearts,
But ignorant men dominate women,
for they are shackled by the ferocity of animals."

--Rumi

He Heals Me

I think every girl should grow up hearing this song.

He Heals Me

Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life
And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.
And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
Cause he's already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me..........

-India Arie


To hear this beautiful song:
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhzO2EEM6u8gW9AcNU

Why Did I get Married?

I watched another Tyler Perry play last night: Why did I get married? My kids have now seen me watch so many Tyler Perry movies that they explained to their dad, "It's the play, not the movie...she's already seen that one."

There were 2 lines in particular that I really liked. One is about a man who isn't raising his kids or paying child support. His ex-wife, who is remarried, says something like, "I've learned that what one man won't do, another man will."

Another was about how we as women sometimes spend so long trying to make a bad man love us that we miss out on a good one.

"The Prophet said that women
totally dominate men of intellect and possessors of hearts,
But ignorant men dominate women,
for they are shackled by the ferocity of animals."

--Rumi

Stupid Financial Mistakes

I was very glad to see that even Suze Orman has done dumb things with her money. If you get a chance, check out the latest issue of O Magazine. My father-in-law LOVES to throw Suze Orman in my face all the time, even though, by listening to him talk, I don't think he has ever read a damned thing she has written.

She is however, a favorite of mine. And I HAVE read most of what she has written.

So, I have been thinking about a lot of my own financial mistakes after reading her article. And here are a few.

1) Cashing out 3 401ks. I think this is a bad choice for any reason. But in my case, it was really a poor choice. I often think about just how much money those might be worth now, even with a down market.

2) Ever taking on any credit card debt. I have been a mortgage broker for 12 years, so I should know better. Credit cards are NEVER your friends. The interest rates and fees are terrible, and once you start using them, they are an addictive habit that is very hard to break.

3) Paying for a boyfriend to travel through Europe. This is one of my worst ever. I flew to Europe with a Bo to finish my MBA, with the assumption that we would both pay our way. Once it came time to pay the first hotel bill, he informed me that he had no money. I should have ditched him in Milan. Instead, I ended up very stressed out and paying for a 6 week trip for two that would have been a stretch for me alone. Glad I am not 25 anymore!

4) Quitting work to raise my kids. I have mixed feelings about this one, because I don't think there is a more important job in the world than raising your kids. However, with an addict, past or present, there can be no safety net. You have to be able to depend on yourself 100%.

5) Rolling debt into a mortgage. I especially am not happy that I rolled in my husband's first rehab and other debt to his father into this. Since the market has gone down SIGNIFICANTLY we now owe more on our house than it was worth. At the time, I thought, no problem, we probably have a couple hundred thousand dollars in equity. That is never something you should count on.

6) Not pushing for child support IMMEDIATELY once my son was born. This set a very bad precedent with my husband. Numerous people told me to do this, but I think I was scared he would just walk out on us all together. Instead, I took what I could get the first year, which was very, very minimal. There was entirely too much stress on me - and the biggest loser in all of this was my son.

7) Thinking that all people are like my grandparents. I was talking this over with a friend the other day. I have always been told that I am too trusting of people, even by my grandparents. I think I always idealized their relationship and the way they were with each other. There was no mine or yours - everything was both of theirs, and they lovingly shared it. This is fine if you are with someone who shares your values, but I have not often been with that type of person. So, I guess what I am saying is that I should have #1 choosen my partners more carefully or #2 been more protective and careful of my own money.

The Diary

I bought my son his first diary. I always kept diaries as a child and still keep a journal, although I'm not as good about keeping up with it anymore. I had never seen a diary for boys and was thrilled to find it. There are pirates on it and it has a lock. He has been writing a full page in it every day. I think it will be very good for him to have another outlet and also for his writing skills since he's only 6 and still learning. I told the woman when I bought it that all men should start journaling when they are young. They will be better men for it.

Meeting with "The Leader"

I wasn't sure what to expect from the AA group since my father-in-law has been so nasty with me. And it is his group. He has been going nearly every Monday night that he is in town for 20 years.

My husband was very pissed off that he didn't get to share the queen-size bed in the motor home with me. The first night the kids fell asleep with me in it. He was pretty childish about it so I decided he should just stay in the other bed the next night too. We haven't slept together regularly in years.

One of his friends asked me if he was sleeping up there and I told him he was. He told me, Good! That's where he deserves to be!

Another friend approached me and asked how I had been doing. He said he had been very worried about me and had been praying for me. He said he'd seen too many women like me become just a shell of who they are from this experience. He asked me how long I was going to do this.

