Truth

"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being first and foremost, and as such I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole." ~ Malcolm X, The Autobiography of Malcolm X

Joint Mediation

We had our first joint mediation session today. It was emotionally draining for me.

I realize I will have to compromise on many things but there is just a lot that is still very hard for me to swallow.

My husband has not been taking the kids during the times that he said he wanted. Today, he asked for more time, including overnights.

He agreed to weekly drug and alcohol testing and so we are going to take a trial run.

I feel like I am truly putting my children in God's hands now, and that's a very hard thing for me to do.

We left the session angry. We both were upset throughout the session, although I think the mediator did a good job of keeping us both grounded. At one point, my husband nearly walked out, but she got him to sit back down and finish the session.

I know this will be tough to get through. All the particulars are emotional - money, who gets what holidays with the children, the safety of the kids with their dad....

My husband called to apologize afterwards, but then asked if he could switch his day with the kids to tomorrow. He said after this week, he will always keep his commitments.

There is no point in arguing anymore. It just is what it is.

After going through this I would say that in almost every case, a divorce is not the way to go. Certainly no one wins.

But in my case, I wish I had done it sooner. With addiction, no one wins whether you are divorced or married. And I feel like the longer I stayed, the more screwed I got.

Staying hurt.

And while this hurts too, at least it will put an end to most of the hurting.

At least that is my hope.

The Ties that Bind

I have learned a lot in these last few days.

It has been a very trying time for me.

The biggest lesson has been that when you are married to someone, regardless of what has gone down, you are loyal to that person.

I have always known that to some degree. There is nothing in the world I would not do for my first husband.

And I suppose I have to say that even though I have been angry and hurt, there is nothing I would not do for my current husband.

Divorce changes nothing. You are always tied to that person.

Whatever someone says or tries to say, you know the truth of it. You know that person. You know their limitations. You know their strengths. You always want the best for that person, and there is nothing or no one that can ever stand between that.

Tonight, I am grateful for both of the men who have married me.

I did not think I could learn or appreciate this marriage. But in 24 hours, I have. Deeply and profoundly.

A River of Truth

"A river of Truth Ends at a dam of bias - Truth floods and moves on."

- Gloria Steinem

I actually met Gloria Steinem while I was an undergraduate. I didn't fully understand who she was yet, but she did inspire me to take more women's studies classes. What I do remember is that she is teeny-tiny and was very kind and gracious. She signed one of her books for me, and I have always treasured it. I hope to meet her again someday!

Report Card

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my children. I received a comprehensive report card for my son. He's in Montessori and this was his last year so essentially it was kindergarten. No grades but 3 pages of assessments on all of his social and mental skills. It was all very good. Not one negative.

But there was one line that I feel has been my most important achievement as his mother.

J always tells the truth.

That is the line that I fixated on because that has been one of my greatest fears as their mother. I know both my children are both naturally smart. They get that from their dad. Not that I'm not, I have just always had to work harder whereas my husband is a walking encyclopedia even though he rarely reads and did not pay attention in school.

So I haven't worried as much about how smart my children are, or how successful they will be. I know they will go far in whatever they do. But I have worried a lot about their moral compass.

That one line means the world to me because it is what I have struggled with over and over again with my husband and if there is one attribute I hope my children will get from me it is honesty. And mostly, for their own sake.


"Honesty is not a social duty, not a sacrifice for the sake of others, but the most profoundly selfish virtue man can practice: his refusal to sacrifice the reality of his own existence to the deluded consciousness of others."
-Ayn Rand