I started to tear up and told him that I felt trapped. We talked about my father-in-law and his money. He was very surprised by the things I told him. He said he didn't know that side of him but I knew what I knew and what I had experienced. It was a very good talk.

Later we met with the group leader. This was who I was most nervous about. He is my father-in-law's sponsor and has known him for over 20 years. I have always respected him because I think he's a straight-shooter and very family-oriented.

He asked me ahead of time if I had agreed to meet with him or of I was forced into it. I told him I wanted to talk with him.

So we left the kids with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend for an hour and a half. (My brother-in-law later told us it was a lot of work. Lol maybe his dad and my husband should take that statement to heart and appreciate what I do all day long!!)

When we sat down with the leader he started by saying that he was not a professional but that he had done this with many people and could probably get through a lot of stuff with us in an hour because he did not need us to come back every week and pay him $150 each time.

Then he turned to my husband and told him he'd been a selfish prick and from what he'd seen from him he just didn't get it.

He told me that he knew about the other women and that I had reason to be angry and not trust my husband. But he also said he had a strong prejudice towards families staying together and that we could overcome that. He said he knew because he and his wife had. That he'd been a cheat and a drunk and she taught him how to be a good father.

He told my husband that he'd really screwed up because he had a pattern of doing the same things over and over and not being honest about things. He did not know about my husband staying out all night long or not coming to our daughter's birthday party. I told him that I did not believe he was sober. My husband said he was. I asked him when his sobriety date was, and he said January (4th, I think?)

He mentioned he had a one-day slip. I said, I don't believe that for a second, and I would bet my life that it was more than one day. I specifically remember him having numerous problems throughout December of last year. Christmas Eve for one. The leader told him that if there was more he needed to be honest about, he was already at the bottom, and it would be better to just get it all out in the open. My husband never admitted to more.

He asked whether I was willing to be intimate with my husband after my husband complained about that not getting any sex. I was like, No way! It seemed like such a crazy question from a 67-year-old man I barely knew. I was chuckling inside my head.

He kept telling my husband that our problems were not financial. They were about his patterns of dishonesty. My husband complained about having to work so hard, and the leader was like, tough luck! He mentioned me working more and I told them both that I have been working, and raising the kids - AND RAISING KIDS IS WORK. If I work more, it will be at the expense of the kids. Everything has already been at the expense of the kids, and me. And I think my husband needs to step-up and fix what HE HAS BROKEN.

He asked me if I could give my husband amnesty. I said, there's amnesty and then there's stupidity. He needs to start showing me something different and then I can perhaps start to trust and forgive him. I asked him, At what cost this would be to me? That's how my dad got cancer, sucking it up and being nice to people who did not deserve it. I'm not willing to do that.

I asked him about his father growing up and he didn't sound that great. But the point I was trying to make is that you learn how to be a man and to have integrity as a child from your parents and since that didn't happen, I didn't see much hope. He said he learned from his wife. I told him I thought men learned from the modeling of other men. I don't really want to be my husband's mommy. I have 2 little kids to raise.

The leader told me he didn't think I'd be able to get over all this for a long time, but that the only hope he saw was if I was able to give my husband amnesty for the past and move forward. He told my husband that this was not a matter of me just sucking it up and taking him back, but that he needed to do things different.

We ended with him summarizing all of it, and then he gave us each a hug. He was a very good man and said he was tired from it. He said he really put a lot into these sessions because he really believes in marriage. Then he was off to the next couple.

Whatever happens, I will always appreciate him taking the time and sitting down with us. I am very pro-marriage, and very pro-family. I think we have gotten too far away from that. But I have also been trying for a very long time, and nothing seems to be different.

Bitching

Well so much for being a "man".

My husband texted me saying that he hated his life today.

I told him I hoped his day got better.

Then he proceeded to tell me everything that was wrong. He was stuck in traffic. He missed his meeting for work because he had to move. (Um, you knew that last week, why did we go camping all weekend?). The house he was promised has no appliances. (although it is furnished and almost 5,000 sq. ft.) He called the guy and he said just come live with me and my wife. He doesn't want to do that. Another friend offered his house so he could stay there since his renter is moving out and he's living in Australia. He drove there, got stuck in traffic and found the house too dirty...
He's saying Fuck every other word....

Hmmm, sounds like he's awfully picky, ungrateful and unaware of what happens when you stay out all night an don't come home to your family.

I really think he would have just moved back in here if that AA leader hadn't set him and his dad straight.

I could tell he was sort of waiting for me to offer as he was complaining, but instead I told him, I hope your day gets better!!!

Sucking it Up

I was pretty proud of my husband today. He texted me in the morning and told me he was going to be a man and I was thinking, yeah right. But when I asked him about where he was moving late afternoon, he had found a place. And I don't think it could have worked out better. A friend offered to let him stay in his home. He was hesitant because he lives with his wife so he offered another house he has that is fully furnished and empty, where he can stay for a while free of charge.

I told him I was happy that he wasn't going to try forcing living together. I don't see that going well.

Someone commented that what my father-in-law said in his email wasn't that bad. But to me, it is. I told him months ago that I was done with him but he continually ignores my boundaries. And I have been sucking it up. For years. And 5 months of rehab. And 3-4 years of heavy, unbearable drinking. So for him to say anything to me, let alone about sucking it up, is bullshit. As someone else said, he should suck it up and do something about his son.

That being said, I think this was a nice message from my husband, and the first sign that he gets it.

Good morning.

I just wanted to let you know that I too received the unsolicited e-mail.

I didn't like that it was sent, but it seems to be true was it was on the front page of the journal this morning.

I have been up thinking most of the night, and I have come up with this; I plan to make other living arrangements, our problems aren't financial, and I have been selfish in the past. I have also felt lonely, abandoned, guilty, and afraid.

Today, that ends. I am a man!

I will be making many decisions about how we will move forward (my part only).

I am tired of all the bullshit. It's time to dig out of this hole and move on.

I love my children and I will always love you as their mother, but if you want to continue to be my wife? we will both have to make a commitment to work on it. Seriously!

I hope this finds you well this morning.

I also hope that you give our family's future some consideration.

I'm done with us being stuck, both emotionally and financially!

I will be making the necessary adjustments to move us out of each. Let me know if you would like to have some input.

Love always,
J

The Country Club

My husband and I often meet at our Club to discuss personal matters. I'm sure that is not the norm there because I often hear people listening in, but I'm at the point where I just don't give a shit.

There is nothing right in our relationship.

Nothing.

We argued and argued. There is childcare upstairs, and our kids love to go there, so we could argue to our hearts content.

At one point he asked me, how much have you been drinking? I started laughing. That is so ironic. The one who has been in rehab since he was 15, trying to point his finger at me like I had the problem. It's always been that way with him. When there is a problem, it is me. Me, who has been here from day one, fixing his fuck-ups.

I had had a few glasses of wine. And I told him, I am here. I have been here, waiting for you to fix what you have broken. And I hope that you prove me wrong. But until you actually DO what you say you have been saying you will do, there is NOTHING left to talk about.

Things rambled on to the point where I started talking about my dad.

I told him, I never asked you for much. I never asked for anything fancy. When I was growing up my dad worked hard. Very hard. And we didn't have everything, but we had everything we needed.

I broke off saying, You are not a man...you are not a man...you are not a man.

He got up and walked away.

What a "man".

I finished my wine and then rushed off after him. He had the keys and I was scared he would take the kids.

On the way home we listened to Michael Jackson. My kids have become big fans. After he died, I put on some old videos and they were instant hits. Now we have MJ playing nonstop in the car.

Billie Jean came on and I told him, this is the perfect song for you. He became even more angry. I reminded him of how he asked me if our son was his. He tried to deny it and I told him, that's why it hurts. The truth always hurts.

I told him, I should have run. I should have done my own thing. He became more and more angry. He told me to stop talking in front of the kids and I told him it was a mute point. Our daughter was asleep and we have a Suburban - so our son was in the far back-seat and the music was blaring and he couldn't hear anything. (And, it is funny how he uses that excuse when it is convenient for him, and doesn't hold true to it when he wants to call me names.)

We got to the other women and he started accusing me of other men. I told him, that is the difference between you and me. You say you have regrets, but I have none. Inside I realized that was not true. I wish I had not married him. I wish so many things. But at this point it doesn't matter.

Regrets mean nothing.

I remember my great-grandmother telling me when I became pregnant with my son that if you don't have regrets you have not lived.


I will never regret my son.

But I regret a lot of other things around my husband.

But I have learned. Painfully. I have learned. And the biggest lesson is that promises mean nothing. It is action. Action is the only thing that counts. And that has been my biggest mistake in life. I have listened to too many pretty words.

And look at my dad: he never talks. I don't recall a promise he has ever made me. But he is the biggest do-er of a man I have ever met